My friend believes I'm crazy

[LoveFlower2018]

Hello all,

I have had a relationship for over 10 years and last year I met someone else. We started having an affair and I ended up leaving my boyfriend (who I will refer to as B) for him. After a few months, I noticed that he was not what I was looking for so it ended as well.

 

My best friend was really judgmental about it all. Ofcourse I know very well that the affair was really bad and wrong. I wish I could turn back the clock but unfortunately it happened. My boyfriend did not deserve that and it is one of the biggest mistakes I have ever made. I will never ever do that to somebody again..

 

B did not know about the affair but for him, I was the one and he was heartbroken. He always hoped I would come back and he always believed this was just a phase. He believes that he and I are made for each other.

 

So.. after my affair I also learned to appreciate B a whole lot more. He is really the sweetest, best man I can ever wish for. So since 2/3 months, he and I are taking it slow, I live 50/50 at "our" appartement and at my parents place. We went on vacation and everything is going really well. My best friend was always very judgmental and said I can never go back to him because of what I did to him. So I was afraid telling her I'm trying it with him, I'm afraid she might tell him about my affair.

 

Last week I had be hospitalized because of problems with my uterus. I lost a lot of blood and texted her about it. She responded very strange; how could I be in the hospital so fast, How could I be helped so fast etc. She asked if she should come over when I was released but I told her no thank you because I could not come off the toilet (I was losing tons of blood). I told her I was at my parents' place but I was at my own appartment with my boyfriend.

 

Around 10pm she texted me that she was at my parents place with her boyfriend (I thought that was kind of strange, her coming with her new boyfriend who I have never seen while I'm having uterus problems which is a private thing and I could only sit on the toilet) and rang the door but no one was there. I told her I was getting sanitary towels and would be home in a few minutes. I left my apartment, drove there and nobody was there. She told me she and her boyfriend left already.

 

We had planned to meet up the next day but I canceled because I kept fainting and felt really bad because of the blood loss. She responded very annoyed, told me that she needed me because she was very sad about something and if I could pretty please come over. I ended up ordering a taxi (stupid me).

 

She was there with another friend and she told me she was very worried because I lied so much. She told me she already thought I was back with B and that she was parked in front of my apartment when she texted me. She and her boyfriend had seen me leave the apartment, get in my car and drive to my parents place. She had filmed me! I was shocked. I thought this was a very big invasion of my privacy and I was shocked she openly admitted to stalking me in such a way.

 

She told me she did not believe about my uterus problems, she did not believe I just got a tattoo (I showed her - I actually did), she told me that when we went out together and she got very sick, she believed I had drugged her. I was really shocked about all these false accusations. Horrified even!

I have been there for her always. I listened to all her problems, come over whenever she needed me, I always respected her and I have never judged her about anything.

 

I explained that indeed, I had not been honest about my current living situation and status with B because I was afraid of her judgement. I told her I felt that I needed to sort things out on my own, for myself without anyone else opinion involved and that I was sorry she felt betrayed. She got so angry and screamed at me, she was very manipulative and told me she wanted to see my hospital file because she did not believe I was sick. I actually was hospitalized the same night and need to have surgery tomorrow, it's actually very serious..

She told me she thought I had a lot of mental problems and should go to a shrink.

I was feeling so weak physically and so sick that I was not sharp, I was really being the underdog and tried desperately to make her believe me. I kept explaining myself and I feel really bad about it all.

Do I have the obligation to tell all about my personal life?

 

She told me that she would understand if I was back with B again and that I could honestly tell her... so I ended up telling her the whole truth. Then I was shocked that she got extremely angry and screamed at me that I was crazy and that she does not want to be friends with me anymore because I was not honest about B and that I should really think about what I did to him.

I felt so manipulated.. I felt so violated!

And of course I know it was very wrong.. I'm very sorry every day and I hate myself for doing that to him. Nobody has to tell me how bad it was.. I really know and I regret it every single day..

 

Now she is adding him on all social media (fb, insta, snapchat etc) and I am so worried that she will tell him about my affair.

She hardly even knows B, she maybe has seen him 3 times (I have only know her for 1,5 years).

 

I honestly believe that it is my business whom I having a relationship with and nobody has any right to pressure me like that and stalk me.

 

What do you think of a "friend" who treats me like that? I really feel like she invaded my privacy and has crossed a lot of boundaries. I'm actually constantly checking now if she is not in front of my apartment again..

Edited October 30, 2018 by LoveFlower2018

[Normm]

It's rather concerning that you kept the affair from your boyfriend. You're living a lie, having deceived him in the worst possible way and all you're concerned with is whether your friend will tell on you. Your actions, while perhaps not consistent with a crazy person, are those of a compulsive liar.

[anika99]

You're friend sounds nuts and you should drop her immediately. Stalking you and filming you just for the sake of catching you in a lie is very weird and disturbed behaviour for a friend. You should tell her that if she ever does that again you will go to the authorities and charge her with harassment or stalking or whatever applies here.

