Not a second chance, just need some good advice from all you here at the shack!!!!

[kodiak]

Hey Everyone-

 

Well something happened the other day that rocked my world. I was sitting down on the couch watching tv and my cell phone rang. I looked at the number coming up and had no idea who it was. So anyways i picked it up and the voice of the girl that I have never loved more was on the other line. I was speechless. My heart was racing and at first i could barely talk. I had to eveb excuse myself from the phone for a brief sec to collect myself. You see this girl and I had a great relationship for about a year that ended in June 2004. We spoke breifly here and there afterwards but that all ended. the last i heard from her was in September 2004. You see some of you might remember if you are still around but my relationship was LD. She was about four hours from my home in Montana. We dated and had a great time. We saw alot of each other, went on many trips, visited her whole family from her hometown etc. However the issues of a LDR came up and I sabatoged the relationship. I could go on forever but it would take too long. I never hurt her or cheated on her but I was just insecure. My previous relationship with her, did this to me. Anyhow she ended up breaking up with me and to this day I still have never loved a girl anymore. I have dated but nothing came of anything. My heart still belongs to her and im afraid it always will. Back in January I got a card from her that said a bunch of pretty sweet things. Things like " I knew you were an amazing guy when I met you and as much as I knew this before, im really realizing it now" How she watched our shows and thought about me, etc.. Anyways that was the last I heard from her. I tried to call her after that but her number changed.

 

So about the phone call. She called and we talk for like 2 hours. We talked about everything and laughed with each other like we used to. We talked alot about the stuff we used to do and special moments. It killed me. She was looking at some pictures of us while we were on the phone and I asked her to send me a few of a trip we went on together. She wanted to send me the ones with the two of us in them. Anyways we jsut talked and talked. It was great. I was too afraid to ask if she is with somebody because I could bear to hear it. She is an amazing, beautifull girl so Im sure that she is. Anyways although it was so amzing to hear from her, I guess it hurts now in a way. It just made me realized that although i havnt spoken to her in over a year, I still love her.

 

Dont worry you all, I dont think that she called me for any other reason than to catch up. What a shocker though, a phone call after a whole year. I was certain I would never hear from her again. Anyways I asked if we would speak again and she said ofcourse. i sent her a quick text telling her that it was nice to speak to hear and she replied back right away with the same thing. So i guess my question is this. For those of you that have experienced the same kinda thing, how did you handel it? Always should I wait till she calls again or call her, and if so how long do i wait? You guys dont understand how amazing it was to talk to her and what an amazing talk we had. Please just give me some type of advice. I mean is it normal that a ex calls you out of the blue after a year plus and talks with you for that long. I mean Im sure it does but it was a first for me? Thanks a million....

[heartnsoul]

Isn't life funny?! lol

 

I wouldn't call her back right away....if her intentions are of the romantic nature believe me, she'll be contacting you again soon

[Gottabestrong]

Hi kodiak,

 

I can just imagine what that must have felt like and I am very happy for you. Even if nothing comes out of it, at least you are important enough for her to call you after over a year of being apart and she obviously still has your number, while you dont anymore.

 

I can't offer you any advice because that has never happened to me, but I remember your story and just wanted to post and tell you that I am very happy for you.

 

Best of luck with everything!

[Taby]

I would try and keep in touch with her... Don't overdo it, but try calling her next... keep the conversation light... and see if she calls you again... If she wants you back, she'll come around.. As long as you leave the doors open...

[kodiak]

Hey Taby,Gottabstrong and Heartnsoul-

 

Thank you so much for your replies to my post. It means so much to me to get advice from people i dont even know. I think that i will call her in a few days. Like you said dont rush into things. I dont know what her intentions are but the fact that after a whole year she called me means enough to me. I have said before that I would do anything for a second chance with her. She must be special if after almost a year and a half im so madly inlove with her still. We will see what happens. My greatgrandmother used to tell me that when you make a wish at 11:11 it comes true. I did this everyday since i last spoke to her. I wished that she would call me and i would find out how she is doing. Well as funny and un-believable it seemed, it came true. I still worry about her involved with somebody but i could not ask her, it would kill me, you know. So what do i do. See if it comes up or what? I dont know if I would call a ex and talk for hours and look over pictures and talk about memories if i was with somebody. I mean i guess I could but would i want too. You knows? Anyways thanks again you all, it means the world to me.

