Female Friends Okay in a relationship??!!

[luckymax]

I have been in a relationship with the same man for many years. Female friends have always been a issue. About two years ago I said. . I can not marry you & I can not be with you if you have female friends that you call and hang around. Basically, I'm not dealing with a female calling my husband her best friend.

 

Fast forward to a year later. I see he has developed a friendship with another female. I address this (I probably blow up) he basically gaslights me. . .Oh she is his friends friend . . .not his. He is only around her because she is around them. I pretty they are friends. He hides a lot of stuff. Her phone number shows up all over the phone bill.

 

I have reached the last straw. . . As I was combing out his beard the other night a long hair not matching mine came out. He said who it was & that him and his friend were sitting in the car with her. He says he knows what he does looks wrong but he is not cheating on me. Whoever else I find will though. I just don't know what to do. As long as this is going on I will not be happy.

[Malin889]

What else has happened in the past that you haven’t liked? There’s female friends, then there are female “friends.” I don’t think you should be worried about his friends unless they are more than friends or he’s acting inappropriately with them.

 

But as for the long hair in the beard (how does THAT happen?!), yes, I’d be concerned.

 

Also, if there’s a problem, he’s the problem, not them.

Edited October 29, 2018 by Malin889

[Logo]

I have been in a relationship with the same man for many years. Female friends have always been a issue. About two years ago I said. . I can not marry you & I can not be with you if you have female friends that you call and hang around. Basically, I'm not dealing with a female calling my husband her best friend.

 

Fast forward to a year later. I see he has developed a friendship with another female. I address this (I probably blow up) he basically gaslights me. . .Oh she is his friends friend . . .not his. He is only around her because she is around them. I pretty they are friends. He hides a lot of stuff. Her phone number shows up all over the phone bill.

 

I have reached the last straw. . . As I was combing out his beard the other night a long hair not matching mine came out. He said who it was & that him and his friend were sitting in the car with her. He says he knows what he does looks wrong but he is not cheating on me. Whoever else I find will though. I just don't know what to do. As long as this is going on I will not be happy.

 

 

 

 

How long are the conversations?

[Mr. Lucky]

I can not marry you .

 

How do you even consider marrying someone you don’t trust?

 

If you see yourself on a marriage and family track with this guy, you’re as much at fault as he is. You get that which you permit...

 

Mr. Lucky

[elaine567]

I have been in a relationship with the same man for many years. Female friends have always been a issue. About two years ago I said. . I can not marry you & I can not be with you if you have female friends that you call and hang around. Basically, I'm not dealing with a female calling my husband her best friend.

Fast forward to a year later. I see he has developed a friendship with another female. I address this (I probably blow up) he basically gaslights me. . .Oh she is his friends friend . . .not his. He is only around her because she is around them. I pretty they are friends. He hides a lot of stuff. Her phone number shows up all over the phone bill.

 

I have reached the last straw. . . As I was combing out his beard the other night a long hair not matching mine came out. He said who it was & that him and his friend were sitting in the car with her. He says he knows what he does looks wrong but he is not cheating on me. Whoever else I find will though. I just don't know what to do. As long as this is going on I will not be happy.

 

People date and get engaged before marriage so they have time to sort out issues before making it legal.

You are obviously not happy with a man who has a harem of female friends and who despite knowing you do not like it has added another "close" female friend just recently.

You know something isn't right here and we know something isn't right here, and he is not going to change, so why deliberately make yourself unhappy by sticking around?

[sabaton]

I have been in a relationship with the same man for many years. Female friends have always been a issue. About two years ago I said. . I can not marry you & I can not be with you if you have female friends that you call and hang around. Basically, I'm not dealing with a female calling my husband her best friend.

 

 

How come? Has your husband ever given you reasons to be insecure about those female friends? I befriended women in college who are still a part of my life years and years since. Men and women can be friends, as long as there's established boundaries and people respect each other.

