He disgusts me

[Lotus_Luna]

Been married almost 12 years. It’s been subpar most of that time. Husband suffers from depression, anxiety, borderline personality and possibly Bi polar. He won’t see a psychologist for exact diagnosis so I’m trusting what other professionals unofficially think is happening.

 

He’s been abusive towards me on and off for most of the marriage. Mostly emotionally and verbally. Physically and sexuallly a few times.

 

He was a workaholic so I’ve been on my own for the last 8 years.

 

I had an affair and come forward with it. In hopes we could fix what wasn’t working. I came down on the abuse and told him he HAD to get help if we were to move forward.

 

It’s been a year and I can’t seem to forgive him. He’s trying but struggles with accountability and self care. We’re now seeing a THIRD therapist to address our issues with co parenting and communication.

 

He still loves me. I feel a lot of social pressure to stay due to my religious background and ‘for the kids’.

 

I don’t feel anything romantic towards him. I don’t enjoy him as a person. He physically revolts me. I cry durning and after sex. I’m happiest when he’s gone.

 

Like, how do you recover from that?!

 

I’m trying to get myself into a position to leave. But i don’t know if I can deal with the guilt associated with ending it. I’ll always be the one who ‘cheated’ and will live with that stigma. He will never own his abuse and accountability. The poor kids will suffer most of all.

[stillafool]

I don't understand. You say you stay due to religious reasons and the kids; but you had an affair. Does your religion approve of affairs? I'm sorry for your abuse but you were abusive as well by having an affair. Since marriage counseling isn't working, you can't stand him anymore, file for divorce. It hurts the kids a lot more being in a unhealthy household.

[Lotus_Luna]

I don't understand. You say you stay due to religious reasons and the kids; but you had an affair. Does your religion approve of affairs? I'm sorry for your abuse but you were abusive as well by having an affair. Since marriage counseling isn't working, you can't stand him anymore, file for divorce. It hurts the kids a lot more being in a unhealthy household.

 

The affair was not approved. I came forward with it to everyone... I wanted to move forward because I felt guilty about the impact it had on my faith.

Having an affair isn’t abusive. It’s deceitful, it’s breaking a vow, it’s hurtful but it’s not abuse.

 

Being pushed into a mattress while he has his way with you because your his wife and he ‘owns’ you is abuse. Telling him you had an inappropriate friendship with another man that ended up with a kiss isn’t abuse.

 

I’d love to file for divorce. But I can’t rely on him to pay anything, so i’m having to change careers and get myself into a position to be able to provide for my family by myself.

 

I’m very concerned about the kids. That’s the reason we’re back in therapy to help him learn how to parent. With the bevline of his mental health hisnparenting skills have totally fallen apart. I’m hoping he might make some changes. I feel the best case scenario is he can have a healthy relationship with them as they age and co parent peacefully with me.

 

Thus far he chooses to create conflict and play victim to his actions.

[Arris]

How are you guys trying to reconcile?

 

 

Sounds like you guys are trying to dive right back to how things were while throwing out the bad things.

 

 

If sex is making you cry, stop. Slow everything back down.

 

 

Don't rush into this thinking you can get everything back over night, or that if he stops being abusive it'll be ok again.

 

 

I'm not sure of the steps you need to take or where to start, but I can offer my opinion. You have 2 major issues, your affair and his abusiveness. I think it all starts there, but tackle one at a time, over time. Maybe you need to bounce between the two because I'm sure you feel his abusiveness was an excuse to have an affair. First let me say, there is no excuse for affairs and you need to see this. No matter what he does, it's still your marriage and even if he doesn't honor it well, you need to because those are your beliefs. Plus, if you acknowledge something was wrong with him, you should have been putting your energy there instead of with someone else.

As far as the abuse, it sounds pretty bad and if he doesn't take it seriously you probably should be prepared to file. He absolutely must take responsibility for his actions and know you are someone to love and cherish and that there is no room to treat you any less.

So both of you must take responsibility for your own actions and be willing to be honest, open and listen to one another. It's almost going to be like starting over, only you have issues to work through first.

In this time, neither of you should be trying to hold something over the other ones head. If you are willing, this is about understanding, taking action and healing. It's going to take time, patience and a willingness to change.

The kids are a very real reason to try. So long as you guys stop all destructive behavior. You may still argue, you're going to have emotions, but it has to be constructive. If things start feeling like one of you are hitting a wall, let the other know and stop for the day and turn your attention over to what you both can do with the kids.

 

 

Listen to each other and figure out what each of you can do to move on from the affair and the abuse. Be fair and honest. Try not to use words that place blame on the other, it's not about making the other feel bad or sorry. It's about growing and understanding.

