Not a second chance, just need some good advice from all you here at the shack!!!!

[head/heels]

i have learned something magical on my year off from my ex....(and no i do not expect to get back with her or would if she asked)...... it is that a woman just wants to talk and "unload" her day on anyone who will listen...and that is okay....i also learned that guys all to often try to fix things when a woman is complaining....instead i heard that we (males) should just listen (that is what they want)...so when she is talking about her day, definately listen with empathy and dont try to give her suggestions unless she asks for them.....for what it is worth, that is what i have heard and read....(men mars, and women are from venus book--pretty telling actually)

 

anyhow, if she hasnt done or said anything about the two of you....definately do not make the first move...let her (especially because you are going up there to meet her...)

as for the bad or good thoughts, dont worry it is normal.... you are human....keep your feelings to yourself and dont let your emotions get to you and dont let her see it if you do...

all this being said, do not put pressure on yourself....otherwise it would not be worth it! it should be fun like a friendship...

and if you are so worried about making it perfect and not saying the rigth thing it will be torture...so prepare yourself for this and keep a cool head.

[kodiak]

Head/heels-

 

Thanks again for yet another reply to my post. You always make so much sense and give me such great advice and aspects on things. You know i dont know if im getting a second chance and i guess i wont know untill i see her. My stupid mind is really jacking me up because im thinking on the lines that we are a couple and that she has to always call me and stuff like that. The reality is that we are not a couple, who knows if ever will be either. For the first month we were talking several times a day. She would call me on her lunch breaks send me text messages etc. However this last week she hasnt done that. Sure she calls me when she gets of work but not on her breaks. Sometimes she doesnt reply to my text messages when i send them. Im starting to wonder if she is pulling away from me already. Maybe shes tired already of talking to me. Im hoping its just that she is busy at work and that she feels that she has gotten past that point where she feels like she has to call me all the time. I dunno, im kinda confused. Sure im sure alot of it is in my head and im making the worst out of everything. I have tendency to do that. So for the meantime im going to back off. What do you think my brother? Sure she is at work and I know she gets very busy but maybe she is pulling away. She still wants me to visit her and is looking forward to it. I guess its just a frustratiing situation because i dont know where i stand with her right now.....

[kodiak]

Hey Everybody-

 

Well today is a sad day. I guess if i was going to get a second chance its over now. She got mad at me the other day because there was a chance that i could make it down to see her. She felt that i was making an excuse. Anyways she never called yesterday and either today. I went from her calling me everyday to nothing at all. It hurts so bad now. I just dont understand what happened. I want to visit her more than anything and she thinks that i dont wanna come. Maybe it will blow over but i doubt it. Why did she step into my life, call me everyday, send me gifts cards, etc then dissapear and ignore me. Why would someone do that to me. I always missed her but i could go through the day without it consuming me. Then a month or so ago she called and we have talked daily since. Talked about future trips together, etc, then she jsut flat out stopped. We will see what happens. All i know is that im out money for airfare and vacation days that i used to schedule this visit. Im hurting

[head/heels]

just yet....we dont know exactly what will happen next....

[head/heels]

buddy....easy.....she is getting a little nervous that you are visiting and doesnt know your motivation just yet....you seem to be taking things way to the extreme.....WAY!!!! if that is all that happened, i dont think you should get all excited about it....in fact, call her tomorrow and tell her you are looking forward from time away from work.....and that you cant wait to see where she is living (or if you have been there, what has changed) and that you are wondering if you still should plan on coming??? and dont call her all the time, and dont get upset if she doenst call you....chill out, you sound like your life depends on this and it doesnt...you are going to freak her out!

stop it now!

[pippen_2k]

Should never have gotten this out of hand to start with..

 

What ever you have been doing take a step back and ask yourself if this is really worth re opening old wounds...

[upsetnhurt]

Kodiak,

 

I have not read all of your beginning posts yet I am curious to know why it is that you are still in love with a woman that apparently thought life was better without you in it for over a year? Aren't you always going to have that in the back of your mind even if you do get back together......that at any point in time if she gets the slightest bad feel about yourselves that she can simply walk away again? If she did it once she can certainly do it again with ease. Not so sure I could live with that thought...........

[JS17]

Hey Kodiak...I haven't read the rest of your thread but just from what you posted today I can tell you that when I behave like that it's because I feel that I have been jerked around then realize that maybe that's just how the other person is and give it another chance. Then when I feel that I'm being jerked around again I realize it's not working for me and walk away before it gets any harder. Whether you are jerking her around or not, seems like that could be the way she feels. Like I said, I haven't read the rest of the thread but from just that one post, that's what it sounds like to me.

