How to accept it's over?

[David33]

I'm also the one who initiated a divorce with my wife. It hurt like hell and what helped me was focusing on the things I can control and envisioned a worse future (emotionally, financially, physically, everything) if we stayed married. Here's some of my process. I hope it helps.

 

- I grieved at what I was losing like appreciating our past (nobody from here forward is ever going to want to hear me a talk about my ex-wife) and the future that will never be.

 

- I stopped focusing on what I was losing and focused on what I was gaining including a financial future that, thanks California, will benefit us both. I told myself that although I still love her I could never get us to where we both need to be if we're married. One feeling I had to deal with was guilt for wanting to feel good and she wasn't. What got me through that is a belief that I have to feel good to do what I need to do, that being, by far, the primary earner. If I stop feeling good, my income will suffer and both of us will be in trouble.

 

- I accepted that I cannot make someone feel good about themselves. When someone has psychological challenges, no amount of love, words or actions can fix them. They have to want it. For some, it's just too overwhelming and they stop trying.

 

- Now, as for blaming myself I do take responsibility for many things. Main reason is back to what I can control. I can accept responsibility because:

 

(1) I could have done things differently (I control my thoughts and actions) and,

 

(2) I can forgive myself and move on. For me, that's empowering. It reminds me that my life purpose isn't set in stone and with a thought and a lot of action, changing my habits and what I focus on...I can change it.

 

The moment a nostalgic thought pops into my head I go through a mental ritual and it's gone very quickly.

 

Cheers

[Insoc]

I’m sorry you’re going thru this. I didn’t realize this online love scam was a thing until someone else posted about it the other day. Actually, today I just heard a commercial about it on the radio as well. It’s terrible that’s shes heartbroken over this fantasy person that didn’t exist and could careless about how you feel. Easier said than done, but move on. You and your feelings don’t seem to matter.

 

How do you accept someone doesn’t love you like you thought they did?..... you just realize you’re better than the lies and betrayal. It has take me a month and some change to get to the point I’m at now. I’m angry about things my wife has done. You eventually pull yourself up from the crying and devastation and realize someone you thought you knew could actually do you that way. The pain still exists but it’s sooo much more bearable. You’ll get to that point eventually. You’ll be on a roller coaster of emotions but just Know, you deserve better.

 

Wish her the best, don’t be mean or vindictive and just move on.

 

 

Thanks, it is very painful for me and I have to go to work and sit there all day while she is at home (she is a housewife and doesn' work), not knowing what she is continuing to do behind my back and her sheepy nature as of late. I don't think she will be moving out soon, I know she is still looking for someone to latch onto because she realizes she cannot afford it on her own even with my support it won't help, but she also has to deal with joint debt among others things. She is trying to get a job, but I don't see her working too hard trying to find one.

 

I think I can get over it once she is gone or if I move out, but it's placing me between a rock and a hardplace right now due to housing issues and what rents cost in our area. It really is on my mind day in and out, I don't trust her anymore, I feel like she is just using me and taking advantage of the situation, she knows I don't want this, so she is playing me and doing her dirty deeds behind my back. The thing with the scammer is over, but she is still upset about it and talks about it daily.

 

I want to wish her the best, but after the way she is acting very immature about this and shady, it makes it hard for me to move on and just keep playing along. There is a lot of unanswered questions and her lack of care or empathy is really making me sick.

[Insoc]

I'm also the one who initiated a divorce with my wife. It hurt like hell and what helped me was focusing on the things I can control and envisioned a worse future (emotionally, financially, physically, everything) if we stayed married. Here's some of my process. I hope it helps.

 

- I grieved at what I was losing like appreciating our past (nobody from here forward is ever going to want to hear me a talk about my ex-wife) and the future that will never be.

 

- I stopped focusing on what I was losing and focused on what I was gaining including a financial future that, thanks California, will benefit us both. I told myself that although I still love her I could never get us to where we both need to be if we're married. One feeling I had to deal with was guilt for wanting to feel good and she wasn't. What got me through that is a belief that I have to feel good to do what I need to do, that being, by far, the primary earner. If I stop feeling good, my income will suffer and both of us will be in trouble.