[bathtub-row]

He deserved to be cheated on, as far as I’m concerned. Sexually abused you? I have a very low opinion of abusers and I can tell you from experience and research that they’re incapable of change. He disgusts you because he’s disgusting. If your religion thinks you should stay in an abusive marriage, then find a new religion. You’re not doing your kids any favors by staying with this person.

[Lotus_Luna]

I'm not sure of the steps you need to take or where to start, but I can offer my opinion. You have 2 major issues, your affair and his abusiveness. I think it all starts there, but tackle one at a time, over time. Maybe you need to bounce between the two because I'm sure you feel his abusiveness was an excuse to have an affair. First let me say, there is no excuse for affairs and you need to see this. No matter what he does, it's still your marriage and even if he doesn't honor it well, you need to because those are your beliefs. Plus, if you acknowledge something was wrong with him, you should have been putting your energy there instead of with someone else.

As far as the abuse, it sounds pretty bad and if he doesn't take it seriously you probably should be prepared to file. He absolutely must take responsibility for his actions and know you are someone to love and cherish and that there is no room to treat you any less.

So both of you must take responsibility for your own actions and be willing to be honest, open and listen to one another. It's almost going to be like starting over, only you have issues to work through first.

In this time, neither of you should be trying to hold something over the other ones head. If you are willing, this is about understanding, taking action and healing. It's going to take time, patience and a willingness to change.

The kids are a very real reason to try. So long as you guys stop all destructive behavior. You may still argue, you're going to have emotions, but it has to be constructive. If things start feeling like one of you are hitting a wall, let the other know and stop for the day and turn your attention over to what you both can do with the kids.

 

On some level Inwanted to excuse my behavior with his.

 

I own it now. His actions never gave me permission to act out. The affair isn’t excusable but understandable.

 

I spent a long time trying to get him help. I saw two therapists with him. I reached out to others to help. He just wouldn’t apply anything. I still struggled to be honest with what inwas dealing with.

 

Victims of abuse deny and normalize behavior to survive. I was surviving for a long time. I kept excusing it and coming up with reasons why it wasn’t so bad.

 

When I had the emotional affair I came to realize HOW toxic he was. And I started fighting back. But he continued to justify that I was the reason why he acted out.

 

Since then I’ve called the cops on him, the therapist has filed and we’ve had a neighbor talk to him. He’s been in therapy for over a year and we’re now with a third therapist in an attempt to curb his ego. Because his intent is always ‘good’ he doesn’t see where he goes wrong.

 

I’m trying to work through my affair. It’s hard though because any information i gave him he uses against me. The OM and I have to see one another because our kids attend the same school. I offered to switch schools, husband refused. But now he will call me when I pick up or drop off go check in on me... then adds ‘Well it’s your faukt i have to call, you’re the lying cheater’...

 

I tell him that’s completely inappropriate and he says it’s my consequences.

 

Because he won’t leave, he just wants to control me. Take my phone, won’t let me talk to my therapist or friends about what he does.

 

I refuse to cooperate with that.

 

So I have asked we focus on co parenting in an agreeable way.

It’s our biggest source of conflict and a divorce won’t fix it. Bit going to therapy is rough on me emotionally because I have to deal with all my anger towards him.

Edited November 2, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Arris]

Well, I posted at the same time as your last post.

 

 

If he is forcefully hurting you, and physically forcing you to have sex that you feel like you're being raped, then you need to act. I'm keeping in mind that you don't feel you can do much and you have a plan to exit. That's fine, but if that's what's going on, it needs to end.

If he's kind of coercing you into sex and you are kind of giving in, then I don't know. You need to just tell him no more sex and let him know how it makes you feel.

Talk to a lawyer and find out your rights. Tell your lawyer the truth and be open. Talk to a few lawyers.

 

Your husband is supposed to be someone who walks with you in life and protects you. He is hurting you and it is not your duty as a wife to let him have his way.

If you want things to work out, then it's on him to change, but for it to work, you have to do it together once he fixes his abuse. There is no give in the abuse, it ends and that's on him.

[Lotus_Luna]

He deserved to be cheated on, as far as I’m concerned. Sexually abused you? I have a very low opinion of abusers and I can tell you from experience and research that they’re incapable of change. He disgusts you because he’s disgusting. If your religion thinks you should stay in an abusive marriage, then find a new religion. You’re not doing your kids any favors by staying with this person.

 

His behavior wasn’t approved either.. he was mad because our church was far more upset with his behavior then mine. He felt it’s wasnt fair I got off easy with some light counsel and he got reamed for his abuse.

