My son does not like my boyfriend

[mazza32cott]

Hi all. It's been a while since I have been here due to the fact that I have been soooo busy with work.

 

To cut a long story short, previously I wrote here saying a had a guy who kept going back to his ex. Anyhow, the last time he went back to his ex, they moved over East, I am in WA.

 

Four weeks ago, he came back. He didn't have a place to stay so I said he could stay here. I am very happy and things are going well. One problem I have is that he has stuff in storage with his ex and I want him to pick it up but he says he doesn't want it but to me it is still a link with his ex. Maybe I am going too far there, don't know.

 

The other problem is that my son (13 soon) doesn't like him. I have asked him why and he says it's because he tells jokes that aren't funny and that he touched his skateboard. I don't know what to do and this is making me feel sad. I have wanted this guy back and I love him. Please help.

[bluechocolate]

....had a guy who kept going back to his ex.

 

Maybe your son realises that having a yo-yo relationship like this isn't the smartest thing to be doing with your life, and his for that matter.

 

He didn't have a place to stay so I said he could stay here.

 

Don't know what to say really.

 

One problem I have is that he has stuff in storage with his ex and I want him to pick it up but he says he doesn't want it....

 

Just the one problem? How many times has he gone back to the ex now? Why should he pick his stuff up? - you know & he knows he's gonna be back there again.

 

For your own sake & that of your son's, you need to ditch this guy & move on.

[Merin]

....had a guy who kept going back to his ex.

 

Maybe your son realises that having a yo-yo relationship like this isn't the smartest thing to be doing with your life, and his for that matter.

 

He didn't have a place to stay so I said he could stay here.

 

Don't know what to say really.

 

One problem I have is that he has stuff in storage with his ex and I want him to pick it up but he says he doesn't want it....

 

Just the one problem? How many times has he gone back to the ex now? Why should he pick his stuff up? - you know & he knows he's gonna be back there again.

 

For your own sake & that of your son's, you need to ditch this guy & move on.

 

Agreed.

 

This Guy sounds like bad news... he's gone back to his Ex several times (That alone should be telling you something) there is no way of really knowing what the reasons were for his most recent split with her, I know he's given you his version of what happenend BUT you need to remember there are 3 sides to every story, HIS, HERS and what ACTUALLY HAPPENEND.

 

Second this Guy comes back to town and has no where to stay... and although he clearly has broke your heart in the past when he ran back to his Girl you're now allowing him to move in with you no questions asked... this isn't a good idea.

 

I also second what Blue said regarding your Son... IMO your Son may feel this isn't a good relationship for you... when this Guy broke your heart in the past don't think your Son didn't get that... he (your Son) loves you and is probably fearful for you in this situation.

 

Is this Guy married by chance to this other Woman in question?

[Taby]

I don't agree exactly that you'd have to end the relationship with him. Although I don't think that it's right that he comes to you time and time again when he splits with his ex... I think you need to make it clear to him that you love him, but you won't take him fully into your life unless he is 100% sure of what he wants. Just because he came to you again, won't prove that. As it didn't in the past since he seems to have made a habbit of yoyoying in between you and his ex. It might be better if he didn't live with you for now... At least until he figures out what he really wants... You could still date him and take things slowly... About the stuff in the storage... Leave it up to him to decide what he'll do with it. It's his things not yours.. If he wants to leave them to his ex, so be it.. In my opinion, that should be the least of your worries... And as for your son... I agree with Merin and Blue... He's probably worried you've entered the same cycle again... and he's concerned for his mom... he needs stability, and he's clearly not getting this since you first been with you b/f... it might eliminate his concerns if your b/f moved out... your b/f not only needs to earn your son's trust, but yours... I know you love him and want to open your arms to him... but don't do so blindfolded... He's left you for her in the past, what tells you he won't do it again... Until you know for sure, don't take him back in your lives... Your son might have the answers you're looking for, and you just don't know it... Good luck...

[mazza32cott]

Can we take this from I have already taken him back. It is too late for thinking about that.

 

Things are going good between him and I right now. He has changed his number so that his ex can't contact him. He behaves very different this time.

He has now agreed to get his stuff out of storage if that's what I want.

 

I just want everyone to be happy.

 

Maz

[mazza32cott]

One more thing. I have made it very clear that if he has any contact with his ex, it will be over for us forever and I really DO mean that.

[Merin]

Wish you the best with things... still please talk to your Son about what's bothering him... Good Luck

[mazza32cott]

I believe in giving people a chance. Wrong or right. He wouldn't be here if I didn't want him here. He wouldn't be here if I didn't have strong feelings for him.

