stella20 Posted October 30, 2018 Share Posted October 30, 2018 I did something I've never done before and I deeply regret it - I snooped through my boyfriend's phone. in the nearly two years we have been together - I don't know what came over me to just take it when he wasn't in the room. A message from a former ex he remains friends was stored there with the time reading 1.5 hours prior to the time it was when I was holding his phone. It basically said that " the one guy I'm ok with doesn't want kids." (aka meaning my boyfriend) she " respects his decision" but doesn't want to regret not getting the chance to have kids. she claims " jill told me that you would have supported me but I would have basically been raising the kid by myself." I was confused by the texts - why would she blatantly disrespect not only me but him? He got a mastectomy long before he met her or myself - he showed me the papers proving his procedure. I heard him go back inside and put everything back on his phone to the way it was. I couldn't really talk to him the rest of the night because I felt ashamed for snooping and hurt that this person who claims to be his friend would write him this. I noticed that he didn't respond to the message despite it having been sent 1.5 ago. He also didn't call her (I checked the phone log.) I don't know how to approach this subject without turning myself in but I feel like that is the only way to let all of my confusion and pain in one conversation. is she trying to guilt trip him into giving her his sperm? he hasn't given me a reason to not doubt his commitment to me but I don't like the fact that she felt the need to text this to him. it's been about four years since they broke up - I would never ask anyone to abandon their friends - but I felt insecure when I finished reading. Link to post Share on other sites
portwine49 Posted October 30, 2018 Share Posted October 30, 2018 People are going to be on you for going through his phone. If you have previous trauma from being betrayed put it on the table with him. Let him know you want all access due to insecurity. He takes it or leaves it. But now is not the time. Hear me out. She does not want to borrow his sperm. She doesn't mean much to him if he is not responding. It sounds like a platonic friendship, but like you, I am not big on exes contacting my guy..with that said. Dont' say anything. See if he responds, and see what is says. Dont confront her either. Just lay low. I dont think he is cheating. The dialogue has nothing to do with intimacy, just her dating life and fertility issues.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author stella20 Posted October 30, 2018 Author Share Posted October 30, 2018 I know people will be on me about snooping through his phone - I can handle that criticism. But I’m also concerned because she told him - she thought she missed her chance at having kids when they were together. But the reason they broke up in the first place was because she thought he wasn’t committed to being with her when he was on the phone with someone (not me - this was before he met me - a different woman) and she thought she couldn’t trust him. He also told her point blank he wasn’t ready for marriage / settling down. He thought she was only putting up with him because she didn’t want to be alone. I just don’t want her to plant something in his brain through manipulation. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted October 30, 2018 Share Posted October 30, 2018 I just don’t want her to plant something in his brain through manipulation. This isn't possible unless he is a very weak-minded individual who still holds a torch for her. Do you feel he is and does? If he is that easily led astray, you have bigger problems than you realized. I would also be curious to know what it was that came over you that led you to check his phone. That sort of idea doesn't usually come out of nowhere. Have you been concerned about his friendship with her? You seem to know a bit about their relationship and their break-up, so I gather she's come up a couple times before. I would imagine they've had some previous conversation on the topic of children; I doubt she would send a message like that with zero lead-up. Are they regularly in touch, that you know of? Side note, I'm assuming you mean he had a vasectomy. Correct? One needs breasts to have a mastectomy. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 30, 2018 Share Posted October 30, 2018 She's not his friend even though he calls her that. She is his EX & always will be. She is also still carrying a torch for him. I have no idea how he feels but clearly their relationship ended because he knew he couldn't give her all the things she wanted: a fuller commitment & children. He still can't give her children so intellectually there is not reason for them to rekindle what they had because it still won't work. After his vasectomy he still can't give her kids. I think you need to talk to him. Confess to the snooping. But tell him how insecure her words made you feel & flesh out his true feelings for her. For her, he's the one who got away. If for him, he's still swimming for daylight you are all good. If he wishes she could have simply accepted what he had to give & not more, you are on shakier ground. Do not accuse. Accept the blame for snooping but do use this as a jumping off point for your "what are we?" discussion. Link to post Share on other sites
