Thinking about ending a lonely marriage

[Lorelyrra]

I've been reading a lot of threads here and this seems like a great place to get advice, so...here goes nothing! (For reference, we're both women).

 

So, a little backstory: my wife and I met online in 2005 and became inseparable through chat. She lived in Canada and I was from the US so we couldn't meet up but we traded videos, pics, and phone calls. Fast-forward to 2008 and we're still super close, then she gets into a huge fight with my best friend (at the time) and stops speaking to both of us. Understandable now, as I was in an abusive, toxic friendship and she said she "couldn't watch me do this to myself anymore".

 

A few years later I'm out of that friendship and we make contact again in 2011. We reconnect immediately and within a few months she confesses that she was in love with me. I left my home in Indiana to move to upstate New York so we could give it a go and see what happened. (Confession: this is the first relationship I've ever been in.) We visited each other at least once a month and when she proposed in 2014 I said yes. We were married in June of 2015 but didn't start living together until October of 2016 due to me having to immigrate.

 

So now it's October of 2018 and I'm left feeling like I've made a huge mistake.

 

Through years of texting and chatting and phone calls, we knew we shared a lot of the same core beliefs and desires. On paper, we're a perfect match. But living together has pretty much stripped me of that belief. The longer we live together, the more I realize how opposite we are. I want to own a house, she wants to live in an apartment in the city basically forever. I want a dog eventually and my entire career focuses on pets, she doesn't like animals (even stating she only "tolerates" the two cats I brought with me). She doesn't like my family and never wants to go see them, but to me family is the most important thing. I have eleven nieces and nephews, most of them young, and it's killing me that I'm missing their lives, since at best I can only afford to go see them for a week or two once a year.

 

I left behind everyone and everything I loved to move here, only to find myself in a lonely, loveless marriage.

 

We're at the point now where we're roommates. We sit at our computers, back to back, headphones on, ignoring each other. We never do anything together, we don't go to bed at the same time (and when we sleep there's a pillow between us anyway). She has a lot of friends online and spends all her time with them. I've been going out more and more to avoid coming home. I've found myself fantasizing about moving back to be with my family, even going so far as to set up a budget and start shopping for houses online. I've spoken about it extensively with my mom and my sisters, all of whom want me to come back asap. They say I'm not myself when I'm with her and they miss how I used to be. The past few months I've been a depressed, anxiety-ridden mess.

 

She's shown some willingness to negotiate, but I'm so emotionally exhausted that I can't even be bothered to try anymore. I've found that I don't WANT to fix it anymore but then I feel like a horrible person, because we do still have good days sometimes. She's generally a good person and very supportive when I can get her to listen, but it feels like I married my best friend and we just stayed friends, never becoming anything else.

 

Please help? What would you do in my place? Keep trying or go with my gut and go home?

[Agent1]

I too am in a same-sex marriage, we are both women. I’m on the opposite end of you though, I was the one left. My suggestion would be to seek counseling AND to tell her exactly how you feel. Let her know what you need the changes to be and you are thinking of leaving if things don’t get better. People aren’t mind readers. With my wife, I knew we had issues but didn’t know they were so bad that she was thinking of leaving. Had i know, I would have began the process of making the changes - she never told me that. So, when she said she was leaving because of this or that, I started the process but it was too late. She checked out. Separation and divorce are extremely painful and involve a lot of aspects.. money, family, mutual friends, ect.

 

I believe that if two people love each other, they can be happy again. You BOTH have to accept your own faults and you both have to work on it. It is easy for a 2 woman relationship to become a friendship, it’s the nature of women. My wife was my absolute best friend but we were also a couple. The excitement did die down tho, and that was one of my issues I relayed to her. I wanted that intimacy back.

 

Is she willing to come to the US? I also recommend reading the 5 Love Languages, the actual book. It put things into perspective for me. Do you know what makes her feel loved? Do that, even if it isn’t something you’re comfortable with and vice verse.

[d0nnivain]

You both have to try to fix things. If she's unwilling to try, you can't fix it by yourself.

