ai_hawk Posted October 31, 2018 Share Posted October 31, 2018 (edited) Been married 2 years. It's been a rocky road and almost came to "D". Fast forward... things have improved in the last 3 weeks even though I am still very uneasy because most of her stuff is not in our apartment. It seems difficult to explain - and it is but I am looking to ask specific types of questions. My wife is difficult to read most times. Anyone knows that if someone says "there is nothing wrong" or saying yes to "are you ok?" in that "tone", means there is something wrong but she won't say. Anyway, in the last 3-4 weeks after a big bust up, she is pleasant than before for sure but I still feel she is hiding things from me. OK, I am going off on a tangent here. I do express my feelings or her, in letters but also orally. I, most of the time, just get a "thank you" or a smile. But nothing more. For women who are not as talkative, I guess, or never admit to something being their fault (i.e hard for them to even literally say sorry) - how can I get more out from her? With me, she has always been like this. I want her to expand on answers than just "Yes". Or for her to initiate things rather than just me giving hints. What is the best thing to do? I do feel emotionally insecure and just have to "make do" with it, which I really don't like. We had our anniversary 3 weeks ago. It was great for sure. Took her to a very expensive restaurant and got dressed up. It was great. Anyway, I just don't know how to get things out from her but specifically to talk about how she feels about me or "spontaneous" compliments or something deep, know what I mean? I tell her she is very beautiful, pretty, sexy etc... and she just smiles and sometimes has a small laugh but in her body language or eyes... I don't get that "moment" from her. Just seems like it's been brushed off. this past weekend, we did have relations. It was great and it's been quite some time since it was like that, but there used to be more that we did... not sure how to get it back to that point or maybe spice things up without her thinking that I am cheating or something (it's never happened but this has been a big problem - long story). We did see a MC for 3 sessions but then she said that we would go to another session if we have an argument and we cannot resolve it. um... ok? But these are very easy resolutions but she just makes it bigger than what it really is and come up with ideas in her mind and goes with it. Sorry, this is all over the place. Just trying to get to a good point again without rocking the boat and letting her come on her own without me pushing. Edited November 1, 2018 by ai_hawk Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted November 1, 2018 Share Posted November 1, 2018 Well, the marriage counselor should have worked on getting her communicating. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ai_hawk Posted November 1, 2018 Author Share Posted November 1, 2018 Agreed but it's only been 3 sessions and she has been the one always talking and making me look bad and humiliating me... then gets all butthurt when I try to talk and be honest about a few things. but for now - I am talking about without the MC Link to post Share on other sites
MountainGirl111 Posted November 1, 2018 Share Posted November 1, 2018 I know a couple who is struggling with the opposite. He is the quiet one and she is the more talkative one. They've been together for a long time now and have kids and as far as I know neither of them has ever cheated. BUT....it really bugs her that he is so quiet. She thinks he is being passive aggressive, but I think he is just the quiet shy retiring type who is lost in his thoughts most of the time. He is highly intellectual. He loves his books and computers and always excelled at math and engineering and stuff. And she just this loud boistrous woman for whom there doesn't seem to be enough noise and commotion in the world. Yet, I know they love each other. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ai_hawk Posted November 1, 2018 Author Share Posted November 1, 2018 Funny. I am into computers, intellectual etc... but I do talk, Feelings is VERY important to me, as is affection. Seems like I am always the one giving affection... sexually, I want her to engage/initiate and talk but she doesn't. I just want to know if I am doing things right, if she wants me...thinks of me etc... Link to post Share on other sites
MountainGirl111 Posted November 1, 2018 Share Posted November 1, 2018 I don't know your wife's background, how she was raised, etc. What kind of childhood did she have? In many cases we learned HOW to show love from our parents and families and early childhood friends. Our concept of sex, for example can be imbedded into our brains and whether or not it is something to be ASHAMED of and have cold indifference for. Some people are open about it and some people are not because in the world they came from it was strictly NOT TALKED ABOUT!! .... For Heaven's sake don't dare show your emotions!! Some people have a hard time showing love and affection....reasons for this vary of course. Children learn what they live, but when we grow up we tend to branch out and do our own thing. I was raised strict on the one hand, but we were a very huggy family on the other hand. My ex husband did not come from a huggy family, but he was a big hugger himself. So, he kind of turned out the opposite of how he was raised! Go figure on that one. Link to post Share on other sites
