Not sexually attracted to my otherwise-perfect gf. Do I already know the answer?

[B.J.C.]

Good lord this is a novel, but I felt the need to be thorough. Very grateful to anyone who gets through it!

 

 

I met my girlfriend three years ago online; she lives in the US and I’m from the UK. The route we took to get to gf/bf is quite unorthodox, and I feel the ‘order’ in which we did things is now causing us problems. I’ve never had any other kind of relationship, and I also think my lack of experience is making this cloudier for me.

 

We instant-messaged on Skype for a long time at first, because we instantly decided the other person was cool and seemed to have common interests. We talked (typed) for hours on end almost every day, and I couldn’t get enough of talking to her. We eventually shared the odd photo of ourselves, and when I saw that she had a cute face, I felt I’d hit the jackpot! She thought I was good-looking too, which led to us talking about more ‘grown-up’ stuff, the odd voice chat, and eventually playing out sexual encounters with each other (still in type-mode!). Eventually the discussion turned to us meeting, and it brought her to reveal that she was on the large side, and felt bad that she’d concealed that from me (by only sending photos of her face). I could tell from the photos that she wasn’t stick-thin, but perhaps had underestimated a little. I don’t remember what I said exactly in initial reply, but I remember feeling I hadn’t handled it well. I said honestly that physical appearance did matter to me, but I still wanted to meet her, feeling that the million other things that made me like her had to count for something.

 

She came to the UK for ten days and things couldn’t have gone better. When I saw her for the first time I did not worry too much about her physical appearance, as this was a surreal experience for the both us and we had no idea how things would go. I focussed on spending some time with the incredibly cool person I’d met online. We had a great time, and quite soon were kissing and sleeping in the same bed together. We dabbled a little sexually, but didn’t get very far, as I’d not bought any protection (didn’t want to get ahead of myself). I didn’t worry about her size at all at any stage of her trip.

 

We’ve since visited each other 4/5 more times, and each time we’ve become closer, had some great experiences, and though saying the words ‘boyfriend/girlfriend’ sound odd to us, we definitely consider ourselves to be just that. I hope I don’t sound like I’m being a typically soppy guy talking about his girl, but we are so perfect it’s a little frightening; we are on the same page about everything except ketchup, and we already know everything there is to know about the other (I really don’t want to understate all this, because I feel it’s important to my current quandary). We have never argued (we’ve barely had any type of disagreement), and introduced each other to a lot of cool things in the places we live; we’ve even met both sets of parents & a lot of other family members, and everybody gets on great!

 

Frustratingly, the one thing that isn’t going to plan is sex; on every trip since the first, we’ve tried but never been able to do it. The first time we tried and failed, and while I chalked it up to being our first experience, she wondered if it was because I wasn’t attracted to her. I didn’t agree, because I’d had no problem staying aroused, and definitely wanted to do it with her. But every subsequent try has been more upsetting and difficult to explain. Thankfully, she’s incredibly mature, and we’ve always eventually talked it out and discussed how we could make it work next time.

 

There are certainly other things at play - I have struggled to forget about failed attempts and this has caused performance issues. She asked if maybe I’m asexual, and though there are parts of that description I relate to, I am not convinced that is the case. I have seen attractive women and recognise that I find them visually appealing, and have masturbated many times – mainly to porn, sometimes to the idea of someone I’ve seen/met in my head (though I rarely focus on the business end of things, more the overall idea of being with someone) – I am more turned on by a pleasing figure/person than seeing ‘bits’ up close, they are more of a turn-off.

 

The longer it’s gone on, the more it’s gnawed at me that it is to do with physical attraction, and she has vocalised this a few more times. I never admitted to this, because on our first try it didn’t feel like an issue, but the more it’s been mentioned, the more it has played on my mind. The most recent attempt at sex convinced me that I am not sexually attracted to my girlfriend, and this is tough to take/admit to. I’m a sensitive guy, so attraction/arousal is not something I can fake, even to just get through the first time and hope that sorts the problem. I’m upset that I’ve only now come to this conclusion – I think that because there have been so many times she’s asked this and I’ve refused to concede it, it makes me very reluctant to acknowledge it after all this time, as it feels like I’m admitting to something we both knew all along.

