Wife's phone sex might become more? Update - divorce pending

[ljd]

Backstory: My wife and I met fourteen years ago, and have been for eleven. We had troubles conceiving but had a healthy daughter seven years ago. She had a ovarian cancer scare, and had a hysterectomy four years ago. She also had laproscopic surgery a year and a half ago, has started going to the gym more, and has dropped ten sizes and 140 pounds. A few years ago, she moved from HR to sales, and switched in the spring to a new company. This means she travels a lot. In October, she was home for six days total, including being gone on my birthday.

 

Problem: At the start of the month, we went to an amusement park, and she got stuck at security. She gave me her phone so I could respond to a message she got from our friend we were meeting. However, the phone also brought a text from someone I didn't know asking about what she liked sexually. I looked at the message thread, and he had made a lot of sexual comments, and it seemed as though she was giving him advice. She came back, and when I asked about it, she said it was a young guy who she met on a business trip who was a bit inappropriate, and she would tell him and not talk to him again. I didn't think much about it after that, maybe I'm too trusting?

She went away on a business trip for two weeks in Europe, and came back on Sunday night. After she collapsed from jet lag, her phone buzzed, and there was an emoji of blowing kisses, and "night boo". Feeling worried about this, I snagged her phone, snuck out of the room and found out the following:

She had talked dirty to him

They had been on the phone together

She had given him $900 to help him pay for immigration services (he apparently is not a citizen.

his full name and home address were given.

She had made plans to ditch work, drive 1-2 hours to meet him, but had been unable to follow through

She repeatedly called him love

She told friends of hers about him.

I took a video of this as I thumbed through the chat, and have hid it elsewhere on my phone where she is exceedingly unlikely to find it if she does look.

 

I confronted her about this after a day of thinking about this, but I didn't tell her all I knew. I asked her if they had ever had sex (she denied it, and I think that's believable). She says she has not cheated on me. She was also angry and has changed her phone password.

 

However, she denies sending money, denies telling the friends, claims he lives in a different location, and denies phone sex/skype sex sessions. She also tells me she has called him and ended if. I demanded she call him and let me hear this, but she refuses. She also has wiped the chat from her phone, which I saw today when she gave me her phone to look at something.

 

I feel horribly violated. I honestly don't trust her. I am terrified as she has a business trip to the city where he lives in two weeks. I have no way of knowing what in fact has happened between them, or if she will in fact not see him when she goes down there.

 

I know our marriage has been rocky lately. She has been insanely busy, away a lot, comes home late from work a lot (legit), and often times just parks it on the couch while I take care of our daughter, cooking dinner, and cleanup, and if I am pressured or not too tired, getting work done for my job. I often just left her alone because I figured she just wanted some down time to be left alone. I get now that she feels isolated and alone. She has almost no friends as she has become isolated due to her work hours and demands of the job. I also know that I have become estranged from her and find it is hard to talk. She can be unnecessarily harsh and critical, and my style is to avoid conflict (which is a big problem, as it turns out).

She also has become very uninterested in sex. Our sex life before marriage was great, but after our daughter was born and then the surgery, we have fallen into a rut where six to ten weeks go by where there is no sex. She also will not initiate. Many times at night, she will push me away or demand to not have her space intruded upon. We went away on a vacation for a week, no kid, just the two of us this past winter, and only had sexual relations one time. To read these texts and see her fantasies (some of which she never revealed to me) to this stranger roils my guts.

 

So I guess the question is, what should I do? I don't want to destroy our daughter. I really would not like to get a divorce, but I want to be able to trust her again. I still love her, but I don't feel like I can trust her right now.

 

If I do push for divorce, what should I do? Should I ask for full custody? Would what I have obtained off her phone help me get full custody? Can I throw her out of the house (it's in my name alone)?

 

Please help.

[Marc878]

Cheaters lie a lot and as you've verified that's all you're getting. She was going to have sex with him. That was her intent. She will find a way.

 

It's probably been going on for awhile.

 

It seems like you are the laid back Real Mr Nice Guy type.

 

You thought you were getting played and walked on before.

 

You've seen nothing yet.

 

Better wake up and take charge.

 

Being affraid of her as she disrespects and walks all over you will just get worse.

 

You've got a choice. Wallow in your typical cheating wifes infidelity or get out of it.

 

You are the only one who can keep you where you are.

