I need help..

[DixieNormis]

So BASICALLY. We have been together since last year October 21, in january this year. We had a huge argument, because my online friend was flirting over text, and my boyfriend saw the texts and my mate wasnt understanding the boundaries so I had to remove him... as my boyfriend was jealous...

 

Now during January and February he was trying to trust again. But what I didnt know until i searched through his phone this month is that during January and February (whilst we were arguing and having issues) he was going up from Sheffield to Glasgow (which is a 4 hour trip there and a 4 hour trip back) to meet a girl and go to her house cause his MATE suggested that her mate would take his mind off of things. So he had been going up to see this girl and watch films (im guessing) for hours on end without telling me. And then at the end of month she ended up kissing him. Apparently the kiss lasted 5 seconds before he apparently pushed her away. I want to believe that but over text he was sending messages like "coming up your drive ?" and she was sending messages like "hope you dont get too bored without me ?" because he went up there whilst she was at work and waited for her, she lives at home with her parents btw. He also says that he sends these kisses to anyone who sends them to him, same with x's apparently. I would trust him 100% if it was out in public or in a club... but its on her bed.. at her home.. and he knew she liked him because his mate told him that she did. Except he says "he took it as a joke".

 

Usually Im pretty forgiving. But since this was at a serious time when i was depressed.. and he didnt tell me anything about going out or seeing her or anything about this kiss i dont know what to do... part of me feels like something more wouldve happened but im unsure whether hes that type of person... he always said he was against cheating..

[Garcon1986]

Welcome to LS mate, good to find a fellow Brit here, I like that you mentioned Sheffield and Glasgow. I used to live in good old London.

 

I think you've found a bloke who is a bit of a wanker when it comes to being sensitive about your emotions. You've done something that's made him insecure, and he's done something that has made you insecure. Now there's a mutual communication block. What I propose is that you both have an adult to adult talk about what acceptable boundaries are, in your relationship. His transgression seems a little more serious than yours since he's the one who went to Scotland, and not just to have a pint with Kevin Bridges. You could tell him that your relationship has one chance, and you've gotta sort out opposite gender friends as well - you can't be insecure every time the partner has opposite gender friends - and then see what he does with the new mutually agreed upon rules. If he keeps breaking them, and you can't Adam and Eve each other anymore, then tell him nicely to have a nice day and don't see him again.

[DixieNormis]

Aye, I moved from London to Sheffield its great to meet you. BUT yeah we have had this whole discussion, I'm naturally a jealous person but I've put a lid on it the past few months as he works with a lot of females. Its only the fact Ive never met them and in their texts hes never mentioned me. To any of his mates. But yeah we both were supposed to know the boundaries except he pushed them I feel like he went from caring about us to just caring about himself.. and devoting all his efforts into this woman as he spent like hours with her... took 8 hour trips to see her... its a bit much.

 

I said I'll give it another try... but if he ever hides anything from me again or lies to me again it'll be swiftly over between us... i guess the only issues now is that he needs to make an effort and i need to work to trust him again... as hes hidden other things in the past too..

 

Thanks thoughhhh.

[Garcon1986]

And its good that you recognize that you are a bit of a jealous person at baseline. I will let you know that many lads will be put off center by a jealous girlfriend, I will tell you that my last relationship failed partially because of this. A guy seeing jealousy from a girlfriend over and over again will actually drive him to cheat, even if he was an honest and dedicated man in the beginning. In my personal experience, no amount of dedication I could show to her, would ever make her jealousy go away. That's a very uncomfortable situation no guy wants to be in. It's almost like you are begging your girlfriend for forgiveness constantly, at some point the man will be fed up. So it's very healthy that you recognize this. If you can try to tweak it, even better for your long term. Maybe you can also ask yourself, are both of you feeling validated in your relationship with each other? Do you share the same love languages and core ideas?

[DixieNormis]

Sometimes i really wasnt satisfied with our relationship... I always felt like I was asking for too much.. I was the last priority on his list.. would never surprisee meee, or make time for meee, it was always mates over me... even if we hadnt seen eachother for like 3 weeks, like the romance and surprises disappeared within like 5 months lol I always sent like love messages or pictures and he always ignored them.. sometimes I distanced myself to make him happy cause I know that crowding a guy can make them run away so I became busy, I became less bothered by the girls he was seeing. I always asked for advice on how to be abetter girlfriend and he literally would either say "its cool youre perfect you dont have to change" or "just make sure youre mine forever" which made me feel really bad purely cause I asked for so much. To be fair. The relationship was all good and well until I found out about the three different occasions on when he hid stuff from me. Its just he went on holiday with his ex a month after we got together cause he basically booked it before we got together and before they broke up and she refused to not go... so they went.. and he didnt tell me... but i got over that and moved past it... and hes been texting the same ex since august cos she wouldnt leave him alone.. and he just wanted to make her like... happy? And pretend? Cause shes suicidal and he would lose his job if she died whilst talking to her... but literally its just january I cant get over..