 

After so many failed tries, I cannot see any following attempt being any more successful, which is where I am stuck (I have not found a similar situation when searching the web to draw ideas from). I am unashamedly looking for a watertight reason for us to keep going as we are, but it upsets us each time and that is not right.

 

• Can you have a successful relationship without sex (I want children!)?

• Sex is not the only box that needs ticking in a relationship, but neither of us will know if it’s one that needs to be ticked if things stay as they are. All the others are, but she wants to try and I can’t give her that opportunity

• How can we decide whether either of us need it with no frame of reference?

• How will I know whether I have a general lack of interest in sex unless I try with other people? Quite possible I would struggle with anyone, but doesn’t change lack of attraction

• I so badly want to stay with her, but feel selfish to carry on with this hanging over the relationship. How is it fair to stay with her, us both knowing there is no sexual attraction? Would just make her feel worse. I would struggle to get past that.

• I know I’m inexperienced, and this is my first relationship etc etc, but I cannot fathom meeting someone so perfect for me in every other way – am I refusing to admit to myself that the answer is obvious because it would hurt us so badly? Should I keep going in a relationship that makes me so happy but ultimately does not meet all requirements (for both of us)?

[jennyjen]

Have you been able to have sex with other women, and you're only experiencing this with her? Or is this a common problem you have? I'm what many men in today's culture would consider attractive (not my selling point, btw, all superficial stuff that SHOULDN'T matter in a relationship!!!), but I dated a guy once who made me wait months for sex and when we finally were about to do it, he couldn't get it up. We tried many times after that, and he just couldn't. He hadn't had sex for six years and he said he just got so used to doing it on his own that he was super nervous. After many failed attempts, I don't know what did it but it finally happened, and he was unstoppable after that. I ended up having to say no to him because I was sore. LOL.

[sabaton]

First of all - long-distance relationships are incredibly hard.

 

For everyone. You can't arrange live dates because you guys live in other Countries/cities, you can't cuddle, you can't cook for each other. There's also always going to be temptations because of other guys and other gals that live in the same city and that are giving you guys attention, and overall long-distance relationships are not for everyone, that's for sure.

 

Girls who only send face pictures are girls who are overweight. When a girl has a great body she will make sure the entire world knows about it, either by sending full-body pictures of herself to guys, or by having pictures of herself in a bikini, at the beach, in shorts, in dresses on her facebook, instagram, and twitter, and that's why when guys start talking to girls and a certain level of intimacy begins to appear, guys should straight up ask for the girl's social media so he can scoop out if he's wasting his time or not, in someone he might not be attracted to etc.

 

Next time you meet a girl and you guys develop some chemistry with each other: remember to ask for a full-body picture so you can figure out if she's your type or not.

 

if she's overweight and you are not attracted to that body-type, there's nothing you can do that will make you suddenly begin to feel her to be attractive, and that's probably the reason why you can't perform with her.

 

With sexual tension, with great flirting happening between the both of you -you would probably be erect even before the clothes were off, before she even kissed you or touched you, because of how attracted you would be to her.

 

You are a healthy guy, and you are far too young to have perfomance issues. End this online relationship and invest your time in girls you find to be sexually attractive.

[littleblackheart]

It sounds like you have made a great friend.

 

The most recent attempt at sex convinced me that I am not sexually attracted to my girlfriend

 

So don't string her along and don't second guess yourself. End it kindly but swiftly. Don't feel guilty or shallow either - if you are already convinced you are not sexually attracted to her, there's nothing else you can do.

[Normm]

Dude she bait and switched you.

 

You've known this from day one. The expression usually goes "Don't throw good money after bad". In this case don't throw any more wasted time at her, you know it's not going anywhere. Cut her off, she deserves no more than that from the initial deception.

 

I can relate to this. When I first started dabbling in online dating and relationship forums after my divorce, I started getting really friendly with a girl on one of the now defunct relationship boards that also had a chatroom. We'd be at it until the wee hours of the morning, ultimately took it to the telephone, did the whole cybersex thing multiple times and the feelings grew. But I was so naive and not in a good emotional and mental place after my recent divorce. I didn't know what she looked like for months! I was planning on making a road trip to see her- a couple of hours away. A mutual online friend on that same forum said "dude you haven't seen a picture, for good reason! Don't even think about making that trip without seeing a picture.". She told me she wasn't internet savvy and couldn't figure out how to get a picture up there. This was back in 2006 by the way. But she assured me she was hot and whenever she went out guys were always trying to pick her up but she didn't want any of them, only me.

 

Finally as the weekend of the proposed trip drew near, I started insisting she send me a photo, get a friend or someone to help her. So finally she says she got a picture ready and sent it to me via aol instant messenger. I recall it vividly even to this day, 12 years later.

 

It was a slow connection- probably dialup back then. Anyway the picture started opening up slowly from the head down. Nice pretty eyes, pretty face.. and then I saw the rest of this beastly figure weighing far more than 200 lbs, standing in between her 2 kids which were her progeny beyond the shadow of a doubt, probably 700 lbs between the 3 of them.

 

I just stared in shock at my screen. I was numb. Not just because I realized I was deceived, but that I was stupid enough to fall for it and waste so much time on this person. Also bedause what I thought was so real was nothing more than a fictional story in my head. We were on the phone at the time, I was beyond words. She's like "are you ok?". I mumbled something back, got off the phone, and ultimately cut her off for good, saying something about how I realized she lived too far away or whatever. I think she bought into it despite my sudden reaction upon seeing her photo.

 

Point being we know what we like and what we don't like. We can't force it.

[sabaton]

Dude she bait and switched you.

 

You've known this from day one. The expression usually goes "Don't throw good money after bad". In this case don't throw any more wasted time at her, you know it's not going anywhere. Cut her off, she deserves no more than that from the initial deception.

 

I can relate to this. When I first started dabbling in online dating and relationship forums after my divorce, I started getting really friendly with a girl on one of the now defunct relationship boards that also had a chatroom. We'd be at it until the wee hours of the morning, ultimately took it to the telephone, did the whole cybersex thing multiple times and the feelings grew. But I was so naive and not in a good emotional and mental place after my recent divorce. I didn't know what she looked like for months! I was planning on making a road trip to see her- a couple of hours away. A mutual online friend on that same forum said "dude you haven't seen a picture, for good reason! Don't even think about making that trip without seeing a picture.". She told me she wasn't internet savvy and couldn't figure out how to get a picture up there. This was back in 2006 by the way. But she assured me she was hot and whenever she went out guys were always trying to pick her up but she didn't want any of them, only me.

 

Finally as the weekend of the proposed trip drew near, I started insisting she send me a photo, get a friend or someone to help her. So finally she says she got a picture ready and sent it to me via aol instant messenger. I recall it vividly even to this day, 12 years later.

 

It was a slow connection- probably dialup back then. Anyway the picture started opening up slowly from the head down. Nice pretty eyes, pretty face.. and then I saw the rest of this beastly figure weighing far more than 200 lbs, standing in between her 2 kids which were her progeny beyond the shadow of a doubt, probably 700 lbs between the 3 of them.

 

I just stared in shock at my screen. I was numb. Not just because I realized I was deceived, but that I was stupid enough to fall for it and waste so much time on this person. Also bedause what I thought was so real was nothing more than a fictional story in my head. We were on the phone at the time, I was beyond words. She's like "are you ok?". I mumbled something back, got off the phone, and ultimately cut her off for good, saying something about how I realized she lived too far away or whatever. I think she bought into it despite my sudden reaction upon seeing her photo.

 

Point being we know what we like and what we don't like. We can't force it.

 

Pretty much. I was once talking to a girl who had a really cute face, but she would never send body pictures through snap. Suddenly she starts talking about how she lost a lot of weight through surgery and that she has absolutely no interest in doing physical exercse, she didn't want to lose more weight (she was 5'2'' and 150lbs at 30% body fat..)and I lost all attraction to her.

 

I don't get it why there are people who lie to others about the way they look. What's the point? the guy is not going to find out when they meet? I'm 5'7'' and I'm always upfront about it.

