Go NC or Continue to Talk?

[kpv619]

Hello Everyone,

 

So my girlfriend and I broke up about 4 months ago. We enjoyed two years of a healthy and happy relationship as we finished are concluding years in college. About a year before we broke up, she was offered a job which would additionally pay for her grad program, but it involved her working in another city and also going to school in Arizona. Because she was so career orientated and we are so young, I told her to take the job and she did.

 

Our final year together, she pushed the idea of a long distance relationship but I was against it because we were so young (25 and 22) and I believed it would take a toll on our relationship. Our last 6 months together, I began to detach to prepare myself while she tried incredibly hard to convince me to try long distance but she was unsuccessful.

 

Three months after our break up, we begin talking on the phone and I can't help but explain to her how much I miss her. I even begin to admit the idea of a long distance relationship sounded appealing. She then begins to explain to me how she was seeing a new guy during her internship. She explained that the new guy was completely opposite of her type, but she caught feelings for him. She told me that the connection with him was one stronger than we ever had. She went as far as to explain the sex with him was better than what we ever had. She saw the guy one month after we broke up and continued seeing him for one month until she had to move for grad school. They don't talk anymore.

 

I was in shock so my first question was to ask her if she was serious. She told me she was being serious. She continued to explain to me that perhaps she got too comfortable with our relationship.

 

Hearing this has devastated me. How can this be interpreted? I was even considering moving to her city in the near future, but now i am unsure if she even shares those feelings anymore.

 

Perhaps she is upset with me? Maybe it was a rebound and caught her off guard? Or maybe it was legit?

 

I would appreciate if you were to share your thoughts.

 

Thanks,

[PegNosePete]

The only interpretation that matters, is that you got what you asked for. You broke up, she moved on.

 

It's a bit inappropriate and in poor taste to compare her new partner to an ex, maybe there was a little resentment and "look what you threw away" in there but I think overall she is simply treating you as a friend. Friends discuss their love lives with each other. It doesn't mean she wants you back.

[Morello]

I'm sorry but I can't help to find a bit of pleasure in reading stories like yours. Your ex was desperately trying to convince you of staying together, to which she was 'unsuccessful'. So, it appears she really liked you and you just started to detach anyway.

 

By "we begin talking after 3 months" I assume you contacted her. So, until this point, you dumped the girl and went to check on how she was doing, just to hear how much the new relationship she has is so much better than the one you had.

 

That is obviously making you crazy and is a huge hit to the ego. But then again, you probably just feel like that because of your ego. If she said she'd drop the new guy for you, you'd probably shake it off and keep broken up. I'm glad she didn't fall for your trap.

 

You wanted to break up, you got what you wanted and now she found someone better. It's your turn now to forget her and do the same. Also, next time think a bit more about contacting a person you dumped only 3 months ago and messing up with their lifes just because of your ego.

[basil67]

What Pete said. You detatched for a number of months, then broke up. She had no choice but to move on. And I agree there probably was a bit of resentment behind the sex comment. Either that, or you'd said something during the conversation which put her on the defensive.

[kpv619]

The only interpretation that matters, is that you got what you asked for. You broke up, she moved on.

 

It's a bit inappropriate and in poor taste to compare her new partner to an ex, maybe there was a little resentment and "look what you threw away" in there but I think overall she is simply treating you as a friend. Friends discuss their love lives with each other. It doesn't mean she wants you back.

 

What Pete said. You detatched for a number of months, then broke up. She had no choice but to move on. And I agree there probably was a bit of resentment behind the sex comment. Either that, or you'd said something during the conversation which put her on the defensive.

 

Thank you both for your input.

 

After reflecting on things, I can definitely see why there is resentment and I'm now realizing various signs of it.

 

I've had about 5 months now to think of the break up and I've realized that I am ready for commitment and how special this girl is. I've explained this to her but it appears it is too late.

 

I want her to know that I am willing to move to her city (this would also transition well with my career), but I don't feel like it's the proper time to tell her. Any ideas on what my next play should be?