 

I guess he makes me happy too. I love waking up with him in the morning. He is cruizy to have around as he does not require my constant attention. Hooray.

 

I already know that my son will not like anyone I am going out with. I have been single for three years. I have had many men interested but no-one who I connect with. This guy is different to most guys I have been with and maybe that's what attracts me.

 

He's not rich but he works. He is sensitive and he is kind. All I can say is this is the last time I will give this a chance and I wholeheartedly know this will be the last chance.

 

Don't know, guess I am just confused.

 

Maz

[Kitteney]

I'm concerned about your son.

 

Is your son's father still around? Is he married? Your son might not approve of the men you date because he might be holding out hope that you and his father will get back together.

 

Also, I think kids are pretty perceptive and can detect a loser much quicker than adults can since they are not as emotionally invested as us. So try to stay objective with Yo-Yo Man and take into consideration what your son has to say. I'm not saying a 13-year-old should run their parent's life, but his emotional needs should be top priority.

 

If he is acting out or rebelling against your significant others, maybe some counseling (you and your son) might be needed.

[Merin]

I believe in giving people a chance. Wrong or right. He wouldn't be here if I didn't want him here. He wouldn't be here if I didn't have strong feelings for him.

 

I guess he makes me happy too. I love waking up with him in the morning. He is cruizy to have around as he does not require my constant attention. Hooray.

 

I already know that my son will not like anyone I am going out with. I have been single for three years. I have had many men interested but no-one who I connect with. This guy is different to most guys I have been with and maybe that's what attracts me.

 

He's not rich but he works. He is sensitive and he is kind. All I can say is this is the last time I will give this a chance and I wholeheartedly know this will be the last chance.

 

Don't know, guess I am just confused.

 

Maz

 

Maz, I never said people don't deserve second chances... I wonder IF this is a second chance... You also said this...

 

To cut a long story short, previously I wrote here saying a had a guy who kept going back to his ex.

 

The Keyword sticking out in my mind is he KEPT on going back to his EX... to me this didn't say this was a one time event.

 

I'm not saying your Son is going to like everyone you meet, but I am saying that IMO it is your responsibility as his Mom to find out what's bothering him about this Guy... talk to him... talk to your BF as well and ask him why he thinks your Son feels this way... ask your BF how he (your BF) feels about your Son... this IS important.

 

This Guy is living with you and your Son... your decisions effect him as well.

[mazza32cott]

First thanks for your comments, they are very much appreciated.

 

He went back to his ex twice, apparantly the last time was through emtional blackmail with the suicide thing. I guess he could've moved in with his mother as his mother did think that was what he was going to do but he preffered not to. I have met his family on several occassions which should entail this is not just a fling.

 

My youngest son does not like him because he says jokes that aren't funny. I think he just does not like him period because some of my attention is foccussed on him. I am, however, very careful not to take any attention away from my son. My youngest one, however, is going through a bit of a you don't tell me what to do and if you say black I will say white stage....

 

We had a Japanese student living with us for 9 months and he didn't like her. When I asked him why, he said because she only wants to talk to you. This Japanese girl was lovely and did spend time with the boys and even bought them things.

 

Maz

My oldest son doesn't mind my boyfriend at all and they get along good.

[Tiggerlove]

I know its too late in this situation, but IF you end up dating other men, why don't you keep your dating life seperated from your home life. Your son is your # one priority--he is definitally a priority over your love life. You don't NEED a man next to you to survive. But you do need your son to feel comfortable in his own home, instead of hating your boyfriend. IF he hates your boyfriend, then tell the boyfriend to move out into an apartment, so your son can live in his own home with his mother. Not his home with his mother and her boyfriend. If that senario happens, don't be at his apt ALL the time or he at your house ALL the time. Be with your son MOST of the time and occassionaly visit your friend.

 

He's screwed you in the past, your son knows it, and all you're going to end up doing is losing your sons respect.

[mazza32cott]

Hi Tiggerlove

 

I have kept all of the men I have dated away from my children instead of this one because I am in love with this man. I will not let my children rule my life as I do not feel that is appropriate or warranted for. My children are very much loved and exceptionally well cared for and I do not once question my ability to be a good mother.

 

Sorry but I do not agree with having to live my life the way my son expects me too. You only live once. If I thought in any way this man was going to harm my children, he would not be here. I have spoken to my son's teacher about this as I know her well and she has said that he needs to come to terms with the fact that mum is allowed to have a boyfriend and just to make sure I include him.

 

Unfortunately my ex, my son's father, does not spend much time with him and never has done. I have been doing my best to compensate for this by spending a lot of time with him and this has not changed. It may be worth adding too that when I was married to his father he did comment on several occassions that I was spening too much time with my husband (his father).

