How do you find healing after being left without an explanation?

[themalern]

This is just another case of unrequited love I’m afraid. I was, to say the least extremely overweight. I wasted my life doing things that were detrimental to my career and health. But I did not care, because no one cared. I was in my mid 20’s and my life was going nowhere. I never even had a girlfriend. I’m not saying I haven’t tried it’s just that there came a time where I found it to be so futile. No one bothered because of my physical appearance.

 

 

I never traveled and my whole world revolved around my four-cornered room. I’d go to my boring office job and get bullied by my coworkers on a regular basis. I kept to myself and barely spoke to anyone. Long story short, I was messed up.

 

 

But in the vastness of the cosmos there are those extremely rare events where the stars align and destiny moves the heavens. And when that happened to me, I met the person who was going to change my life in so many unimaginable ways.

 

 

I met her in the long hallway towards the pantry, and when I first saw her, it’s as if the puzzle inside my head just fell into place and that one missing piece just appeared out of nowhere – that piece was her. I could never forget how elegant she looked back then with her flowing locks of hair, her silky skin, her rosy lips, those splendid eyelashes, she had these really cute glasses and her eyes – damn those eyes! It’s as if they were looking into my very soul. I think God may have been bragging when he created her. She shook the very foundations of what I believed to be the laws of beauty and even now she still does. When I saw her, flowers started to grow in the darkest places of my mind.

 

 

Long story short, she lit a fire within me, and that became my burning desire to change. I went on a diet, exercised like there was no tomorrow. I took up sports, particularly boxing. I fixed myself, my personality and my relationship towards my family, friends and colleagues. She made me do a full 180 of my life. She was the only person in my mind while I tortured myself into changing and she was the only reason why I held on a second longer.

 

 

Because of her, I realized that there was something in me worth saving.

 

 

And in 3 months – yes just 3 months I became fit. I took my boxing seriously and my body transformed into a fighter. People were more friendly to me and a lot changed. No one bullied me anymore and I reached out to them. I traveled more often and met such beautiful people. I went outside my comfort zone because of the thought of her.

 

 

I was in love with her.

 

 

Eventually I plucked up the courage (which took a lot out of me) to ask her out on a date. It was some sort of a road trip which lasted a whole day. I enjoyed her company and finally my dream of being with her came into fruition.

 

 

But suddenly it was over as fast as it arrived. She stopped messaging me all of a sudden without telling me anything.

 

 

I was devastated. I kept backtracking to the days that led to our date, my preparations, my texts, the way I acted. But I could not find an answer. She just vanished. Blocked me on Facebook, deleted my number and just disappeared. I just got a taste of a real heartbreak and it sucked like hell. Eventually that “failure” led me to believe that I was not enough, that I will never be enough for someone. So I tortured myself even more, ate just 200 calories every 24 hours and ran 30 miles every day. I fought outside and inside the ring and my inner demons came back.

 

 

But deep inside I was just tortured by the fact that the only person that ever reached that far in my heart, the only person I ever loved truly with all my being just… disappeared. I was looking for keys to locks that didn’t exist.

 

 

That was more than 3 years ago. And I still couldn’t find an answer.

 

 

I’m still lonely but I have a mask to hide it. I still smile but cry every night. I still fight but curl up in agony when alone. I still run like hell but my broken heart slows me down much faster. The unbearable pain that I went through is enough to break any man a hundred times over. I believe that if my heart stopped beating, it would hurt a little bit less.

 

 

No one is perfect, but at least I tried to be – for her.

 

 

Apologies, I know each of you has probably heard this generic story before. Forgive me for looking for answers here. It’s just out of desperation. But if you can tell me anything – just anything to convince me to not push myself off the edge that’d be a great help. Thank you.

Edited October 28, 2018 by themalern

[Garcon1986]

Welcome to LS, pushing yourself over the edge is never the correct answer to a temporary problem. I would encourage you to listen to what I have to say

 

Well done for making such big changes about yourself. She did you some good in the sense that it lit a fire under you, to be a more quality bloke. Sadly, in dating, when you sign on the bottom line that you are going to start dating, both parties are always at risk of flaking. Something in her woman mind, however irrational it may be, said something didn't feel right, or she didn't understand the intensity of your feelings for her, and she found a more interesting lad. That is the sad reality of dating. Even a reliable woman can flake and ghost you.

 

The best thing to do is to never look back, and find the things right now, which you are happiest doing. Alcohol and tobacco don't count. You've gotta do things that make you really really happy. Take your time to grieve, some people "bury the hatchet", or "bury their relationship like a funeral" and, then never look back. Reach out to us on your path to healing, then try again. The key to winning the dating game is to never let one single woman discourage you too much. You can never let one single woman have total control of your emotions.

