He disgusts me

[bathtub-row]

Your husband has every right to feel the way he does about you. You are still in contact with the other man as I write this post. Why don't you leave your husband and file for divorce. If you were over the OM, felt remorse and wanted to improve your marriage my reply would be different but I've seen your other posts in your other threads and you seem to care more about your affair partner than your husband. Divorce him already and stop putting the blame all on him.

 

Her husband sexually abused her. At that point, it’s all bets off and he gets every rotten thing he deserves. She’s afraid to leave him, afraid of what he’ll do but she’s making plans. Of course she cares more about the other guy. She probably cares more about everyone else over her rotten husband. It’s not hard to understand.

[stillafool]

Her husband sexually abused her. At that point, it’s all bets off and he gets every rotten thing he deserves. She’s afraid to leave him, afraid of what he’ll do but she’s making plans. Of course she cares more about the other guy. She probably cares more about everyone else over her rotten husband. It’s not hard to understand.

 

Yes he did but he is also being told that they are working on reconciliation. He doesn't know that OP is a liar and still pinning over someone else's husband and has no intention of saving her marriage. You may believe lying is okay but it is never okay in my book and creates more destruction.

[bathtub-row]

Yes he did but he is also being told that they are working on reconciliation. He doesn't know that OP is a liar and still pinning over someone else's husband and has no intention of saving her marriage. You may believe lying is okay but it is never okay in my book and creates more destruction.

 

Lying is absolutely 100% ok - and necessary - when you’re in fear of what that person will do. I lied to my ex about moving out and about other things because he was a loose cannon and capable of anything. Do you really think a guy who sexually assaults a woman has any standards whatsoever? When a man makes a woman feel threatened, again, it’s all bets off. He gets everything and every lie that comes his way. Boo hoo if he thinks his wife is working on their marriage. Who cares?

[Lotus_Luna]

Yes he did but he is also being told that they are working on reconciliation. He doesn't know that OP is a liar and still pinning over someone else's husband and has no intention of saving her marriage. You may believe lying is okay but it is never okay in my book and creates more destruction.

 

Last time he was suspicious I was trying to separate he tried to take away my phone and cut my contact with the outside world.

 

He forbid me from discussing anything ‘questionable’ with our therapist. When I did anyways, and she reported it... HE BLAMED ME for the consequences.

 

Frankly, you have no idea how to handle abusers, your advice would get someone killed or attacked.

 

Maybe when you’ve been terrorized by the personyou trusted most, you’d understand.

 

**** yes I care more about my AP. He taught me self defense and checks up on me. He’s never laid a finger or an abusive word on me.

 

When we kissed he asked if it was okay... instead of pushing me into the mattress in an attempt to sodimize me while I cry.

[5x5]

If only it was so simple...

 

As someone who has been divorced, I can assure you it is simple.

 

All else is just an excuse.

[Lotus_Luna]

As someone who has been divorced, I can assure you it is simple.

 

All else is just an excuse.

 

I have a plan in motion. You really are unaware of the complexities involved.

[bathtub-row]

I have a plan in motion. You really are unaware of the complexities involved.

 

Be smart and stay with your plan.

[vla1120]

I have a plan in motion. You really are unaware of the complexities involved.

 

You hit the nail on the head with that second sentence. Out here, you take your chances with what type of advice you'll get. I also kept my plans to leave my husband secret until I was out of the house because I was not sure what he was capable of doing out of desperation. You know the situation best and you know your husband. Safety first.

[stillafool]

There is nothing wrong in keeping your plans secret when trying to exit an abusive relationship. I was in an abusive relationship when I was 19 with a man 10 years older than I. I was beaten and was too embarrassed to call my family because I didn't want to hear the "I told you so's". I worked 2 jobs (1 was in secret) to gain the funds to move out. I saved in secret, he never asked about my money so fortunately I was not put in a position to lie about my plans to move. I did lie about a spur in my vertebra and said the sofa was the only place I could sleep so it didn't hurt. I did this to avoid sex with him. What I didn't do is start talking to or engaging with other men. I was a hot 19 year old and men were all over me at that time. If you are in fear of an abusive husband or bf the last thing a smart person would do is put their life in jeopardy by getting involved with another man. Scared women just don't do that unless that man is going to exit them from their situation. I didn't want another man as to me that would be jumping from the frying pan into the fire. What I didn't do is latch on to some other woman's husband for support. I've never been that desperate. I wanted to be free and independent.

