Letting Go Of The Past (Updated)

[MountainGirl111]

I guess it's inevitable for people to bring their past into their "current" relationships. This can be cause for distrust and issues.

 

If a new relationship is going to be a healthy one, how important is it to let go of the past, both in yourself and in the person you are dating? How important is that to you? Do you want someone to fully open with everything at the very beginning so there are no surprises? Or is it okay with you to have these things brought out as time goes on? I know we're all different in this regard. Some people don't get too concerned or hung up on the past of the person they are dating. For others it's more of a big deal....perhaps because they have been burned before.

[David33]

I've learned that if people don't disappoint me at some time and to some degree, then my standards are too low. I'll listen but don't ask about someone's past. It's done. They're mine. If they're having trouble dealing with it then we shouldn't be together...yet. If I have issues then what the hell am I doing dragging someone else into it? There's two things we can't change...the past, and someone else. I can only control my thoughts, actions and perceptions of what's already happened. Just some thoughts. Cheers

[Sunlight72]

I guess it's inevitable for people to bring their past into their "current" relationships. This can be cause for distrust and issues.

 

If a new relationship is going to be a healthy one, how important is it to let go of the past, both in yourself and in the person you are dating? How important is that to you? Do you want someone to fully open with everything at the very beginning so there are no surprises? Or is it okay with you to have these things brought out as time goes on? I know we're all different in this regard. Some people don't get too concerned or hung up on the past of the person they are dating. For others it's more of a big deal....perhaps because they have been burned before.

Well, I know what you are implying, but don't forget that bringing things from past relationships also means good things.

 

For me it means (among many other things, both constructive, and I'm sure detrimental)

 

- I won't be with an alcoholic. After 18 months with one, I learned alcohol is an integral part of who they are. Not an off-chance sector one can excuse away.

 

- Someone who is mean spirited to strangers creates a sad, fearful environment around them - regardless if they are nice to me. And that sad world will come back to impact them continuously.

 

- If a person doesn't really seem to like sex with me, then the only important point for me is that they don't and will not like sex with me. Investing years of love and patience does not change that.

 

So, I think it is really useful to bring a wary eye to a new relationship, based on what one has experienced in prior relationships.

 

However, the balance is to check in often and make sure one is not over reacting to the actual situation and the actual person they are with now. When that happens, their partner should be on alert. If it is a pattern, two strikes you're out, or maybe three strikes if other elements are really wonderful. Staying longer invites real, predictable trouble.

 

 

And no, I don't think people should open up with everything at the beginning. That would be pretty awful. I don't think there should be secrets, but I do think trust can only be built over time and observation of actions, and also the magic of chemistry is worth a lot when two people are predictably trustable. Knowing every factoid is actually deceiving in my opinion, because one can't really know the whole context until time has passed and one can see how their partner behaves in life - and then compare that to what they say they do and have done.

Edited November 1, 2018 by Sunlight72

[Chilli]

Can't really go over someones past all at the start, that would be pretty robotic to expect that, the past is a lotta stuff.

There's basics l'd wanna know but you'd just naturally skim in just normal convo anyway before anything went anywhere, like if she's been married 16 times , or parts of her character or ideals l strongly don't like, or sirens goin off everywhere, or something l specifically needed to know or explain from myself.

But l can read between the lines enough from there until stuff just naturally comes out bit by bit over time so nah , lf l was cool enough to let it go further from the start, the rest doesn't matter.

[Lorenza]

I guess it's inevitable for people to bring their past into their "current" relationships. This can be cause for distrust and issues.

 

If a new relationship is going to be a healthy one, how important is it to let go of the past, both in yourself and in the person you are dating? How important is that to you? Do you want someone to fully open with everything at the very beginning so there are no surprises? Or is it okay with you to have these things brought out as time goes on? I know we're all different in this regard. Some people don't get too concerned or hung up on the past of the person they are dating. For others it's more of a big deal....perhaps because they have been burned before.

 

It's part of your personal history. Can't erase that. But it's not wise to open up fully and give out too many details. Don't ever tell your new partner these things:

- How the sex was. Good or bad, keep it to yourself. I think it's best to avoid this topic completely.

- How they treated you badly. Sure, tell him a bit vaguely that someone broke your heart and didn't treat you right, but don't go into details. Don't tell your new partner the exact words or actions someone took to disrespect or humiliate you. Why? I don't think it's good to paint that picture of yourself. Your partner will imagine you in that position, being stomped on and not standing up for yourself. It damages how he views you. We want to look up to someone we're with.

- Your exes nasty habits or personal details that were given to you in confidence. It's not attractive to sh**talk about someone. Your new partner will feel like you'd talk him down if you split up as well.