 

Here are some of my ideas:

- Wait till she messages me

- Wait a few weeks and strike up a casual conversation. Feel it out from there.

- Waiting a month and asking her if she would be ok with my flying out to her city and spending the weekend with her to feel out thing because of the possibility of me moving to her city

- Waiting about a month and randomly fly out to her city and ask her to meet up/ go over things

[Zapbasket]

You need to move on. You don't need to be thinking about moving to be with her. She did not give you anything that should make you think right now there's a chance for you two.

 

It sounds like she appreciated very much what you two had. Then, when you didn't want to continue (with which I agree, by the way; LD relationships are very hard), she got a taste of what else might be out there for her. I agree that her telling you the sex and connection were better with the other guy was in poor taste and meant possibly to hurt you. But if that was indeed her experience, then she won't be coming back to you.

 

Let her go. In the meantime, explore what else might be out there for you. If she really seems as special as you think she is now, then maybe in the future you can see if she feels the same about you and start a new relationship with her, where you've both had a chance to grow, reflect, and experience new things and people.

 

We ALWAYS put people on a pedestal when we want them and they don't want us. It just makes us want them the more and when we're in the throes of that, we can't see straight. We chase, beg, make excuses. You need to let your emotions level, and you need to trust that the decision you made, to let her go so that she could pursue new career opportunities in a new place, was the right one for now.

 

As for the future, no one knows.

[kpv619]

You need to move on. You don't need to be thinking about moving to be with her. She did not give you anything that should make you think right now there's a chance for you two.

 

It sounds like she appreciated very much what you two had. Then, when you didn't want to continue (with which I agree, by the way; LD relationships are very hard), she got a taste of what else might be out there for her. I agree that her telling you the sex and connection were better with the other guy was in poor taste and meant possibly to hurt you. But if that was indeed her experience, then she won't be coming back to you.

 

Let her go. In the meantime, explore what else might be out there for you. If she really seems as special as you think she is now, then maybe in the future you can see if she feels the same about you and start a new relationship with her, where you've both had a chance to grow, reflect, and experience new things and people.

 

We ALWAYS put people on a pedestal when we want them and they don't want us. It just makes us want them the more and when we're in the throes of that, we can't see straight. We chase, beg, make excuses. You need to let your emotions level, and you need to trust that the decision you made, to let her go so that she could pursue new career opportunities in a new place, was the right one for now.

 

As for the future, no one knows.

 

Thanks for the response.

 

You make 100% logical sense. Part of the reason I made the decision to not pursue the relationship was because I felt I needed a final taste of being single to know I'm ready for a commitment, regardless to who. I now realize I've matured passed that and am ready for commitment.

 

I am afraid if I don't pursue this, it will have no chance. And that's my biggest fear, not giving something that showed so much potential a chance. There's so much room to grow apart if I let things go.

[d0nnivain]

Unfortunately what you want doesn't matter any more. Relationships always default to the one who wants out. When you broke up, that was you wanted & what you got. Now she is the one who is saying no so now she gets what she wants.

 

You hurt her. Now you say you want her back but to her it feels like she's your 2nd choice. Plus she doesn't really believe you. She doesn't trust that you won't hurt her again. She fells like you didn't think she was worth fighting for the 1st time.

[Zapbasket]

She told me she was being serious. She continued to explain to me that perhaps she got too comfortable with our relationship.

 

Hearing this has devastated me. How can this be interpreted?

 

Interpretation:

She met a guy. While that relationship was not serious or long-lasting, it made her realize that the relationship she had with you was not, in fact, all she'd cracked it up to be. She got too "comfortable," as in, the relationship was easy to be in, and she settled for it rather than actively chose it. Now that she is on her own, she wants to continue in that direction, and no longer wants to be with you.

 

I know it hurts, OP, but you have to let go. If you push the idea of moving to be with her, she will be forced to tell you straight up she does not want you. Then you'll be dealing with even greater hurt feelings and also a lot of time wasted putting energy into trying to move your life in a direction (i.e., towards her), it's just not meant to go right now.