 

- I accepted that I cannot make someone feel good about themselves. When someone has psychological challenges, no amount of love, words or actions can fix them. They have to want it. For some, it's just too overwhelming and they stop trying.

 

- Now, as for blaming myself I do take responsibility for many things. Main reason is back to what I can control. I can accept responsibility because:

 

(1) I could have done things differently (I control my thoughts and actions) and,

 

(2) I can forgive myself and move on. For me, that's empowering. It reminds me that my life purpose isn't set in stone and with a thought and a lot of action, changing my habits and what I focus on...I can change it.

 

The moment a nostalgic thought pops into my head I go through a mental ritual and it's gone very quickly.

 

Cheers

 

I kinda wish it was me that was doing this to her, because I would likely feel better than I feel now, my feelings are up and down throughout the day, what makes it hard is her shady and sneaky nature, doing stuff behind my back still and being nice to me, it seems fake and I'm just being used or played till she can get out.

 

Our situation is not good ,she is a stay at home housewife, so moving out is not going to happen overnight and rents are high here. She is not even really down to earth on the reality and doesn't seem to care.

 

I think what makes it hard is how she acts, I look into her eyes and the soul I knew is gone, she doesn't care anymore and I wish I could be the same way.

[vla1120]

You mention the fact that this was only an "online affair." If she could have met this "dream guy" in person, she would have. Remember that when you start to feel hurt that she keeps talking about her disappointment that she was dumb enough to fall for this online scam and how hurt she is feeling. Huh? She's really talking to YOU about how disappointed she is about this scam? That would make me want to throw all her belongings in the front yard and kick her to the curb. Her total lack of empathy for you is maddening!

 

Now, you've pretty much admitted that she's probably just staying with you (sitting on her a$$ at home while you support her) until she finds someone else to latch onto. Nah man. Let her look for that next "opportunity" from the street. This is not what you signed up for when you took your vows.

 

I'm speaking as someone living my own self-made hell right now because I feel obligated to take care of someone out of guilt. If your wife is able-bodied, does not have stage IV cancer, isn't all alone in the world, thereby needing a caretaker, set that woman free and don't look back! That'll pretty much be my advice from here on out to anyone who feels "stuck" in a situation.

[Oberfeldwebel]

Doesn't matter if you accepted it or not she is all but gone. She is trying to garner sympathy from you, even though she is the one at fault here. Personally, I wouldn't have much sympathy. What you do need to do is gain more confidence in you and realize that you are a person of value and worthy to be loved.

 

Chuck her if she wants an online fantasy instead of a real person who has been there all along. The best way to get over this is to resolve the legal issues and go on to find someone that appreciates you.

[Marc878]

I must say I am having waves of emotion hitting me over my looming divorce, 10 years of marriage all the memories and times we spent together, places and things we did not ever had the chance to do more and so on.

 

It doesn't matter that much to her

 

I am not the one who wanted this, though my wife got wrapped up in an online scam as I statted, she woke up from her senses before too much damage was done and got out of it. Now though she has been talking about how hurt she is and how this person hurt her, I saw tears flowing and there is anger of her being embarrassed however there is no emotion or empathy for me which really hits me hard. It seems any tears me are long gone. Yet I still feel there is hope we will get back together why I think that way from a 3rd person reading or knowing my story looks twisted I know.

 

Living on hopium? Why? This is who she is. Better wake up

 

I know I am a fool and feel like I am being taken advantage of, but being I wasn't the one who cheated if you want to call it that though no contact was made online fantasia more like it or did this , it is much harder for me to accept, drop it and move on with my life.

 

[bIf you don't stay no contact you will linger and wallow in this longer than necessary[/b]

 

I tried to talk to my wife and she does talk to me like it use to be, not sure if it is just an act to keep me cool till it's time for her to leave or finds romance someplace else to allow her to move out sooner. Money is too tight for us both to get out under the same roof which is making things hard. I feel like the same emotion I feel is devoid in her, maybe I hae to accept she lost that feeling a while ago and her mind is made up? She was married before and divorced so maybe that is why? Veteran, not a noob like me.

