Maybe I am wrong?

[CK1dad]

Hello Everyone,

 

 

I am looking for some advice and will try to keep this as short as possible.

My girlfriend and I have been living together for 3 years. Me 49 and her 37. We are both divorced (her about 3 years .. me 7 at the time we met). We met, fell in love, and moved in with each other within a 1 month time frame .. I know I know.

 

I knew at the time she was rebuilding her career life. Definitely she kept how much work needed to be done in order to “rebuild” it. She went through major depression when she got divorced, and didn’t really work for that 3 year time frame. Lived off money she had from selling a business.

 

I have 2 kids from my previous marriage and own a house so she moved in there. Our basic discussion when she moved in was that she would give me money as I needed and we did not discuss actual amounts. Again I understand that this should have been better handled / agreed on but it wasn’t. I do understand my role in that.

 

So our first 6 months or so where okay emotionally and love wise. I asked for money here and there and she always said she didn’t have any. Hmmm. This is not going to work like this!

 

So a year into moving in, I am super frustrated. I realize that I am up at 530am each day and off to work and she really is just in the house all day NOT WORKING!! I received no money from her in the 1st year. Lights on, heat on, eating food, not paying for any of it.

 

Well, so, I tell her that she needs to go get a job if this is even going to begin to work out. The website she is supposedly working on each day is not up and running, she is not making any money and is out of the cash from the sold business. I also tell her that when she gets the job that I need $1000 per month to pay bills, food, her rent etc. She agrees.

At this time she says that she has always owned her own businesses because of problems working with other people. Can’t work a regular nine to five. My comments are that she has no capital for any business and it’s time to start paying her own way.

 

Many more things come out in the next while. Years of tax returns not completed .. owes parents money, credit line / cards racked up. On and on. I am getting pretty resentful at this time and am totally questioning the relationship.

 

The relationship is stressful for me. Worrying about money .. not really trusting her because words rarely match actions. CK1dad is pretty resentful.

 

So fast forward to now. She is working as a freelancer for marketing companies. Basically works 3 days or so a week, some at home, some at an office. I get my $1000 per month. I have no actual idea how much she makes per month or how many hours per week she actually spends actual time working.

 

Her parents forgive her loans, ex comes up with some money she pays of credit lines. Tax returns for X # of years are just being completed now! She has no savings, no retirement funds.

 

Now I get the news she will be taking off for Italy with her best girlfriend for 10 days in the spring. Her plan is to pay for it with her credit line. I am super jealous actually.

 

Ugggg! I pay my bills, my morgtage, child support, etc , ect. I work a lot, make a fairly decent living, but like a lot of us, owe everyone else. I moved out of the house at 19 and have been supporting myself for 20 + years. Right now I feel like work, work, work is all I do! I am 16 years away from retirement.

 

I have no cash for trips to Europe and what not. I do realize that some of my own life choices have brought me to this spot as well.

I have no idea, where the relationship is going, how it’s going to move forward. It feels so unbalanced. I have no idea if this is even worth trying to fix it. It seems to me (I may be wrong) that she really just wants to work enough to pay her bills and keep me off her back.

 

I am resentful of her and quite frankly the whole deal is beginning to turn me off.

 

Perhaps I am wrong here? Any comments or advice would be awesome.

 

 

I don't really know how to put this together anymore. To be honest I am not sure I have the energy to try anymore.

 

Thanks!

[BaileyB]

Welcome!

 

I think you are very aware that you jumped too quickly into a serious relationship with a woman who is financially irresponsible. You have been quite literally paying for that decision for the last few years...

 

And then, just when you think she is getting her financial house in order - she announces that she has made another financially irresponsible decision to go off on a European adventure that she can not afford with her girlfriend (let’s not even talk about the fact that she made a unilateral decision without consulting her life partner, because that is another problem to discuss on another day ).

 

Would I be resentful? Absolutely! Would I be reconsidering the relationship? Absolutely!

 

If you do decide to stay with her, I would suggest that you talk with a lawyer and get a cohabitation agreement signed - protect yourself and your assets financially in the event that this relationship ends.

 

The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior...

[Mr. Lucky]

I do realize that some of my own life choices have brought me to this spot as well.

 

Like supporting someone for a year so they can sit home and watch TV all day?

 

CK1dad, Bailey basically nailed it. You don't get in her dire financial straits through one bad move, it takes years of neglect, mismanagement and flawed decision making. In other words, this is who she is.

 

If you're looking for a short-term good time, perhaps she fits the bill. You like her company, hopefully the romantic end is strong, it works for you right now.

 

But if you're looking for a life partner, understand her priorities are very different than yours - and not just financially. Were I you, I'd be wondering why her vacation plans aren't focused on you as a couple?

 

You might want to think what life with her would be like 10 or 20 years from now...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BaileyB]

If you're looking for a short-term good time, perhaps she fits the bill. You like her company, hopefully the romantic end is strong, it works for you right now.

 

But if you're looking for a life partner, understand her priorities are very different than yours - and not just financially. Were I you, I'd be wondering why her vacation plans aren't focused on you as a couple?

