Still in love with my ex, she's maybe in love with me. Going mad

[Smurf1]

Hi everyone,

 

my ex (we are 21, and were in a relationship since we're 16) dumped me for someone else almost 3 months ago. The break-up came completely out of the blue, she came to my house and said:" I've doubts, I have to go".

 

Since then, she occasionally contacted me, beacuse she was in trouble (her parents, her new bf and stuff like that).

I was emotionally weak, and I helped her (now I know it wasn't a great idea:().

 

She still wants to have some contact (I know I'm an important part of her life, no matter what happened), and it's hard to me to avoid her, since we attend the same small university. But now I'm stronger, and it seems I can face her.

 

The point is, as I'm writing my feelings on a paper (I'm brutally honest with myself), I realize I still have a strong feeling for her. I simply love her.

And it becomes worse, as I know (she told me more than once) that she's starting to realize she shouldn't have done what she's done.

 

I don't really know how to act, I tried no contact, and I could hold on for 30 days, but I still love her.

I tried to talk to her about my feelings, but she answered :"I miss you too, I believe we could be together in the future, but I don't want to leave him, yet".

 

Any advice? Similar experience? Anything would be very helpful to me.

 

Thanks:)

[Guildford]

You seem to view this situation with quite a bit of clarity. I think we can assume that she is having sex with her new boyfriend; have you ever had sex with a girl other than your ex girlfriend? Consider this as a solution: You and your ex go no contact for five years with an agreed date for a reunion. During that time you both explore relationships with others. At the reunion you can discuss the issue of whether you remain friends or reunite as a couple. You are both very young and should explore other relationships.

[Smurf1]

You seem to view this situation with quite a bit of clarity. I think we can assume that she is having sex with her new boyfriend; have you ever had sex with a girl other than your ex girlfriend? Consider this as a solution: You and your ex go no contact for five years with an agreed date for a reunion. During that time you both explore relationships with others. At the reunion you can discuss the issue of whether you remain friends or reunite as a couple. You are both very young and should explore other relationships.

Thank you Guildford, I never considered what you've just suggested. The fact is she's never wanted to have sex with me, due to religious and (I suppose) familiar-education issues.

But guess what? She slept with this guy a couple of weeks after the break-up. I know it sounds weird, but I always wanted to respect her, so I never forced her into something she didn't want to do

[Guildford]

If she didn't have sex with you for religious reasons and had sex (I assume he was her first) a few weeks after the breakup, then I would dump her and go no contact. It appears that you have lost respect for her and if you had a long term relationship, this will cause a lot of resentment down the road. It is time to move on and don't look back.

[Smurf1]

If she didn't have sex with you for religious reasons and had sex (I assume he was her first) a few weeks after the breakup, then I would dump her and go no contact. It appears that you have lost respect for her and if you had a long term relationship, this will cause a lot of resentment down the road. It is time to move on and don't look back.

Dear Guildford, I didn't lost my respect for her, I think she was confused, but this is not the point.

 

You're definetely right, I should move on. As time goes by, I feel more determined to let her go.

But (and this is a big one) there's a part a of me that still believes she'll come back to me some day. Firstly, I tried to face this part, but I couldn't, then I tried to face it, and I realized this is a small belief, but strong enough to stop me from completely moving on.

 

Thanks again

Edited November 2, 2018 by Smurf1

[d0nnivain]

You were an important part of her childhood, but now at 21 she is facing graduating from college & she wants to explore the world around her, meet new people, have varied experiences etc. The SO from HS just seemed so routine. She didn't want to wake up in 5 years married to you with kids.

 

She doesn't dislike you. The idea of never speaking to you again -- someone who was so important to her formative years -- is daunting so she is offering half a loaf, friendship. You can't be her friend right now because you want more. You want her back but that is not going to happen. Be strong. Say no when she comes begging. That is the only way you will heal.

[Smurf1]

You were an important part of her childhood, but now at 21 she is facing graduating from college & she wants to explore the world around her, meet new people, have varied experiences etc. The SO from HS just seemed so routine. She didn't want to wake up in 5 years married to you with kids.

 

She doesn't dislike you. The idea of never speaking to you again -- someone who was so important to her formative years -- is daunting so she is offering half a loaf, friendship. You can't be her friend right now because you want more. You want her back but that is not going to happen. Be strong. Say no when she comes begging. That is the only way you will heal.

Well, I think you're right, people I talked to told me more or less the same things.

 

On the other hand, there're some parts of the story I don't understand (and most of the time I don't even want to understand). I.e., we used to talk about a future together, we were on the same page on everything. We had such a chat a couple of days before she left.

How could someone change his/her mind in such a short amount of time? I guess you don't.

 

About the "routine part", I know (even if I'm just 21) long-term relationships fall into routine, sooner or later (good or bad isn't up to me to judge), but we have a lot of common interest, although both of us has his own life (i.e. I love football, she practice martial art).

 

Moreover, his new bf (they are going to breakup, she knows it, I know it, her friends too) live far from were we live, it's about 3/4 hours.

It seems I can accept I've been dumped for such a story, completely out of the blue.

 

Lastly, I repeat, you're right, I feel it, and I really started healing some weeks ago: I stopped checking her on social, I deleted her number, I stopped going to places at college where I would have find her and so on.

BUT, deep inside I still love her, and I don't really know what to do but wait for time to pass.

 

Now, I know it could seems I'm floating in self-pity, but I'm not. I'm just sad, really sad, and don't really know what to do, since this is my first serious break up.

 

Thank you so much

[d0nnivain]

It is sad. You lost something precious to you -- your relationship with her. It will be painful for a while but you will muddle through & come out stronger on the other end. Hang in there.

[Smurf1]

It is sad. You lost something precious to you -- your relationship with her. It will be painful for a while but you will muddle through & come out stronger on the other end. Hang in there.

I totally agree, d0nnivain. I feel I can heal, it just won't happened tomorrow, but I guess it's okay to take as long as I need.

 

There just this (not so) little burden on my back :"She's coming back, sooner or later". To be honest, I don't even know if I'd take her back.

 

This burden keeps growing as time go by (for someone weeks after the break-up I didn't even think about gettin' back together) , I'm starting losing the belief I can get away with it simply letting her go.

 

Ps. I'm sorry about my english

 

Thank you