pain and love and trying to sort it all out..

[Ja05]

I was with my GF.. my first GF.. my only GF.. from the time i was 17 till 24... a long time.. it was on and off a few times.. but regardless.. this is the only girl i have ever kissed, or done anything along those lines with.

 

then we drifted apart.. for various reasons.. nobody cheated on anybody or anything like that.. just.. lots of things..

 

well we were apart for about.. 5 months.. i guess.. I knew she was seeing someone else... she told me straight up.. and at first.. it didnt really bother me.. i believe it was probably over for us, that we had our time and really if she was happy with someone else.. well.. it actually made me happy, I still loved her alot and as long as she was happy.. i couldent really make myself have anything against her. because thats all i ever wanted, for her to be happy.

 

then like a strike out of the blue one night she txt messages me.. asking me how I am..

 

I let her know Im ok and then she calls.. she was driving around alone and sounded pretty distressed.. so we decided to go for a ride..

 

we go for a drive and its like... the good ole days.. like we never missed a beat we are laughing, joking and being friendly.. we hang out for a few hours and when she goes to leave.. out of instinct we kissed eachother goodnight.. it didnt feel wierd, wrong or anything else... it had became evident that whoever she was seeing did not work out..

 

 

well the next day we talked on the phone.. again.. as if nothing had happened and again went for a drive.. this time.. she let me in on the fact that the person that she was seeing had jilted her in some way... i didnt ask any more.. i didnt want to know anymore... not who it was not what happened.. I was just glad she was sitting there next to me and thats all that mattered, the past is the past and paining yourself with it wont change it..

 

 

well we hung out a few more times, every time having fun.. etc etc.. kissing hugging.. but she always seemed a little bothered.. held back.. perhaps even scared..

 

well finally a few nights ago.. she told me.. the person she was seeing.. was a former "friend" of mine..... I had known this guy forever.. and knew he was NOT a good person.. especially in the sense of ever caring for or loving anyone but himself.. I also knew from his own bragging that he really got a kick of trying to screw around with other people's girlfriends... it was just "his thing" a forbidden fruit kind of thing... has was always "screwing" as he referred to it.. someone, his former best friend's ex, some other guy he knew's ex.. and a handful of other chicks.. its a sport to him.. "gotta have something to poke on now and then" he said quite a few times... his general personality and lack of any motivation is what led to me stopping hanging out with him at all..

 

 

 

obviousley when she told me this was the guy she had been seeing.. i was... it felt like i was dieng.. wished i was.. i really wished i was dead... this was my sweetheart, the girl I loved more than anyone or anthing on earth.. and now I have a an unremovable image of her screwing this jackass seemingly permanantly burned into my mind.. i have to walk around with it ratteling around in my head every day.. and I have never been more miserable in my life.. except for the days following the death of my mother from cancer.

 

But I still love this girl.. I dont love her any less and I dont hate her, I knew she was in a very vulnerable state and was taken advantage of by this.. PILE OF s***..

 

I still want to be with her, and I still love her, and I feel I always will.. but at the same time.. I am in constant pain because of her..

 

so the source of my greatest joy and my most horrible pain.. is the same person.. and its killing me inside.. I just want to move on.. with her by my side of couse.. I want to get our lives moving foreward and bury the past in new and good memories.. thats all I want.. but yet.. she still seems apprenhensive.. she says she still loves me but yet, she acts like shes not sure she wants to hang out with me.. but when we do she have tons of fun and its all good..

 

I do not know what her fear is.. if she thinks i hate her and am not showing it? she thinks.. that we can never got past this .. or what?

 

Im lost on this, and typically I do not ask others for advice of this kind.. but i really dont have anyone im close enough to to discuss this with..

 

 

I just so afraid and confused I dont even know what im asking for now that i typed all of this... I just figured it would help me feel better to get it off my chest in some way.

 

thanks for reading.

[heartnsoul]

Her reluctance is most likely guilt and maybe some shame mixed in. Give it time...talk things out with her and if you both want to give it another go, agree to move forward with a clean slate.

 

True love will always find a way.

 

Best wishes

[DesertDweller]

Wow. Your girlfriend is lucky to have a man like you. She sounds like an honest person. Why can't you ask her why she's holding back? Are you sure she wants to renew your relationship? Could she simply be looking for a shoulder to cry on? Sorry if I sound harsh.