 

Infact you probably wouldnt believe it but like a month ago he suggested moving in.. and we were planning to sort it all out before I found out about it all... but yeah ive been trying to work on my clingyness and jealousy for ages.. slowly getting better at it though

Edited October 30, 2018 by DixieNormis

[Garcon1986]

That's indeed a bit of a hard situation, just curious, in what job do you get fired if your ex hurts herself? Is your man a British Transport copper or something?

 

You are indeed in a tough situation. If you've had the boundaries talk a few times, are you ready to put up with this throughout your whole relationship? It sounds like he's not ready to stop contacting other ladies any time soon. In most relationships no contact with the ex is enforced, but it seems sticky because the ex is suicidal if she is totally cut off from your boyfriend. One way to approach this is, are you willing to accept the ex being around as some sort of acquaintance? That would require lots of self control.

 

And what do you personally think about moving in with your lad? Is it a good time to do it? Does it feel natural for the both of you?

 

Electronic high five to you from across the pond for trying to sort through things.

[DixieNormis]

Hes a copper, but yea i kinda dont want to put up with it which is why i said if anything of the sort happens again then itbwill swiftly be over. And i feel like his ex being around would take a lot... for us..

.

Moving in didbfeel right as i felt like everythijg was perfect it did feel natural... until like... you know i found out abiut this stuff... then I felt like I was lied to and felt alone..

 

But electronic high five to you too sir, honestly thankyou for the advice, cause literally everyones just been like "leave him" "abandon ship" but its just..m not thst easy you know? So thankyou..

[ExpatInItaly]

Usually Im pretty forgiving. But since this was at a serious time when i was depressed.. and he didnt tell me anything about going out or seeing her or anything about this kiss i dont know what to do... part of me feels like something more wouldve happened but im unsure whether hes that type of person... he always said he was against cheating..

 

Well, he's not that against cheating if he is cheating, OP. He is that type of guy. His behaviour is proof of that. Guys who aren't the type to cheat don't do what he's been doing, girl. It's not complicated.

 

Personally, I would be done. You two are not honest with each other, and there's boundary-busting on both sides. Your relationship is not built on a foundation of trust. I know you don't want to hear that, but this is very likely not going to end well if you stay. Everyone is telling you to leave him because they see what you can't, being in the middle of it. He likes someone else and has been deceiving you for quite a while. His heart isn't with you because he's been dating his other girlfriend at the same time.

 

You would be wise to move on from this.

Edited October 30, 2018 by ExpatInItaly

[namelessguy]

And its good that you recognize that you are a bit of a jealous person at baseline. I will let you know that many lads will be put off center by a jealous girlfriend, I will tell you that my last relationship failed partially because of this. A guy seeing jealousy from a girlfriend over and over again will actually drive him to cheat, even if he was an honest and dedicated man in the beginning. In my personal experience, no amount of dedication I could show to her, would ever make her jealousy go away. That's a very uncomfortable situation no guy wants to be in. It's almost like you are begging your girlfriend for forgiveness constantly, at some point the man will be fed up. So it's very healthy that you recognize this. If you can try to tweak it, even better for your long term. Maybe you can also ask yourself, are both of you feeling validated in your relationship with each other? Do you share the same love languages and core ideas?

 

Hi Garcon, not to side track the OP, but I too experienced a highly jealous ex. It was very damaging for me and toxic. But I held on. Needless to say it never resolved and she only once admitted it was destroying us. Yet she could never change her ways. In that sense, it was just part of her pathology.

 

Unless someone truly wants to make changes and proactively makes changes, sorry, but you cant change someone.

 

 

Its just he went on holiday with his ex a month after we got together cause he basically booked it before we got together and before they broke up and she refused to not go... so they went.. and he didnt tell me... but i got over that and moved past it... and hes been texting the same ex since august cos she wouldn't leave him alone.. and he just wanted to make her like... happy? And pretend? Cause shes suicidal and he would lose his job if she died whilst talking to her... but literally its just January I cant get over..

 

oh wow. I can see genuine reason for your jealousy here. TBH it seems fairly obvious to me what the solution is here. Its called setting boundaries and having the self respect and dignity to uphold them if they get broken. Define what you will and wont tolerate and stick to it.

 

If i could have followed one piece, one tiny shred of advice from myself whilst i was with my ex, it would have been that.

 

And since as ExpatinItaly says above, your relationship is not built on a solid foundation, it doesn't hold much in the way of a future, least not the sort of relationship I assume you actually want.

Edited October 30, 2018 by namelessguy

[d0nnivain]

You may have had some guy flirting with you over text (possibly an EA). He had a living breathing woman he was spending time with & kissing behind your back (a PA). You have been unhappy in this relationship for a while & don't feel like a priority. What exactly is it that you are trying to preserve here? Being alone is better then being ignored, IMO.