 

 

Fast forward to a year later. I see he has developed a friendship with another female. I address this (I probably blow up) he basically gaslights me. . .Oh she is his friends friend . . .not his. He is only around her because she is around them. I pretty they are friends. He hides a lot of stuff. Her phone number shows up all over the phone bill.

 

 

Well, considering half of the worl's population is comprised of females... a man would have to severely avoid females to keep himself from befriending females. Do you give your partner authorization to speak to females who work in services, like the dentist, doctors, shops, or is he forbidden for interacting with any female?

 

 

I have reached the last straw. . . As I was combing out his beard the other night a long hair not matching mine came out. He said who it was & that him and his friend were sitting in the car with her. He says he knows what he does looks wrong but he is not cheating on me. Whoever else I find will though. I just don't know what to do. As long as this is going on I will not

 

 

You could start by visiting a professional therapist to work through your extreme levels of insecurity and the need you have to control your boyfrien/husband.

[salparadise]

He says he knows what he does looks wrong but he is not cheating on me. Whoever else I find will though. I just don't know what to do. As long as this is going on I will not be happy.

 

These extramarital "friends" are always kept around at the expense of the primary relationship. There doesn't have to be physical sex for it to be destructive. It's perfectly fine to say "no thank you" and look for a relationship with someone who doesn't have the need to maintain a fan club. I wouldn't stay with a woman who did that. Most people wouldn't. Just tell him that he's made his choice, and now you're making yours.

[sabaton]

These extramarital "friends" are always kept around at the expense of the primary relationship.

 

 

Yes, they are friends. Friends are members of the same sex or the opposite sex who you share common interests with, hobbies, that you enjoy being in the company of, and those are the people you have no sexual interest in, nor are you emotionally connected to them on a romantic level.

 

 

 

You can have friends and still be part of a romantic relationship and have a fulfilling relationship. It makes no sense for someone to suddenly lose all of their friends of the opposite sex just because they are in a relationship, doesn't matter if that relationship is heading for marriage or is marriage in itself.

 

 

My mother used to go to nightclubs after she got married on her own, with her female friends and with her group of friends. My dad was alright with it because he knows that she only had eyes for him, and because they have a strong relationship that is based on trust, love, sexual attraction towards each other - they weren't controlling each other and afraid of cheating.

 

 

 

 

There doesn't have to be physical sex for it to be destructive.

No, it doesn't have to be physical sex for it to be destructive. Because low self-esteem, low body image, and the paranoia that a woman's boyfriend or a man's girlfriend can be around men or women without having to cheat emotionally or sexually ends up destroying the relationship.

 

 

It's perfectly fine to say "no thank you" and look for a relationship with someone who doesn't have the need to maintain a fan club.

A fan club? Seriously? So me having 30 female friends from my college days, women that I have no interest in sleeping with nor do I have an emotional connection that is bordering on romantic is having a fan club?

 

 

 

Why? Should I on purpose seek only friendships with men? What if the men I befriend turn out to be gay and they're in the closet? or they're actually out of it?

 

 

Should I also have no male friends? Can I befriend dogs? Or dogs require too much attention and time and I have to give all of my time and emotional energy to my partner?

 

 

 

I wouldn't stay with a woman who did that. Most people wouldn't. Just tell him that he's made his choice, and now you're making yours.

 

 

Most people would. No one who is emotionally secure and stable is going to dump their female friends or their male friends because the person they're with is incapable of dealing with their own personal feelings of insecurity and inadequacy.

 

 

 

If I was dating a girl who said, '' it's either me or your female friends going,'' I'd show her the door and tell her goodspeed in finding a guy who is going to destroy a decade-worth of a lovely friendship with women who were there through thick and thin for me, because he might just have a female friend here or there who is prettier than her

[elaine567]

Gangs of friends both male and female is fine and the norm in younger people and in college students.

Once people start pairing up seriously, and work erodes leisure time, these friendships die a death as most do not want their partner spending oodles of precious time with members of the opposite sex.