 

I initially stayed because I had hoped he would change. He and I would start over and build a healthy marriage .

[Lotus_Luna]

Well, I posted at the same time as your last post.

 

 

If he is forcefully hurting you, and physically forcing you to have sex that you feel like you're being raped, then you need to act. I'm keeping in mind that you don't feel you can do much and you have a plan to exit. That's fine, but if that's what's going on, it needs to end.

If he's kind of coercing you into sex and you are kind of giving in, then I don't know. You need to just tell him no more sex and let him know how it makes you feel.

Talk to a lawyer and find out your rights. Tell your lawyer the truth and be open. Talk to a few lawyers.

 

Your husband is supposed to be someone who walks with you in life and protects you. He is hurting you and it is not your duty as a wife to let him have his way.

If you want things to work out, then it's on him to change, but for it to work, you have to do it together once he fixes his abuse. There is no give in the abuse, it ends and that's on him.

 

I’ve spoken to a lawyer and I have a restraining order ready to go if needed.

 

I wanted to bring up sex with our therapist. He doesn’t see anything wrong with his actions, I have talked to him over and over. I have taken awaybsex for awhile too. Essentially he will nag me and nag and nag... if i still won’t he will just start to undress me and I eventually roll over. If hit and kicked him away a few times but it doesn’t work.

 

He then tells me it’s not fair that I with hold and he has to watch porn and master bate.

 

The dude is ****ed up.

 

 

I didn’t realize how badly until I had another man use his kiss as a way to emotionally connect with me. Then ask if it was okay.

 

Blew my mind that someone would be so concerned with my boundaries.

[Amethyst68]

It may be that he struggles with accountability because he can feel the disdain you feel for him.

 

Your home life sounds horrific but an affair is never the answer, you should consult a lawyer to find out the legalities about a divorce. You shouldn't need to worry about him paying you as you can apply to the courts to get his wages garnished for child support and if you are due alimony you may be able to negotiate a one off cash payment. There see ways to do it, women do it every day, so stop sitting in a prison that is partially of your own making and take action.

 

You need to show your children what a powerful, moral individual looks like.

[Lotus_Luna]

He’s self employed so he can manipulate his wages.

He can choose to pay me a lump sum once a year.

He can not pay anything until the garnish then drop his income so I get nothing.

 

I switched careers so I don’t have to rely on him. He has already made it clear his hard work won’t be used by me... he thinks he can take the kids and house and kick me out.

 

I’ve taken my time to build a plan. I’ve taken so much action you aren’t aware of. Two years ago I was to afraid to even stand up to him.

 

Now I own a business, I’ve started a new career and I no longer hide or enable.

Edited November 2, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[CardsFan01]

You said he was a workoholic, but you can’t count on him to pay if you divorce. Is he working now?

 

Who would you feel guilty to if you leave, him or the kids?

 

I don’t blame you for having an affair. I think it was understandable. I’m not sure anyone ever deserves to be cheated on, but I do think at times their actions cause the affair. This was one of those times.

 

It seems you understand better than most on here with similar problems, that he isn’t going to change. I think you need to decide whether it’s helping or hurting your children, and you by staying. They would likely be better off in a healthier home environment, and you will be better off when you can start a new relationship that you don’t have to hide.

[Arris]

No one but you knows how it feels to be in your situation. If your husband loved you and the kids, he would take your EA as a warning and a wake up call that his behavior is in fact toxic.

I understand the guilt that you found yourself in an EA, but it happened, and all you can do is learn and grow from it. It doesn't make you a bad person, it doesn't make you faithless, to your husband though, he will see you as a bad person. Not only does he need to accept his actions had a consequence them self, but tell him the truth, that you learned his actions weren't an excuse for your actions. Hope that wasn't confusing, it's just you learned your lesson it sounds like, now it's his turn to stop making excuses for his actions. You both lost trust and faith in each other and it takes time to build that back up. He needs to let go of his resentment because he can't bash you for the rest of your lives.

If you are past reconciling, I don't think anyone can blame you. Sounds like you're trying everything and he is remaining abusive.

 

 

I will add though, as I'm in a similar position maybe, affairs are abuse. It's not a victimless action. It truly has devastating effects. While your husband has to learn there are better ways in dealing with the issue than calling you names, especially after you came clean, I understand his actions. I'm not excusing them, but I get it. He just has to rise above it and take actions that promote growth and healing. In the mean time, checking up on you may help rebuild his trust, he should just calm down and not insult you on top of that. If you guys can learn to view things honestly and with the right perspective, it changes little things.

