Am I being selfish ?

[Piperloo]

Good morning everyone ! This is my first post - I’ve lurked around here for the past year when my SO and I had a falling out, but never posted. We made it through but I’m looking for some advice / support on what’s happening now. Not sure if last year is relevant or not but if anyone needs more information I’m happy to add it later.

 

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 1/2 years and live together as well. We are committed and have life plans including moving out of state together when he retires. We’ve talked about marriage but neither one of us is dying for that so there’s no pressure.

 

While I’m not always the easiest person in the world (who is? We all have our faults) it’s a well known fact that my BF can be very dramatic. He’s got an excellent command of language and a fantastic ability to twist something around so you think you were the one at fault. While our sarcastic senses of humor are one of the things that we both love and appreciate about each other, it can be very difficult to get him to have a serious heart to heart conversation as he begins deflecting with jokes or twisting the conversation.

 

I am currently on my fourth week of being on crutches due to a foot surgery and heÂ’s been absolutely wonderful as far as taking care of me. I’m very independent so it’s been difficult to ask and allow help, but I have acquiesced and allowed him. If I try to get something he tells me to sit down he’ll bring it over, etc.

 

These past weeks if there was something he wanted to do - go on the boat, meet up with a friend, etc- I’ve encouraged it as I don’t need a babysitter and he certainly should have time away not worrying about or waiting on me. So last week everything was FINE. Just perfect, he was loving, calling me pet names. No problems at all. He went out to the garage for the afternoon to mess around with some projects and came back in like a different person. Not nasty or anything, just mopey seeming. He told me he was tired, both of our sleep schedules have been off since my surgery, so I accepted that. It’s still going on. The normal pet names and hugs and all the silly little habits we have together have come to an abrupt halt. I’ve asked him about it and he says nothing is wrong.

 

As a quick aside, he was fired from his job over the summer. And for the past number of years it’s been a source of stress so I’m used to some mood swings. There are lawyers involved so this is a pretty big deal.

 

Anyway, so Saturday night I decided I wanted to do something truly special for him. He likes to cook and does all the cooking normally (I hate to cook) so I thought it would be a nice way to give back to him to make dinner. I spent the entire day making homemade lasagna. Noodles and sauce from scratch. Not as easy a feat as I originally thought being non weight bearing on crutches. When I texted him to tell him what time dinner would be he told me he had other plans. I figured he was joking as that’s how his humor is, but he had also recently started telling me I was barking orders at him and being demanding so I wasn’t really sure what was happening.

 

He did come in for dinner and when he cut the lasagna he cut a small piece for me as requested and a piece for himself that couldn’t have been more than two forkfuls. I confronted him on it and told him I got his point. His point that he was trying to make being that I only ever eat a small amount. This is true. I don’t eat a lot in a sitting, I’m more of a grazer, but I will eat what he makes. I’m also having some difficulty swallowing right now and have an endoscopy scheduled so I tend to eat really slow and softer foods. He adamantly denied trying to make a point and acted like he had no idea what I was talking about.

 

Well the whole thing blew up. I left the table, he didn’t speak to me for the rest of the night and slept on the couch. Yesterday morning he went straight out to the garage. Because I’m the person who gets ill when things aren’t right between us I went outside later in the morning to speak with him. He basically told me the small forkful started out as a joke but I blew it out of proportion and now he realizes how selfish I am. He told me that my eating small amounts and swallowing difficulties are excuses and he’s fed up.

 

As I said before he can be very prone to drama but I was seriously wondering if I AM being selfish. He’s basically still not speaking to me, very short and no touching. Ordered lunch and dinner for himself yesterday with no inclusion of me. I slept terribly last night and heard him in the shower at 4:30 am. When I asked him where he was going at this hour he told me a political rally. (This makes sense. It begins at 7:30 am and he needs to take a train into the city). I’m upset he didn’t tell me he was going prior to my asking but I don’t think he’s doing anything shady.

