Author mazza32cott Posted September 14, 2005 Author Share Posted September 14, 2005 Me being 20 years older than you, believe me things do not always turn out so rosy. I hope things work out for you though. I wanted to only get married once and stay with that man for the rest of my life. Didn't happen so you need to move on and make the best out of it. I am sorry you suffered through your mother's boyfriend and I do hope your mother has found happiness because she at least does deserve that. I am not your mother so I cannot comment on her love for you. My boys know I love them and that they are more important to me than anyone else. That is not in question. I am a very affectionate person and my love for my sons shines through to the stage where people who know me comment on it all the time. My love for them is not an issue and they know it. I spend a LOT of time with my boys. One of the reasons I admire my boyfirend is because he understands my love for my sons and knows I like to spend time with them. He does not intrude on that time and never complains about it. I have had other boyfriends, and believe me they have been far more demanding and it has led to complications due to the fact that I have responsibilities. My sons ALWAYS come first, always have, always will. In the end if this doesn't work out then of course I know who will be the one to go. The whole reason for me being on here though is because I would love this to work because I am in love with this man and THAT is what I would like some assistance with. After 43 years on this earth, I have enough knowledge to know that it is not a perfect world. If only things could be the way we wanted. I am still sad over the way things didn't work out with me ex. I wish they had but they haven't and that is the cold hard truth. I am not someone that brings "men" home. This guy is the only one my sons have met and as I said my older one likes him. I have always had problems with my younger son. He used to comment on me spending too much time with my ex (his father). I had an international student living with me, a Japanese girl, he hated her because she spent time with me. You see what I am dealing with is not someone who does not get my attention or is not loved. This little guy is loved to the max and he gets a LOT of my attention. I am dealing with a personality. Try to understand not everyone is in the same situation as you. That is what I meant by tunnel vision. I hope all goes well for you. Maz Link to post Share on other sites
Kitteney Posted September 14, 2005 Share Posted September 14, 2005 If I thought in any way this man was going to harm my children, he would not be here. That is the point though, having a man like this in your life can indeed harm your children. I think that is why most of the responses concentrated on your son. Even if there weren't kids involved, I'd still tell you to ditch this guy. Bluechocolate makes an excellent point. Harm does not always come with a swift slap up 'side the head. Maz, you have asked several times about how you can improve the relationship between you, your kids and this man. I think you answered your own question. You described a time that you had taken him back, but you had not told the children. He was not living with you at the time, you all did stuff together and everyone was happy. Hmmm... I think the key is getting the guy out of the house. Thank you for responding to my question about your child and how he is improving in school. Since he is fine at school but not at home, I sense the root of your son's problem lies somewhere in your home. Hmmm... one more reason why the guy has got to go. Even if this guy had not been coming back for the third helpin' of your lovin', you still have children in your house and I would still be saying you need to send this guy packing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mazza32cott Posted September 14, 2005 Author Share Posted September 14, 2005 OK look. At this stage I am not sending this guy packing. I would like to see if it can work. If it cant then of course he will have to go. I wanted some advise on helping me amke it work. Do you have any? Maz Link to post Share on other sites
Tiggerlove Posted September 14, 2005 Share Posted September 14, 2005 Maz, I don't think you're going to hear what you're wanting to hear from here. Over and over again people have mentioned the same thing---kick the guy out. Thats all the advice you'll get probably. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mazza32cott Posted September 14, 2005 Author Share Posted September 14, 2005 No you are wrong. I have a thread on another site which is very different. I think people seem to follow what is said prior. What you guys are doing is just making me feel miserable and that is not helping anybody. Link to post Share on other sites
Tiggerlove Posted September 14, 2005 Share Posted September 14, 2005 No you are wrong. I have a thread on another site which is very different. I think people seem to follow what is said prior. What you guys are doing is just making me feel miserable and that is not helping anybody. Personally, I wasn't following what anyone else was mentioning. I was telling my opinion. Thats all these are, are opinions. I apologize for making you feel miserable..really I am. Just don't let your kids end up resenting you because you want a man to love you and be next to you. In 5 years, be selfish, but for now, its best to date outside of the house. Have relations with him at his home...not yours. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mazza32cott Posted September 14, 2005 Author Share Posted September 14, 2005 Starngely enough the two threads are very different. Anyhow, Tiggerlove, as I said before, I am sorry you feel that way about your mother. Life is about give and take though and I hope you do at least care that your mother is happy. My situation is my boyfriend lives here and I would like to work on building a good relationship with him and my son. That is the situation. If you can't offer any advice on that please do not respond to this thread. Maz Link to post Share on other sites
Candy Cane Posted September 14, 2005 Share Posted September 14, 2005 Hi Tiggerlove I have kept all of the men I have dated away from my children instead of this one because I am in love with this man. I will not let my children rule my life as I do not feel that is appropriate or warranted for. My children are very much loved and exceptionally well cared for and I do not once question my ability to be a good mother. Sorry but I do not agree with having to live my life the way my son expects me too. You only live once. If I thought in any way this man was going to harm my children, he would not be here. I have spoken to my son's teacher about this as I know her well and she has said that he needs to come to terms with the fact that mum is allowed to have a boyfriend and just to make sure I include him. Unfortunately my ex, my son's father, does not spend much time with him and never has done. I have been doing my best to compensate for this by spending a lot of time with him and this has not changed. It may be worth adding too that when I was married to his father he did comment on several occassions that I was spening too much time with my husband (his father). My son is a gorgeous child, and I love him to bits. My boys mean more to me than anyone else. I do think, however, that there should be a way of me enjoying my life in harmony with my sons and whoever I choose to be with. I don't think that's too much to ask. Maz I'd have to agree with Triggerlove...and everyone else. I'm all for old fashioned values. I got this way not by going to church or by God coming down and speaking to me. I got this way because I repeatedly did things my way and ended up hurt and alone. Living with someone out of wedlock? Always a bad call. Granted there are some exceptions, but typically I think these types of arraingments are unhealthy and do not work. Also, I think it sets a very bad example for your son and will confuse him as to how to have a healthy relationship later on in life. Do you want to see him live with woman after woman, never really seeing the need to commit to someone? If you don't want to think of your son in this matter (if you can't accept the fact that you are hurting him in the long run) then realize that you are hurting yourself. You are cheating yourself out of a real and loving relationship. Personally, I think this guy is bad news. But, even if he isn't, you have stated that you do not want to marry him until you are confident about everything. If you aren't confident about things then you shouldn't be living with him. Still...if you are determined to see this thing through, I'd tell your son that he doesn't have to like the guy if he doesn't want to. Tell him that you realize that your boyfriend living with you is not the ideal realationship but that you choose to do it anyway. I'd ask for his forgiveness and understanding. We are going to give it to you honest. Honestly is often times painful and not what you want to hear. But it's what you should hear. We've all had to hear it at this forum and I, for one, appreciate it. Link to post Share on other sites
Kitteney Posted September 14, 2005 Share Posted September 14, 2005 My situation is my boyfriend lives here and I would like to work on building a good relationship with him and my son. That is the situation. If you can't offer any advice on that please do not respond to this thread. Maz I have to admit that I am quite amazed with the similarities among responses that come from all over God's Green Earth. It seems clear that everyone is of the mind that you will never ever ever build a good relationship between your boyfriend and your son as long as your boyfriend is in under your roof. And some might feel it will never happen period, and encourage you to get rid of him all together (the boyfriend, not the son). I'm seeking true, honest opinions that can help me get over life's little speed bumps. And I have a wealth of experiences that may (or may not) help others. I am still very new to this site but it seems that most folks call them as they see them. Keeping that in mind, I would never post here and then hold my breath waiting for someone to tell me something I want to hear just because I want to hear it. As it pertains to this one particular situation, perhaps you shouldn't either. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted September 14, 2005 Share Posted September 14, 2005 Bringing a man who doesn't have a place to stay into your house full of sons is disturbing the family. As far as the things left at his ex's place go, he is in charge of that. Not only that those are his things, not yours, but you don't have much say in this relationship as he is the one who is leaving you and you are patiently waiting for him. You are afraid that he will go back to her again, because he left his stuff there. So you know it's a sign "I'll be back." But you choose to stay with him. Even if he takes the stuff back, he can still go back to his ex. As long as you're taking him back, he will keep leaving you. Once you close the door for him, he will have to beg you to take him back. But you're afraid that he won't beg you. Do you really think that he is in love with you if he could leave you for his ex twice? Well maybe it's not important to you whether he loves you. Your son doesn't have to rule your life, but he also has the right to feel comfortable in his own house. Maybe your BF could pay some attention to him, buy him stuff, etc. Basically your son likes to have privacy and doesn't like it when strange people "usurp" his territory. It doesn't mean he has a problem. The needs of everyone living in the house should be considered. You decided to have your children, that gives you responsibility to make them happy and find balance between making them and making yourself happy if one goes at the expense of the other. Whether he simply dislikes your BF or can't stand his guts and hate the fact that he is living with you is quite different. But basically your BF is a guy who keeps leaving you (your son is protective of you) and lives in your house, probably gets free meals, laundry done, and all other service including sexual at his desire. Even if he gives you money, your son is too young to understand that someone can pay us to treat us badly. You are the saint that got hooked with this scum - in his eyes. He doesn't realize that you're hot for him and he doesn't want to accept it. In my opinion, if your son has no respect for this man, it's not a good indicator. I am sure he would like certain types if you had the chance to introduce him with them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mazza32cott Posted September 14, 2005 Author Share Posted September 14, 2005 Yeah everyone happy tonight. My youngest one had three friends around and we watched them play on the skateboards. My eldest son brought a friend over and they chatted to the boyfirend about computers. Maybe things ARE looking up. Hope so. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mazza32cott Posted September 14, 2005 Author Share Posted September 14, 2005 One more thing. I have to go away for two days soon. I asked my youngest whether he preferred boyfriend or his grandmother to look after him. He said boyfirend. Link to post Share on other sites
Candy Cane Posted September 14, 2005 Share Posted September 14, 2005 One more thing. I have to go away for two days soon. I asked my youngest whether he preferred boyfriend or his grandmother to look after him. He said boyfirend. Yeah...that's a sure sign that everything will work out great. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mazza32cott Posted September 14, 2005 Author Share Posted September 14, 2005 I hope everything will work out. As I said before, if it doesn't b/f will have to go. I would just like to give it some time and see. I really do think that a lot of it has to do with the pressure my ex puts on the boys. My ex sent me an email yesterday saying he will not pay maintenance and that he will destroy me. Why can't people let people move on. He has. Maz Link to post Share on other sites
Taby Posted September 14, 2005 Share Posted September 14, 2005 Hi Mazz I would suggest: While you b/f can be actively involved in your son's life, I wouldn't encourage him to take on a parenting role. Ie; issues with school, friends, housechores, etc... Although, your b/f might only be trying to help out, it might be taken negatively by your sons until he earns their full trust and respect. I'd encourage you to do activities with your sons alone. Maybe a couple times a week you can dedicate a night/day out with your sons. You might want to have your sons choose which day and which activity they get to do... When your son tells you he doesn't like your b/f, acknowledge his feelings. Do not force it on him to like your b/f. All you can demand of him at this point, is his respect. Encourage your b/f to seek out a common ground with your son. Maybe he can casually try and engage him in a conversation about something your son's passionate about. Ie; skateboarding... It might be easier for your son to talk to your b/f about something he is passionate about rather then talk about the every day subjects like school and friends... Explain to your son that it's important to you to have adult time, same as it's important for for kids to hang out with other kids... I don't think it's such an impossible situation as it's been put out to be on the board. Everyone have different opinions based on their personal experience.. I personally may not have agreed to have had him moved initially, but we all make our personal decision, and that is what you have chosen. No one here is able to tell you whether the relationship will work or not. They may voice their opinion, and they're fully entitled to it since you posted your problem on the board. I really hope this will work out for you... Mainly Mazz I think your son needs time... and time you have since you want to spend the rest of your life with your b/f... be patient, loving and understanding... once your son sees that your relationship (yours and your son) will not change, he'll come around... Good luck and keep us posted! Link to post Share on other sites
Author mazza32cott Posted September 14, 2005 Author Share Posted September 14, 2005 Thank you Taby My b/f does not want to interfere in our home/school life so that is a good thing. He is very understanding and he b/f doesn't require a lot of my attention so that is a good thing. I spent last night trying to skate with my son. I am totally hopeless at it and worried I'm gonna break my leg but we had a lot of fun. I hope all works out. I get so much hatred from my ex and things have been sooo difficult over the past three years.... Will keep you posted. Maz Link to post Share on other sites
Taby Posted September 14, 2005 Share Posted September 14, 2005 "My b/f does not want to interfere in our home/school life so that is a good thing." If that is the case, then maybe you shouldn't have your b/f take care of the kids while you'll be away... Just a thought. Keep it seperate. It might not be the perfect time to have his take care of the kids for a couple of days... especially if one of your son doesn't like him.... just my opinion... Link to post Share on other sites
Taby Posted September 14, 2005 Share Posted September 14, 2005 "My ex sent me an email yesterday saying he will not pay maintenance and that he will destroy me." maybe you should change your email address.... Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted September 14, 2005 Share Posted September 14, 2005 Maz, I wonder why you completely ignored my post and all of its points. Is your BF capable of living on his own at all? Or is he using you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author mazza32cott Posted September 14, 2005 Author Share Posted September 14, 2005 I did not ignore your post, you had some points in it that are valid, however, the issue I want to deal with is working on the relationship between b/f and son and I will stick to that. Things seem to be going well right now. I have quiet a lot to deal with with the ex and I do not need others trying to make me feel even worse by thinking about the negative side of something that could be positive. We could all go around with the what if attitude and we could send ourselves mad. I would somehow like to keep my sanity and wellbeing..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author mazza32cott Posted September 14, 2005 Author Share Posted September 14, 2005 Tabby Thanks for your comments. It is a business email, I have told my ex not to email me again and I will get the police involved if necessary. As for the couple of days I am away, I usually get the boys grandmother over and I know that they dont particularly like that. She's a lovely woman but a bit old fashioned and fussess all the time. I was simply giving them a choice. It is not someone to look after them, it is someone to be here that's all. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mazza32cott Posted September 15, 2005 Author Share Posted September 15, 2005 In response to Record Producer "but you don't have much say in this relationship as he is the one who is leaving you" Wrong - I have EVERY SAY in this relationship. I have made it very clear that this is his LAST chance, one phone call to the ex and he is out the door FOREVER!!!!! "he will keep leaving you." Crystal ball stuff???? "Once you close the door for him, he will have to beg you to take him back. But you're afraid that he won't beg you." Wrong - LAST CHANCE if he goes, I will not take him back or talk to him. " Do you really think that he is in love with you if he could leave you for his ex twice? Well maybe it's not important to you whether he loves you." Does he love me? Says he does...Crystal ball again??? Of course it is important. "You decided to have your children, that gives you responsibility to make them happy and find balance between making them and making yourself happy if one goes at the expense of the other." Exactly my reason to ask for advice.... "probably gets free meals, laundry done, and all other service including sexual at his desire." Wrong again - You are assuming a lot there... Regards Maz Link to post Share on other sites
Taby Posted September 15, 2005 Share Posted September 15, 2005 Tabby Thanks for your comments. It is a business email, I have told my ex not to email me again and I will get the police involved if necessary. As for the couple of days I am away, I usually get the boys grandmother over and I know that they dont particularly like that. She's a lovely woman but a bit old fashioned and fussess all the time. I was simply giving them a choice. It is not someone to look after them, it is someone to be here that's all. About your ex and the work email... you can put a filter on your email that it automatically deletes any incoming email from a certain address... that might help... well i hope it all works out with your b/f being there for the kids... i just thought since you were concerned that your son didn't like your b/f that it might not have been such a great idea... just my opinion... maybe that'll be the ticket your looking for and you'll come back to a happy family with the b/f and all... :-) in any case.. i do wish you all the luck. i hope this works out for you... Link to post Share on other sites
Author mazza32cott Posted September 15, 2005 Author Share Posted September 15, 2005 Thank you Tabby. It is some support that I am looking for and some good advice. I appreciate that and yes I will have a look at putting up a filter. Again thank you. Maz Link to post Share on other sites
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