Working on reconciliation and ran into an obstacle

[Mbossy22]

This is a strange one. I moved out of my house 5 months ago with the intention of it being permanent. My wife was pretty devastated. We’d been together for 18 years. Married for 10. Three kids together. Think we kind of just lost each other because work, kids etc. neglected our relationship.

 

After a few months I started to let myself feel the loss. I started to realize so much of why things went bad were on me. I used to put most of the blame on my wife. And I also realized we didn’t try before calling it quits.

 

So about a month ago I asked her to talk and asked her if this is what she really wanted. We decided to get back together. We’re going to marriage counseling. We’re going individually to therapists. We’re talking more than we have in a long time and we’re spending as much time together as we can. It’s been good. We got back the hope we lost and are confident we’ll be able to keep this up and have a better marriage than we did before.

 

So....before I asked her to get back together I decided I didn’t want to know anything about what went on. We were separated and on our way to divorce. Anyway, a few weeks ago I found out by accident that about two months after I moved out she was using a dating app. Then a month or so later she had sex with someone. Someone she didn’t even know that long. I know this should not be an issue because we were not together. But it’s driving me crazy. Consuming me. At times I feel I think about that and nothing else. She told me that she didn’t think there was a chance we’d get back together. I didn’t want her so she wanted to find someone that did. She said maybe she was trying to prove to herself that she could move on and it may have been a little quick.

 

I don’t know why I’m so torn up over this. My wife has always been very private and guarded. I don’t know how she could open herself up to someone so quickly. I think they knew each other for like two weeks beforehand.

 

Anyway, it’s not cheating. I know that. But it feels like a betrayal.

 

I’m working on letting it go. I know I need to if we’re going to work on us. I love her, always did. Just think I didn’t know HOW to love her.

[d0nnivain]

It happened. There is no getting around that fact. Since logically you understand it was not cheating because you were divorcing, try putting it out of your mind & sort of pretending that it didn't happen. At the very least you have to repeatedly tell yourself he doesn't matter. She has re-chosen to be with you & that is what is important. Also talk to your individual therapist about it.

[GinON]

I wonder if knowing is better than wondering for the rest of your life if something happened during that time. Just at thought, but also remember that unless you guys were virgins, this happened before you got married in the first place.

[changingmale]

Maybe she feels bad about the situation with that guy. You said you did not want to know anything about what happened when you 2 was separated. I am sure it hurts and bothers you but you was the one who left

Edited October 31, 2018 by changingmale

[Agent1]

I am not trying to be rude or insensitive when I say this BUT you dumped her essentially. That crap hurts like something fierce. You led her to believe that she needed to move on from you and you weren't coming back. So, she did.... at least for a night.

 

Just talk to her about the counselor and move forward. You wanted to live without her and that includes her being with other people. Yeah, I know it sucks but try to put it out of your mind and focus on your new marriage.

[anika99]

You walking out on her 5 months ago was probably a huge hit to her self esteem and also very traumatic for her. Sometimes when people are dealing with rejection they take comfort where they can find it. Some people might turn to drinking, some might start shopping excessively and some might find comfort in the arms of stranger.

 

I have to ask, did you date during the separation?

[Mbossy22]

I understand what both of the previous posters are saying. yes, I left her. but plenty of times during our marriage she would tell me how she was leaving and that she was going to find someone that treats her better etc. i don't think she ever really wanted to leave. i think she was trying to get my attention.

 

when i approached her about the possibility of working toward getting back together i told myself not to worry about what went on when we weren't together. and then i found out anyway pretty much on accident.

 

yes i went on a few dates when we weren't together.

 

i'm trying to figure out what bothers me so much about this. i left. i moved an hour away. i know she had no hope that we'd get back together.

 

she's always been this very guarded, reserved, private person especially when it comes to sex. i don't even think she ever talked to her best friend about our sex life. so for her to meet someone, text for a week or so, go on one date then a week later have sex with him........i don't know.

 

we've talked about it a little. she said i didn't want her any more so she wanted to find someone that did. she wasn't looking for anything serious, just someone to spend time with. she said maybe she was trying to prove to herself that she could move on, maybe quicker than she should have.

 

maybe i feel threatened in a way. in 18 years that's one thing i never had to worry about. she's honest and loyal. i know moving forward she wouldn't cheat (and yes, it's not like she cheated to begin with. we were separated on our way to divorce). she's assured me she's the same person she's always been, but happier and feels better about herself. tells me she loves me and says all she wanted was a happy life with me. says the couple months break was good.

 

and yes, i know she wasn't a virgin when we met but that feels different because i didn't know she existed until we met. maybe i just need to think about it liked that. it's the thought of her being with someone else and jumping in so quickly that drives me crazy even though i know it shouldn't.

 

i talked to my therapist about it. she says it's understandable to feel like that even though i feel like a huge hypocrite.