[kpv619]

Unfortunately what you want doesn't matter any more. Relationships always default to the one who wants out. When you broke up, that was you wanted & what you got. Now she is the one who is saying no so now she gets what she wants.

 

You hurt her. Now you say you want her back but to her it feels like she's your 2nd choice. Plus she doesn't really believe you. She doesn't trust that you won't hurt her again. She fells like you didn't think she was worth fighting for the 1st time.

 

Thank you for your thoughts.

 

Regarding her not trusting me, that is why I want to put my heart out there and show her I am 100% committed by waiting a few months and explaining to her that I am willing to move to her city if our connection is there.

[elaine567]

Family are for life, you stay, you go, you come back and pick up where you left off.

Romantic relationships are not like that.

You break up, that is the end. Sure you may exchange a few words or even hook up, but there is no picking up where you left off, other people move on with their life without you and they are happy without you. They may never speak to you ever again, why would they?

You dumped them.

Few really get over that.

 

If you find the "love of your life" then you hold on for grim death and hope they feel the same.

[kpv619]

Interpretation:

She met a guy. While that relationship was not serious or long-lasting, it made her realize that the relationship she had with you was not, in fact, all she'd cracked it up to be. She got too "comfortable," as in, the relationship was easy to be in, and she settled for it rather than actively chose it. Now that she is on her own, she wants to continue in that direction, and no longer wants to be with you.

 

I know it hurts, OP, but you have to let go. If you push the idea of moving to be with her, she will be forced to tell you straight up she does not want you. Then you'll be dealing with even greater hurt feelings and also a lot of time wasted putting energy into trying to move your life in a direction (i.e., towards her), it's just not meant to go right now.

 

I feel like she feels this way because she is comparing it to what we had our final 6 months, not what we had from the beginning. You don't think waiting a month or two and then proving to her that I am committed is worth it?

[Zapbasket]

I feel like she feels this way because she is comparing it to what we had our final 6 months, not what we had from the beginning. You don't think waiting a month or two and then proving to her that I am committed is worth it?

 

No. I do not think it's worth it. Not based on anything you've said here.

 

You let her go. So, let her. Nothing she said to you was remotely encouraging you to keep trying where she is concerned.

 

Now the main person you need to honor is yourself. You say you're ready for commitment? Then start making your whole life ready for it. Get your career in order. Get your physical fitness to its prime. Travel. Read. Take up a new sport or hobby or hunker down and grow in one you're already into.

[kpv619]

No. I do not think it's worth it. Not based on anything you've said here.

 

You let her go. So, let her. Nothing she said to you was remotely encouraging you to keep trying where she is concerned.

 

Now the main person you need to honor is yourself. You say you're ready for commitment? Then start making your whole life ready for it. Get your career in order. Get your physical fitness to its prime. Travel. Read. Take up a new sport or hobby or hunker down and grow in one you're already into.

 

I agree with your statement regarding bettering myself. This is something I have been doing and I plan to continue doing.

 

Regarding giving up on her, you don't think her feelings may change in a few months from now? I feel like there's a ton on her plate right now and if I were to stay in some sort of contact, she could realize that what we had is special and worth pursuing if I were to put in the effort that I wasn't originally willing to.

[d0nnivain]

You don't think waiting a month or two and then proving to her that I am committed is worth it?

 

Your words are meaningless from a distance. But you can't really pick up & move to Arizona on the chance that she might take you back. What would happen if you relocated but she still said no?

 

You may be ready for a commitment now but that doesn't mean she is the person you have to be committed to. Your excuse about being too young, is just that, an excuse. If you & she had truly been meant to be you would have moved with her or tried the LDR. Something was holding you back from that; let that guide as you heal from this loss & move forward.

[kpv619]

Your words are meaningless from a distance. But you can't really pick up & move to Arizona on the chance that she might take you back. What would happen if you relocated but she still said no?

 

You may be ready for a commitment now but that doesn't mean she is the person you have to be committed to. Your excuse about being too young, is just that, an excuse. If you & she had truly been meant to be you would have moved with her or tried the LDR. Something was holding you back from that; let that guide as you heal from this loss & move forward.