[Mr. Lucky]

So I guess the question is, what should I do? I don't want to destroy our daughter. I really would not like to get a divorce, but I want to be able to trust her again. I still love her, but I don't feel like I can trust her right now.

 

ljd, you're in the denial stage, not unusual for someone in your situation. Of course you can't trust her, she's checked out of your marriage and in a relationship with another man. Since she's been working the scam for a while, she's also several steps ahead of you. Time to play catch-up.

 

See a lawyer and get at least his business card. Print out the chat messages you have and, finding a quiet time to talk to her, lay your cards on the table.

 

Tell her she has one chance to stay in the marriage and it comes with the following conditions:

- She goes NC with her AP

- Complete transparency phone, email and social media

- She takes a leave from her job

- You start MC together

 

Since this is a Hail Mary, chances are she'll say "no". If that's the case, time to lawyer up and protect you and yours. The woman you thought you knew is gone.

 

Be careful if she agrees to do only some of the above. Many cheaters want to "test drive" their new relationship while they keep you as Plan B, a back-up if things don't work out with the new guy. If you agree to this and play along, you'll only enable her to act out in the same way again at some point down the road.

 

Sorry you find yourself in this position, it sucks. Stay strong and keep posting...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Poutrew]

The reason she doesn't want to have sex with you is because she is saving herself for the other man. Your wife is gone. The woman you are currently with is not her. On the bright side, you have plenty of time to prepare for the divorce while she is on her business trip boning the OM.

[40somethingGuy]

Sorry this is happening to you. There is no way she will fork out $900 if the OM is not porking her. I don't care what she makes. That is pretty tell tale. If they haven't had relations yet, the trip in 2 weeks is what they are gearing up for. And she knows you won't be able to prevent it or prove anything for sure.

 

Women having affairs for some reason become very mean to their LOYAL partners primarily because you are in the way and her heart has wondered elsewhere.

 

No one wants to divorce. But what kind of life is this where you never see her and when you do she is mean and distant? What kind of life is no sex? See an attorney (free consultations for many) and get a handle on divorce laws in your area. You need to seriously consider the option so you should know exactly what to expect if and when you are forced to file.

Edited November 5, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redact full quote of starting post and add paragraphs

[Doorstopper]

Specific answers to your questions:

 

If you don't want a divorce, file for divorce. I know this is very counter intuitive. If your wife doesn't want to be in the marriage, there is little you can do, and the marriage is going to end, eventually. Filing for divorce, makes her make an immediate choice. If you file and your wife wants to remain in the marriage, she will come back to you. You can then decide if you really want her back after whatever discussion it takes to make you feel comfortable that you know everything. A polygraph may be in order.

 

Do not tell her that you have seen all those texts. If you let her know what you know, she will agree that she did that, say there is nothing else, and you will be wondering forever. Use statements like I know there is more, or I have evidence, but do not give it up.

 

You do not have to decide custody at this point. It can be figured out later if it gets to that point. That will have to involve your wife as well anyway, so its worth thinking about but not deciding.

 

You can pull back from a divorce at any point until its final. Be clear that it is your decision because of her choices and lack of transparency.

 

You are being gaslighted and trickle truthed in an effort to control your actions.

Edited November 1, 2018 by Doorstopper

[WilyWill]

She's angry with you for looking at her phone? Did I read that right?

 

She's angry that you discovered she likely had sex with another man, is sending him sexual messages, and giving him your marital assets? SHE'S THE ONE WHO'S ANGRY?

 

You need to file for divorce and give her one hell of a wake-up call.

[Mr. Lucky]

If I do push for divorce, what should I do? Should I ask for full custody? Would what I have obtained off her phone help me get full custody? Can I throw her out of the house (it's in my name alone)?

 

Please help.

 

And I'll also add, all good questions and compelling reasons for getting legal advice NOW.

 

ljd, your wife has made her plans, time to make yours...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Buckeye2]

She went away on a business trip for two weeks in Europe, and came back on Sunday night. After she collapsed from jet lag.

 

I am terrified as she has a business trip to the city where he lives in two weeks.

 

She has been insanely busy, away a lot, comes home late from work a lot (legit), and often times just parks it on the couch while I take care of our daughter, cooking dinner, and cleanup, and if I am pressured or not too tired, getting work done for my job. I often just left her alone because I figured she just wanted some down time to be left alone.