 

Absolutely agree.

[d0nnivain]

She doesn't owe you an explanation of her finances but if the parts you are seeing raise red flags for you & upset you, then you need to address the issues. Tell her that you feel taken advantage of. Tell her you are open to talking about money & responsibility but if she is not then you would prefer she move out before this trip to Italy.

[bathtub-row]

You have a right to feel the way you do. The two of you are on opposite ends of the spectrum when it comes to money and that gap needs to be narrowed if the relationship is going to work. The problem is, you’re not married and that complicates things with finances.

 

While it may seem like what she does is her business as long as she pays you, it’s really not if the relationship moves forward at some point. Because someday, her bills and careless spending become your bills and headache. Dave Ramsey has an excellent financial course and it helps couples get on the same page. You may want to consider that.

 

As far as her trip is concerned, I wonder how she’d feel if she was stuck at home while you went off to Europe with a buddy. I’m guessing that wouldn’t go over very well.

 

You know, my son and his gf live together and while I think they keep their money separate, they agree on joint things and for all intents and purposes, they act married. Your gf acts like a roommate. I think that’s where the divide is happening. There’s no buy-in.

[CK1dad]

Hi Everyone,

 

 

Thanks so much.

 

 

Yes I do realize all too well I jumped in with my love goggles on and did not pay attention to the red flags or try to deal with this in a quick enough time frame.

 

 

I mean trust me I am so kicking my own a** for those mistakes.

 

 

Yes a cohabitation agreement must be signed. She already agreed to this but I have not followed through.

 

 

That's the thing about the "buy-in". Its just not there is it?

 

 

We have talked about all these issues but I still feel very blah about the whole thing.

 

 

I keep asking myself what would fix it? Like how can I feel this is a team effort.

 

 

More money from her? I don't think that's the answer.

 

 

I think what gets my goat so much is the actually time spent working. 3 sort of days a week sounds semi-retired to me! No desire or motivation to put in more time or save for now, or the future.

 

 

Although I don't support here directly I don't exactly ask for 1/2 of all bills. So to me I subsidize her and although I don't like it. I seems to boil down to me to making easy for her to not have to step up.

 

 

Is that out of line? Like to feel that way.

 

 

I actually don't know exactly what would work for me here.

 

 

The Italy thing is just another needle in the stack. She had no need for discussion ... she knew I wouldn't be able to go at that time nor would I have the actual cash to get anywhere near Italy.

 

 

I have refused to blend money in anyway. I see more so that yeah this did not happen overnight. She had investments, retirement funds and a house with her ex-husband. That all seemed to evaporate as she had a break-down and didn't work after her divorce.

 

 

When I got divorced I was informed of my child support payments .. wanted to have a breakdown but had to step up and go to work the next day.

 

 

So basically it's roommates with benefits .. not what I was looking for.

[Mr. Lucky]

Yes a cohabitation agreement must be signed. She already agreed to this but I have not followed through.

 

Seems a little passive/aggressive. So you're pissed off...but not enough to follow through and do something about it?

 

CK1dad, I wonder if it's somehow important to you that the current roles are maintained - you're perceived as the responsible guy, she's the screw-up. It can make for a dynamic that affects the entire relationship and one, even were she to change, might be hard for you to let go of were things to improve...

 

Mr. Lucky

Edited November 2, 2018 by Mr. Lucky

[bathtub-row]

If I were in her situation, I’d be sure that there was more of an equal split of the expenses. I wouldn’t want my bf to get the impression that I was using him. Now, I’m all for a guy taking care of the woman he loves and all that, but that should only be done when they’re married and when it works financially.

 

I don’t think she can reverse her mental gears and let go of the lifestyle she once had. The problem is, when the chips are down, people show you what they’re made of. You’re seeing what she’s made of and you’re not impressed.

[BaileyB]

Yes a cohabitation agreement must be signed. She already agreed to this but I have not followed through.

 

The good news - this is in your control, and you can make it happen tomorrow - if it's important to you...

 

More money from her? I don't think that's the answer.

 

I actually don't know exactly what would work for me here.

 

You had best figure it out. What do you want from this woman? Because, she is doing what works for her, and only that. If you want more, you will need to require more.

 

That's the thing about the "buy-in". Its just not there is it?

 

So basically it's roommates with benefits... Not what I was looking for.

 

No, the buy in is not there for either one of you. She is clearly not invested in the relationship, or she would be more concerned with showing you that she can be a mature and equal partner. She would also be planning a trip with you, not without you. While, you are not invested or you would be seeking a long term arrangement - you would get that cohabitation agreement signed or you would be putting a ring on her finger. The fact that you are not doing these things makes me think this is a short term relationship, not a lifelong partnership for either one of you...

[Mrs._December]

I do realize that some of my own life choices have brought me to this spot as well.

Some?????

 

ALL of your bad choices with this deadbeat woman have been YOUR choices. You should have booted her out years ago.

