Will i be able to forgive myself ?

[chaku101]

I'll be blunt about how deeply I hurt my gf. I wont tweak it to gain sympathy.

I was in ldr with my gf for 4 years. She loved me too much all these 4 years, gave me everything. She opened her heart to me. But i suffered from bullying and anxiety due to my face. So in beginning i used to talk to my gf with fake id ( i used my best friend's pictures). I never thought something online will turn out to be a 4 years relationship. I always thought it'd end up and vanish over time.

So i lied to my gf for 4 years and talked to her for 4 years with fake pictures of my best friend. I had fake name ( so i dont get caught searching in social media). Heck i didnt care to tell her about my true birthday. I just thought those stuffs wont matter since we are never going to even meet. But for her everything was real. Everytime she d ask me to open my myself too like her, id just tell her that im not comfortable and i told her to just wait. I just kept telling her to wait and wait. We only texted 4 years. And audio messages. Phone calls only few times in begining. She urged to video call but i just told her im not comfortable since I m not good in speaking english.

Everything ws real for her and shed used to imagine us meeting and getting married and living together while i was just lying to her.

I realised at some point that our relationship is only getting stronger with time but not evaporating. At that point i just couldn't have courage to tell her truth since I was already so late. I thought the truth would shatter her world apart and shed just go into depression again

before she met me, she was severly depressed cs of her parents separation. She had asthma and was always sick. She said her life changed after i came in her life. I used to make her laugh, care for her and listen to her. She credits me for bringing her from dark path and her willness to live again being happy again. I thought id just fade away from her life with time and shed stil be happy and move on with good memories of our relationship.

But it never came to end and i was stuck in my lies. Came a point where i used to literally just not tell her anything happening in my life to protect my lies.

But she kept talking about she always only loved my persoanlity and even if i turned out to be fake after 4 years and my personality and feelings were true shed stil accept me

So i finanlly decided to tell her the truth 3 months ago. She was hurt deeply and almost decided to leave. But she woke up next day and accepted me and decided to save our relationship. it was going good and i was opening up about my life. However she got distant and bored texting and she didn;t want to talk on phone or video. She said she got bored of texting and she cant wait anymore for me to come meet her. I sti need 2 years to go meet her since i dont have money. Plane tickets cost 2000$. We just met too young and nothing was in our favor.

So she started getting distant and literally just stopped texting. Then one day she told me shed wait me but she needs space for now to date other people or have fun and that. She had started talking to a guy from pubg game like 10 days ago. And she tells me that she is having feelings for him cs he cares and calls her. Then she told me to just be friends with her.

but then idk what happened, yesterday she told me that i ruined her life and that she wont be able to love anyone else over again. That she hates me so much and I ****ed her dreams. She has been hurt so many times, she has given up the hope to live now. She is severly depressed now, same as when i had met her. I cry every day thinking about her in guilt of ruining her life

I want to die but i dont have the courage. i just think about dying but then i cant cs i think about whatd happen to my family if i died. Im crying and dying everyday in guilt and shame for ruining her life and i just want to be punished. What should i do ?

Edited November 1, 2018 by chaku101

[ExpatInItaly]

You already know that what you did was wrong, and why, so I will save the talk about the importance of being honest.

 

However, she could also have chosen to walk away from this long ago. I have no doubt that she noticed red flags and suspected something was wrong, but she held on for 4 years. She held on when you wouldn't speak live to her, held on when you couldn't meet in person. She needs to be accountable for her own choices here too, and not blame you entirely for this mess. People who make choices like that are generally not the most emotionally-healthy or socially-adjusted either. There were already underlying issues with her when you entered the picture.

 

I don't mean to minimize how hurt she is by your lies, but you didn't ruin her life all on your own. She didn't come into this a healthy person, and her choices throughout the last 4 years haven't been conducive to a living a mature and productive life offline.

 

Please, stay out of contact with her and do seek some professional help in dealing with your insecurity about your looks. You deserve to live a happy life you can be proud of, rather than hiding behind someone else's identity and living a lie.

[chaku101]

You already know that what you did was wrong, and why, so I will save the talk about the importance of being honest.