 

Just to clarify, you said you might be able to go up and see her but then couldn't? If so, she's likely very disappointed whether it was a definite or not. There's nothing harder to deal with than constant disappointment. If this was the case then in the future you might want to think about keeping things that might be possible to yourself until they become more solid. Just a thought. Hope it helped (even though I'm jumping in at the end of the story )

[kodiak]

Hey Everybody-

 

Well a little update on my situation. I told you all the other day how she got mead at me when I said that i might not be able to visit her. After that she didnt call for a day or so then we finally spoke. She admitted that she was upset and annoyed with me because she thought that i was making up a reason that i couldnt visit her. i finally got her to realize that i want to see her and that i was coming and looking forward to it. Things seem kinda weird now and thats where i need your help.

 

You see for the first month she called me everyday and then some. She talked so much about us and things that we can do when i visit and how excited she was. Then within the last week expecially after the argument she has been different. She doesnt call as much and just seems kinda distant. i dont know. She admitted that she has been moody in the last week but i just wonder if now she is having second thoughts about me coming. i dont think she wants a second chance but why would she want me to come and visit her. Who knows? Im afraid that maybe she broke up with some guy and thats why she called me after all this time. Then we spoke and things were great. Just maybe that some guy decided she wants her back and now im left with nothing. Maybe this is the case, maybe not. Why would she be so weird all of the sudden. I mean we are by no means anything than just friends right now but her behavior has changed. I kmow that people say that if you want things to work out you have to be patient. Dont you think that if she was interested she would be calling me like she did when we first started talking. I mean it was so great. She would call me just to tell me some of the stupidest things too, just like how it used to be.

 

I dont really know where i stand with her right now. Im still planning on visiting her. My close buddy seems to think that she is acting this way because she might think that you dont want to visit and she feels weird that she came on so strong. He says that you need to show her that you wanna come and visit. I hope this is the answer and not the first idea I had. i just am so worried because i dont want to get there and have things been weird. I have a week before i go so i am hoping that she changes a little bit. Please if you have any suggestions let me know. How should i handle this? You all have been so much help with me since day 1 with this girl. I am still so inlove with her that it kills me when i dont talk to her or think she is upset with me. Sure maybe she is just havingg a tough week or just been really busy. She i worry that she didnt call me 1 day or is that being stupid. Like i said before she is not my GF so why should i worry. Should i just go there and remind her that i was the guy she once loved and make the best of it. Let me know what you all think.......Thanks

[Baz]

Kodiak

 

Try and keep things in perspective here. You are no longer in a relationship with this girl so try and stop thinking like you are. If you have any chance of a second chance you must start by changing your thinking and your actions.

 

Firstly, stop worrying about "the other fella". If you want her then accept that he exists and that he may be sniffing around. You have absolutely no given right to this girl so accept that she is out there and available. What you have to do is start from square one which means boys see's girl, boy likes girl etc etc.

 

Right now all you must focus on is building a new friendship with this girl. Forget relationships for the time being. Your objective is friendship. Now, going into this friendship you need to portray a confidence that she has not seen in you before. You need to behave like her big brother. Tease her gently, encourage her, talk with her, listen to her. Let her survey who you are. Over time (weeks and months) if she likes what she see's she will encourage you more, and that is becasue she likes to be around you. When the time is right, she will let you know what she wants. But for now you must be the perfect gentleman. Gentle and attentive but independant and confident. Let her see a man who is in control of his life and who is doing what he wants. Make your self attractive. It is your characrter and behaviour which is so so important right now.

 

Do not get clingy. Do not - tell her you love her, talk about the past, talk about the future (unless she brings it up), do not sleep with her, be intimate with her. Make her wait. Become a mystery and she will respect you more...

 

Try it, you will be very surprised by what happens. This is the only option you have. If she doesn't follow then it was never meant to be. But just chill, she wants to see you, and that is a healthy thing. As far as contact is concerned, let her dictate the frequency. You just respond in a cool fun "take it or leave it" way.

 

I hope this makes a bit of sense. It is very tough but you can do it. Prove it to yourself.

[kodiak]

Baz-

 

Thanks so much for thr reply, it does make a lot of sense. i just have tendency to read into things to much. Your right i have to talk this as a new relationship from the start. If she calls great, if not no big deal. Right? I have to take a step back and just relax.