 

I apologize in advance if I seem irrational. I'm generally a logical person but I feel as if my emotions are getting the best of me.

 

I agree that words are meaningless from a distance. That's why I want to give it a few months for my emotions to settle, revisit the thought of visiting her and explaining my commitment to her. It sounds like you may think this isn't the best idea?

[d0nnivain]

Time isn't going to make this better in way you hope. In time she won't miss you more & be open to taking you back. The more time that passes the more sure she will be of her decision to say no thanks & move on, building a new life without you.

 

While I don't think it's a good one, you have one shot at this & at minimum that is getting on a plane now to beg for a 2nd chance in person. I doubt it will work for the reasons I mentioned. But the longer you wait, the worse your odds.

 

In time you will come to see that perhaps being apart is what was meant to be.

[Zapbasket]

 

Regarding giving up on her, you don't think her feelings may change in a few months from now?

 

Sure, they may. But if it's to happen, it will happen on its own. Nothing kills feelings more than someone hanging around you, wanting something from you that you can't or don't want to give them. Let her miss you. And: let her miss you on her OWN time. It could take five years. Are you willing to wait that long? That's why I'm saying you have to let her go and focus on yourself. Time will make clear what, if anything, you need to do in relation to her.

 

I feel like there's a ton on her plate right now and if I were to stay in some sort of contact, she could realize that what we had is special and worth pursuing if I were to put in the effort that I wasn't originally willing to.

 

No, because she will sense you trying to control an outcome and she will resent it. It's okay. It really is. Every one of us, I can guarantee, has lost someone because we didn't value them enough while we had them. Realizing your mistake hurts like crazy...but you don't heal and grow from that hurt by chasing after the person for a second chance. Don't you see? Then it's still all about you. And they sense it. Which is why it very rarely works when someone begs for a second chance and the other person grants it. People are willing to go to the ends of the earth for their own egos, but the real test is how far they're willing to go for another person WHILE THEY HAVE THEM. For you, with this girl, that ship has sailed. And while it hurts, I'll bet you have many wonderful experiences to look forward to, and to grow from, in the future. Believe in that, and invest in that.

[kpv619]

Time isn't going to make this better in way you hope. In time she won't miss you more & be open to taking you back. The more time that passes the more sure she will be of her decision to say no thanks & move on, building a new life without you.

 

While I don't think it's a good one, you have one shot at this & at minimum that is getting on a plane now to beg for a 2nd chance in person. I doubt it will work for the reasons I mentioned. But the longer you wait, the worse your odds.

 

In time you will come to see that perhaps being apart is what was meant to be.

 

Thanks. I've had this thought pass through my mind a couple times as well. Mind sharing your thoughts on a few things regarding this??

- Do I just show up and ask her to meet me?

- Should i go the route of telling her "Rather than you committing to anything right now, would you be willing to feel things out and if things go smoothly, I can move out to you?"

- Also, you really think time is working against me right now?

[kpv619]

Sure, they may. But if it's to happen, it will happen on its own. Nothing kills feelings more than someone hanging around you, wanting something from you that you can't or don't want to give them. Let her miss you. And: let her miss you on her OWN time. It could take five years. Are you willing to wait that long? That's why I'm saying you have to let her go and focus on yourself. Time will make clear what, if anything, you need to do in relation to her.

 

 

 

No, because she will sense you trying to control an outcome and she will resent it. It's okay. It really is. Every one of us, I can guarantee, has lost someone because we didn't value them enough while we had them. Realizing your mistake hurts like crazy...but you don't heal and grow from that hurt by chasing after the person for a second chance. Don't you see? Then it's still all about you. And they sense it. Which is why it very rarely works when someone begs for a second chance and the other person grants it. People are willing to go to the ends of the earth for their own egos, but the real test is how far they're willing to go for another person WHILE THEY HAVE THEM. For you, with this girl, that ship has sailed. And while it hurts, I'll bet you have many wonderful experiences to look forward to, and to grow from, in the future. Believe in that, and invest in that.

