Looking for some perspective on changing long term relationship

[sunsout2018]

Hi all,

 

I've just joined, first post!

 

I'm just looking to get some stuff off my chest amongst impartial people to get a view on my situation.

 

I'm 35, have been with my partner for coming up 14 years. We were friends for a while before becoming an item, we bonded through lots of shared interests and a similar outlook on life. We moved in together 10 years ago. I bought a house, she was still at University and we moved in together.

 

She's my best friend. I don't have a large social circle, just a few good friends. In recent months, maybe the last 18 or so, I've noticed some changes in her and I'm not sure what to do about it.

 

Primarily, we've always both been of the view that we didn't want to get married nor have children. Neither were for us. However, as the years have rolled by I've noticed a change in my partner though she denies it when I ask her. Typically it comes out during nights out with other friends and partners. We've been together a long time, the rest of our friends less than 5 years and they're starting to get married and have children. It inevitably comes up on these nights out after a few drinks - friends will ask when we're having kids/getting married. I've not really changed, I say it's not something we've ever wanted but recently my partner has commented something along the lines of "I want to but he doesn't". I feel like she's starting to want that for herself and I'm not sure if it's a threat to the relationship although I have asked her outright why she says those things to friends as it makes me look like the bad guy when actually my position hasn't ever changed.

 

Coupled with this, she's started really pushing for us to move to a bigger/more expensive home which we don't need. A bit of background on this, when I started work I was the only one working as my partner was in full time education. The agreement was that I would support her through her education financially and then she would focus on finding a job that she loved. I hate my job and always saw it as a means to an end with the plan being once she is settled that I could take a look at a new career in something I would enjoy more. I've been suffering from chronic work related stress for about a decade owing to the high pressure nature of my job. I had 6 months off a good few years ago due to depression and recently had another month off due to stress due to the high pressure nature of my job. I've worked for a few different businesses doing a similar thing since starting full time work and the issues seem to be symptomatic in the industry I work - very high pressure, ridiculous deadlines, very long hours and always expected to be on call including evenings, weekends, holidays and even when I've been off sick.

 

However, my partner has never settled in a job and has been through a multitude of career changes that tend to go through a cycle of honeymoon phase where she loves it for a few months followed by a deep hatred of it. On more than one occasion she has quit with no other job lined up. Again, I supported her through that in the hopes that it'll be my turn soon to find something else - I've just gritted my teeth and endured the work in my field out of love for her and wanting her to find something she really enjoys.

 

As she hasn't been able to settle we worked out another route which was that I started freelancing around my full time job to try and get some money saved up with a view to paying off the mortgage quickly. We knew it would be tough as I'd have to knuckle down and get it done and that I'd need more support from her around the home. We used to split all the chores/cooking 50/50 but since I work so many hours the agreement was she would pick up more on that stuff given the hours I'd be working. It's been a killer for 5 years of working probably 60 hours a week in my job then another 40 in the evenings and weekends freelancing and I've gotten to a point now where the house will be paid off soon. At that point the plan was then for me to look at jobs away from what I currently do as our bills will massively reduce without a mortgage.

 

However, now we are approaching that point (finally) she hates her current job again and wants to quit without anything else. She keeps making references to "your savings" as though she wants me to give her some cash to cover her for a few months so she can quit. I've told her that it's for the mortgage and that I've never had the luxury of just quitting my job and it'd be wasteful for her to do the same at the expense of the countless hours I have been working to try and improve my situation given she hasn't settled in her job.

 

At this, she normally gets upset and says I'm not supporting her and then on top of that she's decided she hates where we live and wants us (i.e. me) to buy us a bigger, more expensive house in a nicer area. I asked her if she had saved anything at all for this grand idea or if she has any idea what she wants to spend, how much it'd cost to pay back and if we can afford it. She has no concept of all that and in terms of contributing financially and she hasn't saved anything /says she can't afford to save anything however she has a very active social life compared to me and spends lots shopping, going out etc. She's been abroad twice without me this year and is planning the same again next year.

 

I suffer with some serious health issues which means I might get out a couple of times a year for a "night out". We do plenty of smaller things like cinema trips, eating out etc where I can drive and not be too far away from home in case of a flare up.

