Dissapointing Posted October 29, 2018 Share Posted October 29, 2018 Well, I have perused these forums for a while but never posted, I do appreciate all of the people who are genuinely trying to help others. I will try to keep this short... A little back story, my wife and I have been married for over 10 years. We both grew up in the church and are still very involved. I have an adult son from my first marriage. That is about as detailed as I want to get. About 2 years ago I started becoming attracted to one of my wife's best friends. It didn't help that we were very much alike and got along incredibly well. I knew that it was only a problem if I let it become one and that as long as I kept my distance and set a good boundary, it wouldn't matter. Well about a year ago her and I started chatting over a messaging app, I knew it was wrong because of how I felt but thought it wouldn't be an issue since she didn't feel the same way. Long story short, she did feel the same way. Our friendship turned in to a year long EA (nothing physical ever happened but I am not foolish enough to think that it wouldn't at some point). About 5 months ago her husband ended up finding out that we were chatting daily but didn't know the extent of the conversation. The OW and I decided to go to our spouses and tell them what has been going on this whole time. Fortunately for us, our spouses were forgiving and all of us are in counseling now to navigate through this. I love my wife, I made it perfectly clear to the OW that I would never leave my wife, she made it clear that she would never leave her husband and that she loved him. We both were just going through really tough patches and turned to our friendship which spiraled out of control. My problem now is that we have agreed on 0 contact, which we have stuck to but I struggle with every day. I feel like this is 100% my fault and the OW has 0 blame in this. It's heartbreaking to think that someone who was my best friend will have nothing but regret when thinking about me for the rest of her life. I miss her entire family, she had children which my wife and I adored, I even miss her husband who I was friends with, worst of all I hate how much I miss the OW. I love my wife, and I cannot believe I did this to her. I know that if she would have left me I could never get over losing her. Why on earth do I still feel this way though? I miss the person I used to be, someone who my wife could be proud of as a husband. I just feel miles away from that guy. Sorry to ramble. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 29, 2018 Share Posted October 29, 2018 Welcome to LS....... What sort of counseling are you in? You can work your marital issues with a MC and task a IC to provide tools to cope and move on from this event on a personal level. I see the friend thing this way. You had some cool friends, likely had many positive experiences over the years, lots to be thankful for. Things changed, accept that, value the positive memories and move on, focusing on regaining marital health. Once you learn the tools of acceptance the parameters of no contact and moving on become a far easier path to walk. Takes time though. Link to post Share on other sites
NotADayGoesBy Posted October 29, 2018 Share Posted October 29, 2018 First, I am sorry for the pain you and everyone involved is going through. You have lost not only the friendship of the OW, but of her entire family too. That must be very difficult for all of you, and is a lot to deal with. I'm sure everyone is suffering the loss deeply, including the children. I think it's ok for you to let the OW shoulder her share of the blame. At any time she could have ended things, but didn't (same goes for you) so you are both culpable. You need to accept your blame/fault and do your very best to make amends for it, but trying to carry the weight of her wrongs will not help you or your BW any. I understand how you can very much love and have no intention of leaving your W and still feel this way about the OW. It's upsetting and confusing, and something I'm still working on trying to understand while trying to recover from my own EA. One of the things you have to try and do now is figure out what unmet needs the OW was fulfilling, and how can you now get that from your spouse. Kudos on the 5 months of NC--after a year long EA I can imagine how hard that must be. I wish I had some good advice, but I will leave that to others who are further down the road. Just know you aren't alone and the extent of your suffering is understood by many. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted October 29, 2018 Share Posted October 29, 2018 First of all, the other woman does not have zero blame in this. Far from it. She was your wife's best friend and she knew what she was doing. She could have opted to set a boundary, but she didn't. You and she are both responsible. Secondly, I would take a long look at your marriage. To be clear, this is not your wife's fault. But evidently, there is a significant disconnect between you and your wife. There was something you were seeking from this affair. What was it? Then you need really reflect on why you gave yourself permission to seek that outside the marriage. You have been given a real gift, in that your wife is trying to work with you to rebuild. She has had a double whammy, discovering that her husband and her best friend betrayed her. There is a lot of healing to be done. You need to be honest with yourself (and with her) about whether you are up to that and want this marriage to continue. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dissapointing Posted October 29, 2018 Author Share Posted October 29, 2018 Thank you for the supportive words. I 100% want to stay with my wife and thank God every day for her forgiveness. I have been honest with her about the relationship, I realize that any feelings of love for the OW were likely infatuation and not honest love. I have thought about seeing my own counselor as well as our MC. Honestly, my spouse and I just got to a place where we were roommates. I’m not dumb enough to think that there will always be butterflies or lovie dovie feelings. I was just foolish to look for some sense of desire from someone, or to feel important to somebody when I didn’t feel it from my spouse. This entire situation is so unfair to my spouse. She forgave the OW and wanted to maintain the friendship but NC meant NC with either one of us. NC was also implemented by the OW although I assume our MC would have reccomwndes the same thing. I still hear about the OW and her family from friends who have no clue any of this happened and usually get odd looks as they don’t understand why we aren’t all speaking now. It’s also hard to find someone to confide in since almost all of our friends are common friends. Never in a million years did I think I could do something like this. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted October 29, 2018 Share Posted October 29, 2018 It's very positive that you and your wife are in counselling, and I think your wife was right to cut contact with her friend. While your wife might have initially felt she could handle still being friends, she likely would have come to realize that is not very realistic in the long run. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dissapointing Posted October 29, 2018 Author Share Posted October 29, 2018 It's very positive that you and your wife are in counselling, and I think your wife was right to cut contact with her friend. While your wife might have initially felt she could handle still being friends, she likely would have come to realize that is not very realistic in the long run. I should clarify, my wife did not cut contact, the OW did. My wife believed she could stay friends and still believes that at one point she will be. I’m sure that this was best for everyone but it is pretty painful. Link to post Share on other sites
brigit87 Posted November 1, 2018 Share Posted November 1, 2018 Thank you for the supportive words. I 100% want to stay with my wife and thank God every day for her forgiveness. I have been honest with her about the relationship, I realize that any feelings of love for the OW were likely infatuation and not honest love. I have thought about seeing my own counselor as well as our MC. Honestly, my spouse and I just got to a place where we were roommates. I’m not dumb enough to think that there will always be butterflies or lovie dovie feelings. I was just foolish to look for some sense of desire from someone, or to feel important to somebody when I didn’t feel it from my spouse. This entire situation is so unfair to my spouse. She forgave the OW and wanted to maintain the friendship but NC meant NC with either one of us. NC was also implemented by the OW although I assume our MC would have reccomwndes the same thing. I still hear about the OW and her family from friends who have no clue any of this happened and usually get odd looks as they don’t understand why we aren’t all speaking now. It’s also hard to find someone to confide in since almost all of our friends are common friends. Never in a million years did I think I could do something like this. You have a very understanding wife. You cannot be friends with the OW. Ever. Feeling attraction for another person is normal. And when you took that friendship to the messaging app. you set yourself up for failure. That's why you always set boundaries and don't make exceptions. I watch "Marriage Today" with Jimmy and Karen and it's very good. Link to post Share on other sites
Missedmistress Posted December 18, 2018 Share Posted December 18, 2018 OP, I'm on the other side of your story. Had an A with my H's best friend, same story, same ending. 7mo NC, I initiated it in the end because he was too weak to let me go, hurting his W more and more. It was a trainwreck. I have days when I physically have to stop myself from reaching out to him but I know it's unfair to everyone, so I just take it 1 day at a time. Good luck! p.s. as other said, she is 50% culpable as you are. Takes two to tango. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted December 18, 2018 Share Posted December 18, 2018 (edited) The OW absolutely knew what she was doing, which is why she has decided to end contact not only with you, but also with your wife. The bottom line, if you are unable to maintain a healthy boundary, you can not have a relationship with this woman and her family. Certainly not if you plan to keep your own family together. I respect the fact that you told your wife what was happening, even if it was after you were "caught." I wish you well in your attempt to reconcile your marriage. Edited December 18, 2018 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted December 18, 2018 Share Posted December 18, 2018 But evidently, there is a significant disconnect between you and your wife. There was something you were seeking from this affair. What was it? Then you need really reflect on why you gave yourself permission to seek that outside the marriage. Dissapointing, based on your responses, feels like you glossed over the above. Unless you're some overly needy attention seeker, there was a vacuum this illicit relationship filled. Don't think about weakening the bond with you AP, think about making your marriage stronger. This would have to include being honest with your wife about needs you've hidden from her. Interesting that you seem to have shown your true self to this "friend" but not the woman you've been married to for 10 years... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
NotADayGoesBy Posted December 21, 2018 Share Posted December 21, 2018 How are you doing Disappointing? Link to post Share on other sites
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