 

I'm sorry OP but if you are abused why are you wasting time on some forum talking about "blow jobs" and your "emotional affair partner" instead of concentrating every moment on exiting your situation?

[Lotus_Luna]

There is nothing wrong in keeping your plans secret when trying to exit an abusive relationship. I was in an abusive relationship when I was 19 with a man 10 years older than I. I was beaten and was too embarrassed to call my family because I didn't want to hear the "I told you so's". I worked 2 jobs (1 was in secret) to gain the funds to move out. I saved in secret, he never asked about my money so fortunately I was not put in a position to lie about my plans to move. I did lie about a spur in my vertebra and said the sofa was the only place I could sleep so it didn't hurt. I did this to avoid sex with him. What I didn't do is start talking to or engaging with other men. I was a hot 19 year old and men were all over me at that time. If you are in fear of an abusive husband or bf the last thing a smart person would do is put their life in jeopardy by getting involved with another man. Scared women just don't do that unless that man is going to exit them from their situation. I didn't want another man as to me that would be jumping from the frying pan into the fire. What I didn't do is latch on to some other woman's husband for support. I've never been that desperate. I wanted to be free and independent.

 

I'm sorry OP but if you are abused why are you wasting time on some forum talking about "blow jobs" and your "emotional affair partner" instead of concentrating every moment on exiting your situation?

 

 

Initially I thought the AP was a way out. We had a moment in time but i panicked. I didn’t want him to make a decision he’d regret because of me.

 

I am allowed to come here for distraction from the reality.

 

Where you there when I cried myself to sleep last night?

 

No

 

Where you there when I was out busting ass trying to get work?

 

No

 

 

You really have NO idea what is happening besides what I share here. Which is incredibly limited.

 

I have t slept more then a few hours in weeks from stress, my hair is falling out and I’m having health problems. I’m trying my damn hardest to get things together.

 

So yes, I may come here as an escape.

 

I’m not currently engaged in the affair. I miss him terribly because he made me feel safe. I’ve lost that security emotionally. I spent the last several months going through some serious therapy to address the trauma and pain of the abuse and the affair.

 

 

You were 19. I’m a hell of a lot older with a lot more baggage involved.

[bathtub-row]

I don’t think it’s a huge leap to turn to someone else for comfort in such a tumultuous situation. It’s quite normal, actually. Again, who gives a fig about any of it? Your horrible husband feels entitled to do as he pleases and wreck your life and mental and physical health in the process — men like that are always shocked when Karma comes along and bites them in the butt.

 

I always say that no one should be shocked at what people will do once they’re cornered. That’s why controlling others doesn’t work. It’s like pinning a lion into a small space and expecting it to remain docile. It almost never happens. A severe mauling is typically what follows. What a shocker.

[Lotus_Luna]

I don’t think it’s a huge leap to turn to someone else for comfort in such a tumultuous situation. It’s quite normal, actually. Again, who gives a fig about any of it? Your horrible husband feels entitled to do as he pleases and wreck your life and mental and physical health in the process — men like that are always shocked when Karma comes along and bites them in the butt.

 

I always say that no one should be shocked at what people will do once they’re cornered. That’s why controlling others doesn’t work. It’s like pinning a lion into a small space and expecting it to remain docile. It almost never happens. A severe mauling is typically what follows. What a shocker.

 

 

The affair was helpful in some ways. I was so damn broken at the time.... and I’m a lot better now.

 

But seeing him every day and not having access to him is painful.

[bathtub-row]

The affair was helpful in some ways. I was so damn broken at the time.... and I’m a lot better now.

 

But seeing him every day and not having access to him is painful.

 

I hear ya but your life is going to be 100x better when you lose that jerk of a husband. You’ll have peace and open up better possibilities for your life.

[Amethyst68]

A lot of the posts you put on here are contradictory and confusing. You post about your sexually abusive spouse, then about bj technique and then there's the post where you say you have sex with you husband because you like having sex and can't imagine not having it.

 

Put that together with your EA, and it's no wonder your overwhelmed.

[Lotus_Luna]

A lot of the posts you put on here are contradictory and confusing. You post about your sexually abusive spouse, then about bj technique and then there's the post where you say you have sex with you husband because you like having sex and can't imagine not having it.

 

Put that together with your EA, and it's no wonder your overwhelmed.

 

I read a fascinating book, Come as You Are...