 

So, I'm just not sure how to play the situation. Any time I try to discuss it I am accused of not listening or not looking out for her but at some point it'd be nice to have some support back from her given how much work impacts on my health coupled with my other long term health problems. She is well aware of the different health issues I am dealing with, one of which is progressive and debilitating with a good chance I will be in a wheelchair in the next few years.

 

Obviously from a marriage/children standpoint I don't think there's a compromise available if one person wants it and the other doesn't. On the house front I'm not sure why she's changed her mind there and no real reason is forthcoming other than she "hates it" here. She has said she feels cut off as she doesn't drive (there are bus stops right by the house). I have repeatedly suggested she get driving lessons. I even offered to pay, buy her a car and pay the running costs but in the years it's been a factor (the isolation) she hasn't even applied for a provisional licence. So it just seems like she is looking to me to resolve her problems whilst ignoring my own and I don't really know what to do about it. She gets angry if I can't/won't pick her up or give her a lift somewhere at short notice. I regularly pick her up or drop her at work, fetch her from the salon etc but then it'll be the one occasion where she wants me to "nip" her somewhere 40 miles away and then drive back on my own that she focuses on (nor has she ever contributed to fuel for these lifts, I have asked!).

 

Am I being unreasonable?

 

On the flip side, it's fair to say the amount of work I've been doing has made me distant. It's impossible to be as present as you would like when you work as many hours as I do. When I'm not working I'm just exhausted and the medication I have to take tends to knock me out, too. Like I say, we do little date nights, weekends away or we will have a movie night at home and I'll cook all of which I am expected to pay for. I'm doing the best I can to try and balance these things and it won't be forever once the house is paid off however part of me is starting to think I'm being a bit of a mug and I don't know what to do. I know when I get out of this line of work I will return to my old self. I've seen it first hand when I've had time off sick and the stress goes away and aside from paying the house off that's the main reason I'm doing what I'm doing because there's very little levity on a day to day basis as I'm so drained.

 

With the above context I've also noticed that our dialogue these days is probably 90% negative, at least the things she wants to talk about and she doesn't seem to recognise when is and isn't a good time to unload. Normally I arrive home from the office after she does - I have a 3 hours each way commute and she works 10 minutes round the corner - and like clockwork immediately (without asking how I am, how my day was or anything like that or letting me get in the door) she just starts going into mini-rants about work, specific colleagues, friends who are pissing her off, me, the house and normally it'll be a good 2 hours before she stops and I can start my freelancing work and then she will complain because I'm working later in to the night so end up having to go up to bed a few hours after she has gone up.

 

Again, I've tried asking that when I get in from work to be allowed to crack on and get freelance stuff out of the way and then we will have a bit of time later to talk etc but again I get told I'm not being supportive and it usually results in a few days of silent treatment or one word answers. I've spoken to her brother about it and he says she's always been that way i.e. seems to position herself as the victim in every scenario - she will complain to me about her family and to her family about me, to our friends about me and her family etc etc. Her mum and Dad have told me about it too it seems she has always been that way to a degree but I'm only really recognising it now. She will stay over there at her folks maybe twice a month for a night or two and apparently she walks in and just complains about anything & everything while she's there. It's got to the point where even her parents will say they're away/busy sometimes when she wants to stay over there because they're both working too as well as minding their granddaughter at weekends so they've got their hands full and then she will rock up and just complain the entire time, it's draining for them too so they will sometimes ask her not to go over that weekend. Whenever they talk on the phone I can hear her folks trying to change the subject as she will ring them for 3 hours and complain about all kinds on a week day evening so they are always trying to turn the conversation to more positive things.

 

Like I say, she's my world but given all of the above I'm wondering at what point I can maybe prioritise my own stuff a bit more. I'm not a big complainer, stoic is how she tends to describe me and I just get on with things but after so long I feel like it's time to look at career and stuff to live a happier life.

 

Appreciate this is long and rambling but I just wanted to get it off my chest!

Edited November 1, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Mr. Lucky]

Well, bottom line, you're not on the same page and haven't been for some time.

 

People do change, especially over the course of 14 years. So your "not interested in marriage or family" partner has pretty obviously evolved to a point where that's no longer true. And I'd guess that incompatibility with your POV is a root cause of much of her unhappiness with job, house, etc. Simply put, she'd rather be focused on raising a family than working, not an unusual feeling for a woman her age.

 

So the question becomes, where do you go from here?