Defending territory kicks in too, "She/he is mine, keep your hands off".

People spend years cultivating and investing in a relationship, they don't want some "friend" ruining it, and once parenthood starts then it is not seen as appropriate for parents to be hanging about with friends of the opposite sex.

 

It is just life.

[sabaton]

Gangs of friends both male and female is fine and the norm in younger people and in college students.

Once people start pairing up seriously, and work erodes leisure time, these friendships die a death

They don't have to. I work seriously and I'm still close friends with most of the girls I befriended 10 ago when I first entered what would become my college, and my father and my mother are still close friends with the members of the opposite sex that they grew up with, went to school with, or worked together with.

 

And when I am in a relationship, my girlfriends always know that this girl and that girl is a close friend of mine, that I've known them for a very long time, that I frequently spend time alone with them, that I go to the movies/beach with them, and my female friends boyfriends know of this, and are fine with it.

 

as most do not want their partner spending oodles of precious time with members of the opposite sex.

That makes no sense to me. It oozes of insecurity, low self-esteem and a lack of trust in the partner they're with. Someone who is assured his or hers relationship is strong and real is not going to worry about their partner being around other men or other women. Jesus, human beings aren't dogs that get in mating season as soon as they're around fertile women or rich men.

 

Defending territory kicks in too, "She/he is mine, keep your hands off".

People spend years cultivating and investing in a relationship,

Again, this is only due to a lack of self-confidence and feeling that his girlfreind/boyfriend is ''better'' than them and that they struck gold when they entered a relationship with that person. Feeling that one needs to keep his ''possession'' or cheating will occur only happens because they are not secure within themselves, about their looks, and the happiness and fulfillment they're providing their partner with.

 

they don't want some "friend" ruining it, and once parenthood starts then it is not seen as appropriate for parents to be hanging about with friends of the opposite sex.

A friend ruining what exactly? And what's with the friend with '' on it? Do you think every member of the opposite sex that befriends a woman does it because he wants to sleep with her and will do everything to sleep with her? if men are so incapable of controling themselves and their urges why woudl women even get in a romantic relationship with a woman?

 

And what if he's handsome and fit? Better keep him locked inside a basement? Can he work a job? What if there are women at his job?

 

Better make it that he only has male co-workers? But what if there are gay men there or there are straight men that want to try something new?

 

It is just life.

Nah. It's just awful relationships that are based on mistrust, insecurity, self-loathing and low self-esteem and body image.

 

I would and I will never dump my female friends because a girlfriend or a wife doesn't like that I might have a few friends who are more sexually attractive than them. If she feels like that, she can end the relationship and hire a personal psyschologist and work through her issues. Because girlfriends and wives come and go - but friends, real friends? They last a lifetime

[elaine567]

Nah. It's just awful relationships that are based on mistrust, insecurity, self-loathing and low self-esteem and body image.

 

 

No, it is just practical maintenance of boundaries.

Few men want to invest their money, their time and their energy, in a woman whose best friend is a heterosexual guy and similarly most women are not prepared to have babies with a guy whose best friend is a heterosexual woman. This is not about the day to day meeting of the opposite sex, this is about opposite sex best friends

It just doesn't work. Most like the OP will not put up with it.

[d0nnivain]

luckymax

 

Opposite sex friends are fine as long as they are friends of the relationship. If you suspect that an opposite sex friend would like to date your SO, it becomes a problem. Especially if the opposite sex friend was your SO's friend before you met your SO, that person is part of the package so you best find a way to make peace.

 

New opposite sex friends are more of a grey area. Again, it's fine if that person is supportive of your romance but a problem if you suspect the person wants a romance with your SO.

 

You don't seem to trust your SO. It also seems he has given you reason to be suspicious, especially if he is gaslighting you.

 

The friends themselves are not the problem. How your guy interacts with these so called friends & how he involves or doesn't involve you is why your relationship has so many problems.

