- Am I being taken for a Fool?

[Fairyface55]

Heyyyy

 

Long story short. Started OLD few months back. Matched with a hot guy and we went for a drink shortly after about six weeks ago.

 

All went very well EXCEPT when organising the third date for a Saturday night he texted few days before to say he was feeling sick and wanted to reschedule. Fine. I thought fine, benefit of the doubt.

 

Next date was fine. We organised a next date. Before this he texted me about syncing details, we were due to meet at 3pm on a Saturday. I did not hear anything from him until later that night asking to reschedule for Sunday - he told me he had fallen asleep! We rescheduled for the next day, date went fine.

 

Next date. Fine. After this texting has become more sporadic. Leaving it a day before replying and once not replying at all.

 

Then we were meant to meet tonight, last night - surprise surprise - another text for a Saturday night to say that he could not meet due to work commitments and wants to reschedule.

 

Every single Saturday I have been left with nothing else to do - as I had cancelled other plans as I was getting organised to see him. Thats been three Saturdays in the space of six weeks!

 

(So total five dates in five weeks and not had intercourse)

 

 

A very strange thing happened during our last date. He asked me OUTRIGHT if I had deleted my online dating App. Before I could answer he said he had deleted his and he was enjoying spending time with me, going for nice dates and really liked me. I was flabbergasted due to the above mentioned flakey behaviour. I was so surprised!

 

 

I have texted him this morning to say ‘Have a good day at work’. He has not even read it?

 

I am not needy and work 100 odd hours a week in a verry stressful so have very limited spare time. After the deleting the App chat I do wonder if I am reading into all of this too much and I should just lighten up? Otherside if me is wondering if I am being taken for a ride and he is just wasting my time?

 

I mean when I am with him he is lovely and I think he is genuine nice guy, but I cannot help but wonder about the sporadic conversations and rescheduling of dates? I am torn because when I have been with him it has been amazing - time goes quickly and he says the same - so I do not want to next him until I have given him a fair chance.

 

Everyone here is so supportive and objective and I would be grateful for your input. I am 31 and American He is 33 and from Eastern Europe.

[Kelliousme]

Give him the benefit of the doubt for now and see how it goes. At least he follows up when he cancels and even showed hints of wanting to be exclusive. So.. give it some time and see if the pattern continues.

[Lotsgoingon]

Hold two truths in mind at the same time: You like him and he's good on dates ... and his habit of canceling and rescheduling and disappearing is annoying and unacceptable.

 

You probably want to tell him this ... maybe at the end of your next date. This right now is when you want to draw a line with people or else you'll be going through this with him for years.

 

You need to politely say you really enjoy his energy and his company, but you need more notice on dates and you don't really appreciate the last-minute cancellations and his failures to follow through.

 

Just side note: sometimes when people cancel like that ... it is because they are seeing another person or other people ... and they're juggling a schedule. That's another reason you want to take a hard line here ... and work is no excuse for not notifying you consistently and not canceling at the last minute.

 

Don't chase him ... Actually don't send fake messages to him like the one you sent. You're actually confused by him. why send the "hope you are having a good day." Actually you're hoping you get clear or whether or not this guy is worth being with.

 

So if anything hold back ... and might not be a bad idea to entertain other dating possibilities ... do not chase him and do not compromise for meeting with him.

 

Just my two cents--lots of unequal patterns get started really early ... and the problem is the other partner doesn't make clear that the pattern is unacceptable.

 

Good luck.

[basil67]

Unexpected work commitments on a Saturday night....what is his job? Is he on call?

[mrs rubble]

Why did you cancel other plans to go on dates with him in the first place?

I'd give him a chance but moving forward, do NOT cancel your plans for him, you tell him when suits you.

[Fairyface55]

As an update - the date has been scheduled to today. Sunday. I had no reply to my message yesterday at 9am. After posting I decided to ring him at 8pm to make sure he was OK. Phone rang out. No answer. No message back either this mornkng.

 

It is so weird given the fact HE TOLD ME last Friday he was the one who deleted his Apps and wanted to just date me. I have not changed my behaviour or anything crazy so I cannot see how anything has changed since then?

[I'veseenbetterlol]

As an update - the date has been scheduled to today. Sunday. I had no reply to my message yesterday at 9am. After posting I decided to ring him at 8pm to make sure he was OK. Phone rang out. No answer. No message back either this mornkng.