 

Is there any room for adjustment in your view on marriage and kids?

 

Mr. Lucky

[sunsout2018]

Well, bottom line, you're not on the same page and haven't been for some time.

 

People do change, especially over the course of 14 years. So your "not interested in marriage or family" partner has pretty obviously evolved to a point where that's no longer true. And I'd guess that incompatibility with your POV is a root cause of much of her unhappiness with job, house, etc. Simply put, she'd rather be focused on raising a family than working, not an unusual feeling for a woman her age.

 

So the question becomes, where do you go from here?

 

Is there any room for adjustment in your view on marriage and kids?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Cheers for the reply.

 

On my side re: movement; not really. On the children front I don't have "that" draw to children that most other people seem to have. It's just never been there and it would be irresponsible just to have a child and see how it goes. It should be something that both people want not just one person and the other agreeing to keep a partner happy. Coupled with that I would rather not pass on the hereditary health problems that I have which there would be a good chance of. On top of that the house isn't really big enough for children even if I did feel different and with me imminently likely to be facing a huge pay cut when I change career there probably won't be the funds to raise a child either given it'd likely be me in work and my partner at home. Time is ticking though, she's 37 which is already pretty late if she has changed her mind on that front but why won't she talk to me about it - it only comes out when she's had a drink. When I've raised it outside of those times to ask what her feelings are she maintains she still doesn't want kids.

 

Likewise for marriage really. For all other intents and purposes we are married save for a bit of paper. Marriage has never been something we've ever wanted until her ambitions have seemingly changed which I can't blame her for - people generally change between their early 20s and their 30s.

Edited November 1, 2018 by sunsout2018

[MountainGirl111]

She's your partner or common law wife...whatever...but she is not BEING a partner to you. And that is huge. It sounds like she has not been a partner for a very long time, if ever.

 

That can leave a person feeling depleted on top of being depleted from your job and your chronic illness.

 

Dude, you have to put your health first and it sounds like you have TRIED to do that, but you are locked into working so much to pay the bills and provide for her. I see the relationship as being very unbalanced and unfair and unhealthy for you.....she just expects you to be her provider and has never been REQUIRED to step up to the plate and do for herself. That's outrageous, dude. And she can't drive? So she expects you to be her chauffeur as well? C'mon it's 2018.

 

I could understand if she was the stay at home wife who was supportive and not so demanding of you. Nothing wrong with that. But, from what you have written she is none of that. I have little sympathy for women who depend on their men financially but show little support for them. Whiners.

[MountainGirl111]

For the sake of your health, you've got to somehow have a "Come To Jesus Talk" with her and set forth some things that YOU need and tell her why you need them. For your health, for your sanity, for your relationship. Maybe even your Dr. can have a little chat with her about your illness and what she could be doing to help you in that.

 

I might be reading things wrong here, but it seems as though the relationship has been unbalanced for so long with her demanding what her needs are and your needs being put after hers. That's just not right.

 

Realistically, no relationship is strict 50/50. But if you can somehow get it more centered/equal I think you'll be happier and she's just going to have to figure things out. 14 years is a LONG time for her to have no clear career or direction in life about what she really wants to do with herself. It's even possible she has lived vicariously through you and others....and still, she whines. What gives, man?

 

I see you as being more goal driven; you actually have goals including financial goals and she doesn't and doesn't really stick with it because she hasn't been required to. Like you've said, you've never had the luxary of just quitting your job because someone has to pay the bills.

Edited November 1, 2018 by MountainGirl111

[sunsout2018]

For the sake of your health, you've got to somehow have a "Come To Jesus Talk" with her and set forth some things that YOU need and tell her why you need them. For your health, for your sanity, for your relationship. Maybe even your Dr. can have a little chat with her about your illness and what she could be doing to help you in that.

 

I might be reading things wrong here, but it seems as though the relationship has been unbalanced for so long with her demanding what her needs are and your needs being put after hers. That's just not right.

 

Realistically, no relationship is strict 50/50. But if you can somehow get it more centered/equal I think you'll be happier and she's just going to have to figure things out. 14 years is a LONG time for her to have no clear career or direction in life about what she really wants to do with herself. It's even possible she has lived vicariously through you and others....and still, she whines. What gives, man?

 

I see you as being more goal driven; you actually have goals including financial goals and she doesn't and doesn't really stick with it because she hasn't been required to. Like you've said, you've never had the luxary of just quitting your job because someone has to pay the bills.

