Awkward situations with ex wife

[Nukem]

Hey dude,

 

I also helped her with a major repair of her apartment after the divorce.

I accepted the guilt about the OM and I felt that I have to redeem my wrongs. I wanted to be thankful to her family about their support. That is why I always answer yes, it never interfere my personal life because I am single, available at any time.

 

Now I think I have to tell her that since she has a solid man next to her it is time for me to stay at distance.

Though, after our phone call that evening I doubt she will try to ask me for small favors again. I think she did those requests just to clear my suspicions about the OM.

[nolanola]

Hugs to you Nukem. Standing up for yourself and enforcing boundaries is so hard. I'm not any good at it either. You loved (or maybe still love) this woman and she broke your heart. She has the power in this situation because you still have feelings for her and she is in this relationship with this other guy. So it makes her feel like she's having it all. That's not the best way of putting it, but I think you know what I mean.

 

I am so excited for you for standing up for yourself. DO NOT feel bad about how you did it or how it went or how your voice sounded. The most important thing is that you DID it!!! That is great. If you can continue to do this and to be consistent, I think you will start to respect yourself more and more. She will probably start to respect you more too, although she is going to hate it in the beginning, because she's not getting her way. Keep focusing on your daughter and improving yourself.

 

How did you like The Power of Now? I haven't read it, but everyone seems to rave about it. I feel somewhat stuck in my situation so I'm always looking for things to "unstick" me

[Nukem]

Thank you, Nola. Your words make me feel good. :)

I paused reading Power of now because I had to prepare for some exams.

I will post my opinion when finish it.

[Marc878]

Your daughter is 15 years old. Hence, you don't need much contact with the X. Limit it to emails or texts, daughter only. Ignore anything else.

 

The biggest problem is you have way too much contact with your so you are keeping yourself in this. You'll never properly detach doing that.

 

Better wake up and quit wasting your life on this.

 

Move on like your X already has.

 

You are the only one keeping yourself bound

[Nukem]

Your daughter is 15 years old. Hence, you don't need much contact with the X. Limit it to emails or texts, daughter only. Ignore anything else.

 

The biggest problem is you have way too much contact with your so you are keeping yourself in this. You'll never properly detach doing that.

 

Better wake up and quit wasting your life on this.

 

Move on like your X already has.

 

You are the only one keeping yourself bound

 

Thank you, Mark.

I know your'e right.

Ex calls me frequently to complain of our daughter behavior. The girl is not bad but her mum exaggerates.

I am already detaching but occasional phone calls are inevitable. :)

 

Thank you for your support. All of you are very considerate and nice

[Marc878]

Thank you, Mark.

I know your'e right.

Ex calls me frequently to complain of our daughter behavior. The girl is not bad but her mum exaggerates.

I am already detaching but occasional phone calls are inevitable. :)

 

Thank you for your support. All of you are very considerate and nice

 

Nope, never answer a phone call direct. Keep it to text or emails.

 

Look man if want a life you must take yourself out of your X's control.

 

I have 3 friends who use this method of limited contact. It works.

 

If not you'll continue as you have.

[Nukem]

Almost every weekend daughter and I visit grandmother and grandfather on her maternal line. They have accustomed to see her and will get upset if we stop. They love her and always prepare lunch and dinner for her. Daughter also loves visiting them. What do you think about those visits? A friend of mine advised me just to drop and collect her later, not to enter the house, which is not very polite by my side.

[Nukem]

Tomorrow daughter comes to spend 1 week with me at my place while her mom is abroad with her boyfriend.

I decided to continue visiting her granny and daddy as frequently as before.

Her mom called me 3-4 time and I did not answer so she texted me.

Cannot still reject all her calls but I feel better when not hearing her. I want to completely forget the sound of her voice.

 

I am not sure I am doing the right thing because several years ago I promised her that she can rely on me. But her meeting the same OM changed my mind. Now she has whom to rely on, moreover she is wealthy and manages a private business.

[Nukem]

This evening daughter called me 3 times asking, almost begging me not to come at my place, because she had to bring many clothes and books, she also pointed out more reasons. Anyway, at the end I explained her everything, told her about the OM, that he is the same who ruined our marriage. Told her that I do not blame neither him nor her mom, but I need to detached. I am afraid I told her more than I intended to. She is a good and smart girl and got me well.

