Have any women here gone on a date and have the guy threaten you if you leave him?

[Mike800]

A good friend of mine called me to hangout today and she was being cryptic and vague but basically told me this guy threatened to kill her if she left him while they were on a bed and he knew how to get rid of the fingerprints..I asked if she was joking and she didn’t answer.

 

She only went on 2 casual dates with him so I’m worried that if she was threatened on a bed that it was even more then physical abuse.

 

She also seemed to have a bruise on her face she seemed to be trying to hide but I’m not 100%

 

It’s weird because she seemed to want to hangout to get comfort or help but when she left and I asked if he hurt her she said no.

 

 

How should I handle this? I want to help her but she won’t fully admit what he did

[PegNosePete]

If he was serious then she should contact the police ASAP.

[preraph]

Take a photo of her face and take it to police. they might talk her into reporting, or they might not even try unless she reaches out. But get that photo.

 

To be doing that this soon, he's totally out of control. She needs to do something about it. He's dangerous.

[BitterSweetz]

... that narcissistic sociopaths use to get their partners to stay. Google gaslighting. Those kind of people are the types that do kill, they have no empathy and are only out to serve themselves. she needs to report this with the police right away and contact a local DV shelter and ask for counseling and or prevention services to recognize red flags these predators send off early. i know, most the men I've ever dated or been with targeted me because of my trusting naive temperament. its what they look for.

[Mike800]

... that narcissistic sociopaths use to get their partners to stay. Google gaslighting. Those kind of people are the types that do kill, they have no empathy and are only out to serve themselves. she needs to report this with the police right away and contact a local DV shelter and ask for counseling and or prevention services to recognize red flags these predators send off early. i know, most the men I've ever dated or been with targeted me because of my trusting naive temperament. its what they look for.

 

She claims he didn’t hit her who knows maybe he didn’t but even if that’s the case threats are bad enough to take seriously right?

 

It’s weird because they were never going out they went on 2 casual dates and he was already threatening her to never leave him.

 

We were on the phone at like 1am the other day talking about him and he called her and told her he could tell shes on the phone by the WhatsApp app. This guys high level staking

 

She mentioned something about him

offering her money.I told her never take money from him it will make things worse and even though she didn’t admit it I have a feeling he’s already given her money.

 

What’s bothering me is one minute she says he’s dangerous and a restraining order wouldn’t scare him because he’s not afraid to lose his freedom and another minute she’s talking about how he’s not a bad guy and she feels sorry for him.

 

I texted her today and she said he’s good and getting better and slowly understanding she wants to leave him whatever that means.

 

I then texted her saying I wanted to take her to a restaurant for her bday(I texted her that a few days ago and she never responded) she never responded back to this text even though a few minutes before she was responding to me.

 

I wonder if this guy is telling her not to see me or certain people

Edited November 8, 2018 by Mike800

[preraph]

Anytime someone threatens violence if you leave or suicide if you leave, whichi s also violence, you should leave and leave where they can't find you and report it to police.

[BitterSweetz]

She claims he didn’t hit her who knows maybe he didn’t but even if that’s the case threats are bad enough to take seriously right?

 

It’s weird because they were never going out they went on 2 casual dates and he was already threatening her to never leave him.

 

We were on the phone at like 1am the other day talking about him and he called her and told her he could tell shes on the phone by the WhatsApp app. This guys high level staking

 

She mentioned something about him

offering her money.I told her never take money from him it will make things worse and even though she didn’t admit it I have a feeling he’s already given her money.

 

What’s bothering me is one minute she says he’s dangerous and a restraining order wouldn’t scare him because he’s not afraid to lose his freedom and another minute she’s talking about how he’s not a bad guy and she feels sorry for him.

 

I texted her today and she said he’s good and getting better and slowly understanding she wants to leave him whatever that means.

 

I then texted her saying I wanted to take her to a restaurant for her bday(I texted her that a few days ago and she never responded) she never responded back to this text even though a few minutes before she was responding to me.

 

I wonder if this guy is telling her not to see me or certain people

 

ok... this guy is gaslighting her i can assure you. I have been through this, look up stockholm syndrome, this is very serious. Also look up trauma bonding, she needs to get away from this creep ASAP and needs to find a safe place to stay. the restraining order is so she can defend herself when he comes at her after he goes no contact.