 

Don't make the mistake of projecting your feelings onto her. She's already discarded you

 

How do you accept the other person does not love you like they thought they did for years with a flip of the switch? How can i move on and let her go? Part of me is very mad at her but another part blames myself for where we are. It just seems the person I knew is no longer in there, I have a very hard time accepting it. I will have days where I am so pissed at her I want to be free and other days I feel like I will miss her company and being with her.

 

Bud she never was who you thought she was. You conjured that up all on your own

I thought it was harder on the person wanting to divorce than the person receiving it, though ymmv I would feel really bad and guilty if I was doing this to her, talking about how hurt I am that this scam artist lead me on and how I fell in love with them, yet not mention the pain, sadness and misery I caused my partner of 10 years. That lack of empathy and emotional detachment is hard to deal with. I also did figure that in after reading, "emotional detachment". Never thought it would come to this, she never acted like this or gave me any warning.

 

It's all about her and you don't matter. Probably the same with her first husband.

 

You just never saw or even wanted yo see it

[Insoc]

You mention the fact that this was only an "online affair." If she could have met this "dream guy" in person, she would have. Remember that when you start to feel hurt that she keeps talking about her disappointment that she was dumb enough to fall for this online scam and how hurt she is feeling. Huh? She's really talking to YOU about how disappointed she is about this scam? That would make me want to throw all her belongings in the front yard and kick her to the curb. Her total lack of empathy for you is maddening!

 

Now, you've pretty much admitted that she's probably just staying with you (sitting on her a$$ at home while you support her) until she finds someone else to latch onto. Nah man. Let her look for that next "opportunity" from the street. This is not what you signed up for when you took your vows.

 

I'm speaking as someone living my own self-made hell right now because I feel obligated to take care of someone out of guilt. If your wife is able-bodied, does not have stage IV cancer, isn't all alone in the world, thereby needing a caretaker, set that woman free and don't look back! That'll pretty much be my advice from here on out to anyone who feels "stuck" in a situation.

 

Yes I know, that was her plans she thought in her head that this Celebrity Imposter was the real deal and that he would have swopped her off of her feet and took in her and gave her the life I never could have. It all became apparent she flipped a switch on me, like what happens in my relationships when there either is minimal issues or lot's of issues, one spouse will see it as an upgrade and an escape from what they have now. That alone should show the measure of someone's character and trust.

 

Yes, she is talking to me about it, there is no tears for the years we have been together it's just like she flipped a switch. She was married before , so maybe she is conditioned to do this, problem is she is a housewife and has not had a steady job in 5+ years. Getting out will mean finding someone else to latch onto and support her, I know she is trying to do this, but I have not seen anything successful yet. Since I know this, she is being shady around me and deceitful. I cannot trust her anymore but I still have to live with her till the time is right. She also is not thinking in reality on how much support she will get and how she will be able to swing it alone, reason she needs someone to support her.

 

Sorry to hear about your situation, that is terrible. No, my Wife is abled bodied but she doesn't live in reality and thinks larger than is possible, larger meaning nice things, nice place to live and etc., none of which will be the same after we split unless she finds a many who will give her equal or more, if that is what she wants then it's not the person I married.

[Insoc]

It's all about her and you don't matter. Probably the same with her first husband.

 

You just never saw or even wanted yo see it

 

Yes at this point, I thought maybe she wants the attention, wants me to show it to her because our marriage had some bumps in the road. At first I tried to talk to her and make her think, but it appears her mind is already made up.

 

She is looking for a way out, as long as she can take advantage of me and have it good till then, she will play it that way.

[David33]

I kinda wish it was me that was doing this to her, because I would likely feel better than I feel now, my feelings are up and down throughout the day, what makes it hard is her shady and sneaky nature, doing stuff behind my back still and being nice to me, it seems fake and I'm just being used or played till she can get out.

 

Our situation is not good ,she is a stay at home housewife, so moving out is not going to happen overnight and rents are high here. She is not even really down to earth on the reality and doesn't seem to care.

 

I think what makes it hard is how she acts, I look into her eyes and the soul I knew is gone, she doesn't care anymore and I wish I could be the same way.

 

I remember not understanding why my partner felt no empathy, compassion or guilt. I would ask unanswerable questions. It really drove me nuts and for a time, made me not want to try to be happy. Weird.