[Lorelyrra]

I too am in a same-sex marriage, we are both women. I’m on the opposite end of you though, I was the one left. My suggestion would be to seek counseling AND to tell her exactly how you feel. Let her know what you need the changes to be and you are thinking of leaving if things don’t get better. People aren’t mind readers. With my wife, I knew we had issues but didn’t know they were so bad that she was thinking of leaving. Had i know, I would have began the process of making the changes - she never told me that. So, when she said she was leaving because of this or that, I started the process but it was too late. She checked out. Separation and divorce are extremely painful and involve a lot of aspects.. money, family, mutual friends, ect.

 

I believe that if two people love each other, they can be happy again. You BOTH have to accept your own faults and you both have to work on it. It is easy for a 2 woman relationship to become a friendship, it’s the nature of women. My wife was my absolute best friend but we were also a couple. The excitement did die down tho, and that was one of my issues I relayed to her. I wanted that intimacy back.

 

Is she willing to come to the US? I also recommend reading the 5 Love Languages, the actual book. It put things into perspective for me. Do you know what makes her feel loved? Do that, even if it isn’t something you’re comfortable with and vice verse.

 

Thanks for the reply. She's not willing to move too far out of the downtown area as that's where her work is. Understandable, of course. The problem being that living in such a huge city is hard on me. I'm from a small town and even after two years here it's still draining.

 

Intimacy has always been an issue for us. In the interest of full disclosure: she's asexual and doesn't like to be touched much. I knew this going in and thought it would be alright. I'd never been in a relationship so I assumed I'd be fine with whatever she was comfortable with. Turns out I'm not and I feel too guilty to tell her.

 

I do want to try to make things work, I just don't know how. The only thing that seems to make her happy anymore is when she's on voice-chat with her friends online. Beyond that she doesn't do much besides work and sleep.

 

You're right, I do need to talk to her. I was planning to wait until after American Thanksgiving. I'm traveling alone to see my family and I want to be sure what I'm feeling isn't just extreme homesickness.

 

Thank you again!

[Mr. Lucky]

A few years later I'm out of that friendship and we make contact again in 2011. We reconnect immediately and within a few months she confesses that she was in love with me. I left my home in Indiana to move to upstate New York so we could give it a go and see what happened. (Confession: this is the first relationship I've ever been in.) We visited each other at least once a month and when she proposed in 2014 I said yes. We were married in June of 2015 but didn't start living together until October of 2016 due to me having to immigrate.

 

Seems like a direct result of having spent very little real time together before you married.

 

The issues you describe - lifestyle, pets, family, etc. - are normally ones discussed and negotiated in courtship. Someone can't just talk the talk, you get to see if they actually model the behaviors and traits important to you. As you're finding out, skip over this part of a relationship at your own risk.

 

Given the way you met, I'd have concerns with her priorities in online activities. If you're going to work on the marriage, you may have less time than you think...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Lotsgoingon]

I would propose marriage counseling.

 

If my partner refused, I would absolutely head for the exits.

 

Sounds miserable ... and sounds like you guys haven't found a way to complement each other ...

 

You guys are very different (note: here's a software patch you need to make in the future--screen for this) ... and yet you guys lack the ability to complement and appreciate the other's styles and values and needs ...

 

Not a great combination. Not sure I see the way out.

 

So I would say the question you want to ask yourself ... you can start this now and you certainly want to think about this later if you separate and divorce is: How did you MISS these stark and dramatic differences? That's the key to your learning from this experience.

 

One problem with long-distance relationships is that we often see people at their greatest-hits-happiest best ... and we don't see them outside of their performance when we're there. Also when we fall hard in love, our hormones and brain chemicals literally suppress our ability to think clearly and critically about the other person. So if you fall hard for someone, you still have to practice engaging the rational brain ... and almost making yourself look objectively at this other person because this is someone you will have to live with when the hormones and chemicals die down, as they inevitably do.

 

You sound very isolated ... and your partner doesn't appreciate your desire to connect with family. Not good ... Really not good! Unless our partner's family is completely dysfunctional, you want to encourage them to connect with family--especially with nieces and nephews and the like--who aren't controlling.

 

Does your partner have any ideas for the next step for you guys?

 

Answering your question directly, I would try a few conversations more with my partner, and if nothing changes, I'd definitely consider divorce. Any chance you can go visit your family soon? Would be great idea even if you have to borrow money from them to do so! Time with them would provide perspective.

