Husband is ashamed of me, resents me

[SassFraser]

Last year I got made redundant at my job I had for 6 years due to restructuring, I could apply elsewhere within the company but my mom was also terminal, so my husband encouraged me to take the redundancy package and be with my mom for what she had left, we figured maybe 2 months. So I left work the last day of the month, which was a Friday and the Monday my mother died on the operating table during the procedure. I never got to have that time with her sadly.

 

It's very difficult to find work where I live, the country is 30% unemployed. I went for two interviews and cried afterwards, I felt so dissected, I can't explain it.

 

We also are in the midst of immigrating, so now something has come up, we are due to leave in the next 3 months maximum.

 

My husband constantly throws it in my face that I'm not working, accuses me of doing nothing all day, we have two children. He ignores me all the time, I spend 85% of my time alone and this has been for years. He works a lot but sometimes, I don't think he has to, it's an escape from me, from any kind of responsibilities.

 

I always had a good figure, but after my second I gained a few kg, probably around 15, been difficult to shake off despite me exercising.

 

I've been begging him for family photos for years, last one we had together was when my son was 1, that was 4 years ago I have no family photos of us. I found out recently his work got tickets to a sporting event, he was going, I didn't think anything of it, I thought it was a work thing, then I heard there were some spouses there too, he never told me that spouses could also go. We went to a wedding recently and he said to me "we must get into shape", I know he meant me. I'm not a big eater at all, never have been but I ate a meal and decided to have a biscuit after and he checked me on it.

 

I find him to be very controlling, tells me how often I should exercise, where I should exercise. Every time I ask him to do small things, it's either a major delayed reaction or a simple NO. He is not affectionate, and wants to touch me when he's interested in sex. Everything I do to help with the immigration process leads to him complaining, nothing I do is good enough. I get called c_nt a lot too. I get told I'm a horrible person, I was told that I have a sh __ job and earn a ***** salary. So when I work I'm sh __ and when I don't I'm also sh __.

 

I'm 5 years older than him and I look a lot younger than I am, people think I'm around 10 years younger than my actual age. So quite honestly I don't look older than him at all. He's always said should get someone younger and I'm going to land up old and alone.

 

Once upon a time I was blessed with my first love, we were together 15 years from a young age, we were engaged to be married and he died 4 months before our wedding in an accident. I know what it's like to have someone love you, worship the ground you walk on, think the world of you. So I know what I'm missing.

 

I don't think my husband loves me, he's clearly ashamed of me. The only reason I'm here is because of my children. We are going to a country for 2 years and then our final destination after. So my thinking was to tell him he's free to see other people if he wants to, I don't even want to know about it. I will have to live like this because I'm financially dependent on him and then tell him we can divorce when we get to our final destination. We doing it for our kids so they have a brighter future, we can't stay where we are, so I'm willing to make that sacrifice for them.

 

I gave up everything I own, sold my house, used the proceeds, used my pension towards us leaving. I leave here with nothing, no job, no money, not even a teaspoon. He at least has a job. I will probably never ever own another home again, or even a car, I won't be able to afford to with what I can earn but it's ok, I just don't feel like being abused anymore and I don't want my kids growing up thinking it's ok to call a woman a c_nt. My son especially, I want to tell him how to love a woman one day, how to cherish her and appreciate her because he can't learn that from his father.

 

My husband is very unattentive, the best compliment I've had is you look nice. I'm not blowing my own horn and I'm not vain but people think I'm good looking. I feel unloved and unappreciated.

 

I'm not perfect either, I keep my distance and I'm shutting down emotionally and he blames me for everything, it's always my fault and he never says sorry either. He's a very difficult person to live with and thinks he's easy going. I have my moments, I can also lash out. How I am now, keeping in my own little corner is a result of what I receive regularly, I tried to explain to him and asked - how does one reciprocate NOTHING? What does he expect to receive in return after how he treats me.

 

I feel like a failure, I never imaged myself divorced, I want to keep our family together for my children, it breaks my heart to think I won't spend everyday with them.

 

I don't think he loves me, and he threatens divorce over every little thing, I don't play games like that so when I tell him I want a divorce, I mean it. I am as poor as a church mouse with no legacy for my kids from my side, but I tried. It breaks my heart, I don't want to hurt my children but I figured, I may not have a fancy home and will probably only be able to afford a pokey little place, I won't have a car but I will earn an honest living and I love them infinitely and they will always know it, that is the best I can do for them and we will have happy times together. I will try to be the best mom I can be.

[bathtub-row]

Your husband is abusive and if you can get away from him, you should. I’m not sure what country you’re in but it seems he would be obligated to provide for you financially since you have children together. However, with him moving to another country, that could get tricky. Perhaps there’s a form of welfare you can live on until you get another job.

 

One thing is, be careful about moving to another country with him. Abusers love to isolate their victims and they always ramp up the abuse the more isolated you become. That’s why he encouraged you to quit your job. It gave him the opportunity to put you down and make you feel hopeless about your situation.

 

I’m sorry this is happening to you but it doesn’t mean you can’t pick yourself back up and make your life better. Perhaps moving to a smaller town would be good. Sometimes the job opportunities are better with less competition.

[preraph]

When someone is embarrassed by another person, it's them that has low selfworth. A confident person doesn't feel that the person they're with reflects on them and doesn't depend on someone else to boost their own ego.

[snowcones]

I don't think my husband loves me, he's clearly ashamed of me. The only reason I'm here is because of my children. We are going to a country for 2 years and then our final destination after. So my thinking was to tell him he's free to see other people if he wants to, I don't even want to know about it. I will have to live like this because I'm financially dependent on him and then tell him we can divorce when we get to our final destination.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this, but I don't think you should tell him to see other people and especially not tell him that you plan to divorce him in a few years. The reason being that if you do this, you will probably end up divorced at his initiating before the few years is up and you are ready.

[bathtub-row]

I'm sorry you're going through this, but I don't think you should tell him to see other people and especially not tell him that you plan to divorce him in a few years. The reason being that if you do this, you will probably end up divorced at his initiating before the few years is up and you are ready.

 

Agreed. Plus, OP, those kinds of statements only inflame an already volatile situation. If you’re hoping it’ll cause him to act better toward you, it won’t. Abusers aren’t fixable and you’ll waste you time trying to make this marriage better. It will only worsen.

 

You probably keep thinking that if you were somehow better, prettier, smarter, richer - whatever - then he would love you more and all would be well. But it doesn’t work that way with abusive people. They get a high off of controlling others and they won’t give this up. Whether he’s with you or the latest Victoria’s Secret model, he will act the same. Once you wrap your head around that, you’ll realize that the only winning move for you and your kids is to leave him.

[sandylee1]

You've left yourself in a financially vulnerable situation. Is there any chance you can get a job in the place you're moving to?

 

If you want to divorce in the future...make those plans without alerting him. That includes working towards financial independence. If he died tomorrow with no life insurance what would you do?

 

Imagine that's the scenario and plan accordingly.

 

Try and join a slimming club too. People say they can't lose the weight. It's because you're consuming more calories than you're burning daily. It's simple science...but I know losing the weight is very difficult.

 

Don't stay in a marriage where he thinks abuse is okay. If you're offering him an open marriage...make it a 2 sided one.

 

Be aware he might get someone pregnant or fall in love and leave you.

[SassFraser]

Thank you all for your responses. I have accused him many times of being verbally abusive towards me, I can also let rip, but it's generally a reactive response, not an out of the blue. His ex left him for his best friend, in his eyes she was so awful but I see what I am going through and realise, don't blame the girl even if she was as awful as he says because who wouldn't go looking elsewhere?

 

I will take the advice of not telling him my intentions to divorce, he threatens me with divorce all the time. I am employable and I will get a job, but need a job offer first where we are going to convert to a work visa from the one I'm issued.

