Am I only looking at reasons to leave?

[pfla03]

I am a MM in my mid 40s in my 2nd marriage(15yrs). We have one 14 yr old son and I have two daughters from a previous marriage that are older and on their own. Overall, we have many things in common and get along for the most part. To outsiders I am sure we have the perfect relationship.

 

However, ours has been a rough road, especially in the first few years when my wife could not deal with the games my ex was playing. Unfortunately, she took this anger out on my girls and that hurt our relationship and still does to this day. This issue #1. Their relationship is very strained because my wife cannot let go of some deep rooted resentments that have nothing to do with anything the girls did themselves. Now that my girls are out on their own, my feeling is that they are free of my ex and I want them to become a much bigger part of my life, and they do too. My wife on the other hand feels like they no longer should be so attached to me any more. She tolerates them, but that is about it.

 

Now for issue #2. Our sex life had been terrific until a couple of years after my son was born (way too long ago!)... after that it dwindled down to almost nothing. In the last few years it is a chore for her. If i do not initiate, we go months without. When we do it is sometimes very mundane...I have caught her yawning even. I have tried to talk about it but then I am made to feel like I am grovelling for it... and when I feel that way i really don't want it. I feel like it is a significant part of a healthy relationship and she feels that we are past that stage of our lives. We are both in good shape and I believe pretty attractive.

 

In the last 6 yrs I have become very active online and have met many people. Before I started this post I came to the realization that I have been with 9 different women in the last 6 yrs! I am not proud of it. It just happens. All have been fairly breaf encounters and all have involved sex. Some where more satisfying that others, but only in a physical sense. Until now.

 

About 8 mos. ago I met a MW. She is 10 yrs younger than me and a succesfull career woman. She has no kids and is in her 2nd marriage as well. She says that she is in a "go nowhere" marriage and she has been separated once already, though currently still with her husband. Problem is, this has not been the brief relationship I had with any of the other women. We have seen each other as often as we have been able to (we live 2+ hrs apart). We don't always make love. Sometimes we talk...a lot. We where on 4 dates before we actually became intimate. I have fallen completely head-over-heels in love with her. Worse... this apparently is the first time in my life that I have. I thought I had before, but this feels completely different.... worlds apart from what I thought was love before. Somehow, I have connected with her at a core level that I never have with anyone before and I can't explain nor understand it. She is not a barbie doll though at least as attractive as my wife, and in nice shape as well. I have tried to eliminate in my head all of the "man things" that color our decisions. And I come up empty... it si her that I am in love with, not the way she looks, or the way she makes love to me. I didn't know that this can happen. It astounds me that at this point in my life I am still able to completely lose myself in someone else like this.

 

And of course this brings me to the big decision. My wife all thru this has not a clue of what is happening inside me even though I have been walking around in a daze... completely detached, going thru the motions of every day life. This is how completely disconnected we are emotionally. I know I need to end my marriage. Don't I? And I don't mean it from the stand point of ending up with this woman I love... i have no way of controling what happens on her end... nor can I know that I will be with her. But from the standpoint of living in this pretend world, this charade of a marriage. Yes I am almost half a century old, but there is a lot of life to live. I don't want to hurt her, but I am hurting her now...she just does not know it. I love her, but i am not in love with her. Now that I know what trully being in love feels like, I am horrified to say that I have never been in love with her.

 

Am I missing something here? Is there any reason to reconsider? Do i come clean and let the pieces fall where they may? Or do I try to make an exit with the least amount of hurt? I want to stay very active in my son's life, and I will want to make sure neither of them face financial hardship. What else have I not considered? Please help!

[Ladyjane14]

You titled your thread, "Am I only looking for reasons to leave?" I think you already know the answer to that.

 

I'm curious to know if you cheated on your first wife with your second wife. (????) If so, that might go a long way to explaining your attitude towards your current W, as well as her attitude toward your first wife and daughters.

 

Anyway, not only does it seem that you are looking for "reasons to leave", it would seem that you are looking for reasons-you-can-blame-someone-else-and-evade-personal-responsibility-in-the-decision.

 

It's no wonder that your current marriage is lacking in true intimacy when your attention is diverted enough so that you can cheat with "9 different women in the last 6 years". Your wife might not have the actual facts on that, but believe me....she feels that you aren't really there in the relationship. That's not even necessarily women's intuition. Anyone would a gap in intimacy of that magnitude.

 

I'm assuming that you are meeting these women online in either dating or porn site. Developing an online relationship that concludes with sexual contact takes time. And that is time OUT of your primary relationship.

 

As far as your relationship with your daughters is concerned. Blaming it on her....no matter how vociferous she might have been....is also an evasion of personal responsibility. Those are YOUR daughters. You should never have allowed ANYONE to interfere in your parenting relationship with them.

 

In order to fix it, you'll need to explain that to your daughters as a mistake that YOU made, one that YOU are sorry for, and one that YOU intend to improve. Of course, you'll have to follow through on that. There is still parenting to be done, even after a child is grown.

 

I love her, but i am not in love with her.

 

That's straight from the Cheater's Handbook.

 

At 50, you should already know the difference between Infatuation and Love. But apparently you don't.....

 

Love is what you have left AFTER infatuation has faded. And it ALWAYS does fade. That's not to say that you won't find it with your new OW. If you're are capable of loving someone other than yourself....maybe you will. But don't expect the giddy, "in love", feelings to last. The shelf life on that is around 2 years.

 

I think you're absolutely right to end the marriage. Perhaps it's not too late for your current wife to find some happiness for herself.