[Mike800]

ok... this guy is gaslighting her i can assure you. I have been through this, look up stockholm syndrome, this is very serious. Also look up trauma bonding, she needs to get away from this creep ASAP and needs to find a safe place to stay. the restraining order is so she can defend herself when he comes at her after he goes no contact.

 

I think he’s a drug dealer who’s been in jail so she’s scared if she gets a restraining order it will make him even madder.

 

She was sexually abused and physically abused as a kid at times so maybe to her this feels like kind of normal behavior? He probably preys on people like her.

 

Do you also think her not texting back to go out for dinner has something to do with him?

Edited November 9, 2018 by Mike800

[Mike800]

Also I’m kinda naive about this. I can understand getting gaslighted after being with someone awhile and emotionally bonding and becoming attatched but how does it happen when you met someone only a few times? Shouldn’t that give someone the creeps and be a huge red flag when basically a stranger is threatening you?

[Mike800]

Anytime someone threatens violence if you leave or suicide if you leave, whichi s also violence, you should leave and leave where they can't find you and report it to police.

 

I agree but she’s worried a restraining order won’t stop this guy.

[BitterSweetz]

To a certain extent it is in her social conditioning since it started early in her life. It sucks, I grew up with a narcissistic mother that abused my dad, and was very jealous of my ( so said all the other older adults, not just in my head).

 

We carry what ever we learn early with us in our conditioning, it shapes who are are as adults. This includes cultural aspects of the conditioning. just like conditioning your body for competition or a marathon so happens with the pathways in our brains. The more we do something the easier it is for us to do, that includes behaviors and mannerisms we are not conscious of.

 

So if she is used to being submissive and walking on eggshells the patterns will assume even if she has not been near an abuser in awhile. There is a period of time that an abuser grooms the person for abuse.

 

She needs to go no contact and get a restraining order. the order is for her protection and she may need to move away from him or find means to save her life when he comes after her. most who have no empathy have no shame either so he will do what he says. Never assume a bluff... yes many abusers are cowards but never assume that for every one of them.

 

she needs to find a way to learn more about this stuff (like i did) to learn the red flag and how to have the courage to stand up for oneself. Retraining the neural pathways in the brain is difficult and hella uncomfortable but it can be done.

[Mike800]

To a certain extent it is in her social conditioning since it started early in her life. It sucks, I grew up with a narcissistic mother that abused my dad, and was very jealous of my ( so said all the other older adults, not just in my head).

 

We carry what ever we learn early with us in our conditioning, it shapes who are are as adults. This includes cultural aspects of the conditioning. just like conditioning your body for competition or a marathon so happens with the pathways in our brains. The more we do something the easier it is for us to do, that includes behaviors and mannerisms we are not conscious of.

 

So if she is used to being submissive and walking on eggshells the patterns will assume even if she has not been near an abuser in awhile. There is a period of time that an abuser grooms the person for abuse.

 

She needs to go no contact and get a restraining order. the order is for her protection and she may need to move away from him or find means to save her life when he comes after her. most who have no empathy have no shame either so he will do what he says. Never assume a bluff... yes many abusers are cowards but never assume that for every one of them.

 

she needs to find a way to learn more about this stuff (like i did) to learn the red flag and how to have the courage to stand up for oneself. Retraining the neural pathways in the brain is difficult and hella uncomfortable but it can be done.

 

Thanks for your help..I texted her about gaslighting today and she didn’t respond..I don’t care if she’s mad at me I want to make her aware and hopefully save her life

[BitterSweetz]

sometimes we need to be a better friend by being honest, which more often than not is exactly what your friend does not want to hear.

 

sometimes the truth hurts! it sucks to be THAT friend but you're telling her the blunt truth. If this guy threatened her he is abusive one form or another.

 

abuse is not love

[Mike800]

sometimes we need to be a better friend by being honest, which more often than not is exactly what your friend does not want to hear.

 

sometimes the truth hurts! it sucks to be THAT friend but you're telling her the blunt truth. If this guy threatened her he is abusive one form or another.