 

I guess what I’m looking for is, is it me ? I know there’s two sides and different interpretations, but I’m sitting here like WTF is happening ??

Edited October 29, 2018 by Piperloo

[d0nnivain]

No I don't think you are being selfish. I think between your health, his job loss & your off sleep patterns both of you were edgy & took it out on each other.

[Piperloo]

That is what it would seem like, yes I agree. But there’s something more. He doesn’t ever let things go so already this is a dead horse he’ll beat over and over. On text earlier he said that now that he doesn’t have to cook anymore he has tons of free time to do things he wants to do. When I apologized - again - and said I didn’t want us to be lit this he didn’t answer. When I finally spoke with him I made a joke about how I stayed inside today because the porch steps were slippery from the rain and I didn’t want him to have to spatula me up when he got home. His response was that he doesn’t have to do anything and I’m not his problem. The last thing he said before getting off the phone was that he wasn’t going to even tell me he was going to this political event this morning because he wanted something just for him. I’m not sure what he meant by that but I’m so saddened by the thought that he’d leave at 5 am and not even bother to wake me up or tell me what’s going on.

 

Also when he left this morning he said he wouldn’t be gone all day. It’s 5 pm and I’m still waiting...

[d0nnivain]

He sounds kind of petty. I am not sure I would stick around after my SO said that I'm not his problem anymore. You two really need to talk & then learn how to fight fair.

[basil67]

He's being obnoxious. This sarcastic sense of humour you're talking about, is he actually funny most of the time? Because so often, sarcasm is just downright mean.

 

You said you came here to lurk about a year ago when things went bad. How would you rate your overall satisfaction with this relationship since then?

[Lotsgoingon]

The other plans he announces when you call him to tell him the dinner time--how are YOU selfish?

 

So let this go ... I think he's playing you by calling you selfish, because he has figured out that doing so will freeze you ...

 

So he treats you like dirt, acts like a jerk at the dinner ... then calls you selfish ... and you're questioning yourself ... Don't question yourself. A complaint from a partner should be a lot more specific than "You are selfish."

 

Sounds like a mind-game he's playing ... any chance he's out there dating someone else and doesn't have the heart to break things off with you and thus is trying to blow things up?

[MidwestUSA]

You mentioned retirement. How old is your SO? While you can't rule out medical problems (early onset dementia, a brain tumor), it basically sounds like he's a dick.

 

Ask yourself if you want to live out the rest of your years like this. If you're self sufficient, think about getting out. He's making you physically ill.

 

You have my sympathy; best wishes to you.

[standtall]

He sounds very petty and vindictive. Most likely every perceived slight that he feels, will be revisited to you a hundred fold...it's the personality type. You have to ask yourself if you can live with it, because at his age, I can 100% guarantee he is not going to change.

[basil67]

Piperloo, you start off by saying that you’re not always easy to live with. Is this something you know about yourself or is it something he’s been putting in your head? Of course, it could be true that you’re high maintenance on occasion, but I’m wondering if he’s been gaslighting you.

[SJS]

What's going on in the garage? Does he have his phone with him?

[Mrs._December]

Is this guy medicated?

 

One day he's smiling as usual and after lunch, goes out to his garage to putter around, and comes back a few hours later a completely different person. Judgemental, accusatory, resentful, angry, nasty, verbally abusive, manipulative. He sounds disordered to have had such a complete about-face.

 

By the same token, I too would be very curious to know what he's really getting down to in that garage to cause this type of complete about-face.

 

A word to the wise - stop pandering to him. Why on earth would you REWARD him for such disrespectful behavior by going to him to make things 'all better' when he's such a childish asshat?

[Piperloo]

Thank you everyone for your replies and input. I've been having difficulty replying from my phone (especially with quotes) so it's taken me a bit to remember where I put my antiquated laptop. LOL

 

He's being obnoxious. This sarcastic sense of humour you're talking about, is he actually funny most of the time? Because so often, sarcasm is just downright mean.