 

Remember what some famous basketball player said? You miss all the shots you never take. The flip side of that, is the winners decide to get up after being slammed down, just a few more times than the competition.

[preraph]

You can't make someone fall for you. Yes, you did everything right, but for her, this was just a "see if you like him enough" thing and it fizzled for her. Nothing you could have done. Just because she lines up with the "ideal woman" in your head doesn't mean you line up with her "ideal man." It's the irony of the universe, granted.

 

But the good thing is, she inadvertently woke you up and brought you back to life. Now, you stay motivated and alive and move forward until you find someone who is interested in you for who you are. Good luck.

[MountainGirl111]

How do you find healing? Hmmm....I think we've all done some healing or helped others heal whether we were aware we were helping them or not....

 

I believe proper healing starts from the INSIDE...and the best healing is from inside-out. To get the inside right there may be some things that need to be purged. Old feelings of inadequacy and pain from being bullied, etc. Even though you have come so far in improving yourself and your physique, do you still feel inadequate? Are there still some things that haunt you? Did people make fun of you? Those kind of mental abuses are hard to get rid of and can follow a person around for years even though they've changed so much.

 

I'm also going to challenge you to rethink your idea that she is the ideal woman. I'll even venture to say there is no such thing are an ideal woman or man. It doesn't exist. People are just people. *shrug* That's how I see it. We all have flaws; some more readily evident than others; some we wear on our sleeves. Some flaws we don't see till way later.

 

I truly believe a more important thing to invest oneself in is friendships rather than romantic stuff. Because friendship. true friendship is the only thing that really lasts. I'm not saying romantic love cannot be great, fun, and capable of getting a fire lit. Not at all. But, I just wouldn't hang my hat on romantic love.

 

Love yourSELF. That really is the most important thing. If you can get that straightened out you're going to be a lot happier, no matter who you date.

[Mr. Lucky]

My friend, an awful lot to read into one date. You’ve made a lot of progress, don’t tie it to the whims of one person...

 

Mr. Lucky

[snowcones]

This is just another case of unrequited love I’m afraid. I was, to say the least extremely overweight. I wasted my life doing things that were detrimental to my career and health. But I did not care, because no one cared. I was in my mid 20’s and my life was going nowhere. I never even had a girlfriend. I’m not saying I haven’t tried it’s just that there came a time where I found it to be so futile. No one bothered because of my physical appearance.

 

 

I never traveled and my whole world revolved around my four-cornered room. I’d go to my boring office job and get bullied by my coworkers on a regular basis. I kept to myself and barely spoke to anyone. Long story short, I was messed up.

 

 

But in the vastness of the cosmos there are those extremely rare events where the stars align and destiny moves the heavens. And when that happened to me, I met the person who was going to change my life in so many unimaginable ways.

 

 

I met her in the long hallway towards the pantry, and when I first saw her, it’s as if the puzzle inside my head just fell into place and that one missing piece just appeared out of nowhere – that piece was her. I could never forget how elegant she looked back then with her flowing locks of hair, her silky skin, her rosy lips, those splendid eyelashes, she had these really cute glasses and her eyes – damn those eyes! It’s as if they were looking into my very soul. I think God may have been bragging when he created her. She shook the very foundations of what I believed to be the laws of beauty and even now she still does. When I saw her, flowers started to grow in the darkest places of my mind.

 

 

Long story short, she lit a fire within me, and that became my burning desire to change. I went on a diet, exercised like there was no tomorrow. I took up sports, particularly boxing. I fixed myself, my personality and my relationship towards my family, friends and colleagues. She made me do a full 180 of my life. She was the only person in my mind while I tortured myself into changing and she was the only reason why I held on a second longer.

 

 

Because of her, I realized that there was something in me worth saving.

 

 

And in 3 months – yes just 3 months I became fit. I took my boxing seriously and my body transformed into a fighter. People were more friendly to me and a lot changed. No one bullied me anymore and I reached out to them. I traveled more often and met such beautiful people. I went outside my comfort zone because of the thought of her.

 

 

I was in love with her.

 

 

Eventually I plucked up the courage (which took a lot out of me) to ask her out on a date. It was some sort of a road trip which lasted a whole day. I enjoyed her company and finally my dream of being with her came into fruition.

 

 

But suddenly it was over as fast as it arrived. She stopped messaging me all of a sudden without telling me anything.

 

 

I was devastated. I kept backtracking to the days that led to our date, my preparations, my texts, the way I acted. But I could not find an answer. She just vanished. Blocked me on Facebook, deleted my number and just disappeared. I just got a taste of a real heartbreak and it sucked like hell. Eventually that “failure” led me to believe that I was not enough, that I will never be enough for someone. So I tortured myself even more, ate just 200 calories every 24 hours and ran 30 miles every day. I fought outside and inside the ring and my inner demons came back.

 

 

But deep inside I was just tortured by the fact that the only person that ever reached that far in my heart, the only person I ever loved truly with all my being just… disappeared. I was looking for keys to locks that didn’t exist.

 

 

That was more than 3 years ago. And I still couldn’t find an answer.

 

 

I’m still lonely but I have a mask to hide it. I still smile but cry every night. I still fight but curl up in agony when alone. I still run like hell but my broken heart slows me down much faster. The unbearable pain that I went through is enough to break any man a hundred times over. I believe that if my heart stopped beating, it would hurt a little bit less.

 

 

No one is perfect, but at least I tried to be – for her.

 

 

Apologies, I know each of you has probably heard this generic story before. Forgive me for looking for answers here. It’s just out of desperation. But if you can tell me anything – just anything to convince me to not push myself off the edge that’d be a great help. Thank you.

 

 

Wow, you are a really really good writer.

 

I can't tell you how much I love this story. Not that I am relishing in your misery, but just in hearing how human you are. The expression of your emotions and how real and relatable they are, I never see this coming from men. Not in this way and that has not been good for me. Anyway, thank you. I think you are special. Very very special. The only advice I can give you is to be patient and keep learning to love yourself more. I know for me that love you described only ever comes around once every few years and I'm sure the time in between is going to increase as I get older. Patience is the only thing I have. And to practice loving myself each day so I can feel good. I hope you do the same.

Edited October 29, 2018 by snowcones

[themalern]

Thank you.

 

I really appreciate the replies.

 

Right now, I think the only thing that's preventing me from picking up the pieces and moving on with my life is the fact that she still does not know the things I did for her.

 

I'm not saying that by telling her she'd change her mind and fall head over heels for me. No. I'm saying that it would give justice to my heart that kept beating for her all this time.

 

Letting her know everything would give closure to my feelings. And in doing so, I would let her know that I am not just someone she "just dated", that I was a man willing to change, willing to butcher the whole world, willing to die - just for her.

 

In the end, I just want her to be happy. Whether it would be with someone else, alone or with me - I just want her to be happy.

 

And if I do that, I can finally close this chapter of my life and finally open my heart to someone who is worthy of it.

 

Here's to hoping.

[JuneL]

You really should be grateful for having someone (or something) to motivate you to undergo such a tremendous transformation. Realize that her role is over in your life. There’s no need to tell her you did the transformation due to her, as this is more about you than about her.

[snowcones]

Thank you.

 

I really appreciate the replies.

 

Right now, I think the only thing that's preventing me from picking up the pieces and moving on with my life is the fact that she still does not know the things I did for her.

 

I'm not saying that by telling her she'd change her mind and fall head over heels for me. No. I'm saying that it would give justice to my heart that kept beating for her all this time.

 

Letting her know everything would give closure to my feelings. And in doing so, I would let her know that I am not just someone she "just dated", that I was a man willing to change, willing to butcher the whole world, willing to die - just for her.

 

In the end, I just want her to be happy. Whether it would be with someone else, alone or with me - I just want her to be happy.

 

And if I do that, I can finally close this chapter of my life and finally open my heart to someone who is worthy of it.

 

Here's to hoping.

Not every woman is going to be appreciative and see the good in what you did. I feel you need to know that because it's the truth. I feel that you may get hurt if you try this with her because of how she blocked you. It was a bit unkind. I think you should just let it go.

[themalern]

Wow, you are a really really good writer.

 

I can't tell you how much I love this story. Not that I am relishing in your misery, but just in hearing how human you are. The expression of your emotions and how real and relatable they are, I never see this coming from men. Not in this way and that has not been good for me. Anyway, thank you. I think you are special. Very very special. The only advice I can give you is to be patient and keep learning to love yourself more. I know for me that love you described only ever comes around once every few years and I'm sure the time in between is going to increase as I get older. Patience is the only thing I have. And to practice loving myself each day so I can feel good. I hope you do the same.

 

 

Love really does bring out the poet in someone.

[preraph]

You need to leave her alone now. If you tell her those things, she's only going to think you're crazy for falling for someone you dont really know who isnt and will never be interested back. Telling her that will make you creepy.