[Baz]

Hi Kodiak

 

You and I seem to be in a similar boat. I had contact from her recently and have tried to nurture it a bit. Last night I called her for the first time since May, we split in Decemeber.

 

Unfortunately there were some pieces of info that I didn't want to hear about but in hindsight are important. In the past she would tell me nothing about her life. Knowing more now will help me evaluate exactly what I do going forwards.

 

It may be that you ex has just come out of a relationship or that she is in one that isn't working. Either way just be prepared to get hurt but, whatever you do dont show your emotions to her. Being strong is everything. Thats all I know.

[kodiak]

BAZ-

 

Thanks for yoru reply. you are right man with not wanting to find out certain things. It is all just so strange. A whole year man and then a phone call. I keep thinking that she is going to call me or send a text message of some sort but i know that is probably not going to happen. I guess i would rather spend my days wondering if she has a BF then asking her falt out, you know? it is just so hard. I wish that I could get over this one but i cant. I wanna call her like in a week but im afarid i will call and her boyfriend will pick up or something, you knows. Its her cell phone but you never know. i had a dream about that last night. it all happened so weird too. That night that she called I called my mom and told her. That same day my mom found a real nice watch that i left at my parents house that my ex gave me. My mom was trying to figure out where it came from. She asked my sister and she told her. When i called home to tell my mom she told me about finding the watch a few hours earlier. I know it was just a coincidence but kinda wierd too how things work.

 

I dont know what to tell you about your situation. It cool that you and yoru ex talk. I would like to talk to my ex more often. Just keep things cool and focus on yourself. Rememeber something nomatter how man y people she dates or you date, if you two are meant to be together, somewhere somehow your paths will cross. Aanother thing be supportive to her if she talks about her relationship(if shes in one, wasnt sure). This shows that you r being strong and care for her still. Dont let her see that you are jealous if you might be. After you hang up go vent. Go run, workout, thats what i do. Remember you are the catch man, dont let anyone take that away. Good Luck and keep me posted. Thanks again for your reply.

[Baz]

Kodiac,

 

You sound like a decent guy and from what you say she sounds pretty rounded too.

 

I personally think that being "friendly" is the way to go but only of you are strong enough to cope with the **** that will undoubtedly appear. In her own way and in her own time she will tell you about the ****ty bits that you dont want to know about but you should never push for her to tell you. All you can be is "friendly". This is completely different to being "friends". I also think that it is vitally important that you do know the ****ty bits and that she knows the same from you but it must be up to her to stear those conversations

 

For me, I try to imagine that I am her elder brother and she is my kid sister. It is that mindset that will come off best I believe. What you should remember is that by coping with the **** you will be conveying strength and maturity and if there is a woman alive that isn't attracted to that in a past love then I will be amazed.

 

Thx for your support re my situation. Im a little further down this wretched road but I will cope. Im not doing this just becasue I still love her im doing this because I want to show her in my attitude that despite all the **** that she has thrown at me I am strong enough and mature enough to still be me. Im a nice guy, I know that and her stupid frigging approach to life is not going to turn me into some hapless puppy dog. For you and me this is ultimately about our dignity.

[JS17]

It's nice to hear a happy story once in a while here. About not finding out certain things, isn't it better to find out now than to get your hopes up and let your feelings build? It sounds to me like you want to rekindle this relationship. Maybe I'm wrong.

[ReluctantRomeo]

For me, I try to imagine that I am her elder brother and she is my kid sister.

 

Im a nice guy, I know that and her stupid frigging approach to life is not going to turn me into some hapless puppy dog. For you and me this is ultimately about our dignity.

 

Good advice, all of this. Keep your dignity guys.

[DesertDweller]

Can't you text message her and ask her the questions you're dying to ask?