 

 

But you have to start being honest with your boyfriend and tell him the truth. You mention a couple of times that your friend is manipulative but you are also manipulative when it comes to your boyfriend. You know the truth but you are keeping him living in a lie just for the sake of manipulating him back into the relationship while protecting yourself. That is selfish manipulative behaviour. If you are just going to build your relationship on a lie then why even bother? Just break up with him again if you can't be honest with him. Most likely your friend is going to tell him anyways.

[BettyDraper]

Your friend is projecting because she is the one who seems mentally ill.

The affair was awful but one does not need to be "crazy" to have an affair.

[LoveFlower2018]

It's rather concerning that you kept the affair from your boyfriend. You're living a lie, having deceived him in the worst possible way and all you're concerned with is whether your friend will tell on you. Your actions, while perhaps not consistent with a crazy person, are those of a compulsive liar.

 

 

You really think I'm a compulsive liar because I've had an affair? Of course I do know it was wrong in every possible way. As I said, it is one of the biggest mistakes I have ever made and I will never do anything like that ever, ever again. I learned my lesson and I mean that from the bottom of my heart.

I would say it was very selfish, heartless and dumb.. but a compulsive liar?

Edited October 30, 2018 by LoveFlower2018

[Normm]

You really think I'm a compulsive liar because I've had an affair?

 

 

You haven't told your boyfriend about the affair, isn't that right? You're living a lie and you don't have a problem with it. That's a problem right there.

[LoveFlower2018]

You haven't told your boyfriend about the affair, isn't that right? You're living a lie and you don't have a problem with it. That's a problem right there.

 

I'm not sure about that. I am actually talking about this with a therapist. I don't know what makes you think I do not have a problem with it, I actually really do. I feel really guilty and about it and I hate myself for it, every single day.

 

My therapist told me that telling about an affair is rather selfish because you will tell your partner only to relieve yourself from guilt and you will hurt the other person by telling. She told me she thinks I should keep it to myself and live with that burden as a punishment and learn from it.

 

But yeah.. I do feel what you are saying here and I probably will tell him because I really do not want to be living a lie.

[Normm]

My therapist told me that telling about an affair is rather selfish because you will tell your partner only to relieve yourself from guilt and you will hurt the other person by telling.

 

 

Interesting. I never heard that given as a reason not to tell. It's usually about fear of consequences such as the betrayed partner kicking the cheater to the curb. That might be a good subject for another thread. "as the betrayed partner would you want to know?". If it was me, I sure as hell would.

[preraph]

You need to kick your crazy "friend" out of your life, block her from your phone, block her from all your social media. She's way out of bounds. This is a personal thing between you and your boyfriend. He has to suspect you had an affair. Most guys assume that as soon as you break up with them.

 

I know what you mean about the uterus thing. Not sure it's what happened to me, but something happened to me a few years ago similar and my gyn was out on vacation. He said it wasn't a big deal and was common enough when he got back, but man, it was scary not knowing what was going on. Your friend is a real jerk -- and she IS going to tell him. She may even try to get money from you and hold it over your head. Don't let her do that. If she tries it, call the police. You might need a restraining order on her.

 

I can only imagine your bf would be relieved to know it was an affair that didn't last as some explanation why you left, but yes, it's going to open a can of worms and it may not have the outcome you hope for. Your therapist is right, except that this nasty woman is going to meddle and make matters worse. She didn't count on that, I guess.

[CC12]

I mean, you are lying to your friend a lot. You're probably lying to your boyfriend a lot, too, and not just about the affair. Like, what did you tell him when you left your apartment to go meet your friend at your parent's house? You wouldn't have told him that you're lying to your friend about living with him because then he'd ask why in the world you're lying about it. I saw that your therapist suggested that you not tell him about the affair, but have you explained how regularly you're having to lie to keep it all secret? It's probably not a good way to live your life.

 

For your friend to wait outside of your place and concoct some scenario to get you to leave your apartment and then film you is pretty out there, but I imagine she suspected you of lying and just wanted some concrete proof before ending your friendship. I don't think it's that crazy. I'm sure she felt manipulated and violated, too.

 

And as far as accusing you of lying about your health problems and other things, well, when you know for a fact that someone is lying about something pretty big, you start questioning everything they've ever told you.

[stillafool]

There is too much lying going on in your life. Why would you even leave your house if you couldn't get off the toilet to cover a lie? Your friendship has run it's course and be sure that your bf will uncover your lies as well and soon that will be over too.

[healing light]

You need to come clean with your boyfriend ASAP about the affair and about what happened with the friend the other day. This woman is nuts and if he decides to stay with you, he needs to also protect his information from her. You need to tell him all of it because if she's half as crazy as your post made her sound, she will tell him all of it and then some. It will be WAY worse trying to unscrew whatever comes out of her mouth if she gets to him first than if you give him the exact picture of how things went down.

 

Also, I agree on the restraining order if she is ever in front of your place again, etc. Delete and block her everywhere (but first tell your boyfriend so she doesn't disclose as retribution!).

 

I have heard the therapist's line before but on other forums, not through professionals. I think it is so bizarre that a mental health professional who is supposed to help you with your overall wellbeing would advise you to "live with the punishment" and not disclose the truth so that you can both process the events and build a relationship based on honesty.