If You Dug Deep to Discover Why You Had An Affair: What Did You Find?

[NotADayGoesBy]

This post might get moved, but I wanted WS opinions and it seems to be mostly BS on the Infidelity forum.

 

I know something we all must do to repair our marriages is to figure out how we got here in the first place. I am in the process of trying to do this, but if anyone out there has done a lot of the work and is willing to share: what did you find? My IC is ok, but I have a feeling she is not going to be hugely helpful in helping me dig deep for these answers.

 

So far what I have come up with is I am in love with (addicted? ugh, hate that word) to the feeling of infatuation and the early stages of romance. About six months prior to starting this EA I really got into reading romances, because if they were written well, it helped me relive those feelings (like, literally those emotions would physically wash over me). Or, I just have been really wanting to feel those emotions again, like when I was younger. I have also spent years tamping down my authentic sexual self (which is far more outgoing and adventurous than H) because H is so reserved and not very aggressive. For a long time I resented him for this, but then realized it's also my fault for giving up and not telling him what I want. I still haven't, but I'm hoping to get up the nerve eventually. There is obviously more going on that has to do with H, but that's about as far as I've gotten.

[InvisibleLady]

Poor boundaries. Lack of self love. Old resentment from past hurts in my M made it easier to justify. Although at the time of the affair my M was not in a bad place - just my thoughts were. I cannot blame H, he thinks I hung the moon even after all these years. (That makes the guilt wayyy worse)

 

I enjoyed the highs of falling for xmm too. By the time I realized I was falling for him, I didn't want to stop. We were long distance and mostly texted, but he was oh so attentive and I loved our conversations. It's like those brain chemicals take over and you don't care about right or wrong once you're down the rabbit hole.

 

I was married young and I was always someone's wife, mother, daughter, etc. I never got to be just me. But this, this was all mine! I had nothing much to offer xmm due to the long distance and yet he wanted me and "loved" me (I know, I know!). I was way out of his league and I didn't even care. I liked who he was and who I was with him.

Now, I'm realizing I don't need xmm to validate that I am beautiful, smart and amazing. I always was.

[snowcones]

I just want to know what romance books you were reading. Because I need to read those.

[norudder]

I'd suggest following the "why" even further.

 

You're addicted to infatuation. Why?

 

I went down the path of why after why until I couldn't go any further. Then once I understood those, I had to address them within myself so I would be different and not repeat unhealthy behavior.

 

Why didn't I know what boundaries were? Then what are they and what are mine specifically? To family, friends, in love relationship, etc etc.

 

I interact with myself and the world from a much more authentic place now.

 

A lot of it came down to self-worth. Had to know myself to love myself, and have the freedom to love others from a place of giving instead of selfish seeking. To stand for boundaries to protect my values and my relationships against others or protect myself within the relationship itself from an unhealthy partner.

 

Good luck in the search for your answers.

[treehugger12]

I didn't even have to dig, I knew why. I was and am in a very lonely marriage. Lost connection years ago. With a husband that is addicted to gaming and doesn't pay much attention to me at all and we live like room mates. We get along great and are best friends but that is it. I was craving intimacy badly and when MM was working on me for several weeks, I caved. I felt more guilty with a MM but not about my marriage, I've been warning my husband for several years how I felt. Honestly if I told him, he'd probably say he didn't blame me. I struggle on a daily basis why I am still married to him. No children, I guess, afraid of the unknown and hurting him if I left. Today just feel like crying.

Edited October 30, 2018 by treehugger12

[Maybelle]

That I have just been living in my marriage because it is what I am supposed to do. We have kids so I feel obligated to stay married to their father. That we have nothing in common other than our children. We don't mesh on an intellectual level and I feel completely unstimulated by him. That I don't feel fulfilled in any way in my marriage but I also feel tied to it.

[FMW]

I didn't have to dig too deep.

 

I got involved with another man because my marriage was dead, had been for years, but I didn't want to accept it or deal with it. My husband was unfaithful and clearly still interested in sex, just not with me (he later said he never lost attraction but just didn't feel connected anymore and didn't see the point).

 

The other man helped bring me back to life after feeling like I had been in a coma for years, after feeling invisible. He wanted me and made me feel beautiful and sexy and irresistible. It was addicting and intoxicating.

 

I told my husband it was time to divorce within just a few months, I was finally ready to face there was nothing left to save in our marriage.

[niteandfog]

I wanted to get out of my marriage and I didn't know it myself. However, I got lucky and my AP turned the most loving and fulfilling relationship I've ever had. Fast forward and we're all living together, the children are happy and we're looking to get married next year

[MidnightBlue1980]

I can relate to the other posters, I was lonely in my marriage, etc. etc.

