Still missing my ex after 3 years. Should I contact her or let it go?

[James5280]

Not sure if this is right place to post this, but I've been struggling with the loss of my ex for over three years now. And just figured I'd get it out and see if I could get any thoughtful advise. Sorry in advance also for what I'm sure will be a long message.

 

I met her in the Fall of 2012. She was breathtakingly attractive -- a working model out of NYC who'd gotten Lyme disease and waa forced to put her career on hold to moved back home and try to heal. I was going through treatment for Lyme as well and we became friends. One thing led to another and we fell in love over the next 4 months and ended up dating for 3 years.

 

It was so nice to have the support of someone who knew what I was going through and we were really there for each other in ways no one else could have been given that we were both going through treatment together.

 

We had so much in common and had so much fun together. We both worked out a lot, loved nature, we had the same taste in movies, music, books, spiritual ideas etc... everything seemed so perfect. We spent every waking second together and eventually realized that we were so lucky to have found each other and that we wanted to spend our lives together, get married, have kids etc.

 

Things went really well until I underwent a difficult treatment. She stood by me for a year through it, but it messed with my hormones and I became cold, irritable, argumentative, and dismissive. Our relationship changed as a result and she felt emotionally abandoned and let down. I was still a good boyfriend and I tried, but I was not happy most of the time and was taking it out on her and this wore her down. At the same time, she wore me down too by being so depressed all the time as well. I could usually handle it, but not given the treatment I was going through as I was usually the happy one so this really changed our dynamic.

 

Eventually, I asked for a break and we took a week apart. Not a breakup, but just some time apart. After that, we tried again. A couple months later she asked if I would marry her. I told her that I wanted to in time, but I needed to get through my treatment first before I could focus on that. It was supposed to be ending in a few months, but we found out there was a chance I'd have to do it for another year or two. The next day she left a cryptic note saying she loved me, but couldn't live the life we were living anymore and needed space to figure things out. I asked to talk and she refused so I gave her space. I wrote her two weeks later to tell her I loved her and missed her and that I would like to see her. She never responded and I never saw her again. It was really hard to take. Just poof, my whole life, gone.

 

I learned through a mutual friend that she began dating someone else a couple weeks following our breakup and got pregnant. That he'd bought her a house and they were living together. It was very unlike her to move so fast and irrationally, but the mutual friend told me she was really hurt by us not working out and he was there for her through the break up and she thought it was a rebound thing that got out of control when she got pregnant and was now trying to make it work because of the pregnancy.

 

I was devastated, but I had to let go obviously. I dated around and slept around a lot to try to get her out of my mind. I've also had short relationships with 6 women since then. Just a few months here and there, but nothing that stacked up to the connection I felt with her.

 

In the years since I've felt so much sadness around the way, I treated her at the end when I was going through that difficult treatment. I was a different person than I am now healthy. She was really there for me at my worst and in a way, no one had ever been before. I never had more in common or felt more attracted to someone. I feel ashamed for the way I was during that time. I really took her for granted.

 

I reached out to her two years ago after she had her baby just to congratulate her and told her I thought she'd make a great mother. It was closed-ended and I didn't ask anything or try to start a conversation and she never responded. I didn't want to bother her or try to break up her relationship, I just wanted her to know I still cared and that I didn't hold anything against her.

 

Then, about a year ago, my cousin ran into her and she told him that she was going through a difficult breakup and confided a lot in him. She's an extremely private person and never confided in anyone while we were together. But she knows he's my best friend and that he would tell me everything she said so I thought she was extending an olive branch. I asked him to reach out to her to see if it would be okay if I contacted her, but she told him that she would prefer not to hear from me. I was really confused as I really felt she wanted me to know she was single, but I just let it go and respected her wishes.

 

It's been a year since then and I still think about her almost every day. It doesn't hurt anymore, but I still miss her and the connection we shared before I went into that difficult treatment. If I'm being honest, there's a big part of me that feels we'd have been perfect for each other had I not gone into that treatment or if we met now that I'm healthy.

 

I'm not sure if there's anything I can do to get over things, but I've thought of writing her to tell her how I feel, thank her for all she did for me when I wasn't well and apologize for all the pain I caused and for ruining what we had -- the 2 best years of my life. But at the same time, she already told my cousin last year that she didn't think it was a good idea for us to reconnect. Her exact words were, "I don't think connecting with an ex-boyfriend would be the best thing for me at this time."

 

So, I'm just left with memories of what we had. I stopped dating because no one else really stacked up and it isn't fair to date other people when I'm still in love with my ex. My thought is that maybe by contacting her and getting out how I feel I might be able to really accept it and finally move past these feelings.

 

It's been so long and I'm sure we've both changed a lot, I can't say for sure that we'd still have that same connection or not so I don't want to hope for another chance. A conversation and catching up, getting closure etc, would be a dream come true, but I really don't think she'd be up for it or she probably would have already met up with me.

 

Anyway, just trying to decide what to do. It's obvious I haven't been able to let go so I think I need to face it and either write her and tell her how I feel and leave it at that or ask if we can get together and do it in person which is my preference, but I'm unsure age would be open to it. I guess a third option would be to continue to try to move on, but that hasn't really worked out well the past 3 years.

 

Thanks in advance for reading this if you made it all the way through. I'd appreciate any thoughts or insight.

[Million.to.1]

Hi James, welcome.

 

Write it down, In a letter to her. Put it away for a a few days, then pull it out, read it, edit it. Put it away again. Do this for a month maybe two. Say everything you want to say.

 

If you decide to send it, you must accept you may not get a response, or a response you don't want. Guess then you have to let it go, knowing you did all you could.

[d0nnivain]

If you are now ready to be all the things you couldn't be for her back then, plus a step father to the other guy's kid reach out. If you are not ready to jump into that level of commitment, leave her be.