[Baz]

Absolutely. You must be cool from now on. If she doesn't call it means absolutely nothing. If she does call, behave like a good friend. Make her laugh, talk, listen, have fun - just like friends do! Think back to how you were when you first met her - be like that, but expect absolutely nothing. Come on, you know how this works. Turn off that thing in your head that keeps telling you that she is your girl - cos she aint!! You have to woo her back with your charm now and that means keeping well away from anything that smells remotely like "relationship".

 

The longer you go without talking to her the better it is for you. Move forwards in your life and she may well be enquisitive enough to follow. If she doesn't then thats fine.

 

I think part of your anxiety comes from the feeling that you are not in control of anything. Well guess what, you are! You are in control of you, and a good partner will respect that and want to be around that attitude.

 

Come on you big old Texan wuss, get a grip!!

[kodiak]

Baz-

Thanks alot man you help me so much. Your advice is great, i mean it. If i can help you with anything man just let me know. I am not the greatest with relationship stuff but whatever you need i will do my best. One question though man and maybe you can help.

 

The reason i got so concerned about the phone calls is because when we first strated talking she called so much then it came to how it is now. If it was random calling at the beggining i would not be concerneed but she called alot then this last week i went whole day without hearing from her. I know it is stupid but i just was concerned. Give me your thoughts on why it was like this with her. Thanks again man and you are right I am being a complete wuss. i need to man up a bit......Thanks

[Baz]

I dont know why she did this, you need one of the ladies to advise you on that. I would hazard a guess that initially she wanted to touch base because she missed you. She probably was out of the relationship with this other bloke and as ever, for people in this situation, she defaulted back to you for security and comfort. She wanted someone to tell her that she still had value. Doesn't mean that she doesn't think of you generally, because she does. In a way she is using you. But, and this is a big but, now that she is back dont be the bloke she left!

 

She kept calling because it felt good for her. She got you comforting her and making her feel good about herself. During that time you caught up with each others news but after a while there comes a time when there isn't much more to say so conversations become less frequent. Lets put it this way, would you call a friend up every day to talk about not much?

 

I guess you came on a bit heavy. Easy mistake to make. the reason you did that is because you are not thinking about you. you are thinking about you and her. Dont forget, that doesn't exist. Right now perhaps she is backing off a little and just digesting what you have had in the last few days.

 

Be patient, if she is going to want more from you then be prepared for the long haul. If it never comes then keep moving on with our life. It is her loss. Just be nice, friendly and fun and wait and see.

[head/heels]

and men go thru bad and good days or spells and she was def at a time when she wanted to hear A from you and you gave her B....that is all....other times it would have been water off of a duck's back, but this time she was not in the right mind frame to hear B and she get upset...not a big deal

 

keep it light, no talking about u two and just show up and have hella fun with her without making it seem like you are trying to make her happy and to have fun...i.e. no straining ...and silence is ok too!

 

finally if she doesnt call for a day or two....give her a call....just like a normal friend would....and when you go up there....just tell her that (if she asks you why you havent made a move on her) you thought that they were gonna be friends...

d

[kodiak]

Hey Everybody-

 

Well im getting ready on sat. to go down there and visit her. Keep your all fingers crossed for me that it goes ok. I am going to take your advice and just go and have fun with her. Im not going to make and expectations for her or myselff. if things turn out to be the way i wanted them to well then thats just a bonus for me. She admitted that she has been kinda moody and did apologize. I just get so worked up thinking the worst about everything. I guess its just that she came on so strong with text messages, phone calls, pictures, cards, etc..at first then she just kinda tapered back a bit. We will just have to see how it goes. Im staying at her place and plan on sleeping on the couch, i think that is the best way to handle it. if worse case scenario and things are weird I can leave early. I will tell her exactly how I feel and be on my way. Again i just wish i knew what she was thinking in her head. Why does she want her ex BF to come visit her and stay with her after a year and a half? What does she want out of this?

 

Another thing guys and girls. Do you think that if she was having second thoughts about me coming or maybe some new guy popped up in her life she would tell me or find a way to make it seem that somethiing came up and we would have to reschedule. Im afraid that maybe if she did have second thoughts that she would not say anything. If i was in that position i would for sure but thats just me. I guess im just worried about stupid things that i dont even know exist. Im just going to go there be a great friend, make her laugh and show her a great time, with NO expectations. It will be hard im sure because like i said before i am still so inlove with this girl and keeping it on a friendship level will be the hardest thing if thats what she wants. Again would she have me come this far to see her if thats all she wants? We could be friends on the phone, couldn't we. I am so nervous and as the day goes by its getting worse. You all have been so great to me with the advice, just keep your fingers crossed and hope that it turns out ok....