 

Discusses The complexity of sexuality which I’ve talked with my therapist about. I don’t like my husband, I don’t enjoy sex with him, but I like sex. The book and therapist explained how it can work physically/mentally/emotionally. Just as some women DONT like sex with their amazing husbands because they can’t get arroused or don’t have desire, the opposite can happen. I still have a sex drive, I still have hormonal fluctuations that leave me wanting. But there is no emotional component. It doesn’t make me feel attached or in love or tender. It’s the equivalent of eating a tasteless meal to satisfy hunger. I’ve thought about going on hormonal birth control to kill my libido but the side effects are so awful I’m not thrilled at the idea.

 

The question about BJs was just a question, a curiosity... should I have asked on FB about it?

[DKT3]

A lot of the posts you put on here are contradictory and confusing. You post about your sexually abusive spouse, then about bj technique and then there's the post where you say you have sex with you husband because you like having sex and can't imagine not having it.

 

Put that together with your EA, and it's no wonder your overwhelmed.

 

I agree and have stated that she is consistently contradictory in her statements. I even believe she said she enjoyed sex with her husband even though it lacked emotional connection, in another post.

 

I believe this is normal for the situation she is in. I think it's an internal struggle with knowing the good feelings and connection she feels is wrong. I honestly believe the contradictions are a good sign that she is a good person.

[Insoc]

The affair was helpful in some ways. I was so damn broken at the time.... and I’m a lot better now.

 

But seeing him every day and not having access to him is painful.

 

For me an "Affair" would be even harder if there was no feeling of wrong doing or guilt, or empathy. My soon to be ex, cheated on me online, but it was all a fantasy with a celebrity romance scammer, she realized it after sending nude photos of herself and lot's of cybersex. Non-contact affair, but painful non-the-less, I never got a heartfelt apology or noticed any sense of guilt, that alone hurts me more than anything and I see her daily, we are still living in the same house though only separated a couple of months. So i see your point on "access", initially I wanted to forgive her and stay together, but realized it was too far gone and could not trust her anymore.

 

After a week of finding out she was being scammed, she was crying and upset, not over what she did to me, but for what the fake celebrity romance scammer did to her. Talk about making your insides (mine) curl, there was nothing, not one ounce of guilt or sorrow for me, but me being the fool I am tried to help and be supportive, I'm the one that put an end to the scammer and now wish I never did.

 

Within the past 2 weeks, she created an online dating profile and now met some guy half her age (she is in her early 50's), they are talking daily via text and have spoken on the phone, initally she was telling me info, but now has become secretive and say's it's not what i think it is, but see her searching stuff on the computer (sexual) and porn with the person's ethnicity, so mid-life crisis or just total mental breakdown, I don't know.

 

Cougar she is she is getting an ego boost from this guy showing interest in her, she is trying to get in shape and looking at things online to suggest it, it won't last I'm sure of it and I don't know how she will move 150 miles from here with not even a pot to piss in, not even sure the guy can support her, she is high maintenance and doesn't want to work. The kicker is, dating someone so young goes against her moral code, but she lost it a while ago, mentally and ethically, she has not being thinking coherently for over a few months.

 

So seeing her daily is not helping me either, or the thought of her with this guy and the sexual stuff that will be coming or that she is fantasizing on our shared PC, flat out told her at least you can delete the history so I don't see it, it's like she want's me to see it.

 

I have to be gone and will be moving out, I hope then the dead silence of our larger home and with my presence being gone, will finally rattle her cage, because the lack of emotion is worse then the cheating she did after 10 years of marriage along with any lack of understanding on how she will survive on her own, even with my monthly support check which will barely cover rent in our high COL part of SoCal.

Edited November 18, 2018 by Insoc

[Amethyst68]

Do you have a timeline or plan for getting out of your marriage?

 

I haven't been through the exact stressors you have but I HAVE been through some other hellish, stressful times and know from experience you can only go for so long before you snap. My mental and physical health suffered and to this day I have issues like depression which never really leave.

 

It's why I would urge you to put all your effort to getting into a healthy living environment, free from all negative influences.

[Lotus_Luna]

Do you have a timeline or plan for getting out of your marriage?

 

I haven't been through the exact stressors you have but I HAVE been through some other hellish, stressful times and know from experience you can only go for so long before you snap. My mental and physical health suffered and to this day I have issues like depression which never really leave.

 

It's why I would urge you to put all your effort to getting into a healthy living environment, free from all negative influences.

 

I do have a timeline. I’m feeling the stress of trying to stick with it because some of my plans aren’t going as I had hoped.