Springsummer Posted November 1, 2018 Share Posted November 1, 2018 It's painful to see all the threads again and again talking about the same thing. Just be a man and get a divorce and over with already. The woman is not into you. You don't love her. You just need/want her because of your insecurity and you are clingy and you think you can't get better. Hate to break it to you. but the woman doesn't like you and never will. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ai_hawk Posted November 1, 2018 Author Share Posted November 1, 2018 MG111: funny. Me too - don't talk about sex etc... and the whole being ashamed thing. I told her about it in the beginning but she said there is no need to be, it's not like anyone is watching us and it is for us... made me feel better and more open for sure. But now... I just don't know, after the issues we had recently. SpringSummer: Thanks. I do understand. But at least I'm trying and doing all I can. Link to post Share on other sites
Springsummer Posted November 1, 2018 Share Posted November 1, 2018 Some people are open about it and some people are not because in the world they came from it was strictly NOT TALKED ABOUT!! .... For Heaven's sake don't dare show your emotions!!. Give me a break! This woman has been divorce before. so she wan't a virgin and quite experience with man. Link to post Share on other sites
Springsummer Posted November 1, 2018 Share Posted November 1, 2018 Some people have a hard time showing love and affection....reasons for this vary of course. . This is not applicable to the wife. She simply has no love for OP. Link to post Share on other sites
MountainGirl111 Posted November 1, 2018 Share Posted November 1, 2018 Ok, ok, Springsummer, I get it. I had not read OP's opening post/history and stuff. Link to post Share on other sites
MountainGirl111 Posted November 1, 2018 Share Posted November 1, 2018 I'm not going to get too much more into what makes a man or woman tick and click sexually. It's possible they are not compatible in more ways than one. OP, did she really take all that money from you? That's a lot of money. I don't see how she just felt free to take that. She's treated you like crap, OP. Not just in withholding affection, but in other ways. She's been abusive to you? Link to post Share on other sites
MountainGirl111 Posted November 1, 2018 Share Posted November 1, 2018 Give me a break! This woman has been divorce before. so she wan't a virgin and quite experience with man. Just because someone has been married before does not make them into expressive lovers. I think if this couple is going to stay together they would benefit from sex therapy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ai_hawk Posted November 1, 2018 Author Share Posted November 1, 2018 MG: Correct. She has been abusive emotionally and verbally for sure, and almost physically. I have to put all that to one side and put a smile on my face, trying to move forward. She has been great the past 3-4 weeks (or better, I should say). yesterday evening turned a little bit and as did first thing this morning - all because I threw packing away for something I bought for a gag/fun for me to wear for her. Agreed about compatibility but at least I am trying, because it was not quite like it is at the moment. I guess I need some guidance/advice on how to open her up or get closer to me prior to all the "scuffle" for the past 2 months. Link to post Share on other sites
A O Posted November 1, 2018 Share Posted November 1, 2018 Sorry, this is all over the place. Just trying to get to a good point again without rocking the boat and letting her come on her own without me pushing. Well, good communication is an all-important relationship requirement and it looks like here, that your communication styles are incompatible, which in my experience is a big, big deal. You can try to persevere, perhaps write to her how all this makes you feel and what you would love to see from her (communicationally speaking) and how happy that would make you feel in return. You could persevere, but short of some kind of positive response to your letter to her, I see a leaking boat more than rocking boat in motion here. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted November 1, 2018 Share Posted November 1, 2018 You've been married 2 years and you speak about her as if she was just dropped on your lap and you know nothing of her. Didn't you know this about her before marrying? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ai_hawk Posted November 1, 2018 Author Share Posted November 1, 2018 Gaeta - actually no. We didn't "date" as such but from everything we spoke about etc... it seemed right and is what we were both looking for. Threw caution to the wind - but do not judge please. All I am saying, we have been through a pretty rough time recently. I just want to know what I can do. I do tell her about that it would be nice if she communicated with me more but...I just get a smile or a nodding head or if she is in her mood then it's a "I am, aren't I?" when she actually really isn't. Link to post Share on other sites
MountainGirl111 Posted November 2, 2018 Share Posted November 2, 2018 (edited) Ok, since you guys didn't date, I'm wondering how well you really know her? She could have a thought disorder going on inside her head, for all you know, which might be why she seems preoccupied. Maybe her mind really IS preoccupied. It sounds like she is very guarded. What kind of past does she have? Maybe things have happened in her past so she is just not comfortable sharing much. Edited November 2, 2018 by MountainGirl111 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ai_hawk Posted November 2, 2018 Author Share Posted November 2, 2018 Excellent points but I dont think its pre occupied or much of the past stuff as she is "cut and dry" as she puts it. Guarded? Possibly but only because of her thinking I've cheated when it's not even true nor possible. Link to post Share on other sites