 

abuse is not love

 

She’s a very proud person who doesn’t like to admit abuse but somethings clearly going on..

 

I’m one of the few people in her life on her side and I hope she doesn’t resent me but im gonna air on the side of caution..

 

She tells me at times she doesn’t think this Guy will do anything to her but I’m not taking that chance

[Mike800]

sometimes we need to be a better friend by being honest, which more often than not is exactly what your friend does not want to hear.

 

sometimes the truth hurts! it sucks to be THAT friend but you're telling her the blunt truth. If this guy threatened her he is abusive one form or another.

 

abuse is not love

 

She claims she’s not into him and she’s just trying to slowly get out of it which even if that’s the case I showed her what gaslighting is just as a precaution.

 

The fact she’s still seeing him and at times says things like she feels sorry for him and he’s not that bad is what worries me.

[BitterSweetz]

Things she is saying about him is what i used to say about my ex's no matter how far i was in a "...."-ship with them.

 

In the end she will do what she wants, but this guy sounds like she is not the first one he has pulled this over on.

 

He sounds experienced at this, which worries me for your and her sake, know what he does is not your fault nor hers. No one can make him do anything, the types that "use speech patterns" like him tend to blame shift quite a bit onto people they hurt or attempt to manipulate.

 

Its just a big hairy mess that she has found herself in and i will pray that she finds herself out of it soon.

 

Being busy, making sure no one follows her, and being in public eye are good precautions. I am a proud one myself, but I am a survivor and there is nothing to be ashamed for if I am not responsible for what there is to be ashamed of.

 

Abuse happens in every social setting, every income bracket, every tax bracket and in every single ethnicity and culture. Some ethnicity's and tax brackets have more occurrences, and some are just better at hiding it.

 

I will admit there is a sense of shame that the abuser instills in the target, placing blame on the potential victim; that is usually set up in the beginning stages and then reinforced as the "..."-ship progresses.

[BitterSweetz]

to all involved, and in general

 

Be safe!

[Mike800]

Things she is saying about him is what i used to say about my ex's no matter how far i was in a "...."-ship with them.

 

In the end she will do what she wants, but this guy sounds like she is not the first one he has pulled this over on.

 

He sounds experienced at this, which worries me for your and her sake, know what he does is not your fault nor hers. No one can make him do anything, the types that "use speech patterns" like him tend to blame shift quite a bit onto people they hurt or attempt to manipulate.

 

Its just a big hairy mess that she has found herself in and i will pray that she finds herself out of it soon.

 

Being busy, making sure no one follows her, and being in public eye are good precautions. I am a proud one myself, but I am a survivor and there is nothing to be ashamed for if I am not responsible for what there is to be ashamed of.

 

Abuse happens in every social setting, every income bracket, every tax bracket and in every single ethnicity and culture. Some ethnicity's and tax brackets have more occurrences, and some are just better at hiding it.

 

I will admit there is a sense of shame that the abuser instills in the target, placing blame on the potential victim; that is usually set up in the beginning stages and then reinforced as the "..."-ship progresses.

 

Thanks..Let me ask you this..the fact that she wanted to FaceTime break up with him a few weeks ago around me and my friend and that on her bday I was on the phone for 2 hours with her talking about how to end this..Doesn’t this sound like she is aware of this and is trying to leave in the safest way possible(since he’s a dangerous man) instead of her being brainwashed by this guy and falling for him?

 

Also as I asked before I can see how if someone’s nice and manipulative in the beginning and you grow feelings and a bond with them then gaslight and abuse how someone can get stuck in that relationship..

 

But how do you fall for gaslighting and things like offering money and being charming after only 2 casual dates when youve already been abused or at least threatened by basically a stranger who you have no emotional attatchment to and don’t know?

Edited November 13, 2018 by Mike800

[BitterSweetz]

Thanks..Let me ask you this..the fact that she wanted to FaceTime break up with him a few weeks ago around me and my friend and that on her bday I was on the phone for 2 hours with her talking about how to end this..Doesn’t this sound like she is aware of this and is trying to leave in the safest way possible(since he’s a dangerous man) instead of her being brainwashed by this guy and falling for him?

