How to accept it's over?

[Insoc]

Just an update, I accepted it's over. My Wife is still living in LaLa land, is now talking to some guy she met on a dating site that is half her age, can you saw twisted? Apparently he doesn't care that she is old enough to be his mother and vice versa. It sickens me that she is doing this, but its' not my problem anymore. I told her I think you should move in with him, that way I won't have to pay support lol. Problem is the guy lives 150+ miles away in another city and i think he still lives with his Mother LMAO!

 

Going to feel good to be free of this negative energy. I wish her lot's of luck.

[vla1120]

Just an update, I accepted it's over. My Wife is still living in LaLa land, is now talking to some guy she met on a dating site that is half her age, can you saw twisted? Apparently he doesn't care that she is old enough to be his mother and vice versa. It sickens me that she is doing this, but its' not my problem anymore. I told her I think you should move in with him, that way I won't have to pay support lol. Problem is the guy lives 150+ miles away in another city and i think he still lives with his Mother LMAO!

 

Going to feel good to be free of this negative energy. I wish her lot's of luck.

 

So, she keeps you updated on her online escapades? That's "nice" of her. I truly hope this "half her age" guy is also scamming her. It would serve her right. Let's hope he lets her move into his place with mom and dad. That would be the icing on the cake (if he even is who he really says he is.) I honestly don't know how you do it and are still cordial to her. She'd be getting a serving of hellish sarcasm on a daily basis from me. I'd be spitting nails in her direction (but then, I'm known to be not so nice when I've been betrayed and back stabbed.)

[Marc878]

I am in SoCal too, so yes I know what you are saying. 10 years of marriage also means long term support, so I was told. This is a scary scenario for me.

 

It is hard for me, but I do see both sides of the situation, I don't know what her intentions are but I feel her heart isn't in it but mine is having a hard time letting go.

 

I know I can find someone else, but I need time to heal and get my life in order.

 

10yrs of marriage in cal brings up lifetime alimony.

 

A good friend of mine just went thru this nightmare. He got off with only 5 yrs of alimony. So you will need a good attorney unless she's willing to mediate. Which should be your preferred method. I'd try and sweet talk her into it.

 

His attorney fees were @ 50k !!!!!!

[Insoc]

So, she keeps you updated on her online escapades? That's "nice" of her. I truly hope this "half her age" guy is also scamming her. It would serve her right. Let's hope he lets her move into his place with mom and dad. That would be the icing on the cake (if he even is who he really says he is.) I honestly don't know how you do it and are still cordial to her. She'd be getting a serving of hellish sarcasm on a daily basis from me. I'd be spitting nails in her direction (but then, I'm known to be not so nice when I've been betrayed and back stabbed.)

 

Yes, first it was 1 to 2 months of the celebrity romance scammer, that ended around Halloween, she was crying and all upset, still bothered by it to this day, then Nov. 7 she created a profile on the dating site on Zoosk, was moaning saying only creepy guy's not her type were contacting her, a couple she reached out to that were "handsome" and had careers, never responded lol. So along came this 29 year guy, probably a virgin, who lives 150 miles away, he messaged her on the 7th, and they got into a conversation via the site's messaging feature, he then got her on mobile texting, where it continued, I read some of the texts, I have access to her phone she forgot I put my fingerprint on it for safety reasons if ever needed during an emergency, I didn't see anything bad, but then saw she was looking up porn of this person's ethnicity, and I won't go into detail, she searched "how are they in bed" and other stuff, sexual. I questioned her about it and she said "I look at all types of stuff" it's my business. I said why are you leading the poor guy on, then I thought she wasn't she was serious.

 

Well I knew she was lying and saw where this was going, she had an ego boost that a guy half her age was coming on strong to her, sexually she was a "Cougar" and was well ready for action. I saw her carrrying her phone around more the past few days, even starting to take it into the bathroom, I think she suspected i would see what was going on.