MountainGirl111 Posted November 2, 2018 Share Posted November 2, 2018 Excellent points but I dont think its pre occupied or much of the past stuff as she is "cut and dry" as she puts it. Guarded? Possibly but only because of her thinking I've cheated when it's not even true nor possible. Okay...I don't know why she's guarded...I don't know her. She may be guarded for various reasons. You might know more about that than I do. WHY does she think you've cheated? Have any of your behaviors given her reason to think so? I'm only asking as a way for you to approach and problem solve here. Or just ask her WHY she thinks you've cheated. She may be way off base and you can only get it settled if the two of you can have a very honest discussion and be open. You need to go to her and tell her you NEED to have an open discussion and you can't take much more of this so she needs to open up! Be assertive. That means you start your sentences with "I feel" or "I need". If she doesn't respond much, then I don't know where you can go from there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ai_hawk Posted November 2, 2018 Author Share Posted November 2, 2018 Without getting to much into it - I have never cheated but know why she thinks so. However when I am assertive, I get nothing back from her honestly. Nothing. So I just don't know what to think or do or say, literally. I am always in the apartment and work from home but I should go into the office so I am somewhat controlled in a way, and to make her see that I am not even cheating. She already has problems because I communicate with co-workers, some of which are females but this is purely professional. I work in a team! But in any event, just no idea what to think or do. Some things she responds to is a slap in the face to me, but at least I am trying and still have to "bare" with the outbursts and her attitude because apparently, it's only fair. (really, it's not). Link to post Share on other sites
MountainGirl111 Posted November 2, 2018 Share Posted November 2, 2018 Hmmm. Okay. Well, she's guarded for whatever reason. Food for thought: When people are guarded they are usually trying to keep something under lock and key or bolted shut. What do you think that could be? Is she afraid of true intimacy because she is afraid of getting hurt? hmm Maybe that's it. She trying to protect herself. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted November 2, 2018 Share Posted November 2, 2018 Gaeta - actually no. We didn't "date" as such but from everything we spoke about etc... it seemed right and is what we were both looking for. Threw caution to the wind - but do not judge please. All I am saying, we have been through a pretty rough time recently. I just want to know what I can do. I do tell her about that it would be nice if she communicated with me more but...I just get a smile or a nodding head or if she is in her mood then it's a "I am, aren't I?" when she actually really isn't. Why would you marry someone you barely know? Apparently she isn't too quiet if she can be verbally abusive. I don't mean to pry but how is your sex life with her? Link to post Share on other sites
MountainGirl111 Posted November 2, 2018 Share Posted November 2, 2018 This may be her. She may not be a great communicator or not with you. I have no idea why that might be because I don't know her. But, I've know other people who were like that and it can feel like pulling teeth to get them to open up. When people are guarded it's usually because they are afraid of something. Fear. You likely don't know everything about her childhood since the two of you didn't even date. She could have childhood trauma....things she may not even consciously remember....that happened at a very young age.....people can do a lot of "blocking out" of bad memories because the reality is it's just way too painful to face. They can also suppress and repress. We have no idea, for example when we come into contact with people in our lives those who have been abused or raped or molested. We don't know all of it. That's not something too openly talked about....but people tend to carry these things around for years....afraid of true intimacy; afraid of getting hurt; afraid to be open and vulnerable. Statistically we have "figures" of how many women have been sexually abused, for example. There are statistics for rape. But I think it's even higher than that because it is often unreported; not brought out in the open. So what IS the true number, if everything is not reported and compiled into data? Now, I'm not saying this is what's going on with your gal....but it's just something to think about. There's a reason why she is guarded. There's a reason for every type of human behavior. It sounds like to me she is AFRAID to be more open. Maybe you remind her of someone who has hurt her before. I don't know and you may not know unless she can start opening up better. I hope the two of you can get there.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author ai_hawk Posted November 2, 2018 Author Share Posted November 2, 2018 Totally understand and I have been thinking this too for a while but she says that the past has nothing to do with anything. Really, I am in strong belief that she is trying to sabotage this and throw her attitude around and see how far she can go. But at least, and I am grateful, that the past 3-4 weeks have been far better since Sept. FAR better. Today is my birthday. She was great in the morning but then all of a sudden at the beginning of the afternoon, after her shower - she is not been engaged in anything but in bed "relaxing" - meaning, she is sleeping. No idea why. I don't mind but it's like... it's been 3 hours now she has been sleeping. She had a bit of an attitude but I dismissed the attitude, just because. So, we will see what happens when she wakes up and for the rest of the evening. I agree, there is a reason for every type of behavior but she just shuts that rationale down every time. Link to post Share on other sites
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