He disgusts me

[Lotus_Luna]

He's not making any significant change, he's sees nothing wrong with his behaviour and he's not seeking any diagnosis and help for his suspected mental illnesses. Of course you can't forgive.

 

It's far easier to forgive someone who's truly repentant and actively making changes (or someone who's gone from our lives) than it is to forgive someone who is still actively abusing. Actually, I think it would be impossible to forgive someone who's still like he is.

 

He’s not physical anymore.

 

He swings between moods. He started taking an herbal supplement that’s been somewhat helpful.

 

But when he opens up and expresses his thoughts on parenting and such I can’t stand it. He says things in direct opposition to how I parents and the choices we made. It’s like he has no idea what he wants other then an instant fix to typical problems related to raising children.

 

I guess I feel like if he’s not physical then I should be able to move forward.

[alphamale]

If only it was so simple...

 

then live your life and make the best of it, like most of us do

[Amethyst68]

You may not like it but your BS has a right to discuss your affair with whoever he chooses, he does not need your permission. Some BS take a scorched earth policy and tell the world and some prefer secrecy, not many take the wishes of their WS into consideration.

 

Your hatred for your BS is obvious and it is clear from your post that you hold your OM above him in every way. You say your OM helped with your kids - you involved your OM in your family life. I'm not minimising what you've gone through in your marriage but do your realise that to many BSs that is one of the highest levels of abuse that can carried out against them?

[portwine49]

First and foremost, I am sorry you are going through this. My guess is that if you were being abused and your marriage was subpar, that made you vulnerable from receiving intimacy and got it elsewhere. Does it make it right, no. Perhaps this is where your guilt is coming from. With that said, you need to go easy on yourself and forgive yourself for you indiscretion. You were forthright and took accountability but it does not seem that he is taking accountability or able to pull himself together with his mental health issues. Counseling may help, but you say you are on your third. What is paramount to all of this is your mental health and that of you being healthy and strong for your children. Feeling sadness and revolted during sex with someone that has abused you, or abuses you makes sense. I agree with the other poster that once someone hits you, they will hit you again. No religion that I am aware of advocates for harming another person physically or mentally. But there may be some that do. So before you judge yourself too harshly for making considerations due to religious reasons, think about this from a safety standpoint. My suggestion to you would be to reach out to the women shelter. They have meetings for women in such situations to offer support and counseling. This may allow you to share your experience and get other insight from professionals and people going through something similar. Go easy on yourself about the affair as in my opinion it was self preservation and vulnerability due to trauma. Would the higher power in your religion forgive you for all things? Would that higher power want you to be hurt or struggling? You are being proactive in trying to mend matters, but it appears you are over your head with your spouses mental health issues. Sometimes space and insight and professional guidance helps. Take care of you and yours. Best

[Lotus_Luna]

You may not like it but your BS has a right to discuss your affair with whoever he chooses, he does not need your permission. Some BS take a scorched earth policy and tell the world and some prefer secrecy, not many take the wishes of their WS into consideration.

 

Your hatred for your BS is obvious and it is clear from your post that you hold your OM above him in every way. You say your OM helped with your kids - you involved your OM in your family life. I'm not minimising what you've gone through in your marriage but do your realise that to many BSs that is one of the highest levels of abuse that can carried out against them?

 

The OM took a genuine interest in my family life. He knew I was struggling with two high needs children. He’s seen me through pregnancies, births and so on. Parenting is how we initially connected.

 

My husband can tell any and everyone he wants. It comes to motive. I don’t live in shame regarding my choices. I have several supportive friends who’ve been through this and managed to rebuild fantastic marriages.

 

And if you want to know how he felt about my affair, his response was that he was mad another man touched my boobs. I was his possession and I was now violated by another person.

 

He didn’t care about the emotional affair aspect... he even recent health scares he’s made comments about my vagina and reproductive parts ‘being the only faith part left on my body’ since my breasts are tainted

[Mr. Lucky]

I have several supportive friends who’ve been through this and managed to rebuild fantastic marriages.

 

Here's what you're glossing over - your friends didn't do it alone. Their husbands would have to have been proactive participants in the process and strong advocates for the relationship.

 

Nothing you've posted indicates your husband would make that contribution...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Lotus_Luna]

Here's what you're glossing over - your friends didn't do it alone. Their husbands would have to have been proactive participants in the process and strong advocates for the relationship.

 

Nothing you've posted indicates your husband would make that contribution...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

This is valid.

 

We did our second session with the new therapist. He’s decided he doesn’t want to go anymore. He doesn’t feel it will bond is and he’s not interested in wasting our time discussing communication and co parenting.

 

He came home all upset and talking about his boundaries and how I use him.

 

Then woke me up wanting sex.

 

He’s a mind ****...