[JuneL]

Was she friendly to you before your transformation? Did she know the road trip was a date? I am asking because it’s easy for guys who haven’t had much attention from women to mistake someone’s being friendly as having romantic feelings; worse, they would put all the eggs into one basket before the girl even starts dating them.

[SeekingJoy]

A lot of research shows that making physical improvements do not result in happier, more confident people. So, while you may have rapidly rehabbed your outside, your inside may need more attention. It sounds like you have experienced trauma and isolation, and you sometimes struggle to make sense of your feelings (good and bad). Do you think counselling would help you work on some of these feelings and goals?

[snowcones]

Love really does bring out the poet in someone.

 

 

The poet is nice but what's even better is what you felt for her.

[spiderowl]

Sorry to hear how it went. You did a fantastic job on looking after yourself - well done! You really should be proud.

 

I'm afraid it is always a mystery why one person does not feel the same as the other. Why does one cat choose a particular other for a mate? A cat might not look particularly attractive to us but may be really popular with other cats. It doesn't make sense; it's just some instinctive nature thing.

 

Next time, a girl may fall for you and you might not feel the same about her. Is it her fault? No, of course not. Some people stand out to us and others we barely notice. Instinct is a strange thing. Trying to explain it or to blame yourself by assuming there is something wrong with you, is pointless. When the stars align, you and a girl will meet and things will just happen naturally and effortlessly.

 

The way we know someone is wrong for us is if:

 

- we don't feel attracted to them

- we don't find them interesting

- they are not interested in us.

 

Once you realise that if someone does not choose to be with you, they are wrong for you rather than the other way round, it is much easier to let them go.

 

Not saying anything to you is an easy way out. It does leave you wondering but she just is not right for you. Feeling attracted to someone does not mean they are right for you.

 

You need to give up on explanations, otherwise it will just drive you crazy. Write her off and let her go. You can then look forward to when there will be a genuine two-way connection.

[portwine49]

Sometimes in life it takes someone to inspire us to change for the better, and she sounds like she was the catalyst for you to do that. Rejection is a horrible feeling but please understand that restricting your caloric intake and punishing yourself is not the answer. It sounds to me you fell head over heels for this person and for reasons that have nothing to do with you, she chose to go her on way. But the fact remains you can do anything you set your mind to and should do that for yourself, not for the reward of acceptance by another person. There is someone out there that is going to love you exactly as you are and you must first love yourself first. Keep striving to push your limits to being healthy and opening yourself up to new experiences. Try not to obsess or focus on this one person as a loss. She gave you something meaningful in that being inspiration to become healthier and stronger and more open to new experiences. Keep enjoying that and when you least expect it someone new may come along and bring you more joy than you would have hoped for or expected. My best to you.

[MountainGirl111]

Fitness is a great outlet, but be careful there and try not to get into excessive anything, like torturing yourself. Be kind to yourself. Do something nice for yourself every single day even if it doesn't seem like a big deal. Take it one day at a time; each day make a goal to do something nice. Eat good. Severely restricting calories is not the way to go, friend but I think you know that. There are people who love you, the real you, who you are on the inside. I feel very dismayed that our society seems to support the image that thin is the only way to attract a mate. You see it in the media so much. Images.

[themalern]

Thank you all for the replies.

 

I wept as I read some of them. I know the right woman is out there somewhere. We'll find each other in the right time and place and in the right circumstances.

 

I'd like to think that whatever happened to me, happened for a reason to prepare me for the person that's really meant for me.

 

I will continue to fight the good fight.

 

Thank you oh so very very much.

[MountainGirl111]

I like your mentality of fighting the good fight....in life and in love.....

 

Love takes no prisoners sometimes...

 

But YOU can be a good soldier with or without the perfect woman in your life!!

 

This is about YOU...what is worth fighting for? Your best INTERNAL self is worth fighting for. You didn't sign up to get so hurt, but if you think about it you did sign up for something.

 

Now, you need to sign up for yourself. The battle lines are not always clearly drawn or this might be more straightforward. How can you know when you are in enemy territory? This is not like a sophisticated submarine with sonars and everything that goes with it. Life is going to feel like unchartered territory at times.

 

So, if we look at some animals and how they heal when wounded we can learn a lot. Sometimes they want to be left alone and will even go off alone to have some healing time. Some of us humans aren't much different when we're sick. But then again, some humans seem to love the attention they get when they're sick. Everyone is different in how they approach healing. We all have different ways of dealing with pain too.

