rmgk Posted September 10, 2005 Share Posted September 10, 2005 So about a year ago this Nov. I discovered that my H had been viewing Internet porn. I know how to check the internal files for sites that he deleted, but he doesn't know I know. It makes me kind of sick b/c the names of the sites insinuate domination and very rough attitudes towards women. He gets mad at me whenever I don't want sex, which the fact that he is viewing this turns me off, and has this I am better than you attitude. It has now become more frequent, and the fact that it is so hidden from me gets to me. I think whatever I do or say won't make a difference, because when I had mentioned before that I thought pornography was demening to women he huffed and said "O.K. whatever." What do I do? Please some advise!! Link to post Share on other sites
JadeStar Posted September 12, 2005 Share Posted September 12, 2005 Did you stop having sex with him as much because he was on the porn? Or did your sex life slack off before he ever got on the porn? Most of the time porn is not the cause but a symptom of a deeper issue. Not trying to justify what hes doing, but alot of men are visual creatures and porn can be an escape sometimes. Its obvious he knows you don't like it, that would be my guess for why hes hiding it. I would sit down and have a talk with him about exactly what it is thats going on or not going on in the marriage. Maybe that will give you some indiction for why he feels the need to look at it knowing you don't like it. If you feel this is something fixable, maybe get into some marriage counseling as well to try to get to the root of whats going on. Jade Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted September 12, 2005 Share Posted September 12, 2005 Neither of you is wrong, but your ideas on it are wrong for each other - hence the way that the situation is being handled. Deception, anger and resentment come into play when someone thinks they are 'right' and the other is 'wrong'. I second the above advice in terms of considering some objective third party intervention to help you both see things more clearly and work on some compromise that will work for you both. As long as there is a "you are wrong and I am right and therefore you are the one who has to change" view on either side, this situation will never get any better. It will just be a matter of how much one or the other of you can tolerate before it finally blows up in both your faces. Link to post Share on other sites
MAINMAN1 Posted September 16, 2005 Share Posted September 16, 2005 Yeah I second that. She beleives porn is evil ... fine moral beleif but it puts you in a very bad spot because he does not. He enjoys it as 99% of men do ... keep in mind this - alot of internet porn sites are nothing more than links pages that lead to other porn pages that contain movie samples. You should care about this detail because he probably goes out looking for the porn he likes, finds these directory web pages, and decides to browse links that are labeled "two girls and a guy", "teen with her freind", etc. but when he clicks on it it may be some obscure site with some pretty hardcore and crazy movies that might even be too wild for him. So yeah he veiws porn, yeah he prefers it be in private because you make him feel ashamed of it, and no the list of ultra-hardcore websites in the internet files cache is not necisarily a list of his 'favorites'. chances are he veiws only a fraction of what he comes accross as 'visually appealling' Bottom line is this... if you dont like things in your relationship to revolve around sex then dont make them revolve arount it by fighting about this issue. If hes a porn addict - meaning he spends hours and hours online to the detriment of his personal relationships at sex spots then he needs help, and no this isnt normal. If you cant deal with the fact that he likes porn - which he does obviously, then you have to ask yourself if you can/cant continue to be with him ... But lets face it - you not liking porn may have to do with more than the 'degrading of women' ... it may threaten your sexual confidence in your own mind because of the implied competition of his sexual attention. And even if it does not have anything to do with this the fact is that he is a man, and men like watching attractive members of the opposite sex do things sexual - its programmed into our brains by eons of evolution and countless other socializations. period. and if you go out and get yourself into another relationship because this guy has so offended you with his open desire to occasionaly watch porn then remember that ALL men like sex and images of it ... All of them ... otherwise they wouldnt be normal. So if some guy tells you otherwise he is lying. Brutal sex webpages are definettly evil and perverse and should be completly off limits for any self respecting man ... so keep in mind he may be just as surprised as you to find himself on 'cock brutality' or 'bangbus.com' - just a thought Maybe you should foster an environment of open communication and not create one of shame and resentment. Give of your time and heart to your relationship and it will pay off - no matter what. Even if you dont agree on this issue at least he will have a chance to compromise - which I bet he would do if he thought it would make you happy and if he isnt made to feel like a pervert for doing something EVERY man does at least occasionally Link to post Share on other sites
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