 

I woke up this morning with absolute faith I will be ok. I'm not too concerned over my weight, I know it will go I've always been a naturally slim person, but I've been through a lot the last 3 years, my mom getting sick and she passed away last year. I hardly have anyone left in the world but I know those that are gone are still with me, those that truly loved me. My late fiance worshipped the ground I walked on, never raised his voice to me, stayed madly in love with me for 15 years and told me I was the most amazing person he's ever met. He put me on such a pedestal, I was so humbled by the phone calls I got after he passed away of people I never met that knew so much about me because all he could do was sing praises about me. I carry this love and these beautiful things he said to me with me wherever I go because he knew my heart, he knew my soul, he really knew me. The man I'm married to has the opposite feelings toward me and thinks I'm a horrible person.

 

He can stay ashamed of me, if my late fiance thinks that of me and a friend I have of 23 years, a male friend, there's never been anything between us but he said to me once when he first saw me he thought I was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen, that is one heck of a compliment, I'm not vain and don't think the world of myself but I have a quiet confidence, I won't let my husband break me and ruin me. So I hold onto all these things and the love of others to see me through the next 2 to 3 years until I'm free.

 

I have nothing to my name now I gave it all to the immigration process and helping support our family, but I know I will survive this. I'm poor as a church mouse now so I'm not afraid to start over again, as long as I have a roof over my head, food to eat and my kids, life will be perfect!

 

As for him falling for someone else, I'm an unselfish person, I feel if he's so unhappy with me, he should find his happiness, he needs to be happy for our kids sake and I wouldn't be bothered if he did fall in love with someone and get them pregnant. I'm actually passed the stage of wanting to save this marriage.

 

I think about being with someone else all the time! If I was happy I wouldn't be thinking that way. I'm not the type of person that feels they need to be with someone, I just believe in the natural progression of life, if I meet someone, then I do and if I don't then that is ok because at least I had one person in my life that loved me more than life itself and I still carry that love with me, I will, to my dying day and beyond.

 

I don't deserve to be hurt all the time and to made to feel like I'm worthless and not good enough, those things are so untrue about me but it's killing my soul slowly and I'm retreating from the person I am, I'm becoming quiet in my pain. I want to thrive and be the best I can be for my kids, I can't living this way.

[brigit87]

Agreed. Plus, OP, those kinds of statements only inflame an already volatile situation. If you’re hoping it’ll cause him to act better toward you, it won’t. Abusers aren’t fixable and you’ll waste you time trying to make this marriage better. It will only worsen.

 

You probably keep thinking that if you were somehow better, prettier, smarter, richer - whatever - then he would love you more and all would be well. But it doesn’t work that way with abusive people. They get a high off of controlling others and they won’t give this up. Whether he’s with you or the latest Victoria’s Secret model, he will act the same. Once you wrap your head around that, you’ll realize that the only winning move for you and your kids is to leave him.

 

Great post!

[bathtub-row]

It’s good that you have the confidence to rebuild your life and I’m sure you will. However, you still seem to think that it’s you he’s not happy with. The guy will never be happy with anyone. It’s why his ex left him, it’s why you’re about to leave him, and it’s why anyone who is with him will be miserable. He destroys everyone he’s with. And you should also get out of this mindset that it has to do with your looks. If you were completely unappealing looking, it still wouldn’t justify him being abusive. If you were a goddess, he’d try to break your spirit. That’s what he does to anyone he’s in a relationship with.

 

Once he has you convinced that the abuse is about you, he’s on his way to breaking your spirit and causing you to blame yourself. Get out of that mode. Don’t argue with this idiot, don’t bother to point out what a monster he is. It doesn’t matter to him. What does matter to him is that he is able to continue to hook you into his drama and make you his victim. Just stay on coarse and don’t let him convince you for one second that you deserve to be treated the way he treats you.