[MountainGirl111]

How you're going to heal from all this is partly going to depend on how you deal with pain. Everyone's different. Some people are stoic. Some use distraction. Some become workaholics....by staying busy they don't have TIME to notice the pain. Some want to just get numb and stay as numb as possible. This can lead to substance abuse. Some take the pain they feel and inflict themselves with even more pain.(or inflict on others) Some become super "controlled" or controlling. Some go out and buy the latest model of something. Some become shopaholics. Some just leave....get as far away from the source of pain as they can. Some will do anything to alleviate the pain they feel. Some will "act out". See that a lot with kids trying to cope with pain in their lives. So, you could see a variety of behaviors, really.

 

I've got a relative who is obese plus has a spending problem. She overspends money that should go elsewhere. She really needs to lose the weight or she's going to be getting into some serious trouble with her health. My theory is that she started overspending to cope with the pain of being obese. Getting new stuff gives her an emotional uplift and makes her feel better. Now she is not only obese, but has an addiction to shopping. Losing the weight is not easy. It takes hard work and dedication. Breaking an addiction is not easy either. So, what gives?

Edited November 2, 2018 by MountainGirl111

[themalern]

I just came from having a checkup today. A few days ago I noticed that my urine became very dark and concentrated after intense workout and roadwork. It turned out that my kidneys are failing and kidney stones are now starting to form. The doctor told me that this may be the result of my fluid intake and output imbalance – I sweat more than I drink.

 

My body is starting to fail me.

 

I’ve been prescribed with medications and have been advised to drink at least 10 liters of water in a 12-hour span on a daily basis if I am still going to continue working out.

 

I went home and looked at myself in the mirror and suddenly in an instant everything just caught up with me and I realized that I could no longer recognize the person looking back at me from the other side. Dry skin, lean body, sunken eyes, cheek bones. I was a shell of my former self.

 

Before everything happened I smiled genuinely and laughed often. Now, I don’t even remember the last time I laughed or smiled. I broke down today.

[Redhead14]

Because of her, I realized that there was something in me worth saving.

-- The attitude of whether there is something in you worth saving, should apply now also. If nothing else, she helped you in a way that should be something you should carry with you from now on -- you are a great guy, with a lot to offer. And, I always tell people who want to get into better shape, should do it for themselves -- not for someone else.

 

You were feeling like a better man . . . bring that man to someone who deserves to have you and is right for you.

 

You don't need healing because you're not broken.

Edited November 2, 2018 by Redhead14

[preraph]

You follow the doc's instructions and drink the water and you'll be fine. You dehydrated yourself. From now on, you need to drink tons of water. I have to, too. To do that, I had to pretty much cut out drinking other things, but that's fine. You get used to it. Nothing hydrates and cleanses your kidneys like water, so don't start thinking coffee or soda or anything with caffeine is a good substitute and remember that artificial sweeteners and caffeine dehydrate you too. You'll rebuild yourself. It's simple enough to drink tons of water.

[SevenCity]

Kidney stones are the physical equivalent of what you are feeling emotionally. I’ve had 3 episodes and it was the most painful physical experience of my life. Drink water and lemonade or something with citrates or you will regret it dearly.

 

That said, women don’t like guys too skinny almost as much as too fat. Increase your caloric intake.

 

It’s good that she prompted you to make change. But it ultimately has to be for you. As painful as this is, what you experience when dumped after a long term rl will dwarf it. Happens to everyone.

 

What you need to work on is why you need someone to complete you. You need to work on being complete yourself. It was t until I was ok with being alone that I could have a healthy relationship. It is a weakness that will run your life and you have to eliminate it. Google “Mouth of ape” on YouTube. He’s got some great videos including your happiness “pie” - where you don’t let one thing take up too much so when it’s gone (and everything ends) you can continue to function.

 

Your biggest problem is not this girl not feeling the same, it’s that you’ve put your power with someone else. It will happen again and again as long as you allow an external entity dictate your happiness.

 

Be happy from within and when you’re ready the universe will send you what you need.

[MountainGirl111]

I hope your kidneys aren't failing you. Is that what the Dr. said or is that what you are thinking? You are severely dehydrated! That can happen all to easily when people sweat tons and don't replace the fluid. Or, when you restrict yourself.

 

I believe your response to pain is to torture yourself. Everyone responds to pain differently.

 

But, your response to pain is also have cried out for help. So, that tells me you also have a healthy response to pain....it's healthy to seek out help when we're in pain. That means we are paying attention to the pain signals. Pain is something that is given to us for a reason. It wants us to pay attention and figure out why we in pain and find ways to alleviate pain.

 

It's possible you are giving yourself physical pain with excessive exercise. This may be how you're coping with internal pain. But you can't keep doing this friend!

 

Don't give up. That is the main thing. Never give up on yourself.