 

Also as I asked before I can see how if someone’s nice and manipulative in the beginning and you grow feelings and a bond with them then gaslight and abuse how someone can get stuck in that relationship..

 

But how do you fall for gaslighting and things like offering money and being charming after only 2 casual dates when youve already been abused or at least threatened by basically a stranger who you have no emotional attatchment to and don’t know?

 

I am trying to find a direct question in your reply, if i do not answer the correct question I am trying to find please clarify for me with a direct question.

 

gas lighting is not something one falls for, it is a manipulative technique that is used by the abuser to confuse and disorient the target. Mental manipulation is used to make the target (unsuspecting potential victim) dependent on the abuser for their approval. This is due to the way the way the manipulative behavior acts on our brain chemistry, and makes the target not trust their judgement or for fear of retaliation of the abuser.

 

If a person has a history of abuse, their brain already has neural pathways that have been used when abusers present this behavior so it is easy to fall back into old patterns they used to cope in the past.

 

I read once that the body can be in pain and anguish, but if the brain is comfortable it would rather stay in a situation. Change makes the brain uncomfortable because it forces it to create new pathway that are narrow, and so it has to work overtime to widen them for regular use. Hense a reason as to why a person would drift into a hazardous situation, if they are familiar with the patterns and behaviors, their brain is comfortable.

[BitterSweetz]

So from what I read in your last response you said she did break up with him?

The best thing for her to do if she did break up with him is go no contact, otherwise he can get back into her head, or lure her back into a relationship with him.

 

If he sais she cannot break up with him, that is not for him to decide.

 

Take all evidence of the messages, or witnesses to the police office and make a report. If something happens to her and there is no history of police reports or complaints against him from her, at least in the USA, it makes it harder to build a case.

[Mike800]

So from what I read in your last response you said she did break up with him?

The best thing for her to do if she did break up with him is go no contact, otherwise he can get back into her head, or lure her back into a relationship with him.

 

If he sais she cannot break up with him, that is not for him to decide.

 

Take all evidence of the messages, or witnesses to the police office and make a report. If something happens to her and there is no history of police reports or complaints against him from her, at least in the USA, it makes it harder to build a case.

 

No she’s trying to but because he’s dangerous I guess she’s trying to find a way to do it delicately.

 

I bought her a gift for her bday she texted me back and said she loved the gift and loves me but accidentally texted him mentioned my name and he got mad and asked if the relationship is over.

 

I texted her back a few days later and asked if he stopped harassing her after that incident she said not completely but has gotten better since then and is slowly coming around to breaking it off whatever that means.

[BitterSweetz]

Just be patient, and supportive. You all sound like adults, life is difficult to begin with and add difficult people to the equation makes it even harder.

 

If you have other questions i might be able to help with I am hoping to still be popping in here. Some members aren't being kind and are quite rude, which triggers my PTSD.

 

I pushed most my friends away when I was talking to men with controlling personalities. I miss most of them, but I was always walking on eggshells, he didn't even want me talking to my related blood family; they were all jealous, demanding, and controlling "my way or the highway, get over it" kind of attitudes.

 

sometimes the victims support network need support, don't be afraid to seek counsel and support yourself.

[Mike800]

Just be patient, and supportive. You all sound like adults, life is difficult to begin with and add difficult people to the equation makes it even harder.

 

If you have other questions i might be able to help with I am hoping to still be popping in here. Some members aren't being kind and are quite rude, which triggers my PTSD.

 

I pushed most my friends away when I was talking to men with controlling personalities. I miss most of them, but I was always walking on eggshells, he didn't even want me talking to my related blood family; they were all jealous, demanding, and controlling "my way or the highway, get over it" kind of attitudes.

 

sometimes the victims support network need support, don't be afraid to seek counsel and support yourself.

 

Thanks it is taxing at times.

 

She’s at times not answered texts back to hangout or basic texts so I wonder if it had something to do with him. She claimed a few tones that her phone is old so she doesn’t get certain texts or can’t reply

 

It’s hard to tell if it’s because of him only because she’s been flaky with answering texts back at times before this. But this makes me more suspicious