 

My son is a gorgeous child, and I love him to bits. My boys mean more to me than anyone else. I do think, however, that there should be a way of me enjoying my life in harmony with my sons and whoever I choose to be with. I don't think that's too much to ask.

 

Maz

[Kitteney]

I'm divorced. I don't have kids. But my parents divorced when I was rather young. IMO children should be the first priority. That is why when I date divorced men with children, I will not meet a man's child unless I am reasonably certain the relationship was going somewhere.

 

This guy has left you twice. He's back for round three. And now he's living with you and your children? Do you have a ring and a date? To me, that would be a greater indication that the relationship was strong and might last, as opposed to him taking you to hang out with his parents.

 

About your troubled child. You say you talked with his teacher about his behavior. Is he acting out at school, too? (sorry if you already mentioned this, I'm overdue for an eye exam. )

[bluechocolate]

This guy has left you twice. He's back for round three. And now he's living with you and your children?

 

And what lessons do you think your son is learning here? What do you think this teaches him about the role of men in relationships with women & families?

Unfortunately my ex, my son's father, does not spend much time with him and never has done.

 

And here is another male role model in his life, & this one keeps leaving. Are there any strong male role models in his life?

 

Sorry but I do not agree with having to live my life the way my son expects me too. You only live once.

 

I don't think very many people would say that you have to live your life the way your son expects you too. However, it's not just your life anymore, is it? Yes, you only live once & so do your children.

 

If I thought in any way this man was going to harm my children, he would not be here.

 

That is the point though, having a man like this in your life can indeed harm your children. I think that is why most of the responses concentrated on your son. Even if there weren't kids involved, I'd still tell you to ditch this guy.

[mazza32cott]

OK, yes him going back to his ex before is not the best situation. All agree. He has now changed his phone number and is getting his stuff out of storage on Saturday. He is showing me signs that he is not going back there. I was not in a little fling with this man. We spent a lot of time together and I have met all his family on several occasions, spent Xmas with them etc.

 

Yes, he does want to get married, however, until I feel confident about everything (which time will tell) I am NOT getting married.

 

Yes of course I feel a bit hesitant because of what has happened before. I did say he had nowhere else to go but he Could have gone to his mothers I guess.

 

Yes I do have children to think about and believe me they have always come first and always will. That does NOT mean I have to kick this man out because my youngest son does not want him there. I have already explained that my youngest gets very jealous of anyone spending time with me whether it is men or women.

 

I am a very good mother and that is not in question here so do not slag me off and say I have them to think about as well. I know that and do not need to be told to suck eggs.

 

What I was hoping for is some GOOD advice on working on a relationship between my boyfriend and my son. Does anybody have any?

 

Maz

[mazza32cott]

Kitteney

 

My son is not having problems at school in fact he is doing much better than he has for a long time since the breakup with my husband 3 years ago. His teacher has met this man and she thinks he is lovely.

 

Also I would like to add that my other son who is one year older has really come out of his shell since this man is back and is enjoying his company.

 

It is not always necessary to have negative thoughts over someone, don't forget you have not met him.

 

Maz

[Merin]

 

What I was hoping for is some GOOD advice on working on a relationship between my boyfriend and my son. Does anybody have any?

 

Maz

 

I recommended you speak to your Son AND ask your BF about why HE THINKS your Son feels this way... your BF is the adult and IMO he NEEDS to do more to make that connection with your Son...

[mazza32cott]

OK my son has told me he does not like my boyfriend because he tells jokes that are not funny. I have spoken with my son and explained that I will never love anybody like I love my son and that he is always my first priority. My boyfried is very easy going and very understanding and thinks it might be because he has come and gone. He does not try to push himself onto my son but is always friendly and polite to him. He says that it is probably time what is needed. He never tells him what to do etc... He dished them up dinner last night, you know just little things like that which are not intruding...

 

Maz

[mazza32cott]

OK, yes him going back to his ex before is not the best situation. All agree. He has now changed his phone number and is getting his stuff out of storage on Saturday. He is showing me signs that he is not going back there. I was not in a little fling with this man. We spent a lot of time together and I have met all his family on several occasions, spent Xmas with them etc.

 

Yes, he does want to get married, however, until I feel confident about everything (which time will tell) I am NOT getting married.

 

Yes of course I feel a bit hesitant because of what has happened before. I did say he had nowhere else to go but he Could have gone to his mothers I guess.

 

Yes I do have children to think about and believe me they have always come first and always will. That does NOT mean I have to kick this man out because my youngest son does not want him there. I have already explained that my youngest gets very jealous of anyone spending time with me whether it is men or women.