 

Thanks, I agree with your perspective on what I posted. Ultimately the career change has to happen or I worry about the longer term impact on my health and my personal life it’s been the plan all along and I’m going to follow through with it as I’ve sacrificed so much to get to this point.

 

We had a false start on the career change about a year ago. I was ready to make the change but after we had the conversation on it within a couple of days she said she hated HER job. It turned into an argument as I asked how long I have to wait and ignore how unhappy my work situation is and how it was impacting on my wider mental health and can she not just hang on for my sake. Waterworks came on, she got her way.

 

Even though I’m the one that’s shouldered the burden of work I almost feel guilty for wanting to do this for myself and not wanting to chase bigger salaries. I’m well paid currently as it is and if I wanted to I know I could easily double it in the same field as I’m more than qualified for a promotion but the industry expects you to give everything to work and I’ve never been materialistic. I crave balance in life and would sooner earn less to achieve it hence why I decided to work really hard whilst still relatively young to create these opportunities down the line.

[MountainGirl111]

Thanks, I agree with your perspective on what I posted. Ultimately the career change has to happen or I worry about the longer term impact on my health and my personal life it’s been the plan all along and I’m going to follow through with it as I’ve sacrificed so much to get to this point.

 

We had a false start on the career change about a year ago. I was ready to make the change but after we had the conversation on it within a couple of days she said she hated HER job. It turned into an argument as I asked how long I have to wait and ignore how unhappy my work situation is and how it was impacting on my wider mental health and can she not just hang on for my sake. Waterworks came on, she got her way.

 

Even though I’m the one that’s shouldered the burden of work I almost feel guilty for wanting to do this for myself and not wanting to chase bigger salaries. I’m well paid currently as it is and if I wanted to I know I could easily double it in the same field as I’m more than qualified for a promotion but the industry expects you to give everything to work and I’ve never been materialistic. I crave balance in life and would sooner earn less to achieve it hence why I decided to work really hard whilst still relatively young to create these opportunities down the line.

 

I'm going to be brutally honest and just tell you she sounds like a wimp. I'm sorry if that's not what you need to hear or what you already know. So perhaps me writing that isn't helpful for you. Here you are working as much as you do WITH an illness....but she cries and you cave. Not an unusual dynamic, really. How about you cry for a change and see how she responds....seriously, men can cry too. That doesn't make you less of a man. Why don't you try crying next time you guys discuss this issue and see what she does. Why does she get to cry and bail, but you always have to stick it out? Because......you've always been the strong one? Yes, that's likely it.

 

You're the strong one and she depends on you. But now you've reached a point in which you need to depend on her and she's not able to do that.

 

That is super sucky.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this. Your relationship is a chronic issue as well as your health. I'm going to throw out that if the dynamics were different in your relationship you might have been able to cope with the demands of your job better throughout the years and it wouldn't be taking such a toll on your health.

 

I know some lines of work are just demanding as the nature of the beast. It's part of what we sign up for when we take it on.

 

I'll share some things that have helped me: I try to make work fun and bring some cheer with me to work each day. Maybe you're already doing that! I don't want to assume anything. I try to cheer up my co-workers and clients, visitors, anyone.....If I can do this, it brings me some satisfaction. One my days off or hours off I try to pamper myself as much as possible and NOT feel GUILTY about it!! If someone in your life is making you feel guilty for putting your health first, they need a come to Jesus talk.

 

I have a feeling the dynamics of your relationship got started long ago. It's not easy for people to change and to live differently than how they expect to live based of how they've been living for so long.....It sounds like perhaps she is TRYING and has TRIED....but for whatever reason she gives up because she hates her job? I don't know her so I don't know why she ends up hating her jobs. Does she just not like to work? Does she just not like dealing with other people. Does she have a hard time being accountable? Because when we work we are accountable. We don't just get free paychecks. Just throwing that out there. Some people have a skewed concept of what it means to earn a living!! I don't know how to get people to understand that who might be struggling with that.

 

Look, I know from my own profession that there some folks who seem to have a great work ethic or others who don't. Me? Of course I love working with others who pull their weight! Who doesn't. If just makes things flow much easier. I'm not saying your wife is a slacker or is lazy. I don't know your wife....maybe she just struggles....

 

Here's to your mental and physical health. I hope you feel better at some point.

Edited November 1, 2018 by MountainGirl111

[MountainGirl111]

I feel fairly strongly that what makes many situations and relationships truly "work" is when you work as a team. That's it. That's the big difference right there. I'm talking about work relationships, marriages, friendships, families. When life and work is approached as a TEAM it sets the stage for much more positive and satisfying feelings/comraderie. It's a lonely place to be when you are doing most of "pulling". Your profession is very demanding, but I hope it also gives you some satisfaction.

[Mr. Lucky]

Time is ticking though, she's 37 which is already pretty late if she has changed her mind on that front but why won't she talk to me about it - it only comes out when she's had a drink.

 

I'd guess she understand your position is fairly resolute and she'd be wasting her time. A few drinks, those inhibitions fall away.

 

Likewise for marriage really. For all other intents and purposes we are married save for a bit of paper.

 

A slightly hypocritical stance for this reason:

 

She keeps making references to "your savings" as though she wants me to give her some cash to cover her for a few months so she can quit. I've told her that it's for the mortgage and that I've never had the luxury of just quitting my job and it'd be wasteful for her to do the same at the expense of the countless hours I have been working to try and improve my situation given she hasn't settled in her job.

 

Were you married, the savings would belong to both of you, as would the joint decision making regarding any use. Right now the control is unilateral, and you come across in your post as though you quite like it that way.

 

Nothing wrong with not wanting to get married but it is disingenuous to pretend your current situation is just as binding...

 

Mr. Lucky

[sunsout2018]

 

A slightly hypocritical stance for this reason:

 

Were you married, the savings would belong to both of you, as would the joint decision making regarding any use. Right now the control is unilateral, and you come across in your post as though you quite like it that way.

 

Nothing wrong with not wanting to get married but it is disingenuous to pretend your current situation is just as binding...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I’m not sure I understand your point here. I’ve been candid about the situation so not sure which bit comes across as insincere or hypocritical. We aren’t married (because that’s what we both said we wanted until recently hence the post) but as I said for all intents and purposes we are other than for a bit of paper. Should we ever split we always agreed that all assets such as the house we would split equally. My partner is the sole beneficiary of my will, life insurance and death in service benefit at work. Should anything happen to me she’d be secure for life. I don’t have anyone else like immediate family.

 

As far as the savings go, it isn’t unilateral. We agreed on what we were doing after I had my nervous breakdown and would’ve been committed to a secure unit (had it not been for my partner being there to tell the doctor not to do that). Basically I was having suicidal thoughts as my depression was in a very bad phase.

 

So the plan was basically continue to work full time but also set up a corporate entity via an accountant and use that as a vehicle for my freelance work. Leave the money in there until I’ve amassed enough to pay the mortgage off and then wrap the company up as there’s a very tax efficient way to get at the proceeds meaning we’d be there sooner. So in a sense the money from the business isn’t real in that we don’t see it. Our life is funded purely from our full time work.

 

There’s been plenty of other stuff that I’ve helped her with over the years like college courses, holidays, paid off her credit cards, paid off a loan, paid for a professional certification. With the latest request I asked if she’d be able to repay it over a year so that we would still be on target for paying the house off and she’s made it clear she wants a cash gift and not a loan.

 

As far as “cash gifts” go there are some important points to note. When we were getting together my partner was recovering from an abusive relationship. Her ex wouldn’t allow her to have her own money, her own banking, a phone, friends and he was verbally and physically abusive towards her. She was really hurting from the time with him so as we became serious and moved in together she was a bit apprehensive. One of the things she wanted was for her own financial independence. Namely she wanted her own separate finances and no joint account after the controlling ex. Now, I don’t have a crazy lifestyle owing to my compromised health. I’m happy at home with a book or Netflix.

 

Basically I pay all the bills, I put the deposit on the house, food, pay the mortgage, car etc. I have a bit left over each month which we use for date nights and all that and her salary from work, several thousand a month, is all her own to do whatever she wants. So in terms of household disposable income my partner has much more than I do as she hasn’t got any bills to pay but it tends to be spent wastefully so she’s never had any of her own savings either which would’ve been easily achievable if she wanted a buffer to take a break from work. I can only do so much. A few times she’s admitted hidden debts such as overdrafts and store cards which ive sorted out too.