- What you did together. If you're telling a story, avoid saying "so that one time me and my ex went backpacking..." just say you went backpacking. If your partner asks, you can of course tell, or if it is in some way relevant to the story. But if it isn't relevant, there's no need to constantly shove your ex into the picture. I used to hate hearing "me and my ex" all the time. Like sure, I know you've been with that person and it was meaninful at that time and it's a part of your history, but I don't want her image popping up in my mind everytime you tell a story. What good does that do? We're together now so let's focus on us.

 

That's my opinion at least.

 

Also, I just assumed you were talking about dating past, but if you meant your past in general, I think similar things apply.

The negatives should be talked vaguely about. We don't want to paint a picture of ourselves as someone unfortunate and mistreated. If you have some hurtful things that happened to you in the past, it's best to just be a matter of the fact - yes, these things happened, I've felt very bad at the time, but I've moved on.

Or if you haven't moved on - it still hurts me but I'm hoping that I will be able to let the past hurt go.

I don't mind dealing with my partner's hurtful past, I will listen and comfort, but it's important for me to know that he's capable of letting that go and living to the fullest, with me.

[Cojack123]

It's part of your personal history. Can't erase that. But it's not wise to open up fully and give out too many details. Don't ever tell your new partner these things:

- How the sex was. Good or bad, keep it to yourself. I think it's best to avoid this topic completely.

- How they treated you badly. Sure, tell him a bit vaguely that someone broke your heart and didn't treat you right, but don't go into details. Don't tell your new partner the exact words or actions someone took to disrespect or humiliate you. Why? I don't think it's good to paint that picture of yourself. Your partner will imagine you in that position, being stomped on and not standing up for yourself. It damages how he views you. We want to look up to someone we're with.

- Your exes nasty habits or personal details that were given to you in confidence. It's not attractive to sh**talk about someone. Your new partner will feel like you'd talk him down if you split up as well.

- What you did together. If you're telling a story, avoid saying "so that one time me and my ex went backpacking..." just say you went backpacking. If your partner asks, you can of course tell, or if it is in some way relevant to the story. But if it isn't relevant, there's no need to constantly shove your ex into the picture. I used to hate hearing "me and my ex" all the time. Like sure, I know you've been with that person and it was meaninful at that time and it's a part of your history, but I don't want her image popping up in my mind everytime you tell a story. What good does that do? We're together now so let's focus on us.

 

That's my opinion at least.

 

Also, I just assumed you were talking about dating past, but if you meant your past in general, I think similar things apply.

The negatives should be talked vaguely about. We don't want to paint a picture of ourselves as someone unfortunate and mistreated. If you have some hurtful things that happened to you in the past, it's best to just be a matter of the fact - yes, these things happened, I've felt very bad at the time, but I've moved on.

Or if you haven't moved on - it still hurts me but I'm hoping that I will be able to let the past hurt go.

I don't mind dealing with my partner's hurtful past, I will listen and comfort, but it's important for me to know that he's capable of letting that go and living to the fullest, with me.

 

That’s an interesting outlook. In a good way. I think most questions are brought up because your partners leads to them and you ask and sometimes they get defensive and sometimes not. But usually when defensive mode kicks in it makes your partner curious why and opens up more communication about it. Sometimes it’s not your fault that the past is brought up.

[Gaeta]

I guess it's inevitable for people to bring their past into their "current" relationships. This can be cause for distrust and issues.

 

If a new relationship is going to be a healthy one, how important is it to let go of the past, both in yourself and in the person you are dating? How important is that to you? Do you want someone to fully open with everything at the very beginning so there are no surprises? Or is it okay with you to have these things brought out as time goes on? I know we're all different in this regard. Some people don't get too concerned or hung up on the past of the person they are dating. For others it's more of a big deal....perhaps because they have been burned before.

 

 

There are certain things you must disclose because it won't only affect you but will affect your future partner like an illness, criminal record, an addiction.

 

 

 

Other than that I want to know his relationship history, was he married, how long, kids etc but I don't need the details of their break up or their life together.

 

 

 

And from there I don't want to know anything else. It doesn't matter why his ex and him fought, it doesn't matter if he went wild at some point and slept with 10s of women. I will judge him on how he conducts himself with me not on how many girlfriends he had a decade ago.

 

 

 

Giving your partner every dirty little details of your past will kill the attraction pretty fast. I don't want images in my mind of my BF having sex with so and so.

 

 

 

I once relieved to my BF something I thought was important. I wanted him to know from me and not accidentally from my family. I told him I had a 4 year relationship years ago with the man that is now my boss. My boyfriend stopped me and he said don't say any further it's the past it's not my business. At that moment I knew I was with the right man.