Author stella20 Posted October 30, 2018 Author Share Posted October 30, 2018 I don’t think he is that easy to lead astray but I think my brain is just looking into this way too much and making this situation bigger than it really is. Correct - vasectomy. Like I said - my irrational thoughts didn’t let me look this over until I clicked post - my fault. She has been brought up before when she told him her initial thoughts about me at a party - she “wasn’t sure about me but if he liked me- she was ok with it.” I was annoyed by her statement but brushed it off. Kids have been brought up - he told me about his vasectomy when we first started our relationship and I told him I didn’t want kids. She on the other hand wants a family and he doesn’t. I’m thinking they could have maybe talked in person? Her grandma makes food for her church and if there are leftovers - he goes to get some food (in a bowl and leaves - doesn’t stay for long) or she drops it off. But that is the extent of their in person contact as far as I know. Link to post Share on other sites
David33 Posted October 30, 2018 Share Posted October 30, 2018 The danger when we snoop is we may find something. You did. It's bothering you. You can either bury it or talk about it. Maybe start the conversation talking about your feeling of insecurity. If he asks why you're feeling this way, then tell him. Otherwise, it's just a talk about how you feel and if he's a good person he'll listen and try to comfort you. Afterward, you may not feel the need to discuss the snooping. GL Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted October 30, 2018 Share Posted October 30, 2018 Correct - vasectomy. Like I said - my irrational thoughts didn’t let me look this over until I clicked post - my fault. She has been brought up before when she told him her initial thoughts about me at a party - she “wasn’t sure about me but if he liked me- she was ok with it.” I was annoyed by her statement but brushed it off. Kids have been brought up - he told me about his vasectomy when we first started our relationship and I told him I didn’t want kids. Understandable that you were annoyed by that. I am quite sure he wasn't asking for her approval. I think that was just her lame way of trying to nudge herself into his life. She on the other hand wants a family and he doesn’t. I’m thinking they could have maybe talked in person? Her grandma makes food for her church and if there are leftovers - he goes to get some food (in a bowl and leaves - doesn’t stay for long) or she drops it off. But that is the extent of their in person contact as far as I know. The ex brings him food to his house, do you mean? Is this his church too? You are probably right that they talked in person about it. There is obviously a greater context to the message you saw. However, it's not a conversation she should even be having with him anymore. I think you are going to need to be honest with him about going through his phone, and take ownership of that. And then ask him to please explain what this conversation with his ex is pertaining to, exactly. He might have clean hands in all of this, but it might also be time to be laying down stronger boundaries with his ex. She sounds like she is still quite attached to him. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted October 31, 2018 Share Posted October 31, 2018 This was over 1.5 years ago....water under the bridge. The subject is done and over with. If I were you I wouldn't mention a word about looking through his phone because that will cause more crap because you had no reason to do it. He's been a saint the whole time right? It would offend him, and it's a breach of trust. If you want to have a discussion, find a better way to bring it up like when her name comes up, or she seems to over step her boundaries. Link to post Share on other sites
Rubix Cubed Posted November 1, 2018 Share Posted November 1, 2018 This was over 1.5 years ago....water under the bridge. The subject is done and over with. If I were you I wouldn't mention a word about looking through his phone because that will cause more crap because you had no reason to do it. He's been a saint the whole time right? It would offend him, and it's a breach of trust. If you want to have a discussion, find a better way to bring it up like when her name comes up, or she seems to over step her boundaries. She said the time stamp was 1.5 HOURS from when she looked. Not sure where you are getting 1.5 years. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted November 1, 2018 Share Posted November 1, 2018 This was over 1.5 years ago....water under the bridge. The subject is done and over with. If I were you I wouldn't mention a word about looking through his phone because that will cause more crap because you had no reason to do it. He's been a saint the whole time right? It would offend him, and it's a breach of trust. 1.5 hours ago. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted November 3, 2018 Share Posted November 3, 2018 OK OK sorry guys I was at work and even tho I'm not on the clock yet, staff keeps interrupting me lol so i was speed reading it......well she should just confront him or dump him...those are her options. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author stella20 Posted November 4, 2018 Author Share Posted November 4, 2018 Understandable that you were annoyed by that. I am quite sure he wasn't asking for her approval. I think that was just her lame way of trying to nudge herself into his life. The ex brings him food to his house, do you mean? Is this his church too? You are probably right that they talked in person about it. There is obviously a greater context to the message you saw. However, it's not a conversation she should even be having with him anymore. I think you are going to need to be honest with him about going through his phone, and take ownership of that. And then ask him to please explain what this conversation with his ex is pertaining to, exactly. He might have clean hands in all of this, but it might also be time to be laying down stronger boundaries with his ex. She sounds like she is still quite attached to him. When she texted him that - he asked me if she had said anything to me and I told " the only thing she said she was she already knew who I was." and he then he showed me the text. he was afraid she would said something rude and that's the night I found out the info that I know now about their breakup / history. yes - the ex brings the food to his house. she just did at the moment - but it was the same procedure as last time - she stayed outside and he just retrieved the food. it took less than a minute. it is his church but he doesn't go as much as used to. the last time I checked the message - it was the same format as last time - no response from him at all. but he has since deleted the convo because it is no longer there. It's been almost a week and I haven't talked to him about this yet. he, of course, hasn't mentioned anything. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted November 4, 2018 Share Posted November 4, 2018 yes - the ex brings the food to his house. she just did at the moment - but it was the same procedure as last time - she stayed outside and he just retrieved the food. it took less than a minute. it is his church but he doesn't go as much as used to. Considering the nature of her recent messages to him about children, I think your boyfriend needs to start laying down clearer boundaries with her in general - including the food runs. If there were truly just platonic interests on both sides, I might see her food delivery a bit differently. However, it seems she's been trying to open what I feel is an inappropriate conversation with him about having kids together. I would not trust her motives in otherwise innocent gestures like running Granny's cooking to him. He might be fairly indifferent about her, but I don't think the same is true for her. I believe a discussion about what you both consider to be acceptable boundaries in the relationship is in order. Link to post Share on other sites
Author stella20 Posted November 5, 2018 Author Share Posted November 5, 2018 I agree - there does need to be stronger boundaries in place. I don't want to tell him how to set those up per say but I feel I should talk to him about any lines that might be crossed now or down the road. Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted November 11, 2018 Share Posted November 11, 2018 (edited) I agree - there does need to be stronger boundaries in place. I don't want to tell him how to set those up per say but I feel I should talk to him about any lines that might be crossed now or down the road.When you first started dating him, you were not in a position to establish real long term boundaries. It is now time to do this. Many couples have boundaries that do not allow opposit sex friends (OSF). Those that do have boundaries that allow for OSF usually have strong boundaries that do not allow ex’s as friends. What this ex says about you to your partner, and how she talks to him are why. The odds that an ex will have a toxic impact on a couple’s relationship are just too high for most. You are well within your rights to call for new boundaries more in line with your current relationship, and calling for a boundary that prevents him from keeping any ex as a friend is the norm. You do not have tell him what you saw to do this. Just ask him if it is at all possible that she still may have any feelings for him. If he tells the truth and says yes (remember her texts), that will make it easier for you to say that it is not appropriate that she remain in his life as a friend. If he is not truthful and says no (now you know he cannot be trusted) you tell him that based on their history you do not agree; you should then insist that it is not appropriate that she remain in his life as a friend. Either way you must insist on this without second guessing yourself. As any relationship matures, so should your boundaries. Edited November 11, 2018 by Try Link to post Share on other sites
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