 

Not sure you've felt this way but it was like our relationship was defined not by the strongest of us, but the weakest. That is a debilitating dynamic and it destroys lives.

 

What helped me was to come up with answers to those questions that helped me move forward. I didn't try to be right, I just tried to empower myself so I could do more than just survive. It took a long time to take hold but once it did, I was able to rise above the dread and be happy again.

[Insoc]

I remember not understanding why my partner felt no empathy, compassion or guilt. I would ask unanswerable questions. It really drove me nuts and for a time, made me not want to try to be happy. Weird.

 

Not sure you've felt this way but it was like our relationship was defined not by the strongest of us, but the weakest. That is a debilitating dynamic and it destroys lives.

 

What helped me was to come up with answers to those questions that helped me move forward. I didn't try to be right, I just tried to empower myself so I could do more than just survive. It took a long time to take hold but once it did, I was able to rise above the dread and be happy again.

 

Yes, I felt exactly like you felt, it just seems my Wife cracked and made the decision she wants out of our marriage. I never got a true answer on why yet, she has said some things to me on why when pressured, but the incident with the romance scammer has overshadowed everything to do with us and after what I have done for her and what we have been through together, it's probably the worst experience in my life, above Death of loved ones (hate to admit it) but as time moves forward the misery grows.

 

She is also needy, cannot just move out and be single, she is looking for a man already, because she cannot survive on her own being a housewife, where we live is very expensive and housing isn't cheap. She doesn't realize her issues (which she fails to recognize) will follow her to the next man. She is looking for instant gratification and support. When she left her 1st husband, she had a job and could be independent.

 

I'm way too humble with her, I still think there is a chance when I fail to realize there isn't. As the days move forward, I know it will become less of feeling and more of a reason to get out. Our state has a very long divorce process, we are seprated now, but living under the same roof in different rooms. That makes it hard to start the healing process. Her ways, attitude and things she has done/doing are enraging me, I never got a "sorry" or anything to give me closure. I now see she created a profile on a online dating site, I found it looking myself just out of curiosity, seeing all the Divorced Woman, personally I'm not looking for love so soon, I'm going to remain single for a year or longer.

 

She said to me last week or so, "I cannot flip a switch" but that's anything but the true on 10 years of marriage. My mistake is thinking I knew her, when I probably never did. She also say's a lot of hurtful subliminal comments about me, when I am still telling her nice things about the times we had and how she looks and her appearance.

 

I'm one of those "cannot let go types", because I'm on the receiving end, but I bent for her more than most Men would have, tolerated a lot of negativity and things missing in a typical relationship. She just doesn't get it, never will and will wash her hands of me at some point. Personally I feel like I wasted my time with her at the end, I invested way too much money when she didn't want to work, I look back and wonder if I found someone better, how much better off I would now, emotionally and financially.

[Insoc]

I just found out my Wife created a profile at one of the popular dating sites, we are legally separated for less than a few weeks currently but our state has a very long waiting period before divorce is final, could b 6 months +. I told her prior that she should be single before rushing into romance, but I think she is looking for someone to take her in and support her, since she is jobless and has no money but will incur debt and will have to get a job doing anything because our state is community property.

 

I found out about it, because I created one (anonymous) as well and saw her profile when searching woman of my age. I am not looking to jump into a relationship yet, I have been trying to get a grasp on life not being over, though it feels like it is in the pit of my stomach. Seeing all the divorced people on these sites is humbling all around our age too if not younger.

 

What concerns me more than anything is her fragile vulnerble state, she was entangled in the web of an online fake Celebrity Romance Scammer for a few months that she was contacted by via Instagram, this initated our Divorce when I found out about it, not that it was all the reason, we have had issues and we are both to blame. However, it's not too hard to read there are a lot of Scammers on these dating sites, though she may meet someone local, our age is 50+ I don't think it's that easy.

 

I have not received my response or empathy over the past few weeks, we have been married for 10 years there has been some fighing due to her poor choice in falling for this Scammer that angered me, I also was mad because of how she was acting and what she was doing when I was at work. Yet I felt I was partly to blame. I started thinking, maybe this is her way of getting attention, so I started showing more to her, but I feel it's an uphill battle.

 

I asked for a Second Chance, but I have mixed emotions about it, I am a fool for love I guess? Our marriage wasn't horrible and I don't feel her reasons are valid as I put up with and tolerated a lot and have been 100% loyal and supportive.

 

Should I just give up or take it slow, not that I trust her and counseling would be required to make it work. I don't know if she is going to go for it, but seeing she created this profile makes me think no matter how she acts or what she say's, she is just putting on an act to keep things peachy around the house, nice warm bed, food and all the fixings till she hooks up with someone else and can say adios I don't need you anymore. Which actually has a silver lining, if she moves in with someone (cohabitatiion) I don't need to pay support.

 

This would make life for me easier to move on and financially won't be a strain, I'm not looking at the $ as I still have feelings for her and love her, even the way she is acting and lack of empathy, the online fling wasn't real even if she talked, said things and likely showed lot's of pictures. I know to many out there, this is enough to call it quits, I know if the table was turned she would do it to me.

 

So should I just forget about this and quit being a pushover (I feel like one) but I don't quit often, I'm not a quitter but know when to throw in the towel.

[changingmale]

I am in the same boat but she is not looking for any kind of relationship. I did join some dating sites but when it comes to paying to join i stopped. I want my wife back and have told her this and have prayed all the time for God to restore the marriage. I do think she still loves me and i know she care she said so. If you still love her and you think she loves or cares about you keep trying. You may get hurt who knows what the future holds. I would keep fighting and maybe see how it is in a month and then maybe take it slow and still want to make the marriage work. Maybe if have a close friend that you both have and you can talk to. Tell this person what she your wife is doing and maybe this friend can talk to your wife and tell her she is messing up. I hope you are talking to counselor also to help you and this person can let you know if you should fight or go. Hope all works out and good luck.

[d0nnivain]

If you want to reconcile you need to talk to her.

 

If you want a divorce, her safety or vulnerability is not your concern. Maybe she is rebounding. Maybe she is looking for someone to support her. Maybe she just doesn't want to be married to you. If you are divorced it's not your problem.

[carhill]

People who are separated can and do date and have sex with others. Pretty common.

 

If you have an agreement to the contrary (I wouldn't, waste of time), the worst punishment is destroying the person in the divorce. In reality, no one really cares and in most places it's perfectly legal.

 

Leave your estranged spouse alone. You're separated and a divorce is pending. If the separation is 'legal', meaning it's been signed off by a judge, it carries much of the same weight as a divorce in most jurisdictions, save for re-marriage.

 

You and your wife can never talk again, or you could get re-married if the divorce goes through and, yup, after dating and having sex with other people. That's life.

 

My exW started dating other guys as soon as we split up and had a new one in her house shortly after we filed and over a year before the D was final. That's life. They're still together today, nearly ten years down the road. My boots, or yours, aren't the only ones that can park at a lady's door. She knows her sexual power. Accept it. Leave her be.

[Insoc]

I am in the same boat but she is not looking for any kind of relationship. I did join some dating sites but when it comes to paying to join i stopped. I want my wife back and have told her this and have prayed all the time for God to restore the marriage. I do think she still loves me and i know she care she said so. If you still love her and you think she loves or cares about you keep trying. You may get hurt who knows what the future holds. I would keep fighting and maybe see how it is in a month and then maybe take it slow and still want to make the marriage work. Maybe if have a close friend that you both have and you can talk to. Tell this person what she your wife is doing and maybe this friend can talk to your wife and tell her she is messing up. I hope you are talking to counselor also to help you and this person can let you know if you should fight or go. Hope all works out and good luck.

 

My Wife talks like a different person, it's like she flipped a switch. She uses things outside of our marriage as a reason, like saying she hasn't been happy since the death of her Father 5 years ago. Something that I had nothing to do with. I do still love her, but I'm feeling it's not the same with her. She keeps saying to give her "space" but the lack of empathy and care I once knew, keeps irritating me for questions that I keep asking her.

 

I don't think there is hope, but I keep trying. I don't know if 2 or 3 months down the road it will matter, it feels like she had made up her mind. My problem is, when I met her i had a clean slate, wasn't married or came out of a long term relationship, she was married and while she had some baggage, she was able to walk away and be with me within a few months, I should have saw that as a red flag, but I didn't because I was too naive.