[kodiak]

Hey Everyone-

 

Thanks 2 all of you that replied so far to my post. I appreciate it very much and it means a great deal to me. To answer some of your questions. JS17, this girl has been my every waking thoughts since the day i first met her. She has been the one that made me smile when times got tough. Although we have been broken up for over a year now, I still look back on her and I smile. There were so many great memories. I would travel to the 4 corners of the earth and back again to find her if I could re-kindle this relationship. I have been inlove with her since day 1 and I still am. Im pretty sure that answers your question, lol... But what can I do? Sure i have her number and we might talk again. I guess if there are any romantic feelings on her part she will find a way to express them. Her letter back in Feb. kinda had some slight expression that she might still ahve some feelings but that was 7 months ago. So yes it would be my dream come true, and i could not ask for anything else if i ever got a second chance.

 

Desert Dweller- I guess that i could text her but i just cant. Dont worry Im not building any hopes up that she contacted me to re-kindle our relationship. I mean we have been broken up for over a year and some change. I just think that she saw some phots and missed me or maybe got out of a relationship and called the ex, you know? I asked a couple of my girlfriends(not romantic ones,lol) and asked them what they thought. They said that they would call an ex that they brokee up with if they had some inkling to get back with them or romantic feelings still inside them. I think they only say this to amke me feel happy, i dont know. I have heard this from others but im sure she just called to say hi. Who knows, all i know is that it was amazing to talk with her.

 

Thanks again for all the advice...........

[Praetorian]

Stay strong and hold on the little shield inside your heart so that if things go the other way, at least YOU have YOURSELF!

[kodiak]

Hey Everybody-

 

Well guys i have another update. Nothing huge but i talked to her again. i wasnt expecting it. She called. Anyways its killing me because i dont know yet if she is seeing someone or not. I just dont have it in me to ask her. Im at work and i will post the deatils any a couple hours. Hope someone is around o post some advice for me. I NEED IT!!!!

[fundamental]

Hey Everybody-

 

Well guys i have another update. Nothing huge but i talked to her again. i wasnt expecting it. She called. Anyways its killing me because i dont know yet if she is seeing someone or not. I just dont have it in me to ask her. Im at work and i will post the deatils any a couple hours. Hope someone is around o post some advice for me. I NEED IT!!!!

 

She already has your mind in turmoil. You are going to have to stop and relax a bit. You cannot allow her to have this much power over you or else you might be dissappointed. Take a step back and see if she contacts you. Also, make sure you are atleast pursuing other women...so that you can add balance to your mind.

[NightsEcho]

So any updates?

[NightsEcho]

oops double post

[kodiak]

Hey Everybody-

 

Sorry its been awhile but i have been working and stuff like that. Well I have a whole lot of updates with what has been going on with my ex and I. Pretty much we having been talking everyday. She mostly calls me and i will explain why i dobt call her as much a little later on. We talk a couple times a day and are usually on the phone for a hour or so atleast. She has sent me a lot of very nice text messages that amazed me. We started talking about stuff that we want to do together and places we want to go. It is so weird everybody. She has never asked me if I want to get back with her but it almost seems that we are. I mean how does that come up in a converstaion. Maybe she doesnt want to get back with me and all she wants is 2 be friends. However she has said some pretty romantic things to me in the last couple days. We have talked about who we have dated in the last year and four months. She brought it up and wanted to know. I was honest with her. I told her that I dated a girl for about three months after we broke up. It was about 4 months after we spli up and she seemed kinda sad that i could date that soon. She keeps joking with me that our breakup was mutual, even tough it wasnt. I tell you everyone i am very confused right now. She calls me in the am, after she gets off work, when she is out with her friends, before she goes to bed, etc... It is truly great but I dont know her intentions.

 

So how do you know when an ex that broke up with you wants to give it another shot. I mean after being broken up for almost a year and half, i guess if it comes back it might be for the long haul. I mean im sure alot of you remember how much this girl meant to me. I still am so very much inlove with her. How do I know if she loves me still or what? she told me the other day that i was the sweetest guy she ever met and that I was a great BF. I am so confused my friends here at the shack. I need your help. Part of me is so happy that I keep pinching myself to see if its real and the other part is just confused. I wont be able to talk to her everyday like this and just be friends. What do i do? What do you think she is up too? Please give me whatever advice you can, it will be greatly appreciated.