[salparadise]

Yes, they are friends. Friends are members of the same sex or the opposite sex who you share common interests with, hobbies, that you enjoy being in the company of, and those are the people you have no sexual interest in, nor are you emotionally connected to them on a romantic level.

 

 

Wow Sabatron, you sure are passionate about this. Is it the first time you've ever heard of anyone having relationship problems due to a spouse or fiancé cultivating so-called opposite sex friends? Are you really trying to sell everyone here on the notion that fan clubs and orbiters are the norm, and that a spouse would only be concerned due to insecurity, unfounded mistrust, and body-image disorders? Do you really think opposite-sex friendships (when they actually are platonic) do not require different boundaries in order to maintain healthy primary relationships? The lady doth protest too much, methinks.

 

Sure, there are truly platonic opposite-sex friends, but when a man or woman in a relationship is significantly absorbed by said friend, when they are siphoning time and energy away from the primary relationship, when there is no common hobby or interest (other than clubs and alcohol), when such behavior requires a pattern of deception, selling of excuses, oaths of innocence, etc., when it cannot be carried on casually in the light of day... well, those are nothing more or less than secondary mating strategies.

 

I would argue as to on which side of this equation the insecurity and dysfunction actually lie.

[preraph]

There's plenty of guys who don't want female friends unless they are secretly attracted to them and just keeping them on the back burner. On the other hand, there are plenty of women who can be friends and only friends with guys they have no desire to sleep with at all -- the only potential problem there being that they guys may have other ideas.

 

I wouldn't want anyone to give up a true friend, if that's what they are, but if there's attraction on either side, it's not fair to keep them. IMO, the best way to handle things is they only get to see the friend when you're with them. And if they don't initiate this, I'd consider that a red flag. If they're a real friend, they'd want that friend to meet their girlfriend/bf. And if they don't do that, there's some reason they want to keep them separate.

 

My solution to all that is invite the person over for dinner at your place, domesticity setting. Tell her she can bring a date if she wants. See who is acting like a lovesick puppy at the table. Let her see you as a couple and as a person. What to do about the secret text messages? That's the hard part. If they really want to keep you and the friend, they should really be transparent, yet so few people will agree to that.

[snowboy91]

There's plenty of guys who don't want female friends unless they are secretly attracted to them and just keeping them on the back burner. On the other hand, there are plenty of women who can be friends and only friends with guys they have no desire to sleep with at all -- the only potential problem there being that they guys may have other ideas.

 

Same deal if you swap the words "guys" and "women" as appropriate in this statement. Some women don't have guy friends because they're either secretly attracted or fear that he is secretly attracted... and so forth.

 

I wouldn't want anyone to give up a true friend, if that's what they are, but if there's attraction on either side, it's not fair to keep them. IMO, the best way to handle things is they only get to see the friend when you're with them. And if they don't initiate this, I'd consider that a red flag. If they're a real friend, they'd want that friend to meet their girlfriend/bf. And if they don't do that, there's some reason they want to keep them separate.

 

My solution to all that is invite the person over for dinner at your place, domesticity setting. Tell her she can bring a date if she wants. See who is acting like a lovesick puppy at the table. Let her see you as a couple and as a person. What to do about the secret text messages? That's the hard part. If they really want to keep you and the friend, they should really be transparent, yet so few people will agree to that.

 

This is mostly the right idea, but I don't think it's necessary that the partner needs to be around every single time their SO and the opposite sex friend meet up. It just needs to be often enough to show that the nature of the friendship is purely platonic, and often enough to build some level of trust. Whether that "often enough" is most of the time or only once every 4-5 times they meet up is up to those in the relationship to decide.

[Malin889]

Normally having opposite sex friends is not or should not be a problem, but in this case, it is a problem. You don’t trust him, that’s the problem. He’s always going to have female friends, so either you deal with it or you don’t. And if his friendships are crossing inappropriate boundaries—like finding a hair in his beard which seems very suspicious—maybe it’s time to call it a day.