 

You said you came here to lurk about a year ago when things went bad. How would you rate your overall satisfaction with this relationship since then?

 

Yes, I agree sarcasm can be mean. And as far as he goes he can be downright cutting if he wants to. But yes, he is really funny most of the time and that's one of the reasons we get a long so well.

 

Since last year when we got through our rough patch things have gotten back to being 100%. When those circumstances happened I felt as though the rug had been pulled out from under me...and that's pretty much how I'm feeling now. Over reactions just seem to come from nowhere.

[Piperloo]

Sounds like a mind-game he's playing ... any chance he's out there dating someone else and doesn't have the heart to break things off with you and thus is trying to blow things up?

 

No..well, of course I'm not completely naive to think that he COULDN'T be seeing someone else...I truly don't believe he is. While he does have a lot of time - between his job that was working shifts and now this current unemployed status - he has never given me any reason to doubt his truthfulness. He is always where he said he is/was.

 

Last year when we had our 'episode' his close friend asked him if he was getting scared because things were going so well between us and thus trying to blow up our relationship. He said no and stated that he was really happy.

[Piperloo]

You mentioned retirement. How old is your SO? While you can't rule out medical problems (early onset dementia, a brain tumor), it basically sounds like he's a dick.

 

Ask yourself if you want to live out the rest of your years like this. If you're self sufficient, think about getting out. He's making you physically ill.

 

You have my sympathy; best wishes to you.

 

Were both going to be 50 early next year. I had spoken to one of his childhood friends last year when we had a lot of **** happening, and this guy told me pretty much the same thing. And no, he has no hidden agenda. LOL The friend told me that my SO always needs some sort of drama going on and if there's nothing happening at the moment he'll create it, even to the point of starting it with me. As I said before, it's a well known fact that he's dramatic. Everyone who knows him has told me and I've seen it myself.

[Piperloo]

He sounds very petty and vindictive. Most likely every perceived slight that he feels, will be revisited to you a hundred fold...it's the personality type. You have to ask yourself if you can live with it, because at his age, I can 100% guarantee he is not going to change.

 

What personality type are you referring to ? I'm curious about your assessment as what you've written seems fairly accurate.

 

As an aside, I'm not expecting nor pressuring him to change. I've gotten to the point in my life of either accepting people for who they are or not having anything to do with them. You can't make anyone change. You can only change your own responses to their actions.

[Piperloo]

Piperloo, you start off by saying that you’re not always easy to live with. Is this something you know about yourself or is it something he’s been putting in your head? Of course, it could be true that you’re high maintenance on occasion, but I’m wondering if he’s been gaslighting you.

 

Oh, no. I didn't mean it to sound that way. I just meant that no one is perfect and even in the best of relationships (any kind) there could be something about the other person that drives you nuts.

 

As for me, I think I'm pretty easy to get a long with. No one has ever told me that I'm high maintenance. A great majority of things roll off me, I choose my battles and take on only the ones that will matter long term. I have the ability to step back and assess the situation and where things could be coming from if someone appears to be in a nasty mood. I'm not a nag. I give the other person in a romantic relationship all the space in the world. I think while it's important to be a couple, it's also important to have your own friends and interests that you may like to do solo sometimes.

[Piperloo]

What's going on in the garage? Does he have his phone with him?

 

Yes. He always has his phone on him. That's a non issue for me. This is a very small town and he's lived here all his life so he knows EVERYONE. He even knows a ton of people in outlying areas so he is always talking or texting someone. The garage is a non issue as well. It's a very large 5 bay three story building and he's working on trying to organize it and finish the inside walls on the ground floor. Trying to get some things done to eventually sell the house. I can see the garage from the house and go out there any time I want so nothing shady happening.

[standtall]

What personality type are you referring to ? I'm curious about your assessment as what you've written seems fairly accurate.

 

.

