Should I reach out to my depressed ex-friend?

[CC24]

I'm 19. She's 17. She's the best person I've ever known. And she's been struggling with depression for a few months now and it's only gotten worse. She doesn't brush her hair and cries in the corner every Wednesday night like clockwork. We ended our friendship in early October and I feel horrible about it. I see her two best friends comforting her and I wish I could help, wish none of this had ever happened.

 

September-January of last year, she said we were best friends because at the time I was one of the few people she trusted with her pain. I was the one holding her as she cried, texting her encouragement when she had a problem or funny things to make her smile. But at the same time, I have always done life alone and don't connect well with others. When we were best friends, we mainly texted because in person both of us were usually too guarded. Despite having so much in common we couldn't be our real selves with each other. She used to try to get me to hang out, but we were always really awkward when we did, and eventually she stopped wanting to. She'd talk to me about how she bonded with others and all the things she was going to give them to show her appreciation and I felt invisible. I wanted us to be able to talk, sit together, walk together and hang out like she did with her other friends. February-March I was still in her inner circle but we were still disconnected and uncomfortable. She now had new friends that could do what I could do and more, I felt left out and didn't know where I fit. She mentioned that she has a tendency to cling to certain people and shut out all of her other friends, and I didn't realize what a huge deal that was until later. In April I forced myself out of my shell to connect with and help her and we were closer than ever, even hanging out together, but my courage was temporary and so was our bond. As time went on, I kept trying to be more friendly, but she had stopped investing in the friendship a long time ago, which made me feel even more insecure. In May she was starting to become more depressed so I asked her what she needed from me as a friend and she said hugs. So every Sunday and Wednesday, we would excitedly run to each other and hug like we hadn't seen each other in three years...and then she would shut down on me, my words would bounce right off of her. We'd go from acting like best friends to acting like strangers in a matter of seconds. One night she seemed upset so I hugged her, then after we pulled apart she just shut down on me, didn't speak to me, was just cold all of a sudden so I figured she wanted me to leave and walked away. The second I moved, her new best friend ran over and hugged her and then they started chatting and connecting and I heard my friend say "I love you!" She stopped saying "I love you" to and back to me and rarely ever says she appreciates what I give, but she does those things a lot with her two best friends so I felt like I was not enough. (If you're reading this and wondering why I haven't gotten the hint that this girl literally hates me, it's because every time I've tried to talk to this girl about the distance, she says "Trust me, I love you so much!") In the summer the all-hugs-no-talk thing got even worse. I started ignoring her because I felt ultimately unwanted, but then I'd see her crying in the corner or in pain and I'd give in and hug her or get her a gift, then I'd eventually be pushed away again and the cycle would continue. She was hot and cold, didn't like when I ignored her but then didn't want my attention, sometimes would walk right out of my arms if I tried to comfort her. In August we had a conversation and her exact words were "I've been pushing you away but now I'm ready to come back to you." But this time I was the distant one, because I couldn't bring myself to open up to her, it felt forced like she didn't really like me as much as she said she did. We went on a missions trip together that same month, and she was in a significant amount of physical and emotional pain the entire week. I was always either hesitant and guarded when she wanted me there or offering ill-timed help and affection when she wanted me to leave her alone. My clumsy attempts at being her friend were overshadowed by others, even if they were doing the same things I was doing or had done, and she consistently gave them appreciation and love while being hot and cold-mostly cold- with me. I felt like everything was hopeless. In September I apologized for not being a good enough friend and I made an effort to be better and we tried to start again, but even when she was confiding in me, she seemed hostile. Wouldn't even make eye contact in person. I often resorted back to the cycle of avoiding her until my love for her reeled me back in, but holding her when she cried or sending an encouraging note neither fixed her heart nor our friendship. I could never compare to her other friends. In October I felt like I was contributing to a toxic situation, and basically text her I couldn't do this anymore. She was like "I've just been feeling distant lately, it's me not you, love you!" and I was like "I'm the only one you treat this way, let's just be strangers now because that hurts less."

 

So now I don't even look at her when she's around. For the first couple of weeks I could feel her looking at me, but now she ignores me with an attitude. I know I have no right to miss her and want to help her but I do. I'm so conflicted, I have no idea whether the right thing is to reach out or leave her alone. I don't want her to think I don't care, but I don't know how things could ever get better between us.

[d0nnivain]

Kindness is always the right choice. Even if she rebuffs you, you will know you tried.

[Zapbasket]

Kindness is always the right choice. Even if she rebuffs you, you will know you tried.

 

I second this 100%. When people are in pain, they can't think straight about anything, especially not relationship conflicts. With depression, they're undergoing a million daily self-persecutions as it is, trapped in a constant boiling stew of gray clouds. Reach out to her. Tell her how much you care. Even if she rebuffs you, don't totally give up.

 

She will come to appreciate it later, even if she never tells you so.

[preraph]

For context, are you a guy? Could that be why she reacts differently to you than the girlfriends, because she doesn't want you to get the wrong idea or mislead you?

 

If you're not a guy and just one of the girl friends, I would say she's got enough people propping her up and isn't very appreciative of you, so I wouldn't go out of my way, though I'd be there if she needed me.

 

Most depressed people isolate, so I'm surprised she has so many friends around, honestly. Is her depression being treated? If not, the one thing I would do is try to convince her to go to a psychiatrist for treatment. it might not even be simple depression, could be personality disorder underlying it or something, you never know. It's not always one thing. You're very sweet to care so much and try so hard. But being sweet and trying doesn't always succeed.