First Marriage Counselling Appointment

[TheRainbow]

I had left work early to attend a marriage counselling appointment my husband set up. Originally it was supposed to be a one-time thing for the purpose to talk about us moving back together. It was his idea because he just wanted an unbias person's opinion on the matter.

 

Anyway, it was really a good thing. We had done marriage counselling but this time was different. I really sat there and listened to my husband's concerns. Before I used to be defensive but this time I listened. And we shared each other concerns. We'll continue with what we are doing, bi-weekly lunch dates, me continuing to attend my weekly counselling, SAA meetings. He had finally taken the plunge and got himself a therapist. He had his second session on Friday. I know how hard it was, but I'm glad he has someone to talk too.

 

But we agreed to set up marriage counselling once a month, because our schedules are hectic, and we want to set up something that is sustainable.

 

SO that is kind of where I am at. I'm leaving my notice not to renew my lease, and starting to move my stuff into his condo.

[carhill]

I found it hard to retain continuity with sessions spaced so widely apart. We took a couple of month-long breaks in our counseling and the process, to me, lost momentum. I imagine differing marital dynamics interface with counseling in different ways.

 

How long have you lived in separate domiciles?

[TheRainbow]

We were separated since July which was initiated by me. In September, it was mutual that we would attempt to work on our marriage, the right way.

[carhill]

IMO, your choice to reunite to work on the M is a healthy one. Our MC offered the opinion that people separate to get divorced and real work happens when the couple cohabits.

 

Sexual addiction is a tough disease to overcome since sex is at the core of our reproductive being. I wish H well with that process. Does he present any other addictive behaviors that are detrimental to the marriage?

[TheRainbow]

Sexual addiction is a tough disease to overcome since sex is at the core of our reproductive being. I wish H well with that process. Does he present any other addictive behaviors that are detrimental to the marriage?

 

I'm the one with the addictive personality. I am the one who cheated all throughout our relationship. I'm not sure if you read my thread. But I had an affair with my boss and got pregnant with his baby. He's not int he picture and my husband is raising her.

 

He has always wanted to reconcile but I was so riddled with self-guilt and not wanting to face myself that I thought running away would be easier. Now that I'm really looking at myself in the mirror, I'm letting him in where before I really didn't.

 

I don't really deserve another chance, but since he's giving it to me I am going to make the most of it.

Edited October 30, 2018 by TheRainbow

[Lotsgoingon]

I don't really deserve another chance, but since he's giving it to me I am going to make the most of it.

 

Uh ... don't go too fast or too far down this road. In a world where there are people starving to death and trapped in war zones, uh ... I don't technically "deserve" to be able to sit in my quiet room and write notes on a love-advice website.

 

The question is what you MAKE of this new chance! That's your goal. And I'll say something a little controversial ... too much guilt blocks growth and forward movement. Yes, we want people to feel guilty when they do horrible things.

 

But your goal is to move forward and create a good life for yourself, your partner and your children. Don't let guilt interfere with that.

 

It's like you can either feel guilty ... or you can make your life ahead as wonderful as possible. It's hard to do the two at once.

[TheRainbow]

The question is what you MAKE of this new chance! That's your goal. And I'll say something a little controversial ... too much guilt blocks growth and forward movement. Yes, we want people to feel guilty when they do horrible things.

.

 

If I had felt this much guilt the first time I had cheated, then I would have saved everyone so much heartache.

[DKT3]

Do you have any fear that your husband is attracted to the damaged parts of you? Once you become a healthy person who is living authentically he may actually lose interest.

 

I think you should explore this with your therapist and husband, after reading your story here there really seems to be a very dysfunctional dynamic at play here. Seems the worse you got the harder he tried and it's been your entire relationship.

[TheRainbow]

Do you have any fear that your husband is attracted to the damaged parts of you? Once you become a healthy person who is living authentically he may actually lose interest.

 

I think you should explore this with your therapist and husband, after reading your story here there really seems to be a very dysfunctional dynamic at play here. Seems the worse you got the harder he tried and it's been your entire relationship.

 

That has crossed my mind, but I'm learning to let go of the outcome. I got to want to change for myself. I don't want to live in dysfunction any longer, and I want to show my girls that despite the ****ty things I have done, people can change. Especially for my middle daughter who is the true victim in all this.

 

One thing we both agree on is that we both jumped into a relationship too quickly and for the wrong reasons. He was a month out of a long-term relationship, and I was living with a toxic ex, whom I did break up with before officially dating my husband. We both carried our own baggage, and what should have remained a rebound relationship turned into 14 years, almost eleven of those married of dysfunction. He to this day says during our relationship he had some of his best memories.

 

I think it'll take a good few years to know either way if our marriage will survive really. Because there were two years where we were okay, and there was no infidelity. It was during the time after my oldest was born and I finally got my grade twelve. THings were all right; then I started being a whore again.

[Lotsgoingon]

OP,

 

The problem with guilt ... is guilt is an after effect ... guilt doesn't stop us from hurting someone ... it comes in afterwards ...

 

Plus ... you sound like someone with overactive guilt ... and the problem is that overactive guilt produces overactive rebellion. You act out ... to escape the guilt.

 

That's why I'm telling you to calm the guilt. It's useless at this point. Now, understanding of why you were so miserable and why you thought blowing up your life was actually a better choice ...

 

Look 99 percent chance, you don't know how to be happy in the relationship with your husband ... 99.9999 percent chance. Guilt is not going to solve this.

[BettyDraper]

The OP may have a terrible track record but she is taking steps towards making permanent healthy changes.

 

The fact that she is posting here and going to counseling speaks volumes.

[TheRainbow]

Do you have any fear that your husband is attracted to the damaged parts of you? Once you become a healthy person who is living authentically, he may actually lose interest.

 

I think you should explore this with your therapist and husband, after reading your story here there really seems to be a very dysfunctional dynamic at play here. Seems the worse you got, the harder he tried and it's been your entire relationship.

 

I have been thinking about this question some more since I had last posted. I do believe once 'reality' sets in his perception will be more clear. I can't speak about what is in his head, but I can only base my opinion on other outcomes. I had done a lot of reading in the infidelity forum and in the other woman/man forum. While our situations are unique in their own way, they all share similarities. My mindset isn't much different than other women and how other women's betrayed husband or boyfriend is reacting in some cases, maybe to varying degrees aren't necessarily different.

 

I think when I think objectively about it, in my husband case I think it's a mixture of both. On the one hand, he jumped from a long-term relationship in a relationship with me. His ex despite a few attempts, in the beginning, had reached out to him during our "short" one week break up after my first cheating came to light wanting to know if he wanted to give it another go. (I didn't know this until recently. He didn't want me to know, but it came out in conversation) but he had said no and told me he told her that he wasn't sure if our relationship at that time was over.

 

I really think about that. He moved on so quickly from a long-term relationship, and when we were on a "break" she approached him and wanted another go, he turned her down. I was a downgrade if one were to look at the big picture. She's educated, pretty (I had looked her up on social media), and seems to had it together. Where I was a high school drop out with no job prospects. I think it might be our personalities, because obviously at that point, my husband and I weren't married, and had no children, so those complications weren't there. Of course, I was damaged, but I believe there had to be something there for him to reject a second chance to an otherwise healthy, stable relationship to give a second chance to a cheater.

 

Which brings me back to the original question of do you have any fear that your husband is attracted to the damaged parts of you? I think he is attracted to being the saviour in our relationship. I also think he is attracted to some part of me as a whole. He has told me as such as my personality keeps him on his toes, and even fourteen years later, he feels excited and that he has had some of his funniest, bravest memories.

 

So, in a nutshell, I have accepted every possibility. He may lose interest in me either way. He may realize in time, when he isn't focused on trying to save me that there are women out there who haven't' cheated who can provide him with the same excitement, that bare the same personality as me. I'm a realist and know that I'm not the only high spirited, bold, and brave woman out there. A lot that hasn't cheated as well. I know he could find someone new easily. He is financially stable, attractive, and great in bed. Add in that he is kind, compassionate and respects women. What isn't there to love.

 

I have accepted that in the end, I could lose him, or my marriage could turn into a healthy one. Either way, I want to be a better person, be a healthy emotional person for myself regardless of the outcome. But it's no secret that I don't want my marriage to work. I'm 100% committed to being the wife he never had, and I"ll keep proving to him I'm worthy of this chance he is giving me. But I've accepted in the end I'll be okay either way, and I can be a better mother to my girls, or a better partner to someone else if that is what is stored in the future.

Edited November 1, 2018 by TheRainbow