[bathtub-row]

You seem to believe that people who divorce somehow are quitters or aren’t committed. That’s almost never the case. You’re creating your own living hell with your judgments on this issue. People who divorce typically just know when there’s no way around a bad situation. Life is way too short for that nonsense. But if you persist, you have yourself to blame as much as your husband.

[Lotus_Luna]

You seem to believe that people who divorce somehow are quitters or aren’t committed. That’s almost never the case. You’re creating your own living hell with your judgments on this issue. People who divorce typically just know when there’s no way around a bad situation. Life is way too short for that nonsense. But if you persist, you have yourself to blame as much as your husband.

 

Our belief system is based on marriage until dealth or adultery. Since my affair was emotional and didn’t include sex or sexual acts he didn’t want to leave. Rather, he never wants to leave me.

 

Either way we need to be in agreement about some of these issues. Divorce doesn’t change his parental rights or how we communicate.

[Mr. Lucky]

Rather, he never wants to leave me.

Why would he? You're an easy target for his neuroses/abuse and a convenient source of sex.

 

Either way we need to be in agreement about some of these issues. Divorce doesn’t change his parental rights or how we communicate.

 

Parental rights, no. Communication, yes. I'd assume your communication would be limited to parenting matters...

 

Mr. Lucky

[bathtub-row]

Our belief system is based on marriage until dealth or adultery. Since my affair was emotional and didn’t include sex or sexual acts he didn’t want to leave. Rather, he never wants to leave me.

 

Either way we need to be in agreement about some of these issues. Divorce doesn’t change his parental rights or how we communicate.

 

You consistently miss the point...

[basil67]

This is valid.

 

We did our second session with the new therapist. He’s decided he doesn’t want to go anymore. He doesn’t feel it will bond is and he’s not interested in wasting our time discussing communication and co parenting.

 

He came home all upset and talking about his boundaries and how I use him.

 

Then woke me up wanting sex.

 

He’s a mind ****...

 

Your belief system wants you to stay in an abusive marriage. I think it's time to question the wisdom of those beliefs. I know it's a tough call, but is this really how you want the rest of your life to be?

[stillafool]

This is valid.

 

We did our second session with the new therapist. He’s decided he doesn’t want to go anymore. He doesn’t feel it will bond is and he’s not interested in wasting our time discussing communication and co parenting.

 

He came home all upset and talking about his boundaries and how I use him.

 

Then woke me up wanting sex.

 

He’s a mind ****...

Why are you still sleeping in the same bed with him if he physically assaults you?

Edited November 2, 2018 by stillafool

[Dis]

It's ridiculous to us religion as an excuse for damaging your kids by exposing them to abuse

 

Pretty sure whatever God you believe in wouldn't be okay with that no matter how the church wants to spin it

 

This is your life, your kids who you're supposed to protect

 

Take responsibility for the well being of your kids and get out of there

[Insoc]

I feel your pain somewhat, I believe my Wife soon to be Ex-Wife suffers from some mental illness, I think bi-polar is one, along with being a sociopath, wouldn't say she shows all the symptoms, but some, like lacking empathy, also toss in Narcisisst. I'm going to a Therapist due to this divorce, she makes comments about me going and asking my Therapist this and that but fails to look in the mirror at her own actions.

 

It's a tough thing to deal with, while my Wife had some issues early in our relationship, I never seen it this bad. Also compulsive lying, she lies without any sense of guilt and wrongdoing.

 

This makes Divorce harder, I don't know if you can help him, because I cannot help my Wife, if I even bring it up, the topic of the D that dark side start's coming out of her.

[vla1120]

Though your religion/belief system is clearly restrictive, you do not say whether you are in the U.S. If you are, then your basic human rights trump your religious belief system. You can reach out to someone for help. There are women's shelters, restraining orders, and other legal means for you to escape from this abusive situation with your children. I hope that you will seek the help you need to remove yourself and your children from this situation. I am not sure whether you have sons or daughters. Either way, is this marriage the example you want to set for them on how they can expect to treat or be treated by their spouse?

[stillafool]

It's amazing how people want to hold up their religious beliefs except when it comes to having an affair that all goes out the window.

[BaileyB]

I don’t enjoy him as a person. He physically revolts me. I cry durning and after sex. I’m happiest when he’s gone.

 

Like, how do you recover from that?!

 

You don’t. You do your best to be civil toward each other as you divorce and coparent your children. That’s all you can do at this point...

[preraph]

Honey, if you have a religion that encourages you to stay with an abusive husband, then you need to find a new religion. And you surely must know that fighting terrorizes the poor children, disables them, and becomes the role model for how they will be in a relationship later on. So "staying for the children" is a myth when there is abuse in the house. The best example you could set for these children is to divorce him and show them his behavior is NOT acceptable and that they should leave and not stay with someone like that.

[Lotus_Luna]

Religious system supports separation with abuse.

 

Go back tonprour point of needing financial security and my current situation to create that.

 

The physical abuse has stopped, he knows I will call the cops. He struggles with verbal and emotional... doesnt grasp what isn’t appropriate. The sexual abuse was ANOTHER discussion this week. His stupidity once again doesnt see what the big deal is.

 

He can’t grasp the consequences of his actions because it’s jever his intent. He diesnt mean to hurt me, so he isn’t abusive.

 

It’s like talking to a small child.

 

I do plan to leave, I’m getting my footing to do so. That involves working with a lawyer, getting my support group and preparing financially.

 

Yes have never said my affair was okay. I owned that. It had so many consequences, I still face them daily. Not to mention the hurting emotionally.

 

On the other hand, it helped me realize how badly I was treated and how strong I am.

 

 

As for sex, I limit as much as possible. I’m extremely vocal about my feelings.

 

He’s unstable. He literally can tell me one night he can’t be with me anymore then the next morning CLING to me and act like we’re deeply in love. I have to remind him, I am not in love, bonded or emotionally connected to you. Do not pressure me to behave as if I am to placate your insecurities and co dependency.

 

He’s just not well or normal. It’s not as simple as ‘leave’.... people, situations and relationships are far too complex.

[BaileyB]

He can’t grasp the consequences of his actions because it’s jever his intent. He diesnt mean to hurt me, so he isn’t abusive.

 

He’s just not well or normal. It’s not as simple as ‘leave’.... people, situations and relationships are far too complex.

 

This what he thinks? Because, he could not be more wrong - you know that, right?

 

No, you most definitely need to make a plan to leave - find support, talk to a lawyer, and get your finances in order. Don’t delay, to do so is really unhealthy for you, your husband, and your children.

[stillafool]

feelings.

 

He’s unstable. He literally can tell me one night he can’t be with me anymore then the next morning CLING to me and act like we’re deeply in love. I have to remind him, I am not in love, bonded or emotionally connected to you. Do not pressure me to behave as if I am to placate your insecurities and co dependency.

 

He’s just not well or normal. It’s not as simple as ‘leave’.... people, situations and relationships are far too complex.

 

Again, why are you still sleeping in the same bed as him?

[preraph]

Get your plan in place and get some advice from a women's shelter on how to leave. You'll want to sneak a lot of your stuff out ahead of time, clothes and things. He will become violent again when you leave. You need to have some place to go he will not guess and get a restraining order or ask the attorney about that while you're going through the process. He may never leave you alone. And you have to share custody with him, nonetheless. You can have a mediator or third person meet him with the kids. It may take drastic measures. But you won't be able to just move far away because of the kids.

[Lotus_Luna]

I have been speaking with a lawyer.

 

Shared custody is a concern and why I wanted to see another therapist. He’s come a ways in regards to his parenting, but because he’s been cornered. I’m hoping he will continue to educate himself.

 

As for why I share a bed? Because it’s my bed and my home. I’m not sleeping on the couch. I just go to bed, roll over and sleep.

 

Sharing a martial bed or having sex isn’t my focus. I have way more important matters that are worth fighting and focusing on.

[stillafool]

I’ve pretty much come to terms with my choices. I made a wrong situation worse and I hold myself accountable to that.

 

I was fine talking to appropriate and supportive people about the affair. Those who have been there, and moved forward.

 

He told our employee, subcontractors, clients... his family after I asked him not to. His sister told him he needs to dominate me into submission... so that gives you a clue why i didn’t want them to know...

 

He told everyone because he felt the need to be valaidated that he was the victim. Those who held him accountable he stopped talking to. Now he basically talks to his crazy sister and she feeds him BS about how I manipulated our therapist and friends.

 

I never left. It ended and I told him that day.

 

He wants to confront the other guy because his ego is hurt. He wants to get into a fight, tell him off, show the OM that he’s a tough dude. The OM doesn’t give a **** about it, he feels like everyone else does about my husband.. thinks he’s a moron who ruined a good family and marriage with selfish choices. OM would help me with our kids, OM would help me around the house, OM would make sure I was safe and secure. Things a husband should be doing, but mine was too busy in his own world.

 

So Husband wants to prove himself through conflict, which won’t help draw me to him or assist us in moving on in our lives. I begged him to drop it so we can just move ahead. But he brings it up routinely when I start ‘misbehaving’....

 

Your husband has every right to feel the way he does about you. You are still in contact with the other man as I write this post. Why don't you leave your husband and file for divorce. If you were over the OM, felt remorse and wanted to improve your marriage my reply would be different but I've seen your other posts in your other threads and you seem to care more about your affair partner than your husband. Divorce him already and stop putting the blame all on him.