 

It is so weird given the fact HE TOLD ME last Friday he was the one who deleted his Apps and wanted to just date me. I have not changed my behaviour or anything crazy so I cannot see how anything has changed since then?

 

TBH the whole sat thing is suspicious. I would think he is seeing someone else or is in a relationship. I've learned when someone treats you that way, it shows little interest. Do not text anymore and take forever to answer him back when he does. Make other plans and continue dating other guys.

[S2B]

Looks like he's taken or really dating someone else he's taking out on

 

Or even married.

 

Have you checked to see if he's married? I always do - many MM pretend they are single. They always take a long time to respond (hemay haveyou on ignore mode so your texts don't come through when he's with his wife) and cancel due to their wife's plans changing (they have to get away when she's busy).

 

Where did you go when you went out? Anywhere close to his house?

 

Do you know where he lives? Where he works?

 

I think this guy is a shady time waster. If nothing else start being busy, busy. He's not making you a priority. That's never a good sign. He should be putting his best effort at the start - and he's not.

Edited October 28, 2018 by S2B

[Fairyface55]

I am busy busy generally. I just think when you have plans with someone you subconsiously think ‘well i will be seeing them then’, so other tjings go on the backburner. At the beginning he would text me more but not constantly by any means. Its just been a gradual decline. I guess if I do not hear any thing from him today then thats my answer. I know its easy to try and make other plans and stuff but I do really like him when I am with him!

[they]

Didn't turn up to a date because was napping is something you expect an 80 year old to do. This guy will not turn up for half the dates you spend your time getting ready for and will find a million diferent excuses

[d0nnivain]

Once cancelled Saturday night date, OK fine, give him the benefit of the doubt. 3? Something is off here.

 

At minimum I would not agree to another Saturday night date. You do need to point out the pattern & ask him what's up.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

Honestly, yes, I suspect he is trying to play you for a fool.

 

He got you to take yourself off the market by insinuating that his interest lies exclusively with you right now by taking down his own profile (players seem to be using this ploy a lot right now fyi), yet he conveniently has to cancel every Saturday date you make. Come on..

 

He stood you up on prime date night, not once, not twice, but three times so far, which means he is likely seeing other women or already in a relationship. However, even if you were to give him the benefit of the doubt, how is his behavior acceptable to you? He is completely unreliable.

 

Considering how many hours you said you work, you shouldn't have to deal with this. Your time off is valuable. Don't you want a guy who appreciates that? It's your choice at the end of the day, but in your situation, I wouldn't continue to date someone like this.

 

At a minimum you should reinstate your profile (he hasn't done anything to deserve exclusivity) and go on other dates men. Most importantly start asserting some stronger boundaries. You teach people how to treat you, and right now he must assume that he can get away with treating you like this whenever he likes.

 

You deserve better.

[Fairyface55]

Thanks for all the advice - reinstated dating apps today!

[S2B]

Never believe the "I fell asleep" excuse.

 

From experience on these boards - it's just an excuse used not to look bad.

 

 

They still look bad.

[stillafool]

Really hot guy, keeps cancelling dates, he's seeing others and keeping you as an option.

[Fairyface55]

Thanks for all the advice guys! Ended up chatting to him last night. He did sound really stressed and busy. I have started chatting again to some other guys and take things from there. Also thinking about boundaries and what I want going forward.

[I'veseenbetterlol]

Thanks for all the advice guys! Ended up chatting to him last night. He did sound really stressed and busy. I have started chatting again to some other guys and take things from there. Also thinking about boundaries and what I want going forward.

 

Good thing you are talking to other guys. Some guys (girls too) use this as an ego boost. They want you chasing after them. A guy who really likes will do anything to be w/you. Always make sure you are talking to and dating several guys, this way if one acts like this it wont matter.

[Fairyface55]

Thanks for all the advice guys, this forum is great. Gave him one more chance! He called me last night wanting to schedule a date for this weekend. Thankfully I had made other plans this time with a girlfriend and told him he could meet me after my plans with girlfriend. 10 minutes before he is due to meet me.... surprise surprise.... ‘I cannot come to meet you *kissy face emoji*’ next message ‘problems’.