[Lotus_Luna]

You said he was a workoholic, but you can’t count on him to pay if you divorce. Is he working now?

 

Who would you feel guilty to if you leave, him or the kids?

 

I don’t blame you for having an affair. I think it was understandable. I’m not sure anyone ever deserves to be cheated on, but I do think at times their actions cause the affair. This was one of those times.

 

It seems you understand better than most on here with similar problems, that he isn’t going to change. I think you need to decide whether it’s helping or hurting your children, and you by staying. They would likely be better off in a healthier home environment, and you will be better off when you can start a new relationship that you don’t have to hide.

 

He’s self employed. Sometimes he pays himself nothing... he can essentially cut his income in half or less and I can’t do anything about it. He will also ignore work if he’s depressed and fixated on recreation while everything falls apart.

 

Since he’s ego driven and wants control he won’t care what it means for the kids. I can’t afgors child care and working full time. I don’t have enough support to help with that.

 

So I’m giving myself 9-12 months to be debt free and secure. So I won’t need to rely on him.

 

I was hoping he’d get it together for the sake of the kids! I wanted him to have a good relationship with them even if I didn’t love him. I’d stay if I felt we (the kids and I) were safe and in a stable home.

 

I’m a year I have not felt those things. So I decided to give him the tools to make the changes.

 

He made baby steps of progress.

[Lotus_Luna]

No one but you knows how it feels to be in your situation. If your husband loved you and the kids, he would take your EA as a warning and a wake up call that his behavior is in fact toxic.

I understand the guilt that you found yourself in an EA, but it happened, and all you can do is learn and grow from it. It doesn't make you a bad person, it doesn't make you faithless, to your husband though, he will see you as a bad person. Not only does he need to accept his actions had a consequence them self, but tell him the truth, that you learned his actions weren't an excuse for your actions. Hope that wasn't confusing, it's just you learned your lesson it sounds like, now it's his turn to stop making excuses for his actions. You both lost trust and faith in each other and it takes time to build that back up. He needs to let go of his resentment because he can't bash you for the rest of your lives.

If you are past reconciling, I don't think anyone can blame you. Sounds like you're trying everything and he is remaining abusive.

 

 

I will add though, as I'm in a similar position maybe, affairs are abuse. It's not a victimless action. It truly has devastating effects. While your husband has to learn there are better ways in dealing with the issue than calling you names, especially after you came clean, I understand his actions. I'm not excusing them, but I get it. He just has to rise above it and take actions that promote growth and healing. In the mean time, checking up on you may help rebuild his trust, he should just calm down and not insult you on top of that. If you guys can learn to view things honestly and with the right perspective, it changes little things.

 

I know it hurt him. I feel bad, but I don’t feel much empathy after everything he’s done to me.

 

I should be open and honest with him. Total transparency but i feel like an emotional hostage.

 

He threatens to go to the OM, he told everyone about what I did. Told me I had to tell my parents (I didn’t want to) or he would confront the OM.

 

I told him how emotional traumatized I was from the abuse and he said I’m just sensitive.

[bathtub-row]

His behavior wasn’t approved either.. he was mad because our church was far more upset with his behavior then mine. He felt it’s wasnt fair I got off easy with some light counsel and he got reamed for his abuse.

 

I initially stayed because I had hoped he would change. He and I would start over and build a healthy marriage .

 

That’s very refreshing to hear about how your church handled things. I’m very impressed.

 

You can’t have a healthy marriage with a mentality unstable, criminal person such as your husband. You may want to read the book “Why Does He Do That” by Lundy Bancroft. It explains the abusive personally better than anything I’ve ever read. Once you understand, you’ll know there’s no fix.

[Arris]

Those are two separate issues, his abuse and your cheating. You can't use his actions as an excuse. It doesn't mean you roll over and give in, it's not about being right. It's about mending and you each are responsible for your own actions. He is not at fault for you cheating. No matter how lonely or whatever you feel, cheating on your marriage is not the answer. It's still your marriage you're being unfaithful to, it's also your kids you put at risk. You need to stop blaming him for your actions, that was your choice. I want you to hear that because you have to be honest and learn to forgive yourself, for yourself.

 

 

Once you figure yourself out, you have to be open and share things. It's not about what's right for him, it's about your family and believing in yourself then putting yourself out there. It's then up to him to meet you out there. You may seem vulnerable, but you must know your boundaries and be confident in who you are and that what you're doing will help your family grow.

 

 

As far as threatening the other guy, I think it's in a mans nature, but he shouldn't be using it to blackmail you. If he feels he needs to confront the OM, then he's gotta do it because he feels he needs to, not to manipulate you.