 

But it really was not that.

 

I do have poor impulse control, lack of boundaries, self destructive tendencies.

 

I have a history and pattern of infidelity. I'm not sure why.

 

Sometimes I think I am just addicted to pain because it makes you feel more alive and it distracts from everything else in life. Maybe that rush of euphoria followed by earth shadowing pain is better than the quietness of a normal life, rushing along course towards the inevitable end.

 

I do feel like something happened, a mid life crisis, something snapped inside me. Looking back, I do not recognize myself. Unfortunately, three years out, I've lost many friends as the ones who remain say I am a different person from before the A. For a long time I felt the difference but now, I just feel like me.

 

I did take a long time, years, to forgive myself. It took me longer than it took my husband. Today I protect myself from anyone looking to do me harm. I know my weaknesses and I avoid any bad situations. What I went through changed me forever.

[ABernie]

Completely an exit affair for me. I stayed in my M, b/c I was scared that there was nothing out there for me. AP made me realize that was not true.

[Bittersweetie]

NotaDay...

 

There were many reasons for my A. Every time I would discover one, my H would say. "That's great! Now keep going." He called it "peeling the onion" and man I peeled the heck out of that onion. At the time I would get so angry with him for pushing me, but it was a great gift as I made deep, authentic changes in myself that ended up benefiting both of us. I think everyone has different reasons for an A, but here are my main ones.

 

1. I was selfish and self-centered. I'd always been a little, but my insecurity leading up to the affair caused me to be even more selfish, a kind of "I deserve more than this" mentality.

 

2. My H was angry too much/worked too much/didn't appreciate me/etc. All the things that my H did that I was angry with or resented, fed into the "I deserve more" mentality. Though looking back I see that I didn't communicate clearly with him my anger and resentment or give him a proper chance to address the issues. I also rewrote history a bit to make issues bigger.

 

3. I thought it was my H's job to make me happy. And when he wasn't, I looked elsewhere to fill in the gaps. I put pressure on my H to be perfect, pressure he didn't even know he was under, and didn't deserve. Now, I know, the only person responsible for my happiness is me. I also know that I will not pursue my happiness at the expense of someone else. I got to this point by learning to be grateful for everything I have (which, after almost losing it all, I am every day) and to also communicate clearly with my H when I am having trouble. I turn TOWARD him rather than AWAY because we are in this together.

 

Other things included reframing past experiences, learning healthier coping skills (like the turning toward my H mentioned above). But these were my main takeaways and things that I still think about today, almost ten years after d-day.

 

Because to me reconciliation and recovery from my bad choices is a journey and not a destination. My actions will always be with me and I will continue to learn from them in order to live a healthier and more authentic life.

 

I wrote a thread over five years ago now about my story and reconciliation if you're interested. Other posters asked some thoughtful questions that may help too:

 

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/421926-my-story-fww

[Dissapointing]

I was lonely in my M. My W has always been wonderful to me but it got to the point where I felt she was uninterested in me. We got along great, we almost never fought, but I just felt like I was there to take care of finances and house chores. I felt worthless and ugly. I expressed my concern to my W multiple times but she never took it seriously.

 

I always thought the MW was very attractive but it never concerned me until she started taking an interest in me. As soon as that happened, I was in deep trouble. She made me feel important, attractive, and interesting.

 

My actions were no fault of my W or the MW. I alone am responsible for the boundaries I didn’t set and for my behavior. My W and I are working through things but I honestly still feel alone most of the time. I do know though that I love my W and she is not the type of person you could ever get over losing and I will fight for my M. I pray every day that I won’t make the same mistake again.

[Lotus_Luna]

I was lonely in my M. My W has always been wonderful to me but it got to the point where I felt she was uninterested in me. We got along great, we almost never fought, but I just felt like I was there to take care of finances and house chores. I felt worthless and ugly. I expressed my concern to my W multiple times but she never took it seriously.

 

I always thought the MW was very attractive but it never concerned me until she started taking an interest in me. As soon as that happened, I was in deep trouble. She made me feel important, attractive, and interesting.

 

My actions were no fault of my W or the MW. I alone am responsible for the boundaries I didn’t set and for my behavior. My W and I are working through things but I honestly still feel alone most of the time. I do know though that I love my W and she is not the type of person you could ever get over losing and I will fight for my M. I pray every day that I won’t make the same mistake again.

 

It nice to hear a man’s perspective. The MM I was involved with isn’t much like I see posted on here. I’m still not sure why he engaged me because it wasn’t abiuse sex or his ego. It’s nice to see that sometimes the OK is human and hurting too.

