hope18 Posted November 1, 2018 Share Posted November 1, 2018 (edited) Please please give me your opinions on this situation, I'm sorry it's so long. 3 weeks ago I split with a guy that I was dating for about a month. Things moved pretty fast for us physically and emotionally and I fell HARD. Over time, things really started to bother me. There was one side to him that I adored and was everything I wanted in a guy. But over time there was this side to him that would pop up out of nowhere. He was extremely immature (we're freshmen in college) and he could be quite rude to people in a sarcastic way, including my friends. He has a really hard time communicating his emotions, I mean like a really hard time. He's extremely insecure and he's trying to fit a certain image on this campus aka a "go with the flow/don't give a sh*t" kind of guy. Which is hard for me to see because he opened up to me quite a bit and I know he is not that guy. He's deeply religious, poetic, honestly a softie who slow danced with me in his room to a song that came on in a Nicholas Sparks movie we were watching. Anyways, these things caused us to split. I told him one night that all I was asking is he be respectful to my friends and to communicate if something is bothering him that switches him into that cold and distant mood. He said immediately after that that he "didn't feel the same way" about me anymore and he lost feelings and felt like I was "setting too many rules". So that was that. A few days later we agreed to being friends but he said he needed a few weeks apart first. (If his feelings were truly gone, why would he need time apart??). I didn't hear from him for about two weeks other than when he would say hey to me in passing. I officially accepted it was over and began to move forward. On Monday however, I was walking out of breakfast and noticed he was walking behind me. I started walking faster because I honestly just didn't want to talk to him and I did not expect him to say anything since he didn't know I saw him. But he called out my name and ran up behind me. Asked me how I've been, what I've been up to, and made small talk as he walked me partway to class. Two days later (yesterday), I was at breakfast and saw him there again in line getting food. He said hey but we went and sat at separate tables. Then 5 minutes later he texted me asking if I was planning on being there for a while and asked if he could come sit. Again, we talked for a little while just about classes and life etc. He made a comment about my outfit (I actually put effort into my appearance that day lol) and also said that he "noticed me" walking out of my pilates class on monday (I have to walk by his practice in order to get to the pilates room). He walked me to class again, and that was it. But he snapchatted me later that night (he did however send the same picture to everyone), same thing this morning. I for the life of me cannot tell what his motives are. Does he just want a platonic friendship now that time has passed? Is he hoping for a hookup? Does he still have feelings and realize he messed up? I don't know. He does know I still have feelings for him, my friend on his team told him I did last week. I want to ask him what he's thinking, but I think it's too soon since we've only had two conversations and I do not want to freak him out. I know I can't be with him again until he matures, which won't be for a long time. But I just want to know what his motives are. Because if he doesn't have feelings I don't want to hold onto a tiny sliver of hope for "someday". And if he doesn't have feelings I think I still need some time away from him to recover. I'm just afraid of closing any doors. He's very concerned with his social image and wants to have lots of friends (he's kind of a nerdy/awkward guy and like I said he's extremely insecure). So my fear is that he's only being my friend because he doesn't want to be on bad terms with anyone and wants to have as many friends as possible. But this just seems like a lot of effort to put into a friendship so suddenly with someone you just broke up with a couple weeks ago. Part of me thinks he still has feelings, but I honestly have no idea with him. If he did I feel like he would be texting me more and maybe putting more effort into fixing things. What do you think? Edited November 1, 2018 by hope18 Link to post Share on other sites
CardsFan01 Posted November 1, 2018 Share Posted November 1, 2018 He likely wants to keep you close enough for an occasional hookup. You’re a freshman in college and you were together for a month. Forget about him and move on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author hope18 Posted November 1, 2018 Author Share Posted November 1, 2018 (edited) He likely wants to keep you close enough for an occasional hookup. You’re a freshman in college and you were together for a month. Forget about him and move on. That's what my friend thinks too.. he did lose his virginity to me... I'm trying to move on and honestly I had been doing great, my feelings were almost totally gone and I had officially decided to let go and then literally the next day he pops up again. I think it's less about my feelings for him at this point and more just me being genuinely curious what's going on in his head. (I'm a psych major lol). That being said though, I do still have deep feelings for him. We were only together for a month, but like I said we moved fast and spent almost all of our free time together. I hardly ever fall for guys. In the last 5 years I've only had true feelings for one guy. But he and I had a chemistry that I've never experienced with anyone else and I saw the amazing side of him that was everything I wanted in a guy and I got too attached too quickly. But I know I can't be with him until/unless he grows up which won't be for a long time. I just want to know why he's suddenly talking to me again. Edited November 1, 2018 by hope18 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 1, 2018 Share Posted November 1, 2018 He is the only person who knows his true motives. Sounds like he grew up having certain values & standards instilled in him but now at college he's trying to break away, become his own person & be more lax. He's trying to figure out who he is. He doesn't know so he can't really clue you in. Be gracious to him but unless he outs his cards on the table and behaves like the man you want him to be, don't bother too much with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted November 1, 2018 Share Posted November 1, 2018 OK, I'm