Am I wrong to want to renegotiate the rent I'm paying my MIL after City inspection?

[preraph]

She is working and I highly doubt she's paying much in taxes because I bet she doesn't report all the income in that business. I know I have a hard time finding a housekeeper who will take anything except cold cash. If she shows a low income, that means she probably qualifies for food stamps too, or some other help (which I believe is worth about 160 a month depending where you are). And besides that, she could rent that garage out to someone who maybe just wanted someplace to store a car they were working on or something. Sounds like he's not her only child, so what if they all chipped in $50 a month. If her home is paid for, she should be sitting pretty. If she's still paying mortgage, then yes, she is probably having trouble making ends meet. I'm 66 and working two jobs most of my life. Can she pick up a second job? If she's fit enough to clean houses, she could do something even easier than that to make up that money. She could babysit or anything and clear $250 a month extra. I just think she doesn't have a man of the house and wants your man to be it.

 

He's being ridiculous about his logic on he'd only drink it up -- what about you as a unit? If he doesn't consider you a unit, maybe you ought to consider opting out.

[jennyjen]

She is working and I highly doubt she's paying much in taxes because I bet she doesn't report all the income in that business. I know I have a hard time finding a housekeeper who will take anything except cold cash. If she shows a low income, that means she probably qualifies for food stamps too, or some other help (which I believe is worth about 160 a month depending where you are). And besides that, she could rent that garage out to someone who maybe just wanted someplace to store a car they were working on or something. Sounds like he's not her only child, so what if they all chipped in $50 a month. If her home is paid for, she should be sitting pretty. If she's still paying mortgage, then yes, she is probably having trouble making ends meet. I'm 66 and working two jobs most of my life. Can she pick up a second job? If she's fit enough to clean houses, she could do something even easier than that to make up that money. She could babysit or anything and clear $250 a month extra. I just think she doesn't have a man of the house and wants your man to be it.

 

He's being ridiculous about his logic on he'd only drink it up -- what about you as a unit? If he doesn't consider you a unit, maybe you ought to consider opting out.

 

Yes, you are absolutely correct. She gets most of her payments at work in cash precisely for that reason. When she gets more in checks than she desires, she has her son cash them out for her at his bank (named to cash). She’s still paying her mortgage, has about 10 years left (she’s in her mid 50s). They would never ask the daughter to help because she just started college. Funny that you talk about her wanting my husband to be her man because that’s exactly what I’ve thought. She brags that she doesn’t need a man because she has her own house, but maybe she does. Lol. Her ex still pays her phone bill, so she doesn’t even have that to pay.

[MidwestUSA]

Yeah, we played it so well that we made the garage look like storage. We had to move the beds and we went to my mom's for a day. They didn't say anything about the garage, only about the restroom which was hard to hide, lol.

 

 

Curiosity has the best of me. What was this makeshift restroom like? I'm picturing my grandparents' outhouse, sorry.

[jennyjen]

Curiosity has the best of me. What was this makeshift restroom like? I'm picturing my grandparents' outhouse, sorry.

 

Hard to describe. It’s outside, a few feet away from the garage, encased in its own walls as an attachment to the main house and attached to the laundry room. That’s the illegal part. It also has a shower, cabinet, etc., like a regular restroom, but smaller, of course.

[CC12]

At worse, he tells me to back off, that it's his money, that he'll never ask me to help them. What can I say to that?

 

Well, you're married. The money should belong to both of you. Why do you two keep your finances separated like that?

 

His reasoning is that if the money stays with him, he will spend it stupidly on beer or something else, so he'd rather give it when they ask because they need it.

 

He could...just not spend it stupidly. He could save it or use that money to improve his and your lives. Maybe setting a goal would help.

 

And him, he's willing to move out when he feels the family will be okay, but no one really clarifies when or how that would be.

 

You need to have him give you an answer to this. It is really a lot to ask you to live in his mother's illegal garage apartment with no bathroom. It's terribly unfair. You two need to live your own lives, be upstanding adults who live in a proper, legal home. You need to work as a team, be on the same page, and make your marriage and your own lives as a priority. You need to have boundaries and not be taken advantage of by two other adults - one of whom does not work, and the other who spends money foolishly and breaks the law on the regular.