[Lotus_Luna]

This post might get moved, but I wanted WS opinions and it seems to be mostly BS on the Infidelity forum.

 

I know something we all must do to repair our marriages is to figure out how we got here in the first place. I am in the process of trying to do this, but if anyone out there has done a lot of the work and is willing to share: what did you find? My IC is ok, but I have a feeling she is not going to be hugely helpful in helping me dig deep for these answers.

 

So far what I have come up with is I am in love with (addicted? ugh, hate that word) to the feeling of infatuation and the early stages of romance. About six months prior to starting this EA I really got into reading romances, because if they were written well, it helped me relive those feelings (like, literally those emotions would physically wash over me). Or, I just have been really wanting to feel those emotions again, like when I was younger. I have also spent years tamping down my authentic sexual self (which is far more outgoing and adventurous than H) because H is so reserved and not very aggressive. For a long time I resented him for this, but then realized it's also my fault for giving up and not telling him what I want. I still haven't, but I'm hoping to get up the nerve eventually. There is obviously more going on that has to do with H, but that's about as far as I've gotten.

 

What did I discover?

 

God I reconnected with myself as a person. After years of abuse from my husband I was so broken. The MM helped me reconnect with the person I was before the toll of emotional abuse. I realized the toxicity of my marriage, I started fighting back. I fought HARD. It cost me the affair but it meant a safe home for me and my kids.

 

I realized I needed a better connection in my life. My husband is unable to address or meet my needs. I have tried for years and after the affair I gave him another chance to change. Ultimately he won’t be responsible for his mental and emotional health. I have stopped enabling his behavior and no longer ‘protect’ him from consequences.

 

I grew so much. I went from broken and abused woman to powerful and strong. I know what I want out of life and how to take care of my needs. I believe I am worthy again. I believe my children deserve better.

 

Unlike some, I don’t have a marriage worth saving. But I can be confident I truly tried to help it. I saw multiple therapists with him, several interventions, and gave us a lot of support. The affair The was straw that broke the camels back, I couldn’t go back to the abuse and neglect...

[Vivir]

I always understood why I chose to engage with a married man, but I dug deep during and following the affair so that I would not make such a costly decision ever again. On the surface, I had been extremely lonely and starved for affection. These made me vulnerable.

 

I have also been prone to fantasy since I was a teen, always wishing that my life in general might become better. As an adult, I used such fantasy thinking to imagine how my life could be better and then I would try to think of ways to make it happen. Either way, though, I had been living in the past or living in the future and NOT living in reality.

 

I made A LOT of assumptions and often projected my feelings onto others and did not understand proper boundaries.

 

I was used to dealing with emotionally unavailable men and not leaving men alone who had been obviously uninterested in me. I learned how and why I had pegged myself into the “less than” role and where the notion came from about why I had convinced myself that no one would want to be serious with me anyway because of X, Y, and Z. I hadn't given myself a chance to be accepted, and, in turn, I hadn’t given others a chance to accept or reject me.

 

I had not understood “real” relationships, and I still don’t… I have never actually been involved in a truly mutually fulfilling and monogamous adult relationship ever. But I learned a lot about boundaries over time. And I learned that people in committed relationships have a responsibility to their partners *because they agreed* to have a responsibility to their partners!

 

I have learned to meet problems head on; however, I had been conflict-avoidant to a degree and somewhat afraid to speak up in my own defense when it came to people that I liked that I wanted to like me back.

 

In my desperation, I became incredibly selfish and literally thought I could just borrow him for a little while, I could accept being a part-time lover AND I rationalized that what people don’t know won’t hurt them.

 

I learned that I was wrong on all counts. I hurt myself far, far worse than if I had just remained single and lonely and starved for affection. I have had to deal with this fallout and on top of that learn to deal more constructively with my still extreme loneliness. I hurt the married man and his family. AND my actions resulted in me losing out on an actual relationship with someone who was interested in me in real life (a man whose actions matched his words and he had been verifiably single).

 

I learned that it sucks to be the bad guy. As a single person, I have learned that I must be diligent in protecting my own mental and emotional state and that I must make conscious decisions about who I let into my life. I have to be accountable to me for all of the decisions that I make. I learned that people have a right to make decisions for their own lives and my rejection or acceptance of those decisions is irrelevant and vice versa.

Edited October 31, 2018 by Vivir

[jah526]

Vivir, this post. I can identify with pretty much all of it. You seem like a sensitive soul and you just need someone who knows how to appreciate it.

[misspalmy]

I like the attention he was giving me.