 

I am not a expert in human behavior nor a professional, so it's not a personality type that I've read or heard about...just a certain friend of mine. He is very similar to your husband as you've described. I have learned to just accept him and treat him like a little princess...you know, accept his minor considerate overtures and express the same to him. Woe to those that don't. Even if I don't treat him with kid gloves, he gets over it.

[Piperloo]

Is this guy medicated?

 

One day he's smiling as usual and after lunch, goes out to his garage to putter around, and comes back a few hours later a completely different person. Judgemental, accusatory, resentful, angry, nasty, verbally abusive, manipulative. He sounds disordered to have had such a complete about-face.

 

By the same token, I too would be very curious to know what he's really getting down to in that garage to cause this type of complete about-face.

 

A word to the wise - stop pandering to him. Why on earth would you REWARD him for such disrespectful behavior by going to him to make things 'all better' when he's such a childish asshat?

 

No. No medication. No drug or alcohol problem.

 

It's funny that you're using the word REWARD in that context. That's one of his phrases. I tried to hug him the morning after lasagna night and he told me he doesn't reward bad behavior.

 

Meanwhile I don't feel like I'm the one behaving badly. Spats are normal and healthy. I get over things really quickly. He has proven to me that he doesn't and prefers to beat dead horses and drag things out.

[anika99]

How often does this happen? He sounds a lot like an ex of mine. My ex would suddenly become furious at me out of nowhere and his reasons never made any sense. He could never say specifically what I did to make him angry, instead he played some game of giving vague reasons, changing the subject every 45 seconds, or just shutting me out and giving the silent treatment, sometimes for days and even weeks. It was very stressful.

 

He was also addicted to drama and would just look for a way to stir up trouble whenever he wanted attention or things were too calm. He would create an episode at least once a month and then keep it going for days. During an episode he would alternate between outright verbal abuse and silent treatment. Then after it passed he would be perfectly happy and content, meanwhile I would be completely beaten down and feeling like I needed therapy to cope with what he put me through. I should mention that he was also diagnosed with borderline personality disorder so in that sense this kind of behaviour is a personality problem.

 

Your boyfriend will never change and you say you're okay with that. If this kind of thing is a rare occurrence then I guess it's manageable, but if it happens on any sort of regular basis then you have to ask yourself if this is really how you want to spend the last thirty years or so of your life.

[Piperloo]

So things are still tense here. Monday he got home at about 7 pm from the political thing he was attending. We had texted back and forth a few times and he called me and things were level. He got home at that hour because he ran into a guy he knew on the train, drove him to the rental car place because his car broke down in the parking lot and then went to the guy's wife's deli to get lunch. After that he stopped by the marina to get some more things wrapped up on the boat as it was getting pulled from the water yesterday. I don't doubt any of this. As I mentioned before he knows everyone and ANYTIME we go out together we run into no less than 5 people he knows and have a long conversation with them. The marina is a big time bandit. Being on the dock near the water the time just disappears.

 

Yesterday morning we were able to talk a bit. I confronted him about me being selfish and not eating what he makes and he was unable to name one single thing that I didn't eat. He then made a big deal about how he never makes steak because I don't eat it. I've told him numerous times to make it for himself and I will eat everything else. Somehow he interpreted this to mean that I would eat yogurt. So there's a example of him deflecting. I explained that there is not one thing that he does that I don't notice or appreciate....and when I was attempting to go into detail he announced that I was not getting to the point and that he had things to do and went outside.

 

After a couple hours I went outside - he was cutting down trees to prepare an area for the winter boat storage - and sat near him a while and chatted. Again, everything was fine. Level. I told him that if he'd like company I'd love to go on the afternoon errands. He said 'sure.'

 

The errands consisted of going to the marine supply store, getting lunch and heading down to the marina so that he could pull certain parts of the boat apart prior to the hauler getting there. Again, everything was level, he even started joking a little.

 

When the hauler got there he set a camp chair on the dock for me to sit on (I'm still on crutches) with the intention that I would be out of the way until the boat was loaded on the trailer and he was able to come back and get me and all the stuff he took off.