Edited November 2, 2018 by sunsout2018

[sunsout2018]

I feel fairly strongly that what makes many situations and relationships truly "work" is when you work as a team. That's it. That's the big difference right there. I'm talking about work relationships, marriages, friendships, families. When life and work is approached as a TEAM it sets the stage for much more positive and satisfying feelings/comraderie. It's a lonely place to be when you are doing most of "pulling". Your profession is very demanding, but I hope it also gives you some satisfaction.

 

Zero satisfaction. I hate everything about it which is why I’m getting out. The industry is notorious for burning people out. The expectation basically is that you devote your life to work. Workloads are insanely high and teams are perpetually understaffed. Businesses in this field typically churn 50% of their staff a year which is insane and the average age is under 30 due to how much they demand of people. Once people get past thirty and partners, kids are a factor they usually drop-off or you have mainly men at the top who happily work in the office until 9/10pm most nights and just miss out on a home life. I’ve never wanted that for myself long term, we are only here once after all! I was in the office late recently and my colleague got up to leave at 8pm. We were working on some tight deadline. As he gets up the MD asks where he’s going to which he replies, home to read my son a bed time story because I haven’t seen him all week. The MD replies “that’s what women are for, sit back down”. It’s VERY archaic and my outlook has always been work to live, not the other way round but I’ve been living to work for few years to achieve our goals!

 

I plan on doing something totally different when the time comes.

[sunsout2018]

I'm going to be brutally honest and just tell you she sounds like a wimp. I'm sorry if that's not what you need to hear or what you already know. So perhaps me writing that isn't helpful for you. Here you are working as much as you do WITH an illness....but she cries and you cave. Not an unusual dynamic, really. How about you cry for a change and see how she responds....seriously, men can cry too. That doesn't make you less of a man. Why don't you try crying next time you guys discuss this issue and see what she does. Why does she get to cry and bail, but you always have to stick it out? Because......you've always been the strong one? Yes, that's likely it.

 

You're the strong one and she depends on you. But now you've reached a point in which you need to depend on her and she's not able to do that.

 

That is super sucky.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this. Your relationship is a chronic issue as well as your health. I'm going to throw out that if the dynamics were different in your relationship you might have been able to cope with the demands of your job better throughout the years and it wouldn't be taking such a toll on your health.

 

I know some lines of work are just demanding as the nature of the beast. It's part of what we sign up for when we take it on.

 

I'll share some things that have helped me: I try to make work fun and bring some cheer with me to work each day. Maybe you're already doing that! I don't want to assume anything. I try to cheer up my co-workers and clients, visitors, anyone.....If I can do this, it brings me some satisfaction. One my days off or hours off I try to pamper myself as much as possible and NOT feel GUILTY about it!! If someone in your life is making you feel guilty for putting your health first, they need a come to Jesus talk.

 

I have a feeling the dynamics of your relationship got started long ago. It's not easy for people to change and to live differently than how they expect to live based of how they've been living for so long.....It sounds like perhaps she is TRYING and has TRIED....but for whatever reason she gives up because she hates her job? I don't know her so I don't know why she ends up hating her jobs. Does she just not like to work? Does she just not like dealing with other people. Does she have a hard time being accountable? Because when we work we are accountable. We don't just get free paychecks. Just throwing that out there. Some people have a skewed concept of what it means to earn a living!! I don't know how to get people to understand that who might be struggling with that.

 

Look, I know from my own profession that there some folks who seem to have a great work ethic or others who don't. Me? Of course I love working with others who pull their weight! Who doesn't. If just makes things flow much easier. I'm not saying your wife is a slacker or is lazy. I don't know your wife....maybe she just struggles....

 

Here's to your mental and physical health. I hope you feel better at some point.

 

It sounds weird but I don’t think I’ve ever cried in front of her. I’ve done it at a doctors appointment, in my car on the way to work or I’ll go to the bathroom. I’m not super emotional unless it’s an extreme. I have some ASD which impacts on that a bit so I bottle things up or don’t realise what’s going on until I’m really sick.

 

Accountability seems to be a factor and organisational skills. In a few jobs she’s gotten into bother for not doing things properly repeatedly, forgetting things etc and she will tend to not talk to me about it until it’s a bigger issue I.e she’s received a formal warning. Her current boss told her last week she doesn’t have any common sense, that’s incredibly unfair but she can be quite ditzy unless she writes things down. It’s because she’s really creative and not so much orderley. We kind of contrast in that regard.