 

I would recommend that your settlement with her be EXTREMELY generous.

 

You have committed adultery, AND you have exposed her to potentially lethat STD's. You should make her aware of that so that she can get tested. But if you're too chicknsh*t to tell her the truth....at least get tested yourself so that you can let her know if you've caught anything.

 

You're going to find that the remainder of your life is soooooo much happier, if you adopt a policy of personal responsibility. Your relationships with others will improve. And, unless something extraordinary happens to you......you'll never spend another day viewing yourself as a hapless victim of circumstance.

[pfla03]

Lady Jane thanks... this is in fact what I needed to hear and pretty much expected to hear. Now how to properly proceed for the least hurt to all concerned.

 

And yes... I did cheat on my 1st wife only with one person..the woman I am married to now. Bad idea. Really bad idea.

[Ladyjane14]

And yes... I did cheat on my 1st wife only with one person..the woman I am married to now. Bad idea. Really bad idea.

 

You do see that you're doing it again, don't you? How is the current infatuation with MOW that much different than your former infatuation with 2nd W?

 

Now how to properly proceed for the least hurt to all concerned.

 

My best suggestion to you is to see an attorney. Find out what your legal obligations will be. Then, be more than fair regarding the settlement process.

 

Your STBX is going to go nuts questing for answers. You'll need to make a decision on whether to tell her the truth about your affairs.

 

On the one hand, it seems needlessly hurtful to share all the details with her if you have NO INTENTION of repairing the relationship. Also, knowlege of your infidelity will no doubt make her angry and vengeful. It could interfere with the future of your relationship with your son.

 

On the other hand, giving her the facts could help her separate herself emotionally from you. She'd hate you, most likely....but she'd probably be ALOT more willing to 'let you go' and wish you good riddance.

 

It's your decision to make. If you elect to keep your indescretions to yourself.....at least get tested for STD's. It lacks ALL honor to do otherwise.

 

And give some thought to breaking your pattern of behavior. Dump the MOW. The last thing you EVER want to do....is to re-create the mess you're in now. You've got problems enough of your own. Why add someone else's issues to your already, rather full plate?

 

Your relationship with her is based on Infatuation (and lies too ). If it's meant to survive and blossom into real love, that will happen AFTER you've each independantly resolved your own issues. Otherwise, you're back in the same sticky situation that you're in right now....never truly respecting one another, or yourselves for that matter. NO CONTACT is best....until you are EACH free to make good decisions.

 

You've really f*cked some things up. But it is absolutely NEVER too late to reinvest your Integrity.

 

You're very likely feeling like a 200# sack of sh*t right about now....but you can change that at will. By making decisions that prioritize your loved ones on the same level that your prioritize your own needs and wants, you can find satisfaction.

 

Sometimes those decisions are difficult, like the decision to end a marriage. But if you TRULY do not love your W, if you can't give her the companion and lover that she deserves....then it's still a good decision. It allows her the freedom to seek all that for herself.

 

You're best bet is probably to put your own life back together before you involve yourself with other women. Resolve your marriage. Repair your relationship with your children. Live on your own for awhile, renew yourself, and repair the rents in your tattered integrity.

 

When 'the man in the mirror' smiles back at you, with pride in his eyes...then you'll know you're ready for a new and meaningful relationship.

[pfla03]

I read your reply several times. So very well written and so on-target. Yes I do feel like the 200lb. bag of sh*t you referred to. I just want to do the right thing. BTW, I have been tested and thank God I am healthy. That would pretty much end it for me right there. I need to stop crying long enough to do this right. Incredibly (or not so) my wife has no clue that I am going out of my mind during the last 2 weeks. Your attorney advice might be good, though I wonder if a psychiatrist might not be the better first checkpoint. A lot to decide, and a lot will be decided for me I suspect.

[Ladyjane14]

....I wonder if a psychiatrist might not be the better first checkpoint.

 

Therapy could probably help you alot. Particularly if you feel that you're ready to work through the issues.

 

I have to wonder if you were ever able to resolve any regrets you might have had after your first marriage dissolved. (????)

 

You don't have to read very far in the OM/OW forum to see that there is alot of pressure on a MM to leave his W and validate the affair relationship. Often, he is not given sufficient time to grieve his loss in the first relationship, because of the pressure exerted by the OW.

 

I can see where that might have a host of ill effects on the new marriage. Once the Infatuation stage of the affair is over, and life becomes routine and mundane again....you could be left dealing with guilt, blame, and mutual loss of respect.

 

If any of that supposition is descriptive of you.....then yeah, I think you could benefit quite a bit by working it all out in therapy.

[dresden]

LadyJ has given you some very honest advice. However, I would add that you at least owe it to your current spouse and your son to try marriage counseling with her. Sometimes, my dear, it can't be all about you and your selfish desires. If you think your son will be unaffected and still love you, think again. Your relationship with your daughters was messed up because of your behavior and you are heading down the same path again. And your daughters are not going to think well of you either.

 

You're an adult. Be responsible for a change and act like one.

[Jerkalert]

Why are people so quick to "end it." You made a vow with your wife at the Altar. Remember? Get some help. You have to go to a professional to get help. When people get sick, they go to the doctors. When a couple is having problems that you are unable to find a remedy, then you go and get counseling. You talk about how you have a life to live and all. You haven't even considered how all the other people will be affected. You want to just cop out and the going gets tough. It is this selfish attitude that relationships don't work. You act as if you are the one who is struggling with your feelings. Just think of the impact that your leaving would make on the family. Be a MAN.