 

We went away on a vacation for a week, no kid, just the two of us this past winter, and only had sexual relations one time.

 

So I guess the question is, what should I do? I don't want to destroy our daughter.

 

It sounds like getting divorced wouldn’t change much for you or your daughter. Why do you assume that your daughter would be "destroyed"?

Edited November 5, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Remove bolding

[ljd]

I am worried about the kid having to choose between us, about the disruption to her life, about her hating one or both of us. What if we split and the other house (which is another fight - who gets the house?) is far away and disrupts her friendships and schedules. What if the now-ex moves three hours away? Or is this just too much what if?

[Buckeye2]

Get a divorce and let her pay you child support. As the primary caretaker you will get the house so that your daughter will have a stable home.

 

She would spend more quality time with your daughter as an every other weekend parent.

[Logo]

One thing at a time.

 

 

 

If you stay in this marriage you will become a shadow of your former self. Don't let that happen to you; talk to a divorce lawyer.

[40somethingGuy]

I am worried about the kid having to choose between us, about the disruption to her life, about her hating one or both of us. What if we split and the other house (which is another fight - who gets the house?) is far away and disrupts her friendships and schedules. What if the now-ex moves three hours away? Or is this just too much what if?

 

 

Tell your daughter that mom decided to be with someone else and broke up the family. Put it on her since, well, she did exactly that. I would never even allow my kid to think I did anything to betray the family. Your wife betrayed you AND YOUR DAUGHTER!!

[Marc878]

I am worried about the kid having to choose between us, about the disruption to her life, about her hating one or both of us. What if we split and the other house (which is another fight - who gets the house?) is far away and disrupts her friendships and schedules. What if the now-ex moves three hours away? Or is this just too much what if?

 

Nice excuses to do nothing.

 

You are going to wallow in this for awhile.

 

The indecisive ones always do.

[Mr. Lucky]

I am worried about the kid having to choose between us, about the disruption to her life, about her hating one or both of us.

 

Your daughter has a "disrupted" life now. Mom is either gone all the time or checked out chatting with someone else.

 

ljd, you can only manage your end of this. What part are you willing to play? If you want to be the cuckold husband, doing the dishes while your wife does something - or someone - else, then do nothing.

 

Any other course of action is going to require a change in the status quo...

 

Mr. Lucky

[S2B]

File for divorce - you can decide later if you finalize it.

 

Have the child DNA tested... seriously!

 

Throw your wife out with ONE bag. Be glad the house is in your name.

 

She fully cheated on you. She sent him your family money!

 

And you have no idea if all those days she's been traveling have been for work!

 

No company would have a Mom with kids away THAT much!

 

Your wife already left the marriage/family - time for you to catch up and make her move.

 

She's only sorry she got caught!

 

 

Move all money/assets into your name only immediately! Do this FIRST! Change passwords on everything possible. Change the locks on the house too!

[ljd]

We talked a little more - she has agreed to marriage counseling, and she owned up to telling her best friend, who she claims told her she was being an idiot. I have not asked her about the phone password change, but will tonight. I did tell her that I know where the OM lives, and her response was that she didn't know where he lived, which I'm not really buying. She also says she met the OM through a co-worker in that office. I keep telling her I am uneasy with her traveling to the city where he is, but she says it's work, her time is totally booked when she's there (an out of town group of workers is coming in and she has to shepherd them around all week, she says). It shows how little I trust her that I don't know whether to believe this or not.

 

She continues to deny that she gave him money or that she told him she loved him or called him love, or that she was going to ditch work to see him. She also maintains they had not yet had a physical relationship, which going back through the texts seems possible.

 

Whoever said I'm still in the denial stage, I think you might be right. I haven't felt angry yet, much less like bargaining, although depressed is definitely creeping in.

 

Here's a question: is it wrong to drop the dime on this to her boss? Or is that just stupid?

 

Also, whoever suggested a DNA for the kid, there's no way that kid is anyone else's - she's a spitting image of me, and also my mom. Furthermore, we weren't even close to having issues back then.

[Lewhawk]

You know for a fact she’s not telling the truth, confront her on it without giving up your source. If she’s still unwilling to be 100% transparent, it’s time to start showing that there’s consequences to cheating and lying.

[Mr. Lucky]

She continues to deny that she gave him money or that she told him she loved him or called him love, or that she was going to ditch work to see him. She also maintains they had not yet had a physical relationship, which going back through the texts seems possible.

 

Whoever said I'm still in the denial stage, I think you might be right. I haven't felt angry yet, much less like bargaining, although depressed is definitely creeping in.

 

Since you know what she's said isn't true, MC is a waste of time. She's already lying to you, do you want to pay to hear her lie to a counselor?

 

Others may disagree from a strategic standpoint, but I'd show her the saved texts. I'd also do everything I could to out the affair, including showing her boss and HR department.

 

ljd, you seem strangely passive and conflict avoidant. A little righteous anger in these situations goes a long way...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BMI03]

I am worried about the kid having to choose between us, about the disruption to her life, about her hating one or both of us. What if we split and the other house (which is another fight - who gets the house?) is far away and disrupts her friendships and schedules. What if the now-ex moves three hours away? Or is this just too much what if?

 

Those questions make you a good person, but it is your wife's actions that have caused this, not yours. Those are the kinds of questions she should have, but did not ask herself before betraying you.

 

Remind yourself, you are not destroying your daughter. You are reacting to the poor decision making of your wife. She took the actions.

[seibert253]

It's time to man up, and get pissed.

It's also time to show your hand.

 

Tell her what you know, and if need be, show her. Pulling out what she wrote, and reading it to her, can be very powerful.

 

I'm sorry but IMO you need to throw down the gauntlet. She needs a smack of reality.

 

Be clear, let her know she needs to make a choice: You and your marriage, or him. She can't have both. "You can end this, come back and commit to our marriage, or I will Divorce you" is a smack of reality she needs to hear and feel.

 

Until she admits EVERYTHING, and commits to your marriage, counseling is a waste of time and $$$

 

Be strong, stay strong, act strong.

Edited November 1, 2018 by seibert253

[DKT3]

Why are you allowing her to lie when you already know the truth?

 

Wanting to believe her lies will not make this go away, the sooner you get her to be honest the quicker you will get through this.

[40somethingGuy]

It's time to man up, and get pissed.

It's also time to show your hand.

 

Tell her what you know, and if need be, show her. Pulling out what she wrote, and reading it to her, can be very powerful.

 

I'm sorry but IMO you need to throw down the gauntlet. She needs a smack of reality.

 

Be clear, let her know she needs to make a choice: You and your marriage, or him. She can't have both. "You can end this, come back and commit to our marriage, or I will Divorce you" is a smack of reality she needs to hear and feel.

 

Until she admits EVERYTHING, and commits to your marriage, counseling is a waste of time and $$$

 

Be strong, stay strong, act strong.

Marriage counciling is the biggest waste if time and money ever. Be ready to have some feminist broad put her actions on you for causing it to happen. Most are so canned and poorly trained it makes things worse. Plus your wife won't admit to anything and you'll be called insecure. I'm sorry to say this but you refuse to grow a pair and fight for yourself. Maybe you should ask her for permission to be mad at her.

[aliveagain]

Stop playing games with her. Tell her you know the truth and that you will give her just one chance to tell you everything about her affair. Explain to her that if new information is discovered anytime in the future proving that she lied or omitted information that divorce will be immediate. Ask her again about her lending him money. If she denies lending him money pull out the text message about the loan and place a copy of the text in front of her and then go silent. Ask her again if there is anything else she wants to tell you, let her talk(she doesn't know what you have, don't reveal what you know and don't reveal your sources). Marriage counselling is a waste of your time as long as she is still in her affair. Lying is her choosing the other man over you and as long as she is still lying counselling won't work. Ask her what she thinks about you travelling to O/M's city with her like a family vacation(even if you don't her reaction might reveal a lot to you). She needs to take you seriously.

[GoldenR]

So you know the truth, yet you're letting her believe that you believe her bull**** and you're letting her go out of town and **** her boyfriend....

 

I have to ask you, what is your endgame? Bc at this point, it appears your goal is to allow her to cheat on you.

 

Tell her if she goes, that she's coming back to D papers. Tell her you know a lot more than she's thinks you do, and from what you can see, she is choosing her OM over you, and that you've received her message loud and clear and you'll be taking steps to take care of you.

 

Your wife sees you as a weak ass right now. You need to fix that QUICKLY.

 

And F going to MC. It's a waste of time while she's still in her affair.