 

You'll know pretty quickly when you see your family if you're ready to leave the relationship and return to the area where your family lives. Sounds like you're starving--emotionally starving--and you need the nourishment of your family. Totally reasonable.

[Insoc]

If you think there is hope, marriage counseling is an option I wish I did months ago. Thing is, the both of you have to agree to it and if they are not aware there is issues or that you want to split, don't be surprised because I was the same way, but my Wife never suggested counseling either. If you feel your heart isn't in it, and no amount of counseling will help, then you have to make a tough decision, but really think it over.

 

My Wife made a decision to take advantage of me and was doing things online behind my back for the past few months, I have mixed emotions and don't want to break up our marriage, then there are days when I want to he free. I'm the one that is having a hard time, she seems to have flipped a switch saying it's been in decline for 2+ years, I said to her, why didn't you speak up and not beat around the bush about it. It took me to find out what she was doing to knock over the first domino to the d word.

 

Right after that, I have not seen much tears, or sadness, I feel kicked to the curb, but I never felt I was that horrible of a spouse, she is just a narcissist at this point, I never even got "I'm sorry". it's like I look into her eyes and the person I knew was not there and I don't think she is coming back. Divorce is messy and will be expensive for us, our state also is community property so she will bear the burden as welll and I don't think reality has hit her yet. I'm preparing to downsize considerably.

 

Of course money cannot make a happy marriage, but if your union splitting means hard finanical times and a tough road ahead on top of the pain and emotional loss (some people don't seem to show it <---my wife).

 

If you have feelings of it being over, be honest with your other half, don't lead them on or make them think otherwise, I think being played and then seeing no emptathy or remorse is the hardest thing I'm dealing with now.

 

I do suggest counseling, that way you can say you tried and will never look back in regret that you didn't. I think having a mediator between a couple telling them both what they are doing wrong is worth a try. Just don't wait till it's too late.

[Lorelyrra]

How did you MISS these stark and dramatic differences? That's the key to your learning from this experience.

...

You sound very isolated ... and your partner doesn't appreciate your desire to connect with family. Not good ... Really not good! Unless our partner's family is completely dysfunctional, you want to encourage them to connect with family--especially with nieces and nephews and the like--who aren't controlling.

 

Does your partner have any ideas for the next step for you guys?

 

Answering your question directly, I would try a few conversations more with my partner, and if nothing changes, I'd definitely consider divorce. Any chance you can go visit your family soon? Would be great idea even if you have to borrow money from them to do so! Time with them would provide perspective.

 

You'll know pretty quickly when you see your family if you're ready to leave the relationship and return to the area where your family lives. Sounds like you're starving--emotionally starving--and you need the nourishment of your family. Totally reasonable.

 

Looking back, I think we missed these lifestyle differences because we kind of skimmed over them. We delved super deep into emotions and dreams and all this abstract stuff that we clicked on so completely that the everyday trappings of actual reality didn't even enter into it. We just assumed we felt the same way. We may have touched on it briefly, but also...this was years ago. I know I've grown and changed from the person I was when we met and I was 20 and confused. Now I'm 32 and wanting to settle.

 

My family IS a little crazy (there are so many of us it's hard not to be) but it's just how we are. Her family is really small and insular, with few children and most relatives being quite old, so I know it's a drastic change for her. She's very "one and done" with everybody. If she feels someone has wronged her once, she's done with them forever. No grudges, just...no second chances.

 

I'm going to see my family in about three weeks. I'm going to stay for a few days and see if I can figure out my feelings. I know I miss them so much it physically hurts me sometimes, so hopefully being around them will dull the ache and I can sort through everything.

 

Thank you for the advice!

[David33]

Counseling can work but it's not a guarantee. Sounds like you're where a lot of people are and you have a decision to make. Can you give up what you want to make the marriage work, can you get what you want another way that fulfills you or is it over? Tough choices for sure. Only you can make that choice. I wish you the best.

[Simple Logic]

You ask if you should go back to Indiana or stay and try to fix things. I think you should go back to Indiana and try to fix things. The two of you obviously communicate very well when you are apart and dont communicate well in person.

 

Tell you you are going home for a while and not ready to toss in the towel yet.