Horse with no Name Posted October 31, 2018 Share Posted October 31, 2018 We dated back when we were teenagers. Broke up in 2011. I dated a few more people then moved out of state. Met up with her when she was visiting near me about 5 years ago. It felt good then. We hung out and kissed a few times. We lost contact shortly after the visit though. I had given up relationships at that point though. I moved to a new state to start over and wanted to devote all my time to bettering myself and having a good time. Additionally, having a family and settling down does not appeal to me, so it was an easy decision to give up relationships and by extension sex. Well, I ended up moving back to my home state about a year ago. Didn't tell a lot of people, I sorta dropped off the radar when I moved away so I lost contact with all of my friends. She (my ex) called me a few days ago. It made me really happy. She didn't know that I was back in town. She's also living in another state but will be moving back to town in a few weeks. She's been married and divorced, had some health issues, really just a rough 5 years. We've been talking a lot. So many old emotions are coming back up. We're flirting and whatnot like we never stopped talking. But... I can't shake some really awful feelings. I really enjoy talking to her, but for some reason I resent her for calling me. I had completely moved on and hadn't thought about her in quite some time. I've been happy being alone and working/enjoying my free time. She just decided to pop back into my life. I understand that she probably wants reassurance and comfort during a difficult time. I had a full blown panic attack last night. I snapped at her and basically said that I was fine before she called me. I backed off a bit, apologized and said that I'm just struggling with all of the emotions associated with the situation. I was in a fog. I felt drunk even though I hadn't had a drop. Took a nap on my floor... I just shut down. Have I just been ignoring this emotional set for too long and now I can't handle it? I don't think that she's a bad person and talking to her is exciting and somehow intimate. I just... I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to see her, another part wants to crawl under a rock and hide for a long time. Additionally, my parents think I'm strange for my lack of interest in women over the last 6 years. They're passively pressuring me into meeting her. "Be nice" they even told me to clean my sheets... I just... I feel trapped in this situation and I've never felt this way. I usually don't seek life advice on the internet, but I'm at a total loss and I needed to vent this all out. TL;DR. Ex contacted me after 5 years. I think about holding her and spending time with her and it makes me genuinely happy. I've been single by choice for a long time though and I'm seriously freaking out about it. Link to post Share on other sites
frigginlost Posted October 31, 2018 Share Posted October 31, 2018 Well, first things first. Take a deep a breath, relax, and realize that you are completely normal. The feelings you are feeling are absolutely normal and you touched on why in your post. Emotionally you never really "got over" her. You did everything right in rebuilding and moving on, but there was never a complete cut of your emotional attachment to her. Some folks take years, and years, to cut that line. Some never do. Her coming back into your life has brought a ton of emotion you buried long ago back to the front of your thought process. The good times, and the bad times. You're trying to process what turn happens next on the roller coaster and it is causing you massive anxiety. Hurt does that, and since you were hurt by her, you're trying to walk on the safe side of the street. You have to tell yourself that there are no guarantees in life and adapt your feelings to that. If she is someone you can absolutely trust again, then see where it goes. But, if any part of you does not trust her intentions or what you think of her and what she did in the past, then you're better off leaving her in your past. Tough position, but we have all been there. :-) Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 31, 2018 Share Posted October 31, 2018 Calm down. This is nothing to have a panic attack. The girl you dated with you were a teen finds herself moving back to the town where you both grew up & called you out of nostalgia only to find you live there too. 5 years ago you two had a pleasant albeit short reconciliation but couldn't keep it together due to distance. Now you may finally be in a place where as adults you can determine if there is a chance. Even if there is no romance now, you have a shared history. That is a solid foundation for a friendship. At my 25th HS reunion I reconnected with my HS BF. Him & my husband get along well so the couples occasionally hang out. Go grab a drink with this living breathing link to your past & enjoy reminiscing. Don't put more pressure on yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Horse with no Name Posted October 31, 2018 Author Share Posted October 31, 2018 Well, first things first. Take a deep a breath, relax, and realize that you are completely normal. The feelings you are feeling are absolutely normal and you touched on why in your post. Emotionally you never really "got over" her. You did everything right in rebuilding and moving on, but there was never a complete cut of your emotional attachment to her. Some folks take years, and years, to cut that line. Some never do. Her coming back into your life has brought a ton of emotion you buried long ago back to the front of your thought process. The good times, and the bad times. You're trying to process what turn happens next on the roller coaster and it is causing you massive anxiety. Hurt does that, and since you were hurt by her, you're trying to walk on the safe side of the street. You have to tell yourself that there are no guarantees in life and adapt your feelings to that. If she is someone you can absolutely trust again, then see where it goes. But, if any part of you does not trust her intentions or what you think of her and what she did in the past, then you're better off leaving her in your past. Tough position, but we have all been there. :-) I think that she has good intentions, but they are different from mine. She want kids and a house. I don't. Things have just gone 0-60 so fast since she called. Talking to her makes me so happy, but then I end up feeling miserable. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 31, 2018 Share Posted October 31, 2018 Don't feel miserable. Make sure she knows you still don't want kids of a house but you can still be friends. Perhaps you can introduce each other to people who will be better romantic matches. By seeing her you are not committing to having kids. Chill Link to post Share on other sites
frigginlost Posted October 31, 2018 Share Posted October 31, 2018 I think that she has good intentions, but they are different from mine. She want kids and a house. I don't. Things have just gone 0-60 so fast since she called. Talking to her makes me so happy, but then I end up feeling miserable. That's your gut telling you you're not compatible with her. Your anxiety is being caused by you fighting what you already know. You both want two different things and these are not minor things. They are major, and things that neither of you would be able to bury. As d0nnivain said, you can still be friends. In fact, it's possible that you can be life long friends. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted October 31, 2018 Share Posted October 31, 2018 Go out with her but understand she is looking for an emotional shoulder because of her last year so expect only a one way friendship out of her. She might become high maintenance because of the time she will consume but you can control it all. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts