Struggling to decide if we have a future

[mountainman44]

Hi All,

 

Thank you for taking the time to read this and provide your inputs. It's greatly appreciated.

 

My long-distance girlfriend and just agreed to have a "status of the relationship" discussion this weekend when I visit here.

 

Here is some background:

- We've been dating for just over 2 years

- I'm 29 and she is 27

- We've been long-distance since the very beginning, though her job flexibility has allowed a number of 2 week+ visits. We'll likely be long-distance for at least another 18 months.

- I'm currently in graduate school and she just started taking graduate classes

 

Problem:

She doesn't feel that I prioritize our relationship and is heartbroken by this. In her view, I have way too many social gatherings and these come at the direct expense of our relationship. These prevent us from having quality time in the evenings, foundational in our relationship from the beginning.

 

In my view, a good balance between social life and focusing on our relationship is important. I'm a highly social person, true before I met her and most likely going forward. I attend an average 3-4 evening social gatherings each week. Occasionally parties, but more often dinners, movies, and other types of events.

 

She has a much stronger preference for alone time and often mentions that "my social calendar stresses her out to even think about." I aim to get home from most events so that her and I can say goodnight and try to clearly communicate when I won't (she's in a later timezone), though occasionally things last longer than planned. On days when we anticipate not talking in the evening, we always try to find another block of time during the day to chat.

 

Sometimes this approach seems to work and she is highly supportive. But other times it seems that an event is the straw that breaks the camel's back and we launch back into old fights about my priorities.

 

I've also tried proposing scheduling regular 1-2 hour bonding sessions where we can connect, but she hates the idea of being scheduled in. She wants to feel fully and always prioritized.

 

This conflict has been ongoing since I started school more than a year ago, if not a bit before. It's gotten to the point where I feel a sense of dread before committing to or attending any social event as I'm worried if it will trigger another conflict.

 

Her not feeling prioritized and me feeling like I'm walking on glass are not healthy for either of us. I'm sad to say that's it's begun to taint how we both view the relationship.

 

Big question:

It's my guess that if she was more socially inclined or me less so, that we we would be more in balance about social commitments. I personally feel that, while at times lacking, our overall communication level is good. She feels that we never have enough time together. This conflict has created seeds of doubt in both of our minds and we had a particularly heart-wrenching call today that led to our upcoming "status" meeting.

 

What I've been trying to decide for a long time now is if:

 

1. I'm truly not putting in enough effort and am blind to how little I care about her compared to social gatherings.

2. Or if our personalities are simply vastly different and she would be better off with someone who is less social I with someone who is more social.

 

If it's #1, I need to figure my **** out as this will become a problem in any relationship I'm involved in. If it's #2, it's a sad case of us perhaps not being good matches for each other. Really sad as I love her deeply.

 

She has also been suffering significant self-confidence issues since classes started and I'm worried they could be playing a role.

 

Thank you again for your thoughts! I'm really conflicted on what to do here.

[Whodatdog]

If you were both living close by, and dating, it would be easier to compromise a bit on both of your sides. But with being a long distance relationship, I think its unreasonable for her to try and rein in the type of person that you are, in that you like to socialize several times a week.

 

The rules are different for a long distance relationship, especially when both people have very different ideas on what they like to do. Her need to be fully prioritized is unreasonable. Many people in long distance relationships plan on certain times to be for each other. I dont know why she hates the idea of being "scheduled in". I dont know what else you can reasonably do in a long distance relationship. It almost sounds more controlling than being prioritized.

 

Long distance relationships are extremely difficult in the best of situations; most dont work out. She needs to learn to trust in you, and let you be you.

[mountainman44]

Thank you for the thoughts Whodatdog. Another contributing factor that I forgot to mention is that she moved out of her parents' house and to a new city across the country about three months ago. These issues have escalated since then and I think it's because she's relying on me for support more than ever. I worry that it would crush her if things ended while she's still in this vulnerable stage of having just moved out.