[Baz]

Kodiac

 

In answer to your question - I truly dont know. What I do know is that there are some very weird people out there who give the impression that they are keen when in actual fact all they are doing is looking for a security blanket. I hope that your ex is not one of these people because that type of behaviour for any adult is inexcusable.

 

I really hope that your ex is being genuine for your sake. All I can say is try and keep your feet on the ground. In the absence of her literally knocking on your door, expect zilch.

 

More than ever, actions speak louder than words now.

 

Good luck!

[pippen_2k]

In a perfect world she is interested again.

 

In a realistic world she is lonely, maybe just been screwed over by someone else, and she has come to you for some love and attention. Once she meets someone else your phone calls and messages will stop and you will be yet again wondering why....

 

Im sure if she wanted 'Back In' she would have asked by now

 

Sorry to be harsh but I seen all this BS before... Cross your fingers that im wrong.. I hope I am for your sake.

[kodiak]

I guess you guys are probably right. Nothing that great like her wanting to come back would ever happen to me. I give up. Thanks anyways for all the advice, Take Care...

[Gottabestrong]

I believe she is interested in getting back together.

 

It has been over 1 year of seperation, so I think she might not be comfortable just saying 'lets get back together' but is trying to just make it happen naturally.

 

Are you only talking on the phone or also meeting in person? If she lives far away, are you making definite plans to meet up?

 

My advice to you would be to treat this as if she was a girl you just met without the history you both have. Don't act desperate to get back together, or talk about your joined past in a uncomfortable way (like 'Why did you leave me?'), just be friendly, relaxed, happy.

 

If she is a half-decent person, then she is not just playing with your head and heart, but really interested in you. She might not know for sure if she wants to be your girlfriend again, but she wants to find out.

 

Just my 2 cents. Good luck...

[dr strangelove]

Hnmm

 

I have dated alot of insecure women, and they dont usually come back unless they have some romantic intention with me.. it usually starts with idle chit chat or a hang out.

 

What I get from reading your post is this, and this is probably the best advice you will ever get.

You want this girl, really want her? Then you have to think about narrowing the gap! Ie no more LDR..

 

Think of this as.. ya a second chance. Theres a movie around right now like this with ashton kutcher (sp?) He only sees this girl once in every few years or so, in the end he realizes "hey I have to take the big step!"

 

Try and think a bit more postively... and start to think how to make getting together with her a reality not just a dream, I bet if I go through your posts I'll see more then a few made late at night, which means that her absence affected you.

 

Actions.. or words? whats your choice?

[kodiak]

Hey Everybody-

 

First off i want to thank everyone who has been replying to my posts. I appreciate both the negative and the positive. Sure it hurts to hear that most likely my ex is calling me because either she is lonely, just broke up with a guy, or maybe justs want to be friends. Maybe she wants to get back together. I dont know. It was my everynight wish since we broke up that one day she would relaize that she actually loved me and wanted me back. Who knows what she is thinking. But I need some advice. You see, we talk daily. She calls me at a couple times a day and we always talk andd say goodnight to each other. It is so wonderfull, but it also hurts. She tells me that she wants to see me and visit her in montana. She lives about a hour plane ride away. Money is no problem and i will do it in a heartbeat. What does she want out of all of this. Just to have me in our life again as a friend. It just seems weird because we talk like gf and bf except the "I love yous at night" But its only been a week and half since she first called. She sends me text messages at night when im at work and cant talk to her, telling me goodnite. Its all so amazing you all.

 

However this is a problem. I know that I will not be able to just be friends with her and talk to her like this. I still am so inlove with her. After more than a year, i am still so inlove. She always asked and makes a point to see if im dating right now. Maybe she is just curious, i dont know. I guess I need to just ask her. Part of me feels that she would say something to me that might sort of let me know if she jsut wants to be friends or what. We talk about all the stuff we have done and would love to do together. What do you guys think? Should I just ask her or take things slow. Like Dr. Strangelove said I should consider it a second chance. I kinda want to and i kinda dont. I tell you one thing that after 16 months of virtually no contact i still love this girl with all my heart and i have too do something soo. Thanks for listening

[westernxer]

Why don't you ask her if she wants to hook up? Any answer that isn't a yes is an unequivocal no. Then you'll know for sure whether or not you should continue holding a torch for her.