[25M] Broke up with first love [25F] last week- haven't stopped crying, need clarity.

[Mecca24]

2 weeks ago, I experienced my first break up with someone that I really cared for and loved & this is the first time I've felt this way in my life. I suffer from anxiety issues which is why I meditate daily, but unfortunately it isn't working at this time. I've been in other relationships, but just never cared this much or left myself this open.

 

 

 

Background: I was dating this girl for around 5-6 months. I'm a 25y/o white man, she's a 25y/o black woman. First 5 months were fire. No arguments... until 1 slipped text.

 

- My ex-girlfriend worked at a power plant. Over text, I mistakingly called it a plantation when I asked for the address. (I thought the word plant stood for plantation and had other contexts genuinely-- I know I'm an idiot.) She immediately bursted into anger, cursing and demeaning me over text because she thought I was making a joke. After 2-3 days she eventually got over it and believed my innocence and my apologetic nature. I would never ever joke like that and it hurt to think she thought I would.

 

- 2 weeks later, we go to a J. Cole concert. She asked me to hold her phone as she didn't have pockets. I held the phone and gave it back to her. 15 minutes later, she realizes her phone is gone, immediately blames me, curses me out, calls me a f'ing idiot and says she's going home. I storm into concert, find her phone and find out that it was in women's bathroom, so she really lost it and blamed me. (I let it go)

 

- That night, we both had some henny in us and I spill out for the first time that I love her. She doesn't respond as expected, I quickly change topic.

 

- Next morning, I drive her to work at 4:00 and we stop in WaWa for a few minutes. I take around 5 minutes longer than her making my coffee. I get in the car, and she starts screaming, cursing me out and calling me an idiot because she had her luggage on her and didn't want to throw it in her locker at work. (I let it go)

 

- After 2 straight overreactions, I ask to FT her that night. She says that she doesn't like that I let stuff go and blames me for her overreacting because I let it go. She tells me to let everything out that's bothering me. I vent and say that "I feel under-appreciated, I'm an amazing boyfriend to you, we go on great dates & I get you flowers, etc etc." (This will come up later)

 

- That night she also tells me that she has trust issues, hates being vulnerable and emotionally available, but what she hates even more is that I deserve that from her at the least so there's no excuse except her own fear. Also tells me how she gets upset at herself for missing me because it's vulnerable.

 

- The next day she texts me how much she loves me and every little thing she loves about me.

 

- The 2 days following, she suddenly got very cold and unresponsive to the love I was showing her.

 

- 2days later, while I was at work, she texts me and says that we need to talk but it must be in person. And that she says that I say the word love too loosely.

 

At this point, I'm starting to get frustrated, so I get on the FT with a little bit of an attitude, and asked what she wanted in an aggravated tone as I was upset she's annoyed that I said I loved her. She states that she doesn't like how I say the word "love" so loosely to her, and that I don't love her because I've never met her family/friends or know her long enough (5-6 months) I agree and say I probably just really like her and are confusing the emotions. However, this goes into the next battle.

 

I bring up why haven't I met her mother. She instantly blames me saying it's my fault I never come to the door or ask to meet her mom. I state that in most relationships, the girl is the one that initiates when it's ready to meet her mom, not the guy. She brings up how I saw her mom a month ago in front of the house and didn't say anything. (I was unsure if mother knew me at time as I was across street in car.) Also, she told me a month before I'd meet her mother when she's ready.

 

Also, I bring up how she's called me a dimwit, f'ing idiot, stupid, jerkoff, a**hole to me over little issues and how I won't stand for it anymore. She admits that's a fault.

 

Lastly, her biggest issue with me is my relationship inexperience and my immaturity in relating to her. Her biggest gripes with me were that A.) I brought up that I take her on great dates and get her flowers, B.) That I said that I loved her too soon C.) That I act like a victim/victimized. To be fair, I only brought up the dates/flowers 1 time and only in response to how I felt disrespected and we only got in 2 arguments the entire relationship.