 

However, she could also have chosen to walk away from this long ago. I have no doubt that she noticed red flags and suspected something was wrong, but she held on for 4 years. She held on when you wouldn't speak live to her, held on when you couldn't meet in person. She needs to be accountable for her own choices here too, and not blame you entirely for this mess. People who make choices like that are generally not the most emotionally-healthy or socially-adjusted either. There were already underlying issues with her when you entered the picture.

 

I don't mean to minimize how hurt she is by your lies, but you didn't ruin her life all on your own. She didn't come into this a healthy person, and her choices throughout the last 4 years haven't been conducive to a living a mature and productive life offline.

 

Please, stay out of contact with her and do seek some professional help in dealing with your insecurity about your looks. You deserve to live a happy life you can be proud of, rather than hiding behind someone else's identity and living a lie.

 

 

She just trusted me too much and she just waited for me to give in myself patiently. I only kept lying so long cs she never once pressured me or forced me. Throughout 4 years she had so many instances of red flags where she could have just confronted me but she just trusted me so much to lie to her. She was just so in love with me. She was even willing to just wait till we meet if I don't open up about myself. And we met too young with no source of income. I am 24 she is 19 and I only started making money last year. That was one of the reasons why i never thought we'd be ever able to meet.

 

Her family always warned her to be careful to who she talks to. And she always ignored and now after knowing my truth, she feels so stupid and disgusted. Even though my feelings were true and it wasn't like i turned out to be a pedo or someone who was using her, I did hurt her and did something i shouldn't have done for so long

 

She has a productive life offline. She has very good grades in school and is now studying for dentistry. She is very short ( 4'9) and has other insecurities as well. Maybe that's why she couldn't dated offline. I understood her insecurities because I have my own insecurities as well.

.

She only told me now, after she broke up with me that she was in ldr with her ex too and never met him. That she dated him too for 2 years and he hurt too.

 

and now she again has feelings for some guy she met on pubg from another country. Idk why she keeps choosing to talk to people from other countries.

 

She is a very caring, kind and honest girl. She definitely didn't deserve to have been cheated like this. That's why i feel very ashamed of my actions.And i know people would keep hurting her throughout her life cs she is just too nice and honest person. That's why i wanted another chance and correct my mistakes and just love her. I thought if i could go meet her and take care of her, shed forgive me and be happy again.

 

And i have already accepted myself, and I am not insecure about my looks now. That's why i was able to tell her the truth.

Edited November 1, 2018 by chaku101

[d0nnivain]

You told her the truth eventually. That is something.

 

You said it yourself you are young & you never thought this on-line thing would go anywhere. You sort of thought it was harmless but it turned out to be more real then you ever imagined.

 

Even if you could manage to meet, this whole thing is still a pipe dream. $2,000 plane tickets mean you'd never be able to see each other frequently. Plus you face serious immigration issues.

 

There is more preventing this relationship then some childish lies.

 

Let it go & forgive yourself. In the future don't lie about who you are.

[chaku101]

You told her the truth eventually. That is something.

 

You said it yourself you are young & you never thought this on-line thing would go anywhere. You sort of thought it was harmless but it turned out to be more real then you ever imagined.

 

Even if you could manage to meet, this whole thing is still a pipe dream. $2,000 plane tickets mean you'd never be able to see each other frequently. Plus you face serious immigration issues.

 

There is more preventing this relationship then some childish lies.

 

Let it go & forgive yourself. In the future don't lie about who you are.

I want to forgive myself but for the fact that, she is depressed and so sad again. Same as when i met her. I feel too guilty and ashamed for that. Because i put her there again. And i am constantly worried how'd she cope with that again or be able to stand up again. How can i forgive myself until she is okay and happy again ?

[d0nnivain]

Her state of mind is not on you. If I found out some guy I had been talking to for 4 years deceived me I wouldn't be depressed. I would be seriously pissed. You have no control over her reaction. You apologized, sincerely. What she does with that is solely on her.

[bathtub-row]

I want to forgive myself but for the fact that, she is depressed and so sad again. Same as when i met her. I feel too guilty and ashamed for that. Because i put her there again. And i am constantly worried how'd she cope with that again or be able to stand up again. How can i forgive myself until she is okay and happy again ?

 

Well, granted, you should feel bad but over time, hopefully your guilt will subside. On her end, you probably did her a favor by helping her grow up and stop being so gullible. Lessons on both sides. That’s all that can be done at this point - learn from it and never repeat it. As the saying goes, when you know better, you do better.

