SadSis Posted November 2, 2018 Share Posted November 2, 2018 My fiancee told me today he went for a tantric massage when he was out of town. I’m so heartbroken, I’m crying, sad and mad at the same time. I blame myself too as we rarely had sex the last three years or so due to some issues in our relationship. Still, we’ve been going to couples therapy and although we struggle a lot in our relationship (we’re both rather impulsive) I did not expect this to happen! He basically let some lady massage his genitals!. We talked a bit, he says he’s sorry but his needs are not met, it’s just a massage etc. He’s generally not fluent when it comes to emotions and did not say much. There’s no - it’s not about you, forgive me stuff. He says he loves me but gets mad when I cry saying it’s „agressive” and that I’m playing the victim. We’ve a 4 year old boy and I really really don’t want to lose this family. Fiancee quit the couples therapy just recently saying it’s not helping. I feel the issue was he wasn’t honest! Also he tends to reject all criticism even the smallest and constructive so it’s very difficult to talk in all honesty. He’ll shut off once he hears any criticism or crying (wants to be left in piece) I’m really lost here.. Link to post Share on other sites
Normm Posted November 2, 2018 Share Posted November 2, 2018 I'm not saying what he did was right but if he's not getting it from you he's going to get it somewhere and at least it's not an affair. Perhaps if you have him regular sex his attitude towards you might soften. Could be it's driven by resentment. Then again if you want sex and he's the one rejecting you, discard what I wrote above because it doesn't apply. There's not much in your single post to work with so I made some assumptions. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 2, 2018 Share Posted November 2, 2018 The question is - is going for a happy ending massage cheating to you? Basically, you are in a very unhappy, sexless relationship with a man who dismisses your feelings and refuses to communicate with you... because you have a four year old son and you don't want to lose this family. Does that sound like it is a good or healthy, long term decision for either you or your son? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 2, 2018 Share Posted November 2, 2018 we rarely had sex the last three years or so due to some issues in our relationship. Still, we’ve been going to couples therapy and although we struggle a lot in our relationship (we’re both rather impulsive) I did not expect this to happen! ... Fiancee quit the couples therapy just recently saying it’s not helping. I feel the issue was he wasn’t honest! Also he tends to reject all criticism even the smallest and constructive so it’s very difficult to talk in all honesty. He’ll shut off once he hears any criticism or crying (wants to be left in piece) Wow SadSis, what part of this makes you want to say "I do"? Hate to break it to you, but these are supposed to be the "good" years, when limerence brings the two of you closer together. Normally, it only gets tougher from here. Time to reset and rethink what you're doing... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SadSis Posted November 2, 2018 Author Share Posted November 2, 2018 He did not communicate his needs to me and I think I was passive too. It’s all because what happens during the day that makes me want to reject him in the night. I just feel he resents me sometimes, he has a strong conflict with his agressive mother and says I evoke the same feelings in him. We’re both in therapy for years but it does not seem to help us. Now that my fiancee has finally stopped being nice with his komandosa told her she was abusive I thtough maybe his attitude towards me will change. I just need him to listen and take my feelings seriously. It feels like he hates me sometimes although he says he loves me. Does that make any sense at all? Link to post Share on other sites
Author SadSis Posted November 2, 2018 Author Share Posted November 2, 2018 *komandosa =„ mother and”, sorry Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted November 2, 2018 Share Posted November 2, 2018 Hi Sadsis, heed what Mr. Lucky said. You should run for the hills. If you marry this guy you are going to condemn yourself to a conflict ridden unhappy marriage and you are going to wish you had never tied the knot. Break up with this guy since he has too much baggage and look for someone else. Best wishes. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 2, 2018 Share Posted November 2, 2018 Ask yourself the classic Ann Landers Q: Are you better off with him or without him? Assume a lifetime of him dismissing your feelings, getting this massages & bad sex life. What lessons will that teach your child about marriage & relationships? Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted November 2, 2018 Share Posted November 2, 2018 OP, if he paid the woman, it's prostitution...which is a really creepy, sad, and disgusting form of cheating. I would punt the ball on this one...unless you want miserable future with a constant risk of STD's. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 2, 2018 Share Posted November 2, 2018 (edited) This sounds like a guy who was trapped by a pregnancy. He doesn't want to be there but is putting up with it, as he sees he has no real choice. You should be still in the hearts and flowers, can't keep your hands off each other, phase. What you have is a sham of a relationship. Couples counselling? For years? - this is madness. At least, he now sees the futility of that. Meanwhile, he is going down the massage parlour and paying for happy endings... Engagement is designed to be the time when you look closely at the relationship and decide whether you can be with this person for life or not. This is a 3 year engagement... It works - great, it doesn't work - you walk away... Here there is little or no sex, he apparently hates you, and he is now paying for sex. These are not the actions of a man in love, are they?. This is not fixable. You do not have a "family". You have a guy who you are somehow "holding hostage", and for some reason he feels he needs to stay with you (duty, obligation, family pressure, love for his child...), but is hating every minute of it... He is miserable, you are miserable, and your child will grow up miserable too... Sometimes people are just not meant to be together. Edited November 2, 2018 by elaine567 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 2, 2018 Share Posted November 2, 2018 He has a strong conflict with his agressive mother and says I evoke the same feelings in him. We’re both in therapy for years but it does not seem to help. It feels like he hates me sometimes although he tells me that he loves me. Sadsis, relationships really shouldn’t be this hard. Clearly, there is something that is very wrong and very unhealthy in your relationship if he feels like you trigger the same feelings in him as his abusive mother and you feel like he hates you. That’s not love. You have been for counselling for years and it has not helped. Has he been for individual counselling to deal with his own issues related to his abusive mother? You really have to ask yourself, is this really what you want for you and your child, for the rest of your life... Because based on what you have described, I don’t see this getting any better for you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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