[heartnsoul]

This trip is gonna answer all the questions you've been pondering for the past couple months, I know it!! May it spark something new for you and if not, may you find peace and closure. Take it easy and make the best of it!!

 

My fingers are crossed for you

[kodiak]

Hey Everybody-

 

Well i got back from trip and my heart is broken into a million pieces right now. Its not the pain i felt like when we broke up but its a different hurt. Its a cross between anger and sadness. You see when i first say her i was breathless. Her beauty was 10fold from what i remembered. The first few days of the trip were just great. Just like old friends hanging out. Thats all i wanted it to be just like all you told me how to view the situation. Just take it cool and treat her like a friend. So thats what i did. However the third night we went out had a couple drinks and i tried to kiss her which she took by surprise. It was just a peck on the lips but there was nothing there on her part. I dont know if it was because she was surprised or because her heart is not there anymore. i venture to say it was the later of the two. However she kept joking the next couple of days that i tried to make out with her and it was a constant joke the whole trip. She said that if she wanted to make out with me woould i let her and I said no. Although i would let it happen in a heartbeat i didnt want to have things get that close. Anyways the whole trip she just seemed different from the girl on the phone. The girl on the phone was lovey dovey and all that. She was acting like someone that was interested. Then i get there and after a couple days it was weird. There was no intimacy or anything. I guess you can say that she had no spark for me. I just am so confused and hurt. Why didnt she tell me this before i came out there. Why did she call me out of the blue, send me pictures of us, text messages, gifts, etc... then be a totally different person when i got there. Im sorry but you know in yoru heart if you still have feelings for someone whether you see them or not. What about people that have to go of to war and leave there loved ones behind. When they return does there loved ones just not love them anymore because thay have not seen them in awhile. I dont think so but maybe thats how it is.

 

Back to the trip. We did have a great time together. We laughed and had so much fun. Ofcourse she got annoyed with me all the time like she always does buts that whats made us work. She said that i can annoy her more than anyone in the world but likei said thats what made us work. We annoyed each other, then made up. So anyways the day before i was suppose the leave i was really quiet. We went out the night before and had such an amazing time and it hit me. All those feelings that i ahd for her punched me right in the stomach and it just confirmed to me how much i love this girl so very much still. It was an amazing night, nothing romantic just a great time. So like i said the next day i was very quiet.

[kodiak]

Sorry it got cut off........

 

So the next day we spent together i was very quiet and finally i kinda lost it. I told her that i think it would be best if i stayed in a hotel so the shuttle could pick me up to the airport. It was not the truth but i didnt feel right satying with her anymore. She got mad and then i lost it. I told her how i felt and it got horrible from. I told her that the other night made me realize what an amazing girl she was and that not a day has gone by in the year and a half that i havnt thought about her and that at times i realized i was still inlove with her. I was staying strong but then she started to cry and said how sorry she was that she made me feel this way. I reassured her that it wasnt her fault but thats what you get when you spend time with such an amazing girl. She never said that she can never be with me or that she will never love me again, which i guess is a good thing. She told me that her life is just so busy and that she doesnt want to be in a relationship with anybody. She asked why do want to be in a relationship with someone that doesnt want to be in a relationship with anybody? I wasnt really sure where that came from but who knows. So she was crying and then i lost it once she did. We sat there and held each other and just talked. I told her how much she means to me and that girls like her are 1 in a milliion. After all the emotions were over with it turned out to be a wonderfull night. Proabably one of the best nights we had. Again nothing romantic but just two fri4ends that care alot about each other. I asked her that I hope she still calls me after our talk. She said that at first she didnt think she could but then realized that she wants to still call me. I guess i will have to wait and see what happens.

 

So i guess i kinda screwed up by letting her see too much emotion. I guess i thought that things were going to fall back into place like they were when we were together and i was wrong to do that. I should have taken it slow and expected nothing from her except that i was visiting a friend. Nothing more, nothing less. I hope that she will have time to think about things and that we will continue to talk, we will have to see. It was just so hard everybody, i mean how to you hide your feelings when you are around the girl that you are inlove with.