 

I am a very good mother and that is not in question here. The last time I never told my boys we were back together, I said we were friends and he wasn't living with us then. We all did things together, bowling, movies etc...

 

What I was hoping for is some advice on working on a relationship between my boyfriend and my son. Does anybody have any?

My son is not having problems at school in fact he is doing much better than he has for a long time since the breakup with my husband 3 years ago. His teacher has met this man and she thinks he is lovely.

 

Also I would like to add that my other son who is one year older has really come out of his shell since this man is back and is enjoying his company.

 

It is not always necessary to have negative thoughts over someone, don't forget you have not met him. Is it not possible that it is hard to break up when you are receiving a lot of emotional blackmail???

 

One last thing... Do you think that the fact that my ex pumps the boys for information on my private life have anything to do with my son not liking my boyfriend?

 

Maz

[Tiggerlove]

Make your "boyfriend" move out of your house!!!

 

thats the only way to help your son. He isn't a good role model for your son, and you letting some guy you're not married to live with you isn't being a big role model either!

[mazza32cott]

I have already asked my son does he want me to ask my boyfriend to move and the answer was no. That was over a week ago.

 

Let me point out that I am a worrier. All I want is for everyone to be happy. Tiggerlove I appreciate your comments but they are a bit tunnel vision. I feel you need to look at the big picture and perhaps read what I have written about what has happened in the past with my son's attitude even toward other women that have spent time with me and also the comments about my ex.

 

If both my sons didn't like him there would be a problem. One likes him, the other doesn't.

 

My ex absolutely drills my kids about my private life. When this guy was here before, he even took me to court for full custody which I won without the need for a lawyer. My ex has been so nasty over the past 3 years it is unbelievable.

 

My ex met a woman who has a rich nephew. The nephew agreed to pay for my boys to go to the Gold Coast. My older son is going but my younger one does not want to go because he is more interested in staying home and playing with his skateboard and friends.

 

My ex sent me an email saying "I am not having much more to do with the kids after these holidays. ***(the younger son) can skate with his ****mate, you can all go and get f*****." Charming hey????

 

At least I know this guy is nothing like that...

 

 

I was hoping for some advice on helping build the relationship. You have not given me any of that to date. If I was not a concerned mother I would not be here. I love my sons to bits. They are the most important people in my life. What I am hoping for is some help to build on a relationship that gives me happiness also.

 

Anyhow, this morning, everyone was cherpy and happy. Hopefully that is a start of better things to come. Holdiays coming up and I have one week to spend with my youngest one, movies, royal show etc....

 

Maz

[Tiggerlove]

Nope, no tunnel vision here.

I read every little thing you wrote, but a 13 year old won't tell you everything they are thinking. In reality, I'm sure you know nothing about your son.At that age, they start keeping secrets. He may be hating your boyfriend for more reasons than he's stating, but knows it will hurt your feelings if he says more. Hopefully he doesn't start disrespecting women after his mother is bringing home men just because they don't have a place to stay. This guy has failed you not once, but twice now...and yet you actually BRING HIM INTO YOUR HOME WITH YOUR KIDS!!!

 

"No ring--No home", should be a sign over your door so your boys know that its wrong.

Apparently the sign currently hanging over your door is

"Screw me over--MOVE IN" Nice parenting. You just need to tell your boyfriend he needs to move out....that will fix your problem, dear.

[mazza32cott]

No ring, no home???? What era do you live in?

 

And yes I do know my son. Do you have kids? How old? Have you always had perfect relationships?

[Tiggerlove]

Unfortunatly I live in the same "ERA" as you do.

 

and also unfortunatly I grew up in a house much like yours right now..and I hated my mother for it. The boyfriend was a "good guy" and all, but I didn't feel like my mother cared anymore for my brother and I. I felt like she cared more about her stupid boyfriend than me. she said the SAME things about the guy as you are, and also that I couldn't run her life. Well, I ended up staying at friends houses more and more because I hated going home. She wasn't married to him, nor was he my freakin father, yet I still had to come home after school...knowing that man would be there. I ended up losing respect for my mother...she was a good mother otherwise..but I couldn't take that she'd prefer to have a man live with us in OUR house, then to visit him at his house, or him come over occassionally for dinner. That would have been fine. but no. Are they still together? No.

 

No, I don't have children..I'm 24 and I plan on being happilly married and have children with my wonderful husband..not some guy I'm gonna get divorced to, and then let a man who screwed me over twice before move in with us.

I can't make predictions..but I'm not screwing my family like my mother did.

 

pathetic.