 

Texted him back to say ‘Obviously I cannot keep dating you. Something going on that you cannot tell me about, Take care and see you around’.

 

This has been an invaluable lesson for me in OLD!

[hippychick3]

Glad you finally told him that, OP. I think you should have texted exactly that after the SECOND time he rescheduled.

 

Unless there is an extreme situation (accident, family emergency), there should never be a reason to cancel a date when a man is really into you. Not even one time.

 

In the 5 plus years I've been with my boyfriend, he has not ever ONCE canceled or rescheduled a date with me. Knowing what I know and from experience...it would be one strike, you're out (aside from extreme situation).

[Dis]

Glad you finally told him that, OP. I think you should have texted exactly that after the SECOND time he rescheduled.

 

Unless there is an extreme situation (accident, family emergency), there should never be a reason to cancel a date when a man is really into you. Not even one time.

 

In the 5 plus years I've been with my boyfriend, he has not ever ONCE canceled or rescheduled a date with me. Knowing what I know and from experience...it would be one strike, you're out (aside from extreme situation).

 

I second this

 

I have quite a bit of dating experience and I know, when a guy cancels a date with you it's a red flag unless there was some type of emergency (a legit emergency) AND if he doesn't reschedule right then and there when he does cancel...that's another red flag

 

My bf never canceled, flaked or made me question his interest

 

If I was still in the dating game and a guy canceled on me now without something serious going on, I would next him right there

 

No need to wait around to see full douche mode

[Highndry]

Actions speak much louder than words. This guy is a major flake, juggling multiple women.

 

One thing jumped out at me - how can you possibly have time for a relationship working 100 hours per week? I couldn't even fathom that.

[Highndry]

Glad you finally told him that, OP. I think you should have texted exactly that after the SECOND time he rescheduled.

 

Unless there is an extreme situation (accident, family emergency), there should never be a reason to cancel a date when a man is really into you. Not even one time.

 

In the 5 plus years I've been with my boyfriend, he has not ever ONCE canceled or rescheduled a date with me. Knowing what I know and from experience...it would be one strike, you're out (aside from extreme situation).

 

 

And when you look at his excuses they were really lame. "I fell asleep," "I don't feel well."

 

On the 2nd one, he should have been kicked to the curb.

[TheFinalWord]

Thanks for all the advice guys, this forum is great. Gave him one more chance! He called me last night wanting to schedule a date for this weekend. Thankfully I had made other plans this time with a girlfriend and told him he could meet me after my plans with girlfriend. 10 minutes before he is due to meet me.... surprise surprise.... ‘I cannot come to meet you *kissy face emoji*’ next message ‘problems’.

 

Texted him back to say ‘Obviously I cannot keep dating you. Something going on that you cannot tell me about, Take care and see you around’.

 

This has been an invaluable lesson for me in OLD!

 

 

I say this a lot on this site: OLD is filled with flakiness and people with mental disorders. A success story is the exception, not the rule.

[some_username1]

I second this

 

I have quite a bit of dating experience and I know, when a guy cancels a date with you it's a red flag unless there was some type of emergency (a legit emergency) AND if he doesn't reschedule right then and there when he does cancel...that's another red flag

 

My bf never canceled, flaked or made me question his interest

 

If I was still in the dating game and a guy canceled on me now without something serious going on, I would next him right there

 

No need to wait around to see full douche mode

 

It's important to stress this isn't gender specific, I've had my share of girls cancelling dates and they have even offered to re-schedule but it's usually re-scheduling from Saturday night to a Sunday because of a hangover or some.BS. Even with a re-schedule it is usually another couple of dates tops before they ghost so I won't tolerate even one cancellation these days unless it's due to serious illness and I would advise OP to do the same.

 

When *people* cancel dates it rarely happens in a vacuum. There is usually some other shoe waiting to drop in the background. Best to leave them to their machinations in peace and take a zero tolerance approach. I can count on no hands the number of quality relationships I've seen that started with a cancelled date within the first few dates.

[Fairyface55]

And no reply to above message! Oh my goodness. Bullet dodged. And yes; no one will be continued dating with one cancellation again unless exceptional. One thing drove me crazy - HE asked about deleting online dating apps and being exclusive - not me. Is his a psychopath?!