 

I knew if she was independent and had a good job, was able to move out fast she would have without a blink of an eye. She is trapped now, needs someone to latch onto, reason for the online dating site profile creation.

 

Also we have no close friends because we moved to an area far away from everything/everyone we knew.

 

At some point I need to give up, move on and focus on me, but this is the hardest thing I ever had to deal with because of the years we spent together 10 years married 3 years prior dating and engaged. 13 years total.

 

I am also going to seek therapy, it's too soon to say it's helping.

[Insoc]

If you want to reconcile you need to talk to her.

 

If you want a divorce, her safety or vulnerability is not your concern. Maybe she is rebounding. Maybe she is looking for someone to support her. Maybe she just doesn't want to be married to you. If you are divorced it's not your problem.

 

 

I am trying that, maybe it's too much too soon, it's only been a few weeks, not even a month we are legally separated but living under the same roof which isn't too helpful in moving forward. I'm impatient and the events that unfolded put me in a world of crap, what she was doing (online Romance Scammer) that was put to an end a few days ago, she came to her senses. I feel though her mind is made up, it's hard for me to accept this because it wasn't like a real person is there as the reason, but a pure fantasy.

 

I do think she is looking for someone to "support" her, I know she wanted things (Material items) I couldn't afford, due to her not working the past few years it has been a single wage home. I never thought of her as putting $ and material items in front of love, but people change and you think you know someone when you really don't.

 

She made a comment to me "maybe you will meet a woman that makes more $ than you", well that was a dig, I never, ever nitpicked her about her lack of having money and not working the past few years, I have given her a lot of money over they years, covered all expenses 100% even when she was working since she made less than me.

 

I think some people change, they reach a certain age, in my Wife's case after turning 50, I guess she felt she can do better, I dont' think she has come down to earth yet, the pain I feel inside she isn't showing, there is little tears of sadness or emotion, I think that when we are not living together it will hit her.

 

My Attorney told me to give her a ultimatum on moving out, while I thought about doing this in 2 months, I know that she could not afford to stay in our current place, we are renting, so initially I thought it would be good to just sit back and play it cool, but it's hard to be with someone who isn't thinking the same as you on the future. I could put her in a world of hurt by doing such, saying I'll give you X amount of $ support, reality is, it won't be enough for her to live on here. She is also looking at places to live, nobody is calling her back, she has no job, income and credit is not too good.

 

So to her, finding a man, hate ot say it (Sugar Daddy) to move in with, its a key to survival, also she doesn't want to downsize and cut back on things she has with me, by finding someone who will give her equal or more, she will not have to endure any hard times or lower her standards.

 

At the end of the day, whether we work it out or not, there are lot's of unresolved issues and her ways and attitude would be something that will haunt me and would need couples counseling to resolve, also I fear would she do it again down the road?

[Insoc]

People who are separated can and do date and have sex with others. Pretty common.

 

If you have an agreement to the contrary (I wouldn't, waste of time), the worst punishment is destroying the person in the divorce. In reality, no one really cares and in most places it's perfectly legal.

 

Leave your estranged spouse alone. You're separated and a divorce is pending. If the separation is 'legal', meaning it's been signed off by a judge, it carries much of the same weight as a divorce in most jurisdictions, save for re-marriage.

 

You and your wife can never talk again, or you could get re-married if the divorce goes through and, yup, after dating and having sex with other people. That's life.

 

My exW started dating other guys as soon as we split up and had a new one in her house shortly after we filed and over a year before the D was final. That's life. They're still together today, nearly ten years down the road. My boots, or yours, aren't the only ones that can park at a lady's door. She knows her sexual power. Accept it. Leave her be.

 

I know, it just seems like she is rushing into it as a means of finding someone to take her in, not for love because she really needs to be single and get her life in order. None of this adds up, with what she say's to me "looking after myself". She also fails to realize that many Men on these online dating sites are looking for hook-ups, not long term relationships, along with that plenty of scammers on these sites as well.

 

I guess for me, I'm not the one doing it, initating it, it was all driven by her. I don't want to sound bitter or like I want revenge, it's just that I have a hard time accepting her behavior, especially when she said "I cannot flip a switch", but this is what she did with me. She almost seems to be wanting attention, when I told her I was looking at Match.com and woman in our area, she said "Why you doing that?" So it's like she is jealous but still willing to dish it out on the flip side. She still talks to me like all is good and we will be friends regardless of what happens.

 

I think my Wife knows she has me under control, she is doing this on her terms and knows my weaknesses, it's easy when you have the upper hand, regardless if financially I will be better off if she leaves and finds a Sugar Daddy = co-habitation = no support needed. Being in relationship with a spouse who doesn't work with no kids, but is college educated and can work, is tough financially, but I never said I want a Divorce because you don't want to work, ever.

 

I can rush out and find someone, set-up a online profile too, I see plenty of Woman, but I feel I need time and won't be good company until my head is clear of this garbage. I don't know how my Wife would feel if I let her know I'm dating next week, I know it's only a matter of time before I find out she has a date. I think she knows I'm loyal, and knows I can be alone and independent, to her that's a means to show me she doesn't need me and make herself feel better.

[carhill]

I used to go through this stuff when younger but, as life proceeded, I came to understand that women are trained from birth to capitalize on their skills with both sex and manipulation to destroy people when they want to so accepted that and, if in a situation where there was no apparent peaceful and mutually agreeable outcome, to move on, walk away.

 

I saw enough of the propaganda that flew around during our D to just say no. MC was the best thing that ever happened to me. Accept it. That was the lesson.

[Marc878]

You are wallowing in this by your own choice.

 

Why?

[GinON]

This is the third thread on this topic and it shows you are really hung up on her but she’s not a healthy person and has major separation anxiety and probably other layers of severe insecurities.

You appear to be suffering from some degree of the same.

 

I would suggest you get therapy for you and not worry about her, she is an adult and no longer your responsibility aside from what the court says. Get your lawyer’s advice, follow it and move on!

You can have an awesome life going forward when you make yourself awesome. Your soon to be ex has lost herself and needs help, perhaps you want to spend the next 10 years saving her at your expense?

[Insoc]

I used to go through this stuff when younger but, as life proceeded, I came to understand that women are trained from birth to capitalize on their skills with both sex and manipulation to destroy people when they want to so accepted that and, if in a situation where there was no apparent peaceful and mutually agreeable outcome, to move on, walk away.

 

I saw enough of the propaganda that flew around during our D to just say no. MC was the best thing that ever happened to me. Accept it. That was the lesson.

 

I think you hit the nail on the head, I can tell my Wife is doing just that, she still shows concern for me and does thing that someone who still cares would do. I also created an online profile at one of the online dating sites, it bothers her now. I said well if you are going to date, I'm going to look into it as well, maybe my own little jab back at her considering it's been all about her the past few weeks. I told her lot's of Woman are contacting me (not that I'm seriously looking to jump into another relationship). I just wanted to see how she would react and I was 100% correct.

 

Counseling is the only thing I have right now, Divorce Support Group at a local church is next. My Wife is not saying "love" anymore it all stopped the day I found out about her online fantasy, but she was saying daily prior to that, I guess it was all a lie and she has been lying to me a lot. One thing I hate is the lying and it just enrages me more.

[Insoc]

You are wallowing in this by your own choice.

 

Why?

 

Fool for love? I dunno? It wasn't like I saw it coming, I saw problems but not this. Issue is we are in the same house still, our state does not have 20 day divorces, it can take 6 months to a year. The only thing that will seal it, is if she finds a love interest in the next month or so, and decides to move out and in with them, which wouldn't surprise me she did it with me from her previous husband, was separated but it took 8 months of dating till she moved in. I now feel I'm getting what I did to him. Finding a woman with a clean slate and no history is nearly impossible after 40 if not 50, my days of skiing fresh powder are over.

[Insoc]

This is the third thread on this topic and it shows you are really hung up on her but she’s not a healthy person and has major separation anxiety and probably other layers of severe insecurities.

You appear to be suffering from some degree of the same.

 

I would suggest you get therapy for you and not worry about her, she is an adult and no longer your responsibility aside from what the court says. Get your lawyer’s advice, follow it and move on!