 

At the point that he came back he realized that he had the two bimini tops behind me on the dock and when he went to walk around me in the chair his pant leg caught on the hose connection attached to the dock and turned on an open stream of water soaking his lower pant leg, shoe and my walking boot. I started to laugh it off but he instantly got furious at me saying that I don't even care enough about him to move the chair over. He threw the chair into the water saying if he was wet it was going to be wet too.

 

When we got up to the truck he discovered that the keys were locked inside. Again, these are all things that honestly just roll off me but he was furious. After that was rectified and I was in the truck he was having difficulty getting the bimini tops into the bed by himself. I heard him say things like 'useless' and I'm sure he was referring to me. I asked him a question a little while later and he told me not to touch him or talk to him.

 

On the way home I asked him what I was doing that was making him so angry. He told me I was slowing him down and again brought up how I didn't move the chair. It turned into a yelling match at that point (which is extremely rare for me) as I told him that he KNEW prior to me going in for this foot surgery that I would be unable to help pack up the boat. He did acknowledge that and stated that it's not my fault that he has friends that never help him. (This is true).

 

When I revisited the water/chair incident I told him that I ASSUMED that since he's the one who set up the chair for me I ASSUMED it was in a place that he wanted it to be. Out of his way, etc. He still wouldn't let that go, insisting that I try to sabotage him all the time.

 

I then asked WHY he wants to be with me if he constantly perceives me as attempting to sabotage him and if I'm as selfish as he states. He threw it back at me saying that I've been bringing this up for days and fine he's done then. Upon further questioning he admitted that this was the first time I've pointedly asked that, what I had been stating since the previous day was that I feel like this is affecting our relationship. A far cry from breaking up.

 

Last night he wound up staying in the garage, emptying the truck and when I came out about 10:30 pm he told me that he was almost done, would be inside in a couple minutes, but then again was short with me saying that I'm in the way, there's too much on the floor of the garage to maneuver around. I said that all I want is to be with him...he said that's fine but not right now when he's so busy and I'm in danger of falling. He finally came inside and slept on the couch. Again.

 

This morning he left to attend another political function. Same as Monday's but in a slightly different venue. I texted him when I got up and he did answer me. Beyond that we haven't spoken today.

[Piperloo]

How often does this happen? He sounds a lot like an ex of mine. My ex would suddenly become furious at me out of nowhere and his reasons never made any sense. He could never say specifically what I did to make him angry, instead he played some game of giving vague reasons, changing the subject every 45 seconds, or just shutting me out and giving the silent treatment, sometimes for days and even weeks. It was very stressful.

 

He was also addicted to drama and would just look for a way to stir up trouble whenever he wanted attention or things were too calm. He would create an episode at least once a month and then keep it going for days. During an episode he would alternate between outright verbal abuse and silent treatment. Then after it passed he would be perfectly happy and content, meanwhile I would be completely beaten down and feeling like I needed therapy to cope with what he put me through. I should mention that he was also diagnosed with borderline personality disorder so in that sense this kind of behaviour is a personality problem.

 

It doesn't seem to occur very often. I'd say in the 3 1/2 years we've been together there have only been three major incidents (including this one). He doesn't give me the silent treatment. My mother used to do that to me and we've talked about how abusive that is. I do allow him the space to calm down and have learned when he is receptive to talking. Many times after the dust has settled he will admit that he was being an *******. He also doesn't flip a switch and become happy overnight. It takes a bit of time for him to get back to acting toward me as he normally does.

 

I don't fear any kind of personality disorder. He was seeing a therapist last year due to some of the harassment surrounding his job. Our blow up happened during this time and I really believe that the therapist was a vital part in helping him through it. I would love to see him back in therapy (I would love to go back myself) but that was connected to his job program and he unfortunately doesn't have any health benefits now.

 

I previously dated someone who was a bipolar alcoholic and refused to believe his diagnoses or take meds. Or stop drinking. That was quite a ride and I have no desire to ever repeat that. With my SO things are completely different.