 

So all in all i guess the trip was ok. We did have a wonderfull time togther and had some great laughs and memories. I dont know what the future will hold for us. If her and i are meant to be then only time will be able to tell. There were so many moments were we were caught staring in each others eyes and nobaody made a move. I know i was afraid and i dont know how she felt. I still feel that the saga with us continues. We watched that movie with aston kutcher called "Its about Love" togther and it showed that two people are suppose to be together and timing and distance keeps them apart until the day they realize they are suppose to be togther, 6 years later. It was the worst movie the two of us could watch but she wanted too. Im sure i will be on here posting alot now because needless to say im a little heartbroken right now. However i didnt loose anything going there but it opened up some old wounds.............

[pippen_2k]

Kodiak my man... oh god I dont know where to start here lol.. but ill keep this short.. She dosent want you and friends is NOT an option here so please dont start Round 2 with this girl, trying to keep something alive which isnt there...

 

Its gonna screw up your year and probably drift into next year if you keep hanging around.. Bugger feeling bad and heartbroken anymore dude, let it go.

 

Ill post some more later when I can think of something I havnt already told you a million times before

[kodiak]

pippen2k-

 

Thanks for your reply. i guess its what i need to hear but dont want to beleive. i just dont know why she even called me and wanted me to come out in the first place. she acted so different on the phone and truly said some things that made me think that there was a chance for a second go around. i guess she was just messing with my head. Man that hurts more than anything else.....very hurtfull

[pippen_2k]

I can totally understand where your comming from Kodiak, but a females mindset is very difficult, if not impossible to understand, so dont sit around analysing things too much, cause as males we will never understand.

 

Mixed messages are ruthless ( I still get em off my ex, I just choose not to give them any credibility anymore ) so I know how your hurting, but just do your best not to dwell on this for long. You had a good year where you recovered, and this time should only be easier and quicker as hopefully you learnt from the first time what 'hanging around' does.

 

Ill post some more later, cause the Lakers v 76ers game is about to start, and I gotta watch Kobe and AI jack up a thousand shots each.

 

Take your mind off her for a while and relax.

[kodiak]

Hey Everyone-

 

Im dying here right now. I have no one to talk to about this. I just need help understanding what happened. Why did this girl, the love of my life have me come see her then be so cold to me. Was it just a game to her? Did she get satisfaction knowing that i would come at the drop of a hat and see her after all this time. I just dont understand why this happend. i got back yesterday and she never called me today and ignored the 1 text message i sent her. I guess i know that she was jsut playing with my heart. Do you think that I will hear from her again or shoud i just realize that i was played like a fool and forget about everything? I need help right now my friends, im really hurting inside.....

[kodiak]

Hey everybody-

 

i woke up this morning just feeling crappy. Obviously what she wanted was not a second chance. She was thinking that way and although at times she led me to believe there was something that could happen, i guess my expectations were to high. I just need help understanding all of this. Why did she have to pop into my life after all this time and stir up all this old feelings inside me again. What was the point behind all that? So lets see i left her place two days ago and I havnt heard from her since. I got a quick text from her when i got home but that was it. Yesterday i sent her a text but i got no reply. I didnt call her because i know that she was probably busy. After we had our talk when i was there things went back to normal and we had a wonderfull night. We did not leave things on bad terms or with mixed emotions. Sure it was a emotional moment for the both of us but she said that she still wants to call me and we will talk. I was afraid that because of our talk thiings would be weird. Well its been two day and not a word from her. This hurts more than anything else. Why did she pop into my life? What were her reasons behind all of this?

 

No im stuck without anything. I hanvt talked to her. She ignored my text message or was just too busy. I went from talking everyday to the girl that i thought i would never talk to again, to going to visit her, to coming home with nothing. I hate to think that she used me because she was lonely or something like that. However the more i sit and dwell on it thats what I think happened. Maybe she got dumped and felt sad so she picked up the phone and called me. I hate to think that after all i did for her when we were together she would do that to me. So i pack up, go see her, she gets her fix of me then dissapears again out of my life. There are so many questions I have that have not been answered.

 

What should i do about contact with her. Let her call me or just let it all go. I cant seem to think that she would just dissapear from my life without saying anything. I just wonder what is going on in her head right now? Please my freinds help me sort this one out. IM LOST!!!!!

[heartnsoul]

How long did the 2 of you date? What were the circumstances surrounding the break up?