I don't know why he told everyone, was it to be petty or did he feel he needed to? I read that when your spouse has an affair it's a good idea to expose it to hopefully end that affair and bring your spouse back home.

[Lotus_Luna]

Those are two separate issues, his abuse and your cheating. You can't use his actions as an excuse. It doesn't mean you roll over and give in, it's not about being right. It's about mending and you each are responsible for your own actions. He is not at fault for you cheating. No matter how lonely or whatever you feel, cheating on your marriage is not the answer. It's still your marriage you're being unfaithful to, it's also your kids you put at risk. You need to stop blaming him for your actions, that was your choice. I want you to hear that because you have to be honest and learn to forgive yourself, for yourself.

 

 

Once you figure yourself out, you have to be open and share things. It's not about what's right for him, it's about your family and believing in yourself then putting yourself out there. It's then up to him to meet you out there. You may seem vulnerable, but you must know your boundaries and be confident in who you are and that what you're doing will help your family grow.

 

 

As far as threatening the other guy, I think it's in a mans nature, but he shouldn't be using it to blackmail you. If he feels he needs to confront the OM, then he's gotta do it because he feels he needs to, not to manipulate you.

I don't know why he told everyone, was it to be petty or did he feel he needed to? I read that when your spouse has an affair it's a good idea to expose it to hopefully end that affair and bring your spouse back home.

 

I’ve pretty much come to terms with my choices. I made a wrong situation worse and I hold myself accountable to that.

 

I was fine talking to appropriate and supportive people about the affair. Those who have been there, and moved forward.

 

He told our employee, subcontractors, clients... his family after I asked him not to. His sister told him he needs to dominate me into submission... so that gives you a clue why i didn’t want them to know...

 

He told everyone because he felt the need to be valaidated that he was the victim. Those who held him accountable he stopped talking to. Now he basically talks to his crazy sister and she feeds him BS about how I manipulated our therapist and friends.

 

I never left. It ended and I told him that day.

 

He wants to confront the other guy because his ego is hurt. He wants to get into a fight, tell him off, show the OM that he’s a tough dude. The OM doesn’t give a **** about it, he feels like everyone else does about my husband.. thinks he’s a moron who ruined a good family and marriage with selfish choices. OM would help me with our kids, OM would help me around the house, OM would make sure I was safe and secure. Things a husband should be doing, but mine was too busy in his own world.

 

So Husband wants to prove himself through conflict, which won’t help draw me to him or assist us in moving on in our lives. I begged him to drop it so we can just move ahead. But he brings it up routinely when I start ‘misbehaving’....

[bathtub-row]

The affair is a wash. It has no bearing on whether the marriage lasts or not. His behavior, however, does.

[alphamale]

you need to get a divorce sister

[Mr. Lucky]

I feel a lot of social pressure to stay due to my religious background and ‘for the kids’.

 

This has never made sense to me. Lotus_Luna, what do you solve by doing this?

 

Is it better for you? Obviously not...

 

Is it better for him? He certainly seems unhappy with your role in the marriage...

 

It is better for your kids? It's clearly a broken and dysfunctional model of a relationship...

 

There are times when change has a legitimate and clear moral purpose...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Lotus_Luna]

The affair is a wash. It has no bearing on whether the marriage lasts or not. His behavior, however, does.

 

That was my feeling.

 

I had the affair. I owned it. I asked him to addresses his issues so we could move forward.

 

He’s better but he’s not great.

[Lotus_Luna]

you need to get a divorce sister

 

If only it was so simple...

[Lotus_Luna]

This has never made sense to me. Lotus_Luna, what do you solve by doing this?

 

Is it better for you? Obviously not...

 

Is it better for him? He certainly seems unhappy with your role in the marriage...

 

It is better for your kids? It's clearly a broken and dysfunctional model of a relationship...

 

There are times when change has a legitimate and clear moral purpose...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Because I’m given a lot of pressure to forgive and apply bible principles (which work great when actually applied) to heal.

 

I just can’t seem to forgive and he can’t seem to pull it together.

[basil67]

I just can’t seem to forgive and he can’t seem to pull it together.

 

He's not making any significant change, he's sees nothing wrong with his behaviour and he's not seeking any diagnosis and help for his suspected mental illnesses. Of course you can't forgive.

 

It's far easier to forgive someone who's truly repentant and actively making changes (or someone who's gone from our lives) than it is to forgive someone who is still actively abusing. Actually, I think it would be impossible to forgive someone who's still like he is.