 

all kinds of crazy emotions and feelings going on.

 

anyway, thanks for the replies. i will be able to get past it because we are both ready to be better partners and are taking the steps to make sure that happens. both taking ownership of what was our part in the relationship going south. both are taking steps to change those things.

 

we both started reading the 5 love languages book. it was right there in front of me the whole time. she wanted me to spend quality time with her and pay attention to her. she worked as a sub so not much at all. i had a crazy commute to have my good job........i used to think commuting, going to work, helping with the kids and maintaining the house was all i should do and that should be good enough. well, i found out i was totally wrong and was a pretty crappy partner. looking to change that.

 

anyway, thanks again. sorry for rambling.

[Mbossy22]

One thing I forgot to add, don't know if it matters or not, but her best friend (who happened to have a very serious affair for a long time) was putting crap in my wife's head that she's sure that I had to cheat on her several times WHICH I DIDN'T. So I'm sure that didn't help matters. Plus this friend was encouraging her to move on right away and get on dating apps.

[anika99]

did you have sex with any of your dates?

[Mbossy22]

No. Most of mine were one date and that was it.

 

Why do you ask? because then i would have moved on quickly too and how can i question how she did? i totally get that.

 

i still can't help how i feel. it may not even be the fact that she did it so fast. maybe it's just the thought of her being with someone else tears me up. i don't know.

[anika99]

Yeah, truthfully I was wondering if you were holding your wife to different standards than you hold yourself to.

 

I think your feelings are understandable. We can't help how we feel and feelings are neither right or wrong. They just are.

 

Honestly I think your wife was just acting out of pain and rejection. As you say, she thought you were never coming back and she was deeply hurt. Also if this was her first hook up after years of being faithful to you, it probably wasn't even great sex. Your wife most likely felt awkward and uncomfortable. I know that knowing this doesn't make your feelings go away though. I think it will just take time. It's great that you are getting counselling.

Edited November 2, 2018 by anika99

[Normm]

I totally get why it bothers you that your wife slept with another guy. It's not the same thing as you and her having sex before you met. This time, you were separated, she was your wife, and she's "your property" regardless of the fact that there was not a plan for reconciliation at that time. So she's "tainted", she gave herself to another guy and it's never going to be the same. I honestly don't know how you're ever going to get the point that it's not going to fester in the back of your head and be there whenever you're intimate with her, and at times even when you're not.

[Mbossy22]

I guess I need to tell myself that I initiated the separation. I moved an hour away. I filed for divorce. So how can I be mad or upset with her for attempting to move on.

 

She did say it was very weird and awkward. Said she just wanted to home and get loaded. Also, when I approached her about reconciling she told me a few days prior she caught herself starting to tear up because she missed me.

 

I have no doubt we are the right path now. We’re going to get it right this time around. So I’m not going to let this fester and do my best to move forward and have an awesome marriage.

[just1looking2]

I guess I need to tell myself that I initiated the separation. I moved an hour away. I filed for divorce. So how can I be mad or upset with her for attempting to move on.

 

She did say it was very weird and awkward. Said she just wanted to home and get loaded. Also, when I approached her about reconciling she told me a few days prior she caught herself starting to tear up because she missed me.

 

I have no doubt we are the right path now. We’re going to get it right this time around. So I’m not going to let this fester and do my best to move forward and have an awesome marriage.

 

 

Forgive her.......let it go. If you love her and want to be with her. Love is a gift you GIVE its not something you take. Think of your forgiveness as a gift you are giving. Something she needed at the time.

 

 

 

Its a pretty good bet you had or will find yourself in the same position at some point in life.

 

 

OR....you can let that thought own you, let it roll around in your head and grow and fester....making her feel bad, making her "pay" wont do anything to bring you closer, its like an aspirin, it will give you "temporary" relief while causing a new problem.

 

You said it all right.....you initiated, she was easing her pain and lonliness, people are entitled to their own methods and timetables.

 

 

If you do this she will very well love you and respect you more than before

 

 

Best

[Mbossy22]

I mean I don’t think I need to forgive her. I had filed for divorce before this happened so she really didn’t do anything wrong. She sees it that as well. I’m not at all making her pay. I’m torturing myself but it’s slowly getting better.

[olivetree]

First, I understand why your wife sleeping with another man bothers you.

You were only each other's for two decades and now you can no longer say that.

 

I would like to put this in perspective for you though.

You left her. Abandoned the marriage.

That is exponentially more painful and traumatic.

And yet she is choosing to forgive you and try again.

She is choosing you over all others.

 

So try to be thankful that she is putting that behind her so you can be together and do the same.

 

And further, if she still feels pain over you leaving and tells you about it, express your remorse each time and reassure her, the way she is reassuring you about her sleeping with someone else even though she was in her rights to do so.