She admitted that she already knew about almost everything. I even sensed from her words that the connection of mom and OM is more than a year old, may be they have never broken up.

Obviously ex have been lying and covering her connection in order to ensure my support, or she was ashamed of being with the same guy. It is possible that she was afraid that I could change my attitude towards the girl and distant myself from both of them. After all she never needed my money or support except my care for the girl.

Whatever the case I will never know.

 

Do not judge me for posting here so often. It is like a diary. Several years later it is interesting and beneficial to look back and recall emotions, rethink decision or just to remind how stupid I was

[DKT3]

Unfortunately it appears you are still being emotionally manipulated.

 

Hopefully, you told your daughter its can be figured out and you are not going to look after your exes responsibilities.

 

Time to just put your foot down, your ex isn't coming back so stop being her doormat, and stop worrying about who she is sleeping with, its keeping you stuck.

[Nukem]

Hey, DTK, nice to see you

 

Daughter is here sleeping in my home

 

I am emotional and predictable.

10 years ago ex predicted that I will not bear seeing her with other man.

She know me better than I know myself:(

 

But right now I don't crave her, do not want to see or hear her.

 

I think that the separation and divorce changed me for good.

I am more self-controlled and reasonable.

Despite this I feel a bit insulted that she made me look like a fool, not that I'm not :):)

[Marc878]

Your life is totally up to you.

 

If you continue catering to everyone else you are living your life for them not you.

 

You'll either cut contact or continue as you have been.

 

No contact works only if you apply it.

 

it is that simple. You don't owe your X or anyone a thing.

 

Better wake up to where YOU have put yourself.

[Marc878]

Hey, DTK, nice to see you

 

Daughter is here sleeping in my home

 

I am emotional and predictable.

10 years ago ex predicted that I will not bear seeing her with other man.

She know me better than I know myself:(

 

But right now I don't crave her, do not want to see or hear her.

 

I think that the separation and divorce changed me for good.

I am more self-controlled and reasonable.

Despite this I feel a bit insulted that she made me look like a fool, not that I'm not :):)

 

No one can make a fool out of you unless you allow it.

 

Stop!!!!

[Nukem]

Hi Marc,

 

thanks for your support.

I care for myself more than most people do.

One of the reason my ex labeled me as a egoistic )

[Nukem]

My daughter spent 6 nights at my home.

During the holiday her mom did not call me.

But this morning she called, I did not answered.

An hour later she texted me:

 

She: I cannot get why do you behave like this

She: I do not understand your behavior

She: We have been separated for more than 6 years and we have communicated as normal people so far

She: Now you are hiding, you don't want to speak with me

Nukem: Accept that people are different and react differently to what happens to them. I do not think that there is what to talk about.

She: There is

She: We have a child and we will always have what to talk about

She: We did not get separated yesterday

She: You could talk before now not

Nukem: About the child what you wanted it was fulfilled, I supported your decisions. Now she is almost adult, I talk to her,

if there is something new you'll write and probably things going to happen as you wish.

She: But why?

She: Are you jealous?

She: Why not to talk with me

She: I do not understand?

she: I have never treated you bad

She: What have you asked me I've done it

She: What did I do to deserve this?

Nukem: I do not treat you bad. I just do not want to talk to you and see you.

She: Why?

She: May I get an answer?

She: Something I have never wanted is not being like those people who have children and cannot communicate.

She: Even you have said it is stupid

Nukem: You have who to rely on. I do not think we owe explanations to each other. I feel it that way, that is how I cope with the situation.

She: There is no situation

She: My relationship is not from yesterday

She: I have broken up and reconciled hundred times (I guess she mean with the same guy)

Hukem: I guess so

She: I do not get how that relate to you

Nukem: You do not owe me explanation as I said.

She: There is nothing between us for a long time

She: Or am I wrong

She: Do you feel something to me

She: Is this the reason for you behaving like this?

She: What is happening, damn it

She: What is the problem

She: Ok, hide like a mice

She: You cannot go out and speak like a man.

