In love with my best friend but she has a boyfriend

[zacedwards]

Hey guys, I'm in a situation where I'm really confused and don't quite know what to do. My best friend and I have been super close friends since we were really young, about 7 years now. We've gone through a lot of hard times together and we both know that without each other, we wouldn't have been the people we are today.

 

I've known that I was in love with her from about since the beginning of our friendship, but I never knew if she felt the same way. We just felt super comfortable around each other and everything was effortless, but neither of us ever brought up the idea of there possibly being any romantic love in our relationship. Which leads us to about 6 months ago where I started dating this girl hoping that it would help me get over my best friend because I thought that since this many years have gone by and there still hasn't been anything that's happened, she probably isn't into me.

 

I know it's a messed up thing to start a relationship with someone knowing that you're in love with someone else, but I felt like it was my only option and I no longer wanted to be stuck in misery being desperately in love with someone who I thought didn't want me. After my best friend finds out, she initially was happy for me but then started to get distant and slowly pushed me away.

 

This hurt because I thought if I told her about my feelings (as much as I made it obvious), she would do the same thing. I ended up breaking up with the other girl because it didn't work out, for obvious reasons. Fast forward to a month ago, we rekindled our relationship and it was like no time had passed by. But then she confesses to me that she was hurt by me dating someone else because she was also in love with me and ended up sort of dating this guy who's been obsessed with her for years and at first admitted it was out of loneliness.

 

She would always tell me how this guy used to creep her out and flirt with her and make her uncomfortable. And now she's dating him. Since i knew that it was my fault that I never told her how I felt, I can't be upset with her being with someone else. We're continuing to be best friends and now that she has a boyfriend, I've been trying harder and harder to repress my feelings but I just can't seem to stop loving her. She still tells me everything that's going on in her life, and when she talks about her boyfriend it's painful because I know that her feelings for him grow everyday.

 

He knows about me as well, sometimes while they're on FaceTime together she'll call me over the phone and talk to me. I'm not sure whether he's intimidated about our relationship or not because she hasn't said anything. I'm stuck in a situation where I don't want to lose my best friend because she's the one person who I know has my back and is there for me and means the world to me.

 

I know she feels that same way as well. I want to be there for her and be emotionally available to be a good friend, but my feelings for her prevent me from doing that. I can't help but think about what could have happened if I had just told her I loved her and how happy we'd probably be. I think about the little things about her that made me fall in love with her and I wonder if he notices them too. I don't know how to snap out of this feeling and it's killing me inside thinking about the what ifs.

 

I have a feeling she'll get pretty serious with this guy and I'm starting wonder if it's better if I just let her go. I know it'll hurt her, but I can feel myself feeling more and more depressed and alone because of this.

Edited October 27, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs and move to F&L

[Normm]

Rip off the bandaid and detach from her to the point of completely disconnecting. More pain short term, you'll be better off in the long run. You really outta give her the courtesy of an explanation before you fade out either in a brief conversation, or a text or email if you can't handle doing it face to face.

[smackie9]

You dummy why didn't you...the opportunity was right there! Who gives a rat's butt if she has a BF, just tell her.

[sabaton]

It's a boyfriend, not a husband. Square up and go up to her and tell her that you have feelings for her. Then give her space. If she gets back to you telling you that she wants to give you two a shot, go for it. In the case she ain't interested in you that way - get away from her until your feelings for her cease to be.

[Kelliousme]

This is really unfair to the third parties. You should never date someone just to get over someone else, but I'm sure you know that.

 

As for your current situation.. you had SO many chances to tell her. You should've told her before you decided to get into a relationship with a girl you have no feelings with. You should've told her when SHE confessed to you. She was brave enough to do it, why can't you admit to your feelings? Now you're all miserable and she's with another man.

 

Learn from your mistakes. Man up and go tell her this very second.

[d0nnivain]

You gotta tell her. Your timing sucks but telling her is still better then not telling her.

[Lotsgoingon]

OK ... serious dilemma here ... and I get the awkwardness and pain.

 

God, I fell in love with a woman who was a close friend ... I made that clear and she said she wasn't interested ... We separated for a bit ... Then we became friends again ... and I was keeping her on the friendship side ... except ... we were too close. She'd call me and treat me basically like a boyfriend in terms of intimacy and support ... and I kept trying to pull away.