 

''oh hey, here's a picture of my face, here's a picture of my hairline, here's another picture of myself shirtless, here's a picture of my teeth, and here's some nudes and penis pictures, if you like the rest of me. And I'm just being out there and stuff, I'm 5'7''. If that's a turn off for you, that's cool with me, I'll just move on. ''

 

Honesty in dating/hooking up is seriously lacking.

[Normm]

I don't get it why there are people who lie to others about the way they look. What's the point? the guy is not going to find out when they meet? I'm 5'7'' and I'm always upfront about it.

 

 

It's not just the women that deceive. It comes down to a matter of desperation. The fat and ugly can't get dates or even messages on the dating sites so they resort to deception because getting a date or a few messages is better than nothing, even if it's a one shot deal they get some human interaction and maybe even a free meal from those guys who online date but have not yet figured out that the first date should never be a formal dinner. They hope if they build enough attraction via texts and phone conversations in the days and weeks preceding that first face to face meetup that their "mild deception regarding their age/weight/missing arm or leg" might be forgiven. And they don't see themselves nearly as bad as they actually are.

[sabaton]

It's not just the women that deceive. It comes down to a matter of desperation. The fat and ugly can't get dates or even messages on the dating sites so they resort to deception because getting a date or a few messages is better than nothing, even if it's a one shot deal they get some human interaction and maybe even a free meal from those guys who online date but have not yet figured out that the first date should never be a formal dinner. They hope if they build enough attraction via texts and phone conversations in the days and weeks preceding that first face to face meetup that their "mild deception regarding their age/weight/missing arm or leg" might be forgiven. And they don't see themselves nearly as bad as they actually are.

 

 

I know it's not just women who deceive. I'm not interested in dating men, tho. What men are up to is not that important to me, but with how cheap gyms are these days, how easy the access to good, healthy food is - why don't these people do what it takes to become attractive?

[Normm]

- why don't these people do what it takes to become attractive?

 

 

They're really L-A-Z-Y

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, you are over-complicating and overthinking a simple matter: you are not attracted to her in a romantic way and need to let her go.

 

She knows it, you know it. You can't force yourself to have feelings you just don't, and while I get she was insecure about her body, she took a huge risk in not being honest about the way she looks. There will be guys out there who are attracted to her; you just happen to not be one of them. I know you don't want to hurt her, but trying to manufacture romantic sparks that were never there is a recipe for disaster.

 

Some couples barely have sex. And that generally doesn't work out well at all, when one person actually does want sex, just not with his or her partner. You can't fool yourself into thinking this will be a satisfactory arrangement long-term.

 

The kindest thing you can do is acknowledge what she already knows, and set her free to find a man who does want her the way she desires.

[preraph]

You need to completely stop porn. You may have programmed yourself to porn scenarios. It's a common thing and the only way to make it go away is to stop and stay stopped and see if you don't start getting desire back for real women.

[I'veseenbetterlol]

This relationship cannot last, as you and her have physical needs. You are being extremely unfair to her and are holding her back from a man who will love everything about her. You need to tell her it isn't working out (don't tell her you aren't physically attracted, she doesn't need to know that).

[healing light]

Okay, I think something has been missed here. You said you can stay aroused until the moment of intercourse. That you had failed experiences builds anxiety around your future performance and, hence, becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

This fits the pattern of classic psychological ED in young men if you research it. It's more common than many suspect.

 

Have you ever had sex before? If you can stay aroused around her until the idea of it translating into something and you know you are having anxiety around it, I wouldn't be so quick to blame her body or your attraction to her.

 

I have never recommended this before but honestly I would consider possibly taking a pill or focus on being very, very relaxed before you try again with her so you can get that first time over with. I feel like if you had had successful intercourse with her that this wouldn't be the problem that it is now.

 

I don't think replacing the woman in this scenario would lead to different results. Now, you could be right about the attraction BUT from what you described about being able to be aroused until the idea of sex pops up and the resulting anxiety you have about your performance and expectations, etc. makes me think otherwise.

[smackie9]

You need to completely stop porn. You may have programmed yourself to porn scenarios. It's a common thing and the only way to make it go away is to stop and stay stopped and see if you don't start getting desire back for real women.

This^^^^ I was thinking the same thing. Deprogram yourself from porn and it's fantasies. Sometimes you need therapy for this.