[ExpatInItaly]

Her young age explains a lot; she was still just a kid when you started talking to her. She hasn't yet had the life experience to help her make better choices and use her discretion more wisely. She trusted you so much because she was inherently naive about the world and didn't know better. She is still learning.

 

Evidently, she chats with men who are far away because it's an easy source of attention. Dating offline takes more effort and if she has emotional issues, it's probably hard to connect in person with local boys. You say she leads a productive life offline but you actually don't really know what she does offline. Like you, she could have feeding you a boatload of half-truths or fabrications. You two only know bits and pieces of each other, which is true of anyone who has not had any real-life quality time with the other person.

 

Ultimately, you can't make her happy again; you did what you could in apologizing, and you cannot realistically do more. She is responsible for what happens from here, in terms of coping. It's time for you to unplug and look for local dates, too. Both of you have a lot to learn from this.

[chaku101]

Her young age explains a lot; she was still just a kid when you started talking to her. She hasn't yet had the life experience to help her make better choices and use her discretion more wisely. She trusted you so much because she was inherently naive about the world and didn't know better. She is still learning.

 

Evidently, she chats with men who are far away because it's an easy source of attention. Dating offline takes more effort and if she has emotional issues, it's probably hard to connect in person with local boys. You say she leads a productive life offline but you actually don't really know what she does offline. Like you, she could have feeding you a boatload of half-truths or fabrications. You two only know bits and pieces of each other, which is true of anyone who has not had any real-life quality time with the other person.

 

Ultimately, you can't make her happy again; you did what you could in apologizing, and you cannot realistically do more. She is responsible for what happens from here, in terms of coping. It's time for you to unplug and look for local dates, too. Both of you have a lot to learn from this.

 

Oh no she wasn't lying to me about anything. She literally just used to show me every second of her life. That's the saddest part, i have million pictures and memories of her. I know everything about her right from her childhood. She literally just shared everything. Only thing she lied was about her ex that she dated him too for 2 years.

[chaku101]

Well, granted, you should feel bad but over time, hopefully your guilt will subside. On her end, you probably did her a favor by helping her grow up and stop being so gullible. Lessons on both sides. That’s all that can be done at this point - learn from it and never repeat it. As the saying goes, when you know better, you do better.

 

She just texted me again telling me how that new guy also hurt her too.

She has lost all her hope to live. People keep hurting her. She is so done with life and hurting herself. She says she hasn't eaten anything in 24 hours. She doesn't sleep all night. It's affecting her life badly. I want to help her but Idk what to do. I feel too bad. I have contact number of her mom ? Should i talk to her ?

But shed get mad me. Cs i lied to her 4 years with fake profile when her family kept telling her to be careful who she is talking to. Shed look like a stupid girl who got fooled for so long

But she does need help and her family needs to know what she is going through

[d0nnivain]

But she does need help and her family needs to know what she is going through

 

When you started this, you were a 20 year old ADULT & she was a 15 year old CHILD. That alone is a problem. It's also why children, even teens, should be supervised on the internet, so men like you don't take advantage of them.

 

Now if you are saying she jumped from you to some other guy & that guy hurt her too but her parents have no idea what's going on, you need to tell them. This 19 year old is too naïve to be out there trusting men, especially ones she is meeting on the internet because she is too naïve.

 

 

In the short term she will hate you more for betraying her trust & telling her family but it is the right thing to do because she has lousy judgment.

[chaku101]

When you started this, you were a 20 year old ADULT & she was a 15 year old CHILD. That alone is a problem. It's also why children, even teens, should be supervised on the internet, so men like you don't take advantage of them.

 

Now if you are saying she jumped from you to some other guy & that guy hurt her too but her parents have no idea what's going on, you need to tell them. This 19 year old is too naïve to be out there trusting men, especially ones she is meeting on the internet because she is too naïve.

 

 

In the short term she will hate you more for betraying her trust & telling her family but it is the right thing to do because she has lousy judgment.

 

It's just her personality to get attached to people too fast. Care for them, be nice to them, help them and give them everything. And then she doesn't get back same and then she cries why does everyone hurt him.

Yes thanks ill talk to her mom