You can have an awesome life going forward when you make yourself awesome. Your soon to be ex has lost herself and needs help, perhaps you want to spend the next 10 years saving her at your expense?

 

I know, sorry. I just have so many questions and cannot wrap them up in the first post since the dynamic has changed.

 

I considered what you said, a part of me wants to be free of it, but another part of me still loves her, that's the dilemma. I really cannot carry any guilt in this, since I'm not the one who wanted it, which gives me some great feelings that I can move on easier and live with it, where as she will have to carry the burden.

[David33]

Yes, I felt exactly like you felt, it just seems my Wife cracked and made the decision she wants out of our marriage. I never got a true answer on why yet, she has said some things to me on why when pressured, but the incident with the romance scammer has overshadowed everything to do with us and after what I have done for her and what we have been through together, it's probably the worst experience in my life, above Death of loved ones (hate to admit it) but as time moves forward the misery grows.

 

She is also needy, cannot just move out and be single, she is looking for a man already, because she cannot survive on her own being a housewife, where we live is very expensive and housing isn't cheap. She doesn't realize her issues (which she fails to recognize) will follow her to the next man. She is looking for instant gratification and support. When she left her 1st husband, she had a job and could be independent.

 

I'm way too humble with her, I still think there is a chance when I fail to realize there isn't. As the days move forward, I know it will become less of feeling and more of a reason to get out. Our state has a very long divorce process, we are seprated now, but living under the same roof in different rooms. That makes it hard to start the healing process. Her ways, attitude and things she has done/doing are enraging me, I never got a "sorry" or anything to give me closure. I now see she created a profile on a online dating site, I found it looking myself just out of curiosity, seeing all the Divorced Woman, personally I'm not looking for love so soon, I'm going to remain single for a year or longer.

 

She said to me last week or so, "I cannot flip a switch" but that's anything but the true on 10 years of marriage. My mistake is thinking I knew her, when I probably never did. She also say's a lot of hurtful subliminal comments about me, when I am still telling her nice things about the times we had and how she looks and her appearance.

 

I'm one of those "cannot let go types", because I'm on the receiving end, but I bent for her more than most Men would have, tolerated a lot of negativity and things missing in a typical relationship. She just doesn't get it, never will and will wash her hands of me at some point. Personally I feel like I wasted my time with her at the end, I invested way too much money when she didn't want to work, I look back and wonder if I found someone better, how much better off I would now, emotionally and financially.

 

I had a very similar experience. Different mix, but strikingly similar. It took me many years to finally call it quits because she was just unable to change for the better and the list of things she did or didn't do to grow our relationship just piled up and became overwhelming for me. I'm not going to suggest leaving because I know how hard it was for me to let go of the vision of the future that in my case, will never be. I realized it was a fantasy and it took a long time to snap out of it. Go at your own pace. I did eventually do one thing which was put my health and well-being first.

 

I'm in SoCal so I get the high cost of living thing and 6-month wait. Throw in the high cost of private health insurance and an extra rent to consider and ouch, it's brutal. But it was cheap compared to dying early from stress or shared loneliness.

 

I wish you the best.

Edited November 6, 2018 by David33

[Insoc]

I had a very similar experience. Different mix, but strikingly similar. It took me many years to finally call it quits because she was just unable to change for the better and the list of things she did or didn't do to grow our relationship just piled up and became overwhelming for me. I'm not going to suggest leaving because I know how hard it was for me to let go of the vision of the future that in my case, will never be. I realized it was a fantasy and it took a long time to snap out of it. Go at your own pace. I did eventually do one thing which was put my health and well-being first.

 

I'm in SoCal so I get the high cost of living thing and 6-month wait. Throw in the high cost of private health insurance and an extra rent to consider and ouch, it's brutal. But it was cheap compared to dying early from stress or shared loneliness.

 

I wish you the best.

 

 

I am in SoCal too, so yes I know what you are saying. 10 years of marriage also means long term support, so I was told. This is a scary scenario for me.

 

It is hard for me, but I do see both sides of the situation, I don't know what her intentions are but I feel her heart isn't in it but mine is having a hard time letting go.

 

I know I can find someone else, but I need time to heal and get my life in order.