[Sunlight72]

You don't give enough specifics for us to know what's happening.

 

I agree, it could VERY WELL be that your brain has been trained to respond to porn. It could be compounded by nervousness/over excitement/high expectations that build a lot of pressure into the whole situation when you two are actually together. It does seem significant that you said you have no problem being aroused (you mean erect, right?) with her, but then when the moment of sex approaches, you lose the erection - is that accurate?

 

Definitely stop porn.

 

However - also,you don't say if she is doing anything during your attempts or not. Is she touching you? Oral? Rubbing together, kissing intimately? If not, then sheesh, I can see why your little Johnson is confused. The first time(s) are mysterious and can be confusing, especially for a sensitive man. Quite possibly both of you are being much too polite to communicate to Junior that it is an appropriate time & place to be erect and loving life.

 

Words Cannot Communicate This - it needs to be Direct And Physical.

 

From what you've written I didn't get the sense you aren't attracted to her. Maybe you aren't, but feel bad to write it out. If that's the case, then no, I don't think you should continue trying. However, if you are 'not sure', truly, then I think the problem is possibly that both you and your girlfriend are being much to polite and placing too much fantasy importance on sex.

 

You need her to get involved - so... start some other way the next time you are together. Don't plan on intercourse.

 

Massage each other. Kiss each other's bodies. Perform oral on each other. Keep flirting. Get handsy when you both have your clothes on, standing up, in the light. Just enjoy being sexual and physical, but not having intercourse. Make each other turned on, and after some 'foreplay', make each other orgasm with hands or orally. Repeat at your leisure, amongst other fun or romantic low-pressure stuff like visiting the park, seeing a movie, running errands, etc.

 

Ramp up instead of jumping off the high dive.

 

I think you are two very sensitive people and need to be more aggressive with each other. That is - if you find each other at least somewhat physically attractive.

[snowcones]

It's really sad when two people really like each other but just can't get it together in the bedroom. It's something I'm dealing with right now too. This is why people say that sex is so important.

[Eternal Sunshine]

If you aren't attracted to her, you would have lost interest the first time you saw her because of her size. Yet you were excited, and went on to kiss, cuddle and be physically close.

 

 

 

Sounds to me like anxiety of the first time sex compauded by previous failed attempts. Would be pity to end a good thing over an issue that will fix itself in time, probably when you stop trying.

[TooRational]

• Can you have a successful relationship without sex (I want children!)?

 

Unless you are both asexual, nope. I wasn't very sexually attracted to my ex-wife (she wasn't either) and had a miserable sex life for something like 15 years which eventually led to our divorce. Now I have amazing sexual chemistry with my current gf and our sex life is great. Don't make the same mistake. Sex is amazing. Don't settle for bad sex.

[Giraffe-A]

Physical attraction is important for all of us, but at times, someone that does not meet any of those requirements happen to surprise us. This girl has already set a high standard for the next girl. If you find yourself a cute petite girl, and find out that she's not as cool and interesting, you're going to really hate yourself then. Unfortunately, that's what it takes to know ourselves. Unless you truly see a realistic future with her and this distance between you shortens, then you may need to be kind to her and let this relationship go. There's no shame in being truthful- you value this relationship as friends.

[justwhoiam]

I really hope for you that's the problem, aka not being attracted to her sexually. Because the alternatives are going to be gloomy for you to consider.

 

 

If I understood well, you're a virgin, so you don't really know how you score in that department, with anyone. So what can I say. Go to some club and hook up with a girl and see how it goes, just being sober, with no kind of external help. If you can't perform, will you then say it's the lack of emotional connection?

[basil67]

and have masturbated many times – mainly to porn, sometimes to the idea of someone I’ve seen/met in my head (though I rarely focus on the business end of things, more the overall idea of being with someone) – I am more turned on by a pleasing figure/person than seeing ‘bits’ up close, they are more of a turn-off.

 

In my experience, a man who finds women's bits a turn off is highly unusual. Most guys can't wait to see and explore

 

Have you considered that you could be either asexual or gay?

[justwhoiam]

In my experience, a man who finds women's bits a turn off is highly unusual.

Yeah, I agree.