 

It would be one thing if his mom was very frugal, made good financial decisions, and if sister was working her way through college and contributing to the household but they still needed a little extra help. That's not the case. They are living beyond their means, and your husband is enabling it. This will go on forever if your husband doesn't make some changes.

 

Would your husband be willing to pool his money together with yours, and allow you to make more of the financial decisions? Make a budget, and set a hard limit on exactly how much he contributes to his mother? You may find that he would be perfectly happy letting you take over the financial responsibilities. And he may be perfectly happy allowing you to be the bad guy who says, "Sorry mom, we can't give you any more money this month." Would you be willing to be the bad guy and have his mom and sister think you're a terrible, controlling bitch, perhaps? That dynamic wouldn't be ideal, of course, but I think I'd be okay with them hating me if it meant that my husband and I could live our own lives. Just some ideas.

[CC12]

By the way, how old are you and your husband?

[Mrs._December]

My mind is still reeling about what kind of 'man' moves his wife into his mother's garage and just expects her to live there indefinitely. Who DOES that?

 

There's being 'low maintenance' as you claim to be, and then there's just rolling over and accepting the unacceptable, OP.

 

Did his selfish mother ever consider selling her house that she CAN'T afford and downsizing to a condo or townhouse that might be more economical for her? I guess she doesn't have to when she's got her foolish son to take advantage of. Seems he's only too happy to be her floor mat and hand all his money over to her.

 

Ugh.

 

You need to raise your expectations when it comes to the men you love, OP. Seriously.

[jennyjen]

By the way, how old are you and your husband?

 

He's soon to turn 34 and in a few months, I'm turning 35.

[jennyjen]

My mind is still reeling about what kind of 'man' moves his wife into his mother's garage and just expects her to live there indefinitely. Who DOES that?

 

There's being 'low maintenance' as you claim to be, and then there's just rolling over and accepting the unacceptable, OP.

 

Did his selfish mother ever consider selling her house that she CAN'T afford and downsizing to a condo or townhouse that might be more economical for her? I guess she doesn't have to when she's got her foolish son to take advantage of. Seems he's only too happy to be her floor mat and hand all his money over to her.

 

Ugh.

 

You need to raise your expectations when it comes to the men you love, OP. Seriously.

 

Sigh. SO I finally talked to her last night. She said she would think about it and talk to her son. He didn't tell me she talked to him, but as he was into a few beers he told me he's in his mother's will and he's getting the house, with the condition that he gives half to his sister, as well as his mother's life insurance with the same condition. He said his mother asked him if he still wants to be in the will, and he doesn't know what could have sparked that. A few more beers later, he told me she told him what I asked, and that she felt bad that I'm not happy here. That she will remodel the garage and turn it into a back house for us, but that if we don't want to stay, it's still a good idea so she can rent it out. That was easy.

 

Now... I wonder why he never told me about that inheritance, if it's even true. I guess men's worst fear is that women want them for their money or the house. You know the stereotypes! But it's hard to believe because in other stories he has told me that this house is not even under her name. That she and her brother have their houses traded to protect themselves from divorces. Probably why the house is not under my husband's name.

[jennyjen]

Well, you're married. The money should belong to both of you. Why do you two keep your finances separated like that? <SNIP>

 

After the talk I finally had with his mom, he is telling me that she wants to remodel the back and turn it into a little house for us, with living room and kitchen. But that if we still want to leave, it's still a good idea so that she can rent it out and not miss that money. Last night he was way nicer. He agreed that he doesn't want to live in a garage forever, but that rents are sooo expensive. But that we will do it. Or if I like the house they build in the back we can stay here. Or leave. It's up to me, he said. He also told me something he had never told me before. That in his mother's will, he keeps the house, with the condition that he gives half to his sister. And he's also a beneficiary in his mother's life insurance, which he claims is over 100K now (he says he helped her pay in the beginning, now she only pays $5 a month for it). He never told me any of this. I guess one of men's fears is that we are only after them for their money. I hope I passed the test that I loved him in poverty as well, lol. But it's odd because another story he told me months ago is that this house isn't even under his mother's name, it's under her brother's, as they switch houses to prevent divorce battles in the future. Which is WEIRD yet AGAIN because before he had told me that her ex husband fought to take this house, which wouldn't make sense if it's not under her name. I don't know what to believe! I guess I don't care too much about who owns what. I think I already proved I'm not the type they fear as when I left my ex husband I took nothing, asked for nothing but solitude, even though his name was also on his mother's house.