END

 

Do you think I have to meet her and explain that when I see her it gets me good and bad memories, it deteriorates my sleep. I relive the divorce, relive the good time and the bad times. That I cannot detach completely.

I do not want to look like a coward, neither to cause her to suffer my emotions.

Didn't I overreact with that LC I'm trying?

Edited March 1, 2019 by Nukem

[Rockdad]

You communicate only about your child, no more and no less. It reads as all your ex has to do is prod you, call you a name enough and it pulls your string to get back into and play the games some more. it. Nukem I've been there. As it's been said your daughter is 15 and mom doesn't need to be involved much, your ex needs to be in your rear view mirror. It doesn't really matter what your ex's personal opinion is of you whether it's a man or mouse. Check your hurt pride and just keep staying clear of her except about your daughter.

[Nukem]

I've already decided only text. Cannot step back.

[FMW]

I think you handled the texting well. Don't let her push you into interactions or conversations.

 

Unless it's about your daughter, ignore her texts or other attempts at communication.

[Marc878]

She is used to getting her way and being in complete control over you.

 

She does not like you standing up taking control and going your own way.

 

You will like the new you because now you can move on like she has.

 

Much clarity will come to you now. You should have done this upfront but you can't go back only forward.

 

Stay hard no contact. It only works if you apply it. You'll see

[Marc878]

She had no respect for you. Now you are getting your self respect back. You teach people how they can treat you.

 

Stay strong and you will like your new life as time goes on.

 

It is your life and you can do what you want with it. No one Elisha's that power unless you give it to them

[nolanola]

People tend to not like it when boundaries are enforced. I don't know how long you were married to her, but I'm guessing it's been a very long time of her feeling that she can act or treat you a certain way and you will respond in a certain way. When you did something different she didn't like it because you took back some control. There is nothing wrong with what you've done in this situation. You don't owe her an explanation outside of saying that it's better for you to text about your daughter at this time. You don't have to tell her why and if she's upset about it, that's her problem.

 

I highly suspect that she's upset that she can't get the response from you and the support that she used to. As divorced parents, you guys have to be in some contact because of your daughter. But she's got this OM for support and she should not be trying to rely on you to help with things, support her, fix things, and so forth. She can ask him if she needs help. Some people are able to move on very easily after divorcing and to be friends. One of my family friends divorced her husband (he was cheating on her) and then became good friends with him and his other woman (who then became his wife)! But if you need to have space, that's ok and perfectly acceptable. You don't owe her anything because you guys were married. Keep the text messages civil and to the point.

 

I think you're doing really well.

[Nukem]

Finding my way, Nola, Marc, thank you again.

I needed your affirmations.

 

BTW, she admitted involuntarily that she and the OM are in permanent brake-up and reconcile cycle.

I think she is addicted to that man, but cannot rely on him. Though she has her family and their financial power.

 

Anyway, I believe that NS works :cool:

[preraph]

Well, even if she'd not with that OM, she's surely dating different people, so you need to give up on the hope that she's not and just accept it. That is your daughter, and you should help with her. And if you don't have a place to do it, then her place is where to do it. All you can do is ask your ex not to bring any of her men around and let her know you don't want to encounter her with them. But she's gone. And you need to help with your daughter, not only do it if you think she's not dating!

[DKT3]

Yeah, she is gone. However, I suspect that if Nukem is true to his words about no longer being her emotional leaning post she will maneuver herself back into his good graces, using whatever it takes. She really seems like a very entitled and manipulative woman.

[Marc878]

Finding my way, Nola, Marc, thank you again.

I needed your affirmations.

 

BTW, she admitted involuntarily that she and the OM are in permanent brake-up and reconcile cycle.

I think she is addicted to that man, but cannot rely on him. Though she has her family and their financial power.

 

Anyway, I believe that NS works :cool:

 

Her words don't and never did mean a thing. You can never trust a cheater.

 

She is a typical cake eater. No contact means no contact. It only works if you fully apply it.

 

Drop any fantasy of her coming back and being the wonderful person you want her to be and wasted 6 long years on.

 

Life is very short. Start living it.