 

One of the factors from my perspective is she has pursued money over interest. She’s very creative and caring but has been going after jobs that are the opposite. Obviously that’s her choice but I’ve urged her to find something she actually loves because it’s not so much the money that matters but the consistency. However it is her choice so not much I can do other than offer my advice.

[Mr. Lucky]

As far as the savings go, it isn’t unilateral. We agreed on what we were doing after I had my nervous breakdown and would’ve been committed to a secure unit (had it not been for my partner being there to tell the doctor not to do that). Basically I was having suicidal thoughts as my depression was in a very bad phase.

 

So the plan was basically continue to work full time but also set up a corporate entity via an accountant and use that as a vehicle for my freelance work. Leave the money in there until I’ve amassed enough to pay the mortgage off and then wrap the company up as there’s a very tax efficient way to get at the proceeds meaning we’d be there sooner. So in a sense the money from the business isn’t real in that we don’t see it. Our life is funded purely from our full time work.

 

sunsout2018, my point is simply this - plans can change, as you're finding out re her shifting feelings about marriage and family.

 

I'm not sure I'd feel any differently than you do. You were in agreement on marriage, a financial plan was in place and you've worked (very) hard to make it happen and see some benefit for yourself. A deal's a deal, right?

 

Except life isn't that simple, especially in that arc that takes us through our 20's and 30's. As I'm older than you, I remember friends out of college espousing free love and communal life. And yet somehow by their 40th birthday, they were in monogamous, suburban marriages.

 

Your partner seems to have changed and is still changing in many of her views, goals and approach to life. You can either change with her or find someone else more compatible.

 

There is no right answer...

 

Mr. Lucky

[MountainGirl111]

It sounds weird but I don’t think I’ve ever cried in front of her. I’ve done it at a doctors appointment, in my car on the way to work or I’ll go to the bathroom. I’m not super emotional unless it’s an extreme. I have some ASD which impacts on that a bit so I bottle things up or don’t realise what’s going on until I’m really sick.

 

Accountability seems to be a factor and organisational skills. In a few jobs she’s gotten into bother for not doing things properly repeatedly, forgetting things etc and she will tend to not talk to me about it until it’s a bigger issue I.e she’s received a formal warning. Her current boss told her last week she doesn’t have any common sense, that’s incredibly unfair but she can be quite ditzy unless she writes things down. It’s because she’s really creative and not so much orderley. We kind of contrast in that regard.

 

One of the factors from my perspective is she has pursued money over interest. She’s very creative and caring but has been going after jobs that are the opposite. Obviously that’s her choice but I’ve urged her to find something she actually loves because it’s not so much the money that matters but the consistency. However it is her choice so not much I can do other than offer my advice.

 

So, she's creative....I'm creative, but I'm also organized and I like organization. I don't like chaos. She may think she wants to and needs to work to help her sort of stem this tendency of hers to "daydream" which is what many creative people do. I have a family member who is like this...drives me nuts. She has a hard time staying on task. But she's been that way since childhood. I don't if she will ever change. I'm just wondering if she likes the nature of her work? If a person can somehow get some satisfaction from their jobs, when the job is very demanding, it helps to balance it out. If they believe in the "purpose".

 

I still think you should try crying in front of her if you feel like it. It can actually bring the two of you closer. I don't think it would diminish you. She needs to know you are perhaps at a breaking point. Then, maybe she can give you some support. Maybe she will rise to the occasion.....

[MountainGirl111]

Zero satisfaction. I hate everything about it which is why I’m getting out. The industry is notorious for burning people out. The expectation basically is that you devote your life to work. Workloads are insanely high and teams are perpetually understaffed. Businesses in this field typically churn 50% of their staff a year which is insane and the average age is under 30 due to how much they demand of people. Once people get past thirty and partners, kids are a factor they usually drop-off or you have mainly men at the top who happily work in the office until 9/10pm most nights and just miss out on a home life. I’ve never wanted that for myself long term, we are only here once after all! I was in the office late recently and my colleague got up to leave at 8pm. We were working on some tight deadline. As he gets up the MD asks where he’s going to which he replies, home to read my son a bed time story because I haven’t seen him all week. The MD replies “that’s what women are for, sit back down”. It’s VERY archaic and my outlook has always been work to live, not the other way round but I’ve been living to work for few years to achieve our goals!