a bit confused. You broke up with him, you say, because he was immature and had serious communication problems. But then you report that your girl friends told him that you are still interested. Which is it?: He's too immature or you're still interested? His recent interest in you ... does not mean he is more mature and no longer has communication problems. So the question is: what are YOUR intentions and desires? Do you want to get back with this guy? What has changed for you such that you now want to get back with him? Yes, he's showing all signs of being interested in getting back together. He's showing high interest. But if he's too immature, so what?! You don't date an immature person just because they're interested in us--unless you want a lot of drama. BTW: you don't ever have to ask what someone's "intentions" are ... Instead, figure out how comfortable you are with them ... and if they're friendly, you be friendly (matching their level making sure to stay with what feels right) ... if they are still more friendly, then you get more friendly (again matching their level)... So dating is gradual and incremental ... No need to dive off the top of the mountain ... You can see gradually if you like him. Example: say he's NOT interested ... well if you're a bit friendly to him, that doesn't commit you to showing all your feelings first. You reciprocate at his level of interest and no further for now. Bottom line: you can be friendlier towards him hang out with him a bit more, and that doesn't mean you're back in a full relationship with him ... You can test him out! ... And I'd advise you not to have sex with him again until you are more clear on your feelings. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author hope18 Posted November 2, 2018 Author Share Posted November 2, 2018 He is the only person who knows his true motives. Sounds like he grew up having certain values & standards instilled in him but now at college he's trying to break away, become his own person & be more lax. He's trying to figure out who he is. He doesn't know so he can't really clue you in. Be gracious to him but unless he outs his cards on the table and behaves like the man you want him to be, don't bother too much with him. I agree with this. I don't want to cut him off because I do genuinely enjoy his company, we are very similar in interests, sense of humor, values and personality. It's just that I don't know how to manage my feelings if he truly does only want to be friends. But then it's complicated because even if he did want more I can't be with him until he matures. I just want to keep the door open and stay on good terms but I also want to know what's going through his head. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hope18 Posted November 2, 2018 Author Share Posted November 2, 2018 OK, I'm a bit confused. You broke up with him, you say, because he was immature and had serious communication problems. But then you report that your girl friends told him that you are still interested. Which is it?: He's too immature or you're still interested? His recent interest in you ... does not mean he is more mature and no longer has communication problems. So the question is: what are YOUR intentions and desires? Do you want to get back with this guy? What has changed for you such that you now want to get back with him? Yes, he's showing all signs of being interested in getting back together. He's showing high interest. But if he's too immature, so what?! You don't date an immature person just because they're interested in us--unless you want a lot of drama. If I'm being honest I don't know what I want. Well I do... I want him and I want to be with him. But the thing is I know I can't. I have my own life to worry about being a full time student I can't deal with his level of immaturity. As friends sure, I can put up with it. But anything more than that it's too much. I really do have strong feelings for him, and I know I want to be more than friends. But I know that's not what's best right now. I just want to know what HIS intentions are and where his head is at. If he tells me he doesn't have feelings and just wants to be friends I feel like I could accept that and move forward. If he tells me he has feelings then I would have to process it and figure out how to handle the "friendship" from there and most likely distance myself. Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted November 2, 2018 Share Posted November 2, 2018 I think you have to assume he just wants to be friends or is hoping for a possible hook-up, unless he actually says to you he wants to get back together. There is no point you getting stuck on him for ages and missing out on other opportunities while he carries on 'maturing'. You don't owe him friendship or contact. He was the one who said he didn't feel the same about you. It could have just been a passing feeling, where he felt down and annoyed about what you said, but that has faded now. However, he needs to understand that he can't do that to you every time you respectfully ask him to behave better. I would not let him back into your life that easily! People often don't realise how attached they have become to someone until they lose them or have to spend time with others instead. Disagreeing, then coming to some mutual agreement and feeling reassured about the relationship is all part of its normal development. It doesn't sound as if he's experienced that before. Like you say, he is immature. I think you could end up getting hurt all over again if you accept him as a friend. You could potentially be keeping him company occasionally, having long chats, and then watching him go off with someone else. If you avoid contact, he has chance to miss you and think about what he really wants. Meeting every so often is likely to prolong any confusion either of you feel. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted November 2, 2018 Share Posted November 2, 2018 So you're conflicted or you're not being fully clear ... There are times, especially when we're younger, when we know we're heading towards what we can see will be a flawed and rocky relationship ... and sometimes we just go full speed ahead. Maybe you have to date this guy to feel burned and then you'll emotionally let him go. I don't get how you can be unclear about this guy's interest. In your original post, I thought you were gonna say he was following you around, and you think this is what a "friend" does ... no ... Is it possible you just want to hook up with this guy and have sex and fun ... without the full commitment? If so, just say that ... because right now you're really confusing ...' Lose the fear of whether he likes you ... that's middle school. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted November 2, 2018 Share Posted November 2, 2018 I think he just wants to make sure there are no hard feelings, and possibly keep you around as a hook-up if you're into it. Don't count on him for a relationship, though. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hope18 Posted November 3, 2018 Author Share Posted November 3, 2018 I think he just wants to make sure there are no hard feelings, and possibly keep you around as a hook-up if you're into it. Don't count on him for a relationship, though. An update for everyone: I ended up texting him yesterday and asked him to meet up so that we could talk. I told him that since his feelings were gone for me (as far as I had last heard) I couldn't be friends with him so soon. I told him I thought I was over it, but each time we talked lately I felt my feelings coming back more and more and it was hurting me. I was completely expecting him to say he's sorry and he doesn't have feelings he was just being friendly. But no.... to summarize his words, his response was "I do still have feelings, they never went away. I just messed up so badly that I thought there was no hope and I honestly thought your feelings were gone by now so I told myself and other people that mine were gone too. The first time I talked to you a few days ago I was fine, but as we talked more and more I started to miss you and the feelings I had been pushing back resurfaced but like I said I thought yours would be gone by now." He also said I was never just a hookup to him, he said "I genuinely cared so much about you and had feelings when I was with you but I have a hard time communicating that and being vulnerable with people and I'm so sorry if I ever made you feel like it was anything less than real to me." I was very, very surprised. He opened up to me more than he ever has and it was a very mature and productive conversation. We spent the next 2 hours talking and I was clear about everything that bothered me when we were together. He asked me if I wanted to try again, he said he misses me and he hasn't stopped thinking about us and he would be willing to work on everything that I told him was bothering me. He said he could see us together again but if I don't want to try then he understands and he'll back off until I'm ready to be friends. So I told him I need some time to think about it because the issues we had aren't things I see being fixed in the short 3 weeks we've been apart. He said to take all the time I need, so I guess I have some thinking to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hope18 Posted November 3, 2018 Author Share Posted November 3, 2018 So you're conflicted or you're not being fully clear ... There are times, especially when we're younger, when we know we're heading towards what we can see will be a flawed and rocky relationship ... and sometimes we just go full speed ahead. Maybe you have to date this guy to feel burned and then you'll emotionally let him go. I don't get how you can be unclear about this guy's interest. In your original post, I thought you were gonna say he was following you around, and you think this is what a "friend" does ... no ... Is it possible you just want to hook up with this guy and have sex and fun ... without the full commitment? If so, just say that ... because right now you're really confusing ...' Lose the fear of whether he likes you ... that's middle school. See above update on the situation. I definitely don't just want a hookup, I want to be with him but I don't know if that's the best idea while these issues are present. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted November 4, 2018 Share Posted November 4, 2018 Be careful, OP. In my experience, guys like this don't stick around long the second time either. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author hope18 Posted November 4, 2018 Author Share Posted November 4, 2018 Be careful, OP. In my experience, guys like this don't stick around long the second time either. yes I'm keeping my eyes open, if he's being genuine then I think he deserves a second chance. But if he falls back into how things were I will walk away despite my feelings because I know what I want/deserve in a relationship. I'm not eager to put a label on things with him right now, but I want to see where things go and if he meant everything he said. So far since our talk he has been putting in a lot more effort, but not pushing me to make any kind of quick decisions. So I guess only time will tell. Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted November 4, 2018 Share Posted November 4, 2018 If I'm being honest I don't know what I want. Well I do... I want him and I want to be with him. But the thing is I know I can't. I have my own life to worry about being a full time student I can't deal with his level of immaturity. As friends sure, I can put up with it. But anything more than that it's too much. I really do have strong feelings for him, and I know I want to be more than friends. But I know that's not what's best right now. I just want to know what HIS intentions are and where his head is at. If he tells me he doesn't have feelings and just wants to be friends I feel like I could accept that and move forward. If he tells me he has feelings then I would have to process it and figure out how to handle the "friendship" from there and most likely distance myself. I want him and I want to be with him. But the thing is I know I can't. I think you need to being more in your own head. And, you need to really think about whether it's really "him" you want to be with. It sounds to me you have feelings for the guy you "wish" he would be and hope will "come out" if you give it more time. He's kind of already showed you who he is. And, staying friends with a dating prospect is usually about hoping things will change but the more a person tries to ride that out, it turns to resentment and feelings of rejection get amplified. I'd say just cut this off and look for a guy who demonstrates more of the qualities you want/need in a dating partner and is more clear about his intentions. He's immature. Do you want a man/relationship you need to "raise" to maturity and to meet your needs? Send him home to his parents and let them finish the job they started Link to post Share on other sites
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