 

Today I came home early, she was upstairs and left her phone in the kitchen, because she thought it was safe. Well I unlocked it and viewed the texts, made me sick what I read, full blown cybersex happened in the last 24 hours, because prior it wasn't like that with this guy with some pics, but no nudity. So I confronted her about it and said every word in the dictionary on her type of person, slut, you name it. I said that I hate her and she is a lying POS. She was pissed that i had access but she was dumb to forget I could and never deleted my fingerprint from the settings lol.

 

Reason I did this is because she was being fake with me, acting nice and calling me honey and sweetie still, even gave me some "friend hugs", was running her fingers through my hair and patting my back. I knew she was being insincere, she wanted to play me for as long as she could and do this crap behind my back. Then after me yelling at her and her acting defiant and that she did nothing wrong and that was she did was not a big deal, she got in her car to leave and I spit on her windshield when she was backing out, said your one sick mofo! She was calling me sick, but I said "you are a liar" you act all nice to me then you are doing this crap in front of me on your phone (literally, I was walking around the house and she was sitting their texting). The point is, it goes against her character, seems that was tossed out the window. She also is a germaphobe, and what she was talking about doing with the guy, whether it would ever happen or not, was something she never did with me, won't go into detail.

 

The guy she was talking to seemed to have initated it, I mean we are getting a divorce and I shouldn't care, I know but she only met the guy online 10-11 days ago, talked to him on the phone once if that, it's all been text. She should be more mature and not act like a child, but she has mental problems and I do not care about her anymore.

 

I'm moving out next month, she can stay in the house that's rented and in both our names till the lease ends in March, then she will have to figure out WTH she is going to do, I told her you screwed yourself even more because I was willing to be your friend and help you get on your way, now all I will do is provide support.

 

I took pictures of the texts and she knew it, because I was reading out loud what she and this guy were saying, it didn't surprise me because I know she was lying.

 

So to end this, I will be ignoring her and not talking, while in the same house. She just came home a little while ago, I tore up a card she gave me for my bday a last month around the time the first incident happened, saying "I want you to be happy" and ended in "Love", yept tore it up and tossed it on her bed.

 

I even called the guy, because I found is phone number, he didn't answer so I left a message, said I not mad at you or pissed, but told him in the message what a wonderful Wife she is, she doesn't want to work or get a job, then went into the sexual things they were discussing being really facetious about it all. I know he told her and I could care less.

 

I also sent her a couple of texts, she never responded, said you disgust me and I'll never forgive you for this. She just sealed her own fate, it kinda makes me feel good because I have even more reason to move on faster now.

[Insoc]

10yrs of marriage in cal brings up lifetime alimony.

 

A good friend of mine just went thru this nightmare. He got off with only 5 yrs of alimony. So you will need a good attorney unless she's willing to mediate. Which should be your preferred method. I'd try and sweet talk her into it.

 

His attorney fees were @ 50k !!!!!!

 

My lawyer said 5 years, but if she co-habitates with this guy, she won't get much, that is moves in with him, which I suspect may happen since she doesnt' have a pot to pee in little alone what she will get (her cut) won't pay for a 1 bedroom here and all other expenses. I told her to go rent a room (what I'm doing) and she said no way, so I'm like oh okay, then do what you want, she dug the hole even deeper now, when she could have just kept her legs crossed till our divorce was final then went on this cybersex rampage.

 

My fees so far are around $3K.

[Insoc]

Forgot to add:

 

It's probably the worse situation I can think of, I read up on how to deal with thoughts of your wife with another man, but this doesn't register, way too soon and half her age, it's like a major insult after insult but I know her life won't be so great after we are split for good, the guy doesn't appear to be rich so how he will take care of her and picturing her moving to this area of CA when she won't even drive the 5 by herself lol, is far fetched.

 

I'm dealing with it by talking to some local women I met who I'm friendly with but not talking sex or anything sexual, like her she stooped to a all time low and I don't know how she can live with it? It's hard for me to get it out of my mind, meeting someone new soon is my only recourse whether I'm ready for it or not.

 

Sitting around by myself, will only worsen the thoughts, it's amazing how you think you know someone when you don't. Now I know why I came across many people who are still single or never got involved with someone again, the level of hurt people do to eachother, people that once loved eachother and shared memories is terrible, especially when one is doing to the other who didn't do anything but maybe not meet 100% of what the person wanted, hurting someone deeper by doing things like this and trying to get revenge or jealousy (the fact she pursuing a guy half her age and talking sex already after 11 days) seems like a fact in that respect.

 

The level of care and ZERO, there is no feeling of guilt or wrongdoing, I could never do that, but that's just me. Proof we were never compatible and it was all just one big lie.

[PegNosePete]

My lawyer said 5 years, but if she co-habitates with this guy, she won't get much, that is moves in with him

Then you should be doing everything you can, to encourage her to do exactly that.

[Insoc]

Then you should be doing everything you can, to encourage her to do exactly that.

 

I'm trying I suggested it prior to yesterday's incident we are no longer on speaking terms. She made it sound prior like she cannot move in with because she doesn't know him but they are already engaging in steamy sexting after 11 days of meeting online, so I think she is ready. I even called the guy (my stupid ex had the PC remember who user name and password on the computer, I logged in her account and saw his phone number. The guy, in his late 20's, didn't answer so I left a nice message, not yelling at him just saying it's all good, hope you can pleasure her lol, then went deep into the things they were talking about, left it as saying "I hope you can take her in soon, she doesn't have a job, no money and does not want to work, also that she is high maitenance and also will lose her health insurance coverage after the divorce is final. She likes to eat out often and doesn't cook or do anything around the house. When you are at work, she will be on your computer planning her next victim, may take a few years but that's her style.

 

I also said she will soon hit menopause, this guy is obviously clueless on woman, some woman do lose sex drive during menopause, I don't know the stats but I think she was pre-menopausal the past 5 years, because she wasn't interested in Sex period, but now she seems to be on the rebound, call it an ego boost with this guy half her age, old enough to be our son lol, but ended saying it may not last and that he should think about what he is getting involved with her and that she is coming from a long term relationship and marriage.

 

I'll be surprised if my wife doesn't bring along drama, maybe she won't but she was a wreck for a few years when I first met her, delayed our marriage because I wasn't sure she was going to let go of her ex, but it took a few years.

 

I told my Wife in a text, "I hope the Sex is worth it"...I spoke with my Lawyer today too on everything that transpired, a letter will soon be arriving dictating the terms prior to our Divorce is final. Don't think my soon to be ex will be happy with it. I could care less, I'm laughing around her and talking to another woman and sounded happy, I read the best revenge is to show no care and be happy, I think its' working. I just wished I had this attitude the day this all started, I regret showing care or trying to win her back now. Should have left the Romance Scammer take her to the cleaners in retrospect.

 

After further research, I now she she has traits of a Narcissist and Sociopath all in one, I actually was fooled for all these years in not seeing this, my bad.

Edited November 19, 2018 by Insoc

[Normm]

Not seeing how telling the other guy all the negative things about your wife will make it more likely that she'll cohabitate with him, thus saving you maintenance payments.

[vla1120]

Well, he probably won't take her in, now. The good news (for you) is that she seems to know how to prey on men and will probably find a new one to take his place if he doesn't work out as far as taking care of her. Meanwhile, keep up the no contact. Leave the house as soon as you are possible and don't look back.

 

By no contact, I mean no texting, no more calling her names, etc. She could also screenshot your insults and claim they are a form of emotional abuse. I know from experience because that is how my husband texted me for awhile after I left him. His threats and insults were unfounded, which made them even worse (he mentioned shooting me), but still, even if everything you said about her is true, if it is perceived as abusive, you don't need anything like that being used against you in the future. I was offered a PFA because of what he texted me. Be careful what you put in writing, from now on.

[PegNosePete]

Not seeing how telling the other guy all the negative things about your wife will make it more likely that she'll cohabitate with him, thus saving you maintenance payments.

Agree. Why did you do that OP? Telling him how bad she is, you're trying to split them up, trying to make him dump her, trying to make him NOT take her in?

 

This is exactly the opposite of what you should be doing!

 

You've probably made them both think about things a bit more practically now. Rather than following their hearts they will think about the finances, maybe consult a lawyer, and delay moving in until after alimony is set.

 

Why do you keep shooting yourself in the foot OP??

[Insoc]

Not seeing how telling the other guy all the negative things about your wife will make it more likely that she'll cohabitate with him, thus saving you maintenance payments.

 

Not sure yet, but I suspect it's business as usual, they are both in heat for each other, so I suspect it will progress. The thought of it makes me cringe, but I read it happens a lot, even if it goes against what you thought someone believed which is the case with my wife. He seems very desparate and so is she, they are made for eachother.

[Insoc]

Well, he probably won't take her in, now. The good news (for you) is that she seems to know how to prey on men and will probably find a new one to take his place if he doesn't work out as far as taking care of her. Meanwhile, keep up the no contact. Leave the house as soon as you are possible and don't look back.

 

By no contact, I mean no texting, no more calling her names, etc. She could also screenshot your insults and claim they are a form of emotional abuse. I know from experience because that is how my husband texted me for awhile after I left him. His threats and insults were unfounded, which made them even worse (he mentioned shooting me), but still, even if everything you said about her is true, if it is perceived as abusive, you don't need anything like that being used against you in the future. I was offered a PFA because of what he texted me. Be careful what you put in writing, from now on.

 

I don't think they cut off ties yet, I came home last night and she was in her bedroom with the light on and door closed, came out an hour later, she usually goes in there to do her thing with him sexting thing, if you know what I mean, probably by now has evolved into live video feeds and instant pics, who knows?

 

Nope, we have not spoken in days, I totally ignore her, she totally ignores me, I handed her a letter with my date of leaving, my Attorney is sending over a letter as well.

 

I never said anything threating to her, but I see your point. IF she tries to take legal action against me, I will utilize my Attorney to fight it, as the emotional abuse and stress on me was great, I may take the liberty myself. I don't get why it's always one sided, it's not like I deprived her of anything, I have been more than flexible, lying and manipulation wasn't part of the agreement.

[Insoc]

Agree. Why did you do that OP? Telling him how bad she is, you're trying to split them up, trying to make him dump her, trying to make him NOT take her in?

 

This is exactly the opposite of what you should be doing!

 

You've probably made them both think about things a bit more practically now. Rather than following their hearts they will think about the finances, maybe consult a lawyer, and delay moving in until after alimony is set.

 

Why do you keep shooting yourself in the foot OP??

 

I don't think it had any effect, probably made their bond stronger, I know they are still chatting because she is on her phone still.

 

I'm done shooting myself in the foot, I felt I needed retribution for what was being done to me, I have had no justice since this all started, nothing. I saved her from a scammer the 1st time and didn't even get a thank you or apology for the stress, or for the reason it initated the divorce. I flat out told my wife, why didn't you just come to me like and adult and say I cannot do this anymore I want a divorce, would have saved me a lot of stress.

[Marc878]

You can't block every man in the world. Why would you want that job anyway.

 

The only one keeping you in this mess is yourself.

 

You want a life? Go your own way.

[David33]

Little bit of clarification. 10+ years married in CA does not necessarily mean lifetime alimony. It can mean alimony without an end date. There's a difference. As yours or her financial situation changes, either of you can file papers with the court to alter or end alimony. Such as her getting an inheritance, big bonus at work or winning the lottery. Your situation could change by a justified drop in salary, sh*tty job market or retirement. There are automatic ends to alimony like her getting married.

 

If you get to a default divorce (she doesn't file a response), it's whatever you say it is. I recommend $0 in alimony. If you go uncontested, you'll have an MSA so my suggestion is write in an ending scenario 1/2 the marriage length.

 

If it goes contested, you're both screwed. All your cash will go bye-bye to lawyers and it will be nightmare for many years as filing after filing occurs.

 

Also, just because she's living with someone does not necessarily mean lower alimony. She could still claim the full costs of living. And remember, alimony is based on the standard of living she enjoyed prior to the divorce. GL

Edited January 2, 2019 by David33