 

I really value your rational responses. It's an interesting point you bring up regarding it still being about me.

 

I talked to her on the phone and asked her if there was any chance. She told me not as of right now because she wants to find herself. I told her i was considering moving and spending a few years in another city for work, and i mentioned her City was on that list because she was there. I asked her if she'd let me take her on a date if I were to get to get to that point of considering moving there, and she agreed.

 

My thought process is: I wait a few months to better myself, revisit the idea of moving to her City when I'm less emotional, and reaching out to her to share her thoughts. Is this a flawed plan?

[d0nnivain]

Thanks. I've had this thought pass through my mind a couple times as well. Mind sharing your thoughts on a few things regarding this??

- Do I just show up and ask her to meet me?

- Should i go the route of telling her "Rather than you committing to anything right now, would you be willing to feel things out and if things go smoothly, I can move out to you?"

- Also, you really think time is working against me right now?

 

 

I don't know. I have been the one who just showed up & said I want this work, let's talk. I have had a man fly across the country & ask me for the 2nd chance. Neither worked out.

 

You know her. I don't. I don't see time being on your side. The grand gesture MIGHT work but chances are very slim & this is an expensive gamble. However in life you regret more the things you don't do & the chances you don't take. Even if she says no, you will know you tried & the break will be clean & unmistakable.

 

 

It's up to you but I wouldn't

[kpv619]

I don't know. I have been the one who just showed up & said I want this work, let's talk. I have had a man fly across the country & ask me for the 2nd chance. Neither worked out.

 

You know her. I don't. I don't see time being on your side. The grand gesture MIGHT work but chances are very slim & this is an expensive gamble. However in life you regret more the things you don't do & the chances you don't take. Even if she says no, you will know you tried & the break will be clean & unmistakable.

 

 

It's up to you but I wouldn't

 

I see. I'm thinking this isn't the best idea because I feel like she needs space to let her emotions settle. In the meantime, would you recommend keeping in contact with her? Maybe message her once or every other week?

[Morello]

I completely disagree with the 'grand gesture' advice. It NEVER works. Our lives are not like a Hollywood movie.

 

The only chance you might get will come from you leaving her entirely alone. No messages, nothing. And assume you're not talking ever again.

 

If she contacts you, you take it from there. Second chances rarely work, so the best advice for you is still to move on.

[kpv619]

Hello All,

 

So my ex-girlfriend and I broke up about 5 months ago. We graduated college together and I received a job offer in our hometown, where as she received a job offer about 500 miles away with a 4 year commitment contract. Her job offer was a once in a life timer opportunity, thus we both took our offers. We talked it over and both concluded that since we were both so young (25 and 22), long distance did not seem like a viable option and feared it may close any doors of us being together in the future.

 

We dated for two years and we both enjoyed a happy/health relationship with little to no drama. This is my third relationship I had ever been in and was by far my overall happiest. I can truly say I love this girl with all my heart and can arguably see myself with her for the rest of my life.

 

Our first 3 months apart, we maintained little contact but recently we have been talking more often as friends We both still agree that long-distance does not make sense, but I am the one who is more committed to a vision of us being together in a future. She doesn't disregard this vision, but she explains that there's no way of knowing what will happen and wants us to do what's best for ourselves at this time. I've recently strongly considered eventually moving out to her city in time if my feelings remained the same.

 

In the mean time, we both agreed to talk on the phone every other week to catch up. There are no negative feelings towards one another or resentment. At times it's really tough on me to remain in contact, but I feel like it's getting easier and worth it because she has had such a positive impact on my life and I want to stay friends with her at the very least and keep that door open.

 

What's your opinion on this situation in general? Does it make sense to stay in contact? or does this seem like a bad idea?

 

Do you have any tips or thoughts in general?

 

I know this is a very open ended post, but I was looking to hear some second opinions.

 

Thanks for the read everyone.

[just1looking2]

I stumbled onto this post on my first visit to this site searching my own sad problem. It seems perfectly harmless what you are doing. If she is worth it and you are not holding yourself back, why not.