 

Finally, I went No Contact. I realized she was blind to my ongoing desire for her, so to end my own pain (from talking to her so intimately and yet being held at a distance), I stopped calling and stopped returning calls. Which saved my sanity and ended the pain.

 

S onto you ...

 

First of all, both you and your best friend were at fault for not moving towards romance. How this was your fault (and not as much hers) escapes me. Both of you blew it. And if you are going to resolve this, you need to see her as equally co-responsible as you see yourself.

 

Second, she's not your best friend ... any more than the woman in my story was my best friend. No, she's the woman you're in love with who you've been labeling your best friend out of fear and lack of courage. Let's clear that up. Yes, the woman you are in love with happens to be your best friend, but the order of importance is you're in love first ... and she's also your friend second.

 

Just quick note: if you were only friends, you wouldn't be in pain ... and you'd be fine with her dating. And the problem is ... you'll be in pain until either you guys date or until you go No Contact, as I did.

 

So ... hiding your feelings all those years ... another way to say that is ... you faked it and you were dishonest ... not dishonest with evil intent ... but deeply dishonest all the same.

 

So clearly you and your friend are both immature if some ways ... that you could be in love with her and not bring that up shows that both of you need to step up your social skill and confidence and risk taking. There is no love without risk. Sorry. There is no loving without the possibility of disappointment (even if she wasn't your best friend). This is where both of you failed the maturity test--mature people know this ... and they take the risk ...

 

I'll cut to the quick. You need to make clear that you want to date her and you want to date her now. And she needs to break up with her current partner to be with you. Period.

 

You both created this mess, and there is no neat way out of the mess. Yes, it would be abrupt for her to dump her current bf, but you need to ask for that and she needs to do it. I'm confused as to why she hasn't done it now that your love for each other is out in the open.

 

There is no "best friend" from this point out ... That status is long gone. You love her ... You're aching that you're not with her ... and you're aching that she's with someone else. Not even on the same planet as being platonic friends.

 

So drop all this talk about "I don't want to lose my best friend" and "I don't want to ruin the relationship with this person who had my back." Those are fantasies. You've lost her as a "friend." You're madly in love with her. There is only one direction to go: forward--towards love and romance.

 

I'm shocked that she has proposed dumping her bf to be with you. You may think this sounds crude, but there is one option that is FAR worse: her continuing with her bf when she really loves you. Far worse, far less in integrity, far less fair to the guy she's dating now.

 

You should show her this note, and you both need to step up and act like adults. You have the right to be happy with each other. I'm a little confused as to what you guys are waiting for--now that your feelings for each other are out in the open and clear.

 

What are you guys waiting for?

[preraph]

She told you so you need to tell her -- especially since this guy's a creep. Stop being fearful! It may or may not work out but at least you gave it a shot.

[major_merrick]

Dating a best friend or even falling in love with one is dangerous territory. The thought of losing the friendship is scary, but with her dating somebody else it sounds like you have already lost it. From rock bottom, you can only go upward. For me, it worked out alright, but it took many years and a lot of mistakes...I wish we could have cut out the BS and been real with each other. I dated other people, he dated other people...we couldn't figure out what we really wanted. We were engaged, then I backed out. By the time I figured out what I wanted he had moved away and was engaged to someone else and then married her. I was hurt, and his marriage was a disaster from day one because he picked someone less than ideal while trying to get over the past.

 

My advice is to be as up front as possible. For better or worse, clear the air and let her know how you feel. Maybe she'll leave forever and disappear. Maybe she'll dump her BF and fall into your lap. Who knows! My mistakes were not knowing who I was and what I wanted early enough, and then being scared to reach out and grab it. I'm finally married to the person I've loved most of my life. It shouldn't have taken from my teen years until my early 30's to get it done. Life is short, and I regret all the time I wasted by being uncertain. Cut out the waiting and swallow your nervousness and pride and go for it!

 

 

On the bright side, a lifetime relationship with your best friend makes for a bond so strong that it makes other relationships seem less significant in comparison. You're not winning anything by waiting, but by acting there is a possibility you could have everything you dreamed of.