 

Lastly, I tell her that I want to make things work and I know I want to be with you. She states that "she doesn't know. if she wants to be with me anymore" She also states as she's grown to get to know me more, there are certain things she really doesn't like about me. (I've mentioned above)

 

- Also brings up how she doesn't truly believe that I accidentally called her job a plantation even she said she was over it and apologized to me for overreacting weeks earlier.

 

- Also mentions little things that she doesn't like, including how I always finesse free breakfasts at hotels, took a picture of a guy walking around with no shirt in the gym, said I love you too early, etc.

 

- Also says she's breaking up with me on the phone, and when I questioned what she said, her response was "I said what I said."

 

That night, I text her "I really want to be with you and move forward together. However, if you feel like our issues can't be fixed, we're going to have to split up and remain friends, which would be cool with me."

 

She agrees and things are over

 

I'm sorry I had to vent like this guys. Writing it out is the best way for me to get over it. I've been in relationships prior, but never mentioned or felt love so this is a totally new feeling, mostly because I saw a future with her and now it's all over, just like that. I genuinely don't believe our differences were that major, but she disagreed. I've been super mature about it, but I'm just really hurt right now.

 

;TLDR I believe this women had severe trust issues and emotional availability issues that looks for reasons to breakup once relationships become serious. She was perfect for first 5 months, started to constantly overreact on minor issues, then when I had first real argument with her, she turned cold on me and broke up next day, breaking my heart.

 

I think I found clarity a few days ago. Upon hours upon hours of reflecting, I've come to the belief that this women had severe trust issues/emotional availability and once she began to fall in love with me, she immediately pulled back and searched for reasons to breakup, once relationship became more longterm. She told me her first love was 5 year relationship where she was cheated on, lied to, and 2nd relationship ended because he liked her too much and he was "depressed." Also because she admitted to me randomly days before relationship that she hated to feel open, emotionally available and vulnerable and almost did a 180 on me days after saying she loved me for no reason. Am I on the right path? I don't get it. It was literally 2 arguments in a span of 2 weeks that led to breakup. Am I on the right path? How did she go from loving me to having all these issues in 2-3 days randomly/after one argument?

 

Thank you guys,

[Redhead14]

I just gave this response in another thread about a first-love break up:

 

A person's first love is rarely their last love. Take a queue from the movie, "Murphy's Romance". In the last scene of the movie, 60 year old, James Garner's character, tells 30+ year old Sally Field's character, that he is In Love for the last time in his life.

[ExpatInItaly]

This woman displayed some significant anger issues and problems with emotional regulation, based on what you describe. Calling you names and cussing you out is verbal abuse, OP.

 

I know you're hurting a lot now, but as you heal, you need to reflect on why you let a lot of this bad behaviour go and tried to make it work with someone like this. Whether it's a product of previous bad relationships or deeper issues within herself, it was a serious red flag. She has an explosive temper and that likely didn't come out of nowhere. My guess is that she struggles with this much more than you realized - until now.

 

It sounds like she wanted to break up and was looking for reasons make her exit, and pin it on you because it was "easier" for her to blame you than admit she just didn't feel the same way you did.

[Mecca24]

This woman displayed some significant anger issues and problems with emotional regulation, based on what you describe. Calling you names and cussing you out is verbal abuse, OP.

 

I know you're hurting a lot now, but as you heal, you need to reflect on why you let a lot of this bad behaviour go and tried to make it work with someone like this. Whether it's a product of previous bad relationships or deeper issues within herself, it was a serious red flag. She has an explosive temper and that likely didn't come out of nowhere. My guess is that she struggles with this much more than you realized - until now.

 

It sounds like she wanted to break up and was looking for reasons make her exit, and pin it on you because it was "easier" for her to blame you than admit she just didn't feel the same way you did.

 

Thank you for the advice. I think you’re close, but slightly off. I believe that once the relationship got serious and she began to develop strong feelings, she looked for ways out of relationship in order to avoid getting attached or hurt, since she told me days prior that she hates to be emotionally available and vulnerable, despite me deserving it.