 

I plan on doing something totally different when the time comes.

 

You're right, that mentality is very archaic! And, sad. Kids grow up fast. And they will always remember that a parent read them stories. You're right we're only here once afterall. I know someone who works insanely long hours and pretty much devotes himself to work. I hope he's happy and healthy. He has kids, multiple. For me it's all about "balance". And, some companies actually encourage their employees to be very conscious about their health and life balance.

 

Okay, so here's a thought: I think society has these expectations of men in particular and it's up to the man to be the provider financially on top of be the maintenance man on the home front and complete that honeydew list; all these expectations.

 

Here's another thought. A father gets as much satisfaction from reading bedtime stories as the kid does. Story time is NOT just for the kids, it's for the parents. It's very special. How sad when bosses don't recognize that and maybe give someone flack for it.

 

But, it's also sad when the man gets flack from work plus flack from the wife.

 

If there's one thing women need to learn not to do it's to stop nagging their men. Men have feelings just as much as women and they feel pressure and stress and they can only take so much. There's that's my rant for today.

[clia]

I hate to say it, but you sound like a total doormat.

 

Let me get this straight -- You are spending 6 hours a day commuting (you say 3 hours each way), 60 hours a week working that job, plus 40 hours a week freelancing, plus carting your girlfriend around, plus paying all the bills, while your girlfriend flits around from job to job, travels overseas, goes shopping, contributes no money to the household, and complains about everything? Why are you putting up with this? It really makes no sense to me. You are going to work yourself into the grave and for what?

 

My advice is to take control of your life and stop being such a martyr. If you hate your job, find another job that is preferably closer to your house. Stop working 100 hour weeks; it's further damaging your health. Stop enabling your girlfriend's behavior. Sit down with her, work out a budget, and tell her what she needs to contribute going forward. Tell you she needs to learn how to drive because you won't be carting her around anymore. You've allowed her to act like a child rather than an adult.

 

And honestly, it sounds like she doesn't care at all about your health or about you. I would even suggest she's using you. It seems like you could do a lot better in a partner.

[MountainGirl111]

In another vein I will say that sadly, women get dinged career wise when they want to spend more time at home...so they may cut their hours voluntarily and not only do they then make less, they somehow have to learn to live on less too. They may even be treated as "less" by their employers. Your co-worker that wanted to be home by 8? He needs to keep taking a stand. We train people how to treat us.

 

Now, back to you and your woman: It sounds like you guys came up with an arrangement and a plan at the beginning based on a number of factors; based a LOT on what she needed and based on her previous abusive relationship. See, this can be a big problem. We bring into current relationships what we went through in our past relationships and unless we find a way to heal and resolve the problems we just "roll it over" into the next relationship. You were in a way trying to do the opposite of what she went through. In so doing you'v become almost over accommodating. So, it sounds like she hasn't had to be "responsible". She gets to take long trips. The money she makes is for herself mainly.

 

Now, she's indicating she might want a baby? Oh no....

[MountainGirl111]

Here. Watch this video. I think it's super good, plus I like Matt MC. Anyways...there really is something to be said in finding joy/satisfaction in the process, not just the end product. Give it a listen. Hope it helps.

 

Edited November 2, 2018 by MountainGirl111

[MountainGirl111]

I know you hate your job. I'm not here to question why that is or try to make you like it again. Sometimes it's just pure burn out.

 

I've had to deal with burn out too. It ain't easy. You're not alone....so not alone....you may be burned out, but you do NOT have to become ashes.

 

But, like, in my current job...I came to a point...and I finally turned a corner. It wasn't that I hated the nature of the work....I was getting a lot of satisfaction there...what it was was I didn't like how work was taking up so much time in my life so that I didn't have any time/energy left over to enjoy my passionate hobbies as much. I felt incredibly FRUSTRATED....in like a perpetual frustration...and I know what can happen when I get perpetually frustrated...I can get into some real unhealthy territory....

 

But, I dunno...something changed...or I changed....and I started feel less stress, less frustration and MORE joy....joy in ways I thought I could possibly never feel joy about!! This took me by surprise, it really did. I'm glad for it, but I cannot totally explain the mystery of it. Hmmm.