 

Why do you continue clinging to her like grim death?

[Normm]

The sex must be amazing.

[standtall]

You gotta ask yourself if the sex is worth it? If it is, shut up, if it ain't, nut up and kick her out.

[Whoknew30]

I completely understand thinking she’s not financially responsible due to her past but you’re explaining progress. As long as you get what you asked her for, I personally don’t see any more of an issue pertaining to you. You moved in a girl you didn’t know, she obviously told you she had a rough time after her divorce, so your were eyes open. She didn’t lie to you, you just didn’t know each other! You would have found everything out regardless...bc that’s called getting to know someone.

 

 

You’d be paying full bills with or without her. She should pay something but surely she shouldn’t be paying half of your mortgage, that you’ll get back when you sell.

 

Also you’re much older & can’t blame her that you never got it financially together enough to go to Europe. That’s your fault & yours alone...you’re upset bc she’s doing what you stopped yourself from doing. I feel like instead of being proud of her for making positive changes to better her life & you’re jealous that she’s not only getting it done but she doesn’t have the obligations you do...well she doesn’t. You’re child support, house before you met ext...isn’t her responsibility. If you want back pay for that year, tell her but she doesn’t owe you more than that.

 

I feel like instead of being proud of her finally snapping out of the bad place she was in after her divorce...her positive change is making you insecur bc she doesn’t have the life obligations you do to hold her down.

 

Either you love her & trust her after 3 years or you don’t. You’ve been divorced, so this isn’t your first rodeo not to know how you feel. Good luck

[FMW]

"Also you’re much older & can’t blame her that you never got it financially together enough to go to Europe. That’s your fault & yours alone...you’re upset bc she’s doing what you stopped yourself from doing."

 

I think OP probably prioritizes having retirement and other savings instead of going to Europe. His girlfriend has nothing - has just recently had enough to actual contribute ANYTHING to her own living expenses - OP was completely supporting her. I don't think I would call her "financially together". He IS financially together - and generous- enough to have paid ALL her living expenses for a period of time. Sheesh.

 

And no, she shouldn't get a discount on rent because he's a homeowner. If she was renting a comparable place she'd most likely be paying much more than she's (finally) contributing.

Edited November 4, 2018 by Finding my way

[Mr. Lucky]

The sex must be amazing.

 

Maybe we should combine this with the "Sex Instead Of Rent" thread in the Sexual Health forum ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Whoknew30]

"Also you’re much older & can’t blame her that you never got it financially together enough to go to Europe. That’s your fault & yours alone...you’re upset bc she’s doing what you stopped yourself from doing."

 

I think OP probably prioritizes having retirement and other savings instead of going to Europe. His girlfriend has nothing - has just recently had enough to actual contribute ANYTHING to her own living expenses - OP was completely supporting her. I don't think I would call her "financially together". He IS financially together - and generous- enough to have paid ALL her living expenses for a period of time. Sheesh.

 

And no, she shouldn't get a discount on rent because he's a homeowner. If she was renting a comparable place she'd most likely be paying much more than she's (finally) contributing.

 

If I’m paying full bills alone & fall in love with someone for only a month, then have them move in...I’m going to expect not to know everything about them. So it’s not like she lied, he decided to skip the part where you really get to know someone before you decide to move in, so how responsible can he be himself pertaining to decisions? she said she was depressed & not doing well after her divorce...which usually means bad decisions making in the process.

 

I said he waits for her to make a active financial turn around, to start complaining bc he can’t go to Europe due to obligations that has nothing to do with her. Sorry but by 48 if working your whole life & being so responsible, then why did he not ever travel, Jos can he be jealous that his gf that is much younger made her life the way she wants it & he hasn’t, that’s his fault his life isn’t exactly where he wants it, not hers.. I’m just saying people all make different decisions with their money. She’s paying him what he’s asked & now she wants to travel with her friend, who cares.

 

As for paying full rent the home he owns, 100% disagree she should be paying exactly half! No way I’d be paying half a mortgage on something my bf owns & I wouldn’t see a dime back if he sold it. Then again I’ve personally never rented anything in my life, I’ll only own.

 

It’s been 3 years, i really think he’s just insecure & jealous that she’s coming out of her depression (that he stated she had after her divorce) & she’s younger, going to be running around Europe with her friend & didn’t ask him...I think He needs to be honest what the problem is vs pinning it on just finances to make his insecurities & jealousy valid.

[basil67]

How does she justify her parents forgiving loans to her vs spending money to go on an OS holiday?

 

Entitlement at it's finest....being enabled by her parents.

[gaius]

Yeah, as Whoknew said, at this point she's actually the one subsidizing you. I moved in with my fiance and the overall expenses didn't increase by much. Less than 100 for electricity and water. The house is in your name so at this point you're probably making money off her and still upset for whatever reason.

 

I will just say this is the first time I've ever heard of a guy moving in a woman a decade plus younger than him, demanding significant rent from her while they're in a relationship and actually getting it. Other than the financial situation you've put yourself in it sounds like you've got it pretty good.