trying to put it behind us

[beverly]

i worked last night so when i got home it was nice to go to bed for a while, but the good news is that hubby decided to stay over slept on the settee, 2nd night it was good because he was here for daughters birthday and hopefilly this means he is feeling more comfortable here ,fri night we had big tyalk about wat had happend between us and hubby feels like he is to blame for all our problems , but like i told him there was three ppl in our marriage we all had a part to play in the eventual break up him because he was fed things by her to make us fall out and he thought the grass was greener on the other side of fence , me for not noticing how unhaooy he was becoming and also was being fed things to make us fall out and mostly her the so called friend who decided one day she would play us of against one another for her own amusement, and then when he was obsseed with her he left to try and see if there was a chance of a relationship with her ,we both had hard times coping with things he was trying to impress her and i had to sit back and try to hold my family togeather , but a few weeks ago i hit rock bootom and tried to kill myself, which at the time he didnt understand, untill he was no longer needed by her and she therw him away like a piece of garbage he felt loke he had lost everything and took a load of pills which was nearly fatel,

i spent all my spare time at the hosp untill he was alowed home and since then we spent everyday togeather as we have no interfiarence from anybody we are getting on really well and are looking to getting back togeather but this is going to take time, our wedding aniversary is 16th of nov so got a few weeks to then hope he will be able to let go of recent events so that he will be comfortable once again with family to be able to move back in properly ,

 

i allready forgave him for everything that happend but we still got to sort out our diferances that made him unhappy in the first place so here goes fingers crossed .

[beverly]

today is sons birthday again i had to work last night ,husband stayed again so someone was here for sons birthday, when i got home had time for quick cuppa and shower before we both had to go docs for appointment , mine was good doc expects me to come of meds in next 2 mths but husband was signed of on the sick for another 3wks ,

 

which made him feel low but he came back had a coffee and stayed for the day , i did manage to get a couple of hrs kip and he watched tv , by the time he went up his mums for t he had cheered up , i dont know wat he has told the doctor but i mentioned we werwe looking to getting back togeather again,

 

yeasterday before i went to work we had a discussion about his feelings for female he said wat ever he felt she killed of , i then mentioned wat feelings he had for me at the moment his reply was when he can like him self he then can like other ppl and i would be top of his list,

 

so far things are going well fingers still crossed but he is looking to going away for a few days and i hope it will do him good and us and not make him pull away from me .

[beverly]

spent the end of yesterday on a downer husband hasnt done any thing wrong ,

while cooking t my son decided to take his birthday money to the chippy and buy his friends some food,

wats wrong with this i here you ask he is a boy of 14 who has adhd which makes him unpredictable and easily led,

 

on top of this as the situation with money is at the moment i went short so i could put money in his card and he wasted in the chippy,

 

husband wasnt here at the time and i couldnt get hold of him so got his sister to send son home and left mess for husband who came down and hour later but by then i was really low and cant pull myself out of it,

 

this morning i keep crying and thinking wat is happening to me were am i going c ouldnt talk to husband about this as he is was on low yesterday after docs and at moment he isnt ready to move back in .

 

this afternoon realised that husband has an appointment with work doctor and nurse , so my low feelings are not anything other than a blip ,

 

which he would just move back in . and all this was behind us .

[beverly]

cant see him moving back in for some time yet any excuse and it seems he is running away,

 

why i am so desperate for him to move back in and work out our problems openly, maybe then it will all seem real sometimes i wonder if im being used for the copmany untill something better comes along but all i get is he hurt me bad and doesnt want to hurt me again,

 

but sometimes this doesnt feel real and maybe im just dreaming, he does stay here but doesnt want to stay in our bed all night just incase it upsets the children but wouldnt they be happier if things were normal,

 

at the moment they only see us talking watching tv no touching when anybody is around , i wonder if they seen us getting back togeather would settle them down a bit .

 

again no rule book out there to play this by ear is quite hard i only know wat he is telling me, i hope he isnt just telling me things so as not to upset me as being afraid of this happening is quite terifying.

 

i know we shouldnt rush these things but if im feeling insecure after the last six mths who would blame me.

[beverly]

still dont know were we are going but things are still good ,

 

he mentions things every now and then in referance to us and other times sounds like there wont be any inprovment looking towards our aniversery and halloween and christmas is on the way i would like to be a priper family by then ,

 

we normally would of thrown a party at halloween but im not even interested in that this year ,how can we celebrate our 14th wedding aniversery this year as we been seperated by then for nearly 6mths and how can we do any thing because nobody knows we are sorting things out ,

 

christmas is going to be hard money going to be tight and hubby wants to buy children presants from him so mine will be from just me this year and that doesnt say a lot to me what does it say to the children,

 

wat is stopping him just moving back in , is it the neighbour or is he afraid that he putting himself in a situation that he cant get out of if it dont work out, the children would rather he was here than any were ,