Awkward situations with ex wife

[Nukem]

Hi all.

 

We got divorced more then 6 year ago. The reason was OM who she loved very much. They were breaking up and reconciling several times in the begging of their connection.

I thought that she haven't had love relationship since that time because she traveled around Europe and went to Summer holidays with female girlfriends and sometimes with our daughter.

 

In 2018 she went to 3-4 holidays but there are not any friends with her in the pictures at Facebook. I also saw my ex and the OM in a restaurant in our neighborhood.

 

The awkward part is that whenever she travels abroad she asks me to move in her house and look after our daughter and their cat. I agree because I don't have own flat while they live in a vast and luxurious apartment.

Also when she is getting late in the weekends I and daughter should wait her in their flat before I can leave. I do this to save logistics and efforts of packing and unpacking to my daughter.

 

I now find this inappropriate in case she is continuing meeting and having sex with the OM. Living in her flat while she is with the OM is not the right thing to do :(.

 

The bad part is that I still cannot bear the view of her with OM. I guess it is sort of jealousy and envy. I also feel very nostalgic about my memories with her. I wish I could jump back in time and repair our mistakes even if I know that we are incompatible couple.

 

I think I have three options:

1. asking her if she is still with him and if so I should take daughter in my small flat during her trips and weekends;

2. just to begin taking daughter in my home without asking ex anything. In that case I should explain them both why I do that.

3. not doing anything, and staying calm for the sake and comfort of the child.

 

Could you give an opinion?

Edited October 31, 2018 by Nukem

[d0nnivain]

You & your child's other parent have to cooperate when it comes to your daughter's best interest. I get that you don't want to deal with the OM & that you feel odd being in the EX's flat even for your daughter while the EX is out traveling but if you don't have your own flat or a safe space for a young girl to stay, where will you spend time caring for your daughter? The 1st Q has to be what's best for your daughter? Would bringing your own sheets help?

[Nukem]

The 1st Q has to be what's best for your daughter? Would bringing your own sheets help?

 

My flat is not big, but there is enough space.

Edited November 1, 2018 by Nukem

[Simple Logic]

After 5 years I would get a GF.

[Nukem]

After 5 years I would get a GF.

 

Actually I had 2 GF meanwhile. Never stopped thinkg about ex wife. I know it is weird. The connections and the chemistry were not strong, weren't as passionate as with the ex.

Edited November 1, 2018 by Nukem

[d0nnivain]

My flat is not big, but there is enough space.

 

if in the short term your daughter could stay with you while mom's traveling, just do that. Daughter can have an "adventure."

[Nukem]

thanks d0nni

 

I like the word adventure.

But I need to decide one more thing.

How to discuss it with her mother?

I am afraid if I try face to face talk I could show weakness.

On other hand if I write a letter she will call me for explanation about changing the rules.

And I will have to admit that I know about her relationship.

Is that reason enough? I guess she will argue that they do not use her home and thus do not bother us. She will blame me that I do this just to annoy her and break their comfort. I know her well and expecting something like that.

What do you think am I right to ask for this change?

Edited November 1, 2018 by Nukem

[d0nnivain]

Don't say anything. Next time your EX asks you to stay, enthusiastically say how much you are looking forward to spending time with you daughter but announced that you're changing things up & daughter will be staying with you while mom's away. Mom can either pick her up at your place when she gets back into town or you will bring daughter home the next day. Don't act like it's a negotiation. Present it as a foregone conclusion. Don't talk about the why's. Just say this is the new plan.

 

Mom may chose to stay & not travel. Mom may chose to get another person to watch daughter in the flat.

[Nukem]

I was thinking about almost the same conclusion.

 

There will be questions not only by ex, daughter will ask also.

She is 15 year old and she knows about the OM. I guess they both hide this from me.

I will have to improvise

[d0nnivain]

Tell daughter you thought it was time for a change. If she pushes tell her being somewhere the OM is unpleasant for you but that you would do almost anything to spend time with her.

[Nukem]

D0nni

last time after she returned from a trip she asked me to do a fix in her home and sometimes she calls me to help her with small things. Do you think I should continue helping her?

[d0nnivain]

Helping her is entirely up to you.

 

What I told one of my EXs who was going through a divorce with a son: Be polite to your EX & generous to your child. If the fix benefits your daughter or at least allows mom to have more money to spend on the daughter rather than household repairs AND you have the time / skills, especially if it gets you more time with the daughter, what is the benefit to being withholding?

[Nukem]

Your advises are useful and wise.

Thank you! :D:D

[Nukem]

Hi all,

I'm again facing difficulties. My ex and our 15 years old daughter are travelling abroad for 3-4 days. The ex asked me to look after their cat during the trip. It is not for the first time. But previously she wasn't meeting the OM. Now I am not absolutely sure she has a love relationship with him but there were some indications which I mentioned above. Today she insisted that I have to visit her home and take care about the cat. I agreed. Actually I live 5 min walk away form their home, we are in the same neighborhood.

 

My hesitation is whether to tell her that I know about her meeting the OM and it is embarrassing to put me in that situation, and to ask her to look for different solution.

Something more, several days ago she asked me to bring them some groceries because they were tired. Yesterday she called me in the morning to bring her eggs. :confused:

She also initiates some small chats on the phone, which I try keeping short.

 

Any suggestions? :cool:

Edited December 16, 2018 by Nukem

[DKT3]

Hi all,

I'm again facing difficulties. My ex and our 15 years old daughter are travelling abroad for 3-4 days. The ex asked me to look after their cat during the trip. It is not for the first time. But previously she wasn't meeting the OM. Now I am not absolutely sure she has a love relationship with him but there were some indications which I mentioned above. Today she insisted that I have to visit her home and take care about the cat. I agreed. Actually I live 5 min walk away form their home, we are in the same neighborhood.

 

My hesitation is whether to tell her that I know about her meeting the OM and it is embarrassing to put me in that situation, and to ask her to look for different solution.

Something more, several days ago she asked me to bring them some groceries because they were tired. Yesterday she called me in the morning to bring her eggs. :confused:

She also initiates some small chats on the phone, which I try keeping short.

 

Any suggestion? :cool:

 

Yeah, stop being her errand boy. Tell her to f off, and have her boyfriend do those things. If it doesn't directly affect your daughter and her well being tell her it's not your responsibility.

 

Then as suggested earlier, find yourself a new woman, this one is using you.

[Nukem]

Tell her to f off

 

I will have to do that more tactfully

[DKT3]

I will have to do that more tactfully

 

Why? She doesn't respect you or give a damn about your feelings.

[Nukem]

Why? She doesn't respect you or give a damn about your feelings.

 

I think she keeps in secret her connection with that man because she knows I'm still not indifferent. I also told our daughter that I do not want to visit their home anymore because her mother has a connection, but daughter believes she hasn't. Anyhow, I will decline her askings gradually, bit by bit. It is better not to confront There is some balance at the moment, I'll try to keep it.

[nolanola]

Did you decide what to do about where your daughter stays when your ex is out of town? If you're not staying at her apartment anymore, I would give an excuse about why you can't take care of the cat. For example, you could make something up about your work or something like that.

I agree that when it comes to your daughter, you should do what would be best for her. But otherwise, there is NO shame in putting your own health and feelings first. Even if it means appearing "weak". I would actually argue that by going along with things as they are (taking care of cat, helping with repairs, etc), you are appearing weaker than you would if you tell her the truth about how you feel. If you can stand up for yourself I think you will feel better about the situation. Your ex is really being quite unfair here. If she wants to have a relationship with this new guy, she cannot expect you to still act like her husband.

[Nukem]

Yep.

I am going to rearrange my flat and she will come here, though it is comfortable for everyone me to go at their place. I still hesitate.

I don't feel I am weak. I feel strong. Do not want second chance or spending time with her. We were first to each other and there are some nice memories, nothing more.

 

There is something confusing. Today Facebook suggested me her OM as a friend. I haven't visited her and his FB profiles since a month or so. It might be because he is a friend to my daughter. I hope FB have not suggested me to him also. :laugh:

[Nukem]

Happy new year to everyone at Loveshack .

 

Here is my asking.

The parents of my exw usually invite me for Christmas and NYE.

This time I was going to decline the invitation, but my daughter insisted and I had to go at their mansion. There was my ex and she was exceptionally pretty and smiling. A feeling of regret again took my mind. What a fool was I to lose such a woman. In the same time I know that I don't possess the qualities to retain her even now, when I am wiser and self-controlled.

 

Still the problem exists. I have to see her frequently at such gatherings. They invites me at birthdays and name days also. Apparently she hasn't presented the OM to her parents and they will continue to invite me for the sake of the daughter.

I respect them but obviously I still suffer the loss. Those meetings when she is in her best shape and appearance are not easy. Moreover, at about 23.30 the OM called /I am not sure if it was him/ and she went out of the room to answer the call.

 

How to manage the next invitation? I don't want to see her. At least not so frequently and at her best.

Do you think that I just regret the loss and my stupidity or I still have feelings to her?

I do not want to look for a girlfriend as someone proposed. I do not need relationship at that moment.

[kgcolonel]

Nukem....I have read your thread and I believe I understand your position as I went through something very similar. I think you are dealing with one of two situations:

 

1. You don't or can't let go of the past and therefore struggle declining continued contact with your Ex by continuing the support of the Ex and accepting the invites from the Ex's family. You are passing this off as someone else's request that you can't decline.

 

2. You're not ready to move on and see life for the here and now, not realizing that the minute you do this, you will be seen as a stronger and more confident man. Even if you have to fake it til you make it. You'll build new confidences and respect when you become more independent.

 

If you carefully explain to both your daughter the level of discomfort you have being around you're Ex, not because you are angry but still suffering the loss, I believe your daughter will understand. If it were me, I would ask her if we could make plans outside of any "family gathering" so as to not have to see the Ex and witness the phone calls etc. Tell your daughter that her mother is entitled to a new connection but you're just not ready to witness or be exposed to it. She should understand.

 

The separation will help you recover but it sounds as if it is time to begin that now and move on with your life. Develop new memories with your daughter independent of the Ex.... I really feel for you and hope you're able to do this.

[Nukem]

If you carefully explain to both your daughter the level of discomfort you have being around you're Ex, not because you are angry but still suffering the loss, I believe your daughter will understand. If it were me, I would ask her if we could make plans outside of any "family gathering" so as to not have to see the Ex and witness the phone calls etc. Tell your daughter that her mother is entitled to a new connection but you're just not ready to witness or be exposed to it. She should understand.

 

The separation will help you recover but it sounds as if it is time to begin that now and move on with your life. Develop new memories with your daughter independent of the Ex.... I really feel for you and hope you're able to do this.

 

Thanks kgcolonel.

I respect her parents, they helped me a lot with my job, business contacts and other things. I am schoolmate and friend with their son. He introduced me to his sister 20 ago He is also happy to see me at those gatherings. You see, it is a little bit complicated.

 

Currently ex maintains the illusion that she is single. Just before NY she called me to ask whether I will go to her parent's house at NYEve, and she told me about a guy who tried to romance her but she lied to him that she has a boyfriend in order to let her alone .

Daughter also believes so. She told me that her mom doesn't have a boyfriend, and since mom and I are in good relations it is normal to visit their home. However, I minimized my interaction with her mom, and we already spend the evenings in my flat.

I will be gradually building the distance, no matter if there is an OM or not.

 

Actually, I am very focused on me and daughter. We both work out a lot - at the gym and track and field. We are in best shape now .

We spend several days a year at the seaside, we swim, watch movies etc.

 

I just need to fix my kitchen, replace some old furniture and will be able to accommodate her almost as comfortable as in her mom's home.

 

PS: I am reading Power of Now, as one of LS members advised .

Edited January 1, 2019 by Nukem

[Nukem]

Hi, all!

 

Today my ex again asked me to move in her house during her 1 week holiday.

I explained her that I know about her boyfriend and I would like our daughter to spend that time at my place. She did not deny the boyfriend part but insisted that she doesn't use her flat and that the cat belongs to our daughter. She also emphasized that we have been divorced for 7 years. I expected her to use those arguments so I asked her to respect my wish and we agreed that daughter should take care of the cat during her mother's trip.

I am afraid my voice was trembling. :(

I am very disappointed with my performance. But I am glad I did it at last.

Apparently I have not overcome anything :(.

 

I think I did the right thing.

I cannot define what is the reason for my weakness after all that time? Do I still love her or is it just jealousy? Is it the insult that she has been lying to me and our daughter about her connection with the same OM who ruined us? Cannot understand why she keeps him secret from daughter in case she has serious intention about the guy, after all she has been meeting him for more than a year? Cannot understand how could she believe that it is absolutely normal her ex to take care for her home and cat while she is on a love trip?

Any opinions?

Edited February 10, 2019 by Nukem

[The Dude Abides]

Hello

 

One of the hardest things I ever had to learn was the ability to say "No" to people who have requests that they tender as entitlements. I finally have gotten much better at saving "No" to people when their requests are inappropriate, inconsiderate, inconvenient, or simply not an option for me to honor.

 

Your ex continues to impose on you because you have been willing to say yes for many years. Yes, it is long past time for her to arrange her own details for her flat, her cat, and everything else in her life. Yes, it is a good thing for you to do everything you can to take care of your daughter. But that doesn't mean staying at the flat or her mother or any other request.

 

Have you had any romantic involvement since you split from your ex? You are questioning if you are behaving this way because you are still in love with her....if you haven't found someone else in the past seven years then yes, you might still be making these decisions because you think you're still in love with the ex.

 

I put up with a lot of crap from my ex while we were married and even for a half-year or so after we separated. I paid for her furniture and even moved her furniture to storage while she was waiting for her new apartment to be ready. Eventually, her requests for help became tiresome and I "woke up and smelled the coffee". I still recall how good it felt that first time I said "No" when she called and wanted me to do something else for her. Man oh man was she pissed off and started berating me for "leaving her hanging". Somehow I kept my cool which made her even more angry LOL.

 

Bottom line: the first time you negotiate one of these NO events is the hardest. Afterwards, you will feel a sense of relief and renewed confidence in yourself . After that, it will be easier and easier to say no when she imposes on you. And BTW, once you get it established that you're not at her beckon call, you will eventually be able to say Yes to the occasional request for something if and only if it suits you and you feel like doing something nice for her.

 

Best wishes as you firm up your resolve to take charge of the situation with the ex.