 

She may very well reject you because you hurt her so badly last time & she can no longer trust you not to bail but you might as well try. We regret more in life the things we don't do.

[James5280]

Thanks I appreciate the advice. I'll start writing something to her and see how it goes.

[James5280]

I'm not perfect by any means, but I'm healthy now and definitely feel open to being able to meet all of her needs and be there for her in the ways I wasn't able to before. And I have no issues being a stepdad at all if things were right between her and I. I'd actually be happy to have a family. I don't have kids so I'd be very open to it again provided things were right between us after all this time. Thanks for the advise!

[Zapbasket]

Hi James, welcome.

 

Write it down, In a letter to her. Put it away for a a few days, then pull it out, read it, edit it. Put it away again. Do this for a month maybe two. Say everything you want to say.

 

If you decide to send it, you must accept you may not get a response, or a response you don't want. Guess then you have to let it go, knowing you did all you could.

 

This is really good advice. Write the letter, but wait before sending it. And really meditate in the interim on what you truly want from her. It's easy to get fogged up in the regret and nostalgia and not allow reality to sink in that if you were to get back together, it would be a VERY different relationship, PLUS you both would have to consider the needs and feelings of another--and a small, dependent, impressional person at that. It's a big job rife with potential complications and you have to KNOW it's what you want. Talk it over with good friends. Talk to a counselor if you can. When you are sure you are ready for the commitment and complications that lie ahead, then send that letter.

 

And yes, prepare yourself for no response. She's a single mother now. She won't have time or tolerance for anyone to come traipsing into her life from her past with nothing concrete to offer.

[James5280]

This is really good advice. Write the letter, but wait before sending it. And really meditate in the interim on what you truly want from her. It's easy to get fogged up in the regret and nostalgia and not allow reality to sink in that if you were to get back together, it would be a VERY different relationship, PLUS you both would have to consider the needs and feelings of another--and a small, dependent, impressional person at that. It's a big job rife with potential complications and you have to KNOW it's what you want. Talk it over with good friends. Talk to a counselor if you can. When you are sure you are ready for the commitment and complications that lie ahead, then send that letter.

 

And yes, prepare yourself for no response. She's a single mother now. She won't have time or tolerance for anyone to come traipsing into her life from her past with nothing concrete to offer.

 

Great advise and things to consider. Very appreciated. Thank you. Aside from the letter, I'm starting to put together a list of things I need to do, and also things to consider before reaching out to her. Once the letter is finished, the things are done, and I've given proper consideration to the possible implications of reaching out, I think I'll be ready for whatever comes or doesn't come after doing so

[Marc878]

Don't expect a fairy tale ending. It's been 3 years and she's not responded favorably. Perhaps she remembers the bad times.

 

Time changes a lot of things. Both you and her.

[Zapbasket]

Great advise and things to consider. Very appreciated. Thank you. Aside from the letter, I'm starting to put together a list of things I need to do, and also things to consider before reaching out to her. Once the letter is finished, the things are done, and I've given proper consideration to the possible implications of reaching out, I think I'll be ready for whatever comes or doesn't come after doing so

 

One thing, too, to get clear on as you write the letter and wait and meditate on the situation, is what your end game really is or should be.

 

Is your goal to clean up the past, since it sounds like things ended with a lot mutual misunderstandings and circumstances that may have gotten in the way of true intentions?

 

Or is your goal to go forward with her?

 

I think your best bet is to focus on clearing up the past, not by writing a letter, but by asking to meet face to face with her, and going in more with a desire to listen than to speak. After all, you really don't know what was going on in her mind and heart and what of your behaviors she REALLY was reacting to.

 

If she's not willing to have this conversation with you, she's not going to be willing to even contemplate any other kind of contact with you. The only way forward, one way or another, is to clear up the past.

 

(And: that doesn't HAVE to include her. Upon reflection you may clear it up on your own, in your mind.)

[James5280]

Don't expect a fairy tale ending. It's been 3 years and she's not responded favorably. Perhaps she remembers the bad times.

 

Time changes a lot of things. Both you and her.

 

Yeah good points man thabks. I've thought this too. She probably just remembers how hard it was at the end. Definitely can't blame her for that

[James5280]

One thing, too, to get clear on as you write the letter and wait and meditate on the situation, is what your end game really is or should be.

 

Is your goal to clean up the past, since it sounds like things ended with a lot mutual misunderstandings and circumstances that may have gotten in the way of true intentions?

 

Or is your goal to go forward with her?

 

I think your best bet is to focus on clearing up the past, not by writing a letter, but by asking to meet face to face with her, and going in more with a desire to listen than to speak. After all, you really don't know what was going on in her mind and heart and what of your behaviors she REALLY was reacting to.

 

If she's not willing to have this conversation with you, she's not going to be willing to even contemplate any other kind of contact with you. The only way forward, one way or another, is to clear up the past.

 

(And: that doesn't HAVE to include her. Upon reflection you may clear it up on your own, in your mind.)

 

Super insightful. Thank you so much. It's difficult to say what my intentions are at this point. My heart wants her back, but the circumstances have changed so much. I still love who she was, but I don't know who she is now and that would certainly impact how we'd relate.

 

If it was anything like we had in the past though, yes, I'd want to explore potentially getting back together. But who knows how she feels. I think though that asking to meet up isn't a bad idea at all. And if she doesn't want to meet then my intentions be come clear. I would just want to clean up the past and I can send her a letter with everything I want to say. For me. I just never got to apologize for letting her down, hurting her, and ruining what we had. And I want to thank her for all she did for me and tell her how much she meant to my life. I think if I got to communicate that to her somehow I could walk away and feel like I said what I needed to say. And really let go in my mind and finally move on.