 

I’m trying not to let my anxieties get to me, just keep applying my efforts and trust it will get worked out.

 

I’m literally lying in bed right now wondering if I’m strong enough to really do this. And terrified of whatever consequences come my way. My entire life is going to be pulled apart and I worry if I have the stamina needed to endure.

[Lotus_Luna]

I agree and have stated that she is consistently contradictory in her statements. I even believe she said she enjoyed sex with her husband even though it lacked emotional connection, in another post.

 

I believe this is normal for the situation she is in. I think it's an internal struggle with knowing the good feelings and connection she feels is wrong. I honestly believe the contradictions are a good sign that she is a good person.

 

There was a time I really enjoyed sex with him. Then the sexual abuse spiked up and it’s never been the same. Even if we go months between an incident, the damage is done.

 

I try to will myself into liking him, or being emotionally connected to the experience. But it doesn’t happen. I look turned on, my body responds, but I often cry afterwards.

 

I don’t blame sex, it’s my relationship.

 

I still want sex, I still think about it. I masterbate a lot.

 

I don’t want a life without it. But I’m not enjoying it fully anymore.

[stillafool]

I agree and have stated that she is consistently contradictory in her statements. I even believe she said she enjoyed sex with her husband even though it lacked emotional connection, in another post.

 

 

I can't believe she enjoys sex with him yet says he sexually abuses her. It's one contradiction after another. Most women who are sexually abused by a man do not want sex with him.

[Insoc]

I can't believe she enjoys sex with him yet says he sexually abuses her. It's one contradiction after another. Most women who are sexually abused by a man do not want sex with him.

 

My wife didn't want to have sex the past 5+ years, there was a little stuff in the time, but not much, nothing full blown, but within the past 3 months she must have had some type complete mental breakdown and went amok with 2 people online, last and latest being a guy half her age, she is in her 50's, do the math lol. After 11 days of talking to this guy from a dating site, via text within the past 24 hours or so, it went from casual friendly conversation to full blown cybersex, my Wife said she was going to do things to this guy she doesn't even know or even met, that she never did with me. Also after we met online, she didn't talk this way in less than 2 weeks, it took 8 months before that started and she was already out of her ex's house, not so with me.

 

I never abused her sexually or physically, she said to me when she wanted divorce that there hasn't been sex or intimacy for a while, I said well where do you fit into that equation, she just looked at me. I think she is having a mid-life crisis, regarding sex, I suspect menopause might be the reason, it's coming and messed up her thinking, because she has two personalities, the one who wanted to take this divorce smooth and keep it clean and the other half that is insincere and deceitful and unstrustworthy, doing stuff behind my back, looking up porn on our shared computer in the middle of the day when I'm at work and she is suppose to be looking for a job and so on.

 

What's the kicker is, there is zero lack of guilt or wrong doing, I'm so glad she keeps digging herself a hole, it makes my life a lot easier lol

Edited November 19, 2018 by Insoc

[health]

I’ve pretty much come to terms with my choices. I made a wrong situation worse and I hold myself accountable to that.

 

I was fine talking to appropriate and supportive people about the affair. Those who have been there, and moved forward.

 

He told our employee, subcontractors, clients... his family after I asked him not to. His sister told him he needs to dominate me into submission... so that gives you a clue why i didn’t want them to know...

 

He told everyone because he felt the need to be valaidated that he was the victim. Those who held him accountable he stopped talking to. Now he basically talks to his crazy sister and she feeds him BS about how I manipulated our therapist and friends.

 

I never left. It ended and I told him that day.

 

He wants to confront the other guy because his ego is hurt. He wants to get into a fight, tell him off, show the OM that he’s a tough dude. The OM doesn’t give a **** about it, he feels like everyone else does about my husband.. thinks he’s a moron who ruined a good family and marriage with selfish choices. OM would help me with our kids, OM would help me around the house, OM would make sure I was safe and secure. Things a husband should be doing, but mine was too busy in his own world.

 

So Husband wants to prove himself through conflict, which won’t help draw me to him or assist us in moving on in our lives. I begged him to drop it so we can just move ahead. But he brings it up routinely when I start ‘misbehaving’....

 

So why don't you leave your husband completely and just get with the OM?

[stillafool]

So why don't you leave your husband completely and just get with the OM?

 

That's not going to happen. Have you not seen the multiple other threads she has going regarding her affair? She doesn't care about her husband at all.