Edited November 2, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[preraph]

Yes, you are absolutely correct. She gets most of her payments at work in cash precisely for that reason. When she gets more in checks than she desires, she has her son cash them out for her at his bank (named to cash). She’s still paying her mortgage, has about 10 years left (she’s in her mid 50s). They would never ask the daughter to help because she just started college. Funny that you talk about her wanting my husband to be her man because that’s exactly what I’ve thought. She brags that she doesn’t need a man because she has her own house, but maybe she does. Lol. Her ex still pays her phone bill, so she doesn’t even have that to pay.

 

So she has her son laundering money for her. Better hope he never gets audited or they'll get him for unreported income.

[CC12]

I guess I don't care too much about who owns what. I think I already proved I'm not the type they fear as when I left my ex husband I took nothing, asked for nothing but solitude, even though his name was also on his mother's house.

 

You've said a couple of times that you're not after his money, and that you hope you've proved that. And I'm sure you don't care about his money, but the thing is, it's not a lot of money. It sounds like a lot, but let's break it down:

 

He's expecting a life insurance payout to be around $100,000, of which he'll get half. He also is meant to split the house with his sister. Any idea of the value of the house? Let's just say it's worth 400,000 for the sake of this argument. That's 200,000 for him, plus his half of the life insurance, $50,000. So $250,000 in total, once she passes. The median income of a household in California in 2015 is $64,500, according to google.

 

This means that if he actually got $250,000 in cash once she passes, you two will be able to live modestly for about 4 years. FOUR YEARS. That's it. It's not much money.

 

Also think about how your husband spends money and what he'll do if $250,000 is dropped in his lap. He's going to go ape**** and buy cars, jetskis, pinball machines, I don't know. Maybe he'll give it away, or spend it on "fun" for the two of you. It's going to be gone in a flash if he treats money the way he currently treats it.

 

And - I don't mean to be disrespectful - your MIL may be a nice lady, but she is shady as **** as far as finances go. Putting the house she lives in under her brother's name to avoid divorce settlements (or something,) having her son cash checks for her, not reporting income on her business or paying taxes on it, having an illegal rental that she also doesn't report income on or have proper permits for, gambling, making purchases beyond her means, and manipulating her son and his wife into contributing financially and then holding this small inheritance over his head. Don't know what I mean on that last point? See this:

 

He said his mother asked him if he still wants to be in the will, and he doesn't know what could have sparked that.

 

I don't know what exactly sparked that, but one could read that as a clear threat to remove him from her will, if he didn't do what she wanted him to. I'm not sure why else you would bring up someone's inheritance when you're having a discussion with them.

 

And this isn't even taking into account all of his mother's other debts and financial ****ery that you two don't know about. And it's not taking into account how much his sister would fight for a bigger share of the inheritance. She complained about how much her daddy spent on a car for her? She'll absolutely complain and fight about how much money Mommy meant to leave to her. It's going to be a nightmare.

 

So, if mom has manipulated him into believing that he's going to get some sort of payout when she dies (she's only in her 50s, so it could even be 20-30 years from now) as long as he keeps "investing" in the house and contributing to the upkeep, then your poor husband is always going lose. And it's not going to be paid back.

 

You and your husband need to completely separate your finances from theirs.

[Art_Critic]

Lot's of talk about inheritance and insurance money after she passes away.. seems a bit greedy and materialistic to me, a person is more than their belongings...

 

She is in her 50's and the amounts of life insurance and inheritance are all being figured on like she is going to die tomorrow...

 

I sure hope nobody looks at me for my money the way his Mom is being looked at for hers...

 

You all, both YOU and YOUR HUSBAND need to move out on YOUR OWN and make your OWN money and not worry about how much you are going to get when his Mom dies...

 

Time to grow up....

Edited November 6, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator