Men and Emotional Affairs

[Lotus_Luna]

I’d like to hear how the experience was for men. Not the guys lookingbtondtroke their ego and get laid. The ones who formed a close friendship and bond while married.

 

Was there a lot of guilt?

Do you feel addicted to the affair?

How do you process it?

[carhill]

Was there a lot of guilt?

When young and black and white thinking, yes but with time and experience with the length and breadth of humanity, it is what it is.

Do you feel addicted to the affair?

More so when young. By that I mean it was easier for a MW to keep the hook in. Most of that was faulty programming by my parents to believe in and trust women.

How do you process it?

Now, part of life. Spent many years navigating the treacherous waters of the selfishness of others, trying to do the 'right' thing, but nah, waste of time.

 

Women now are moments to enjoy. Done all the relationship stuff. No interest in sleeping around. YMMV.

[Lotus_Luna]

When young and black and white thinking, yes but with time and experience with the length and breadth of humanity, it is what it is.

More so when young. By that I mean it was easier for a MW to keep the hook in. Most of that was faulty programming by my parents to believe in and trust women.

Now, part of life. Spent many years navigating the treacherous waters of the selfishness of others, trying to do the 'right' thing, but nah, waste of time.

 

Women now are moments to enjoy. Done all the relationship stuff. No interest in sleeping around. YMMV.

 

It sounds like you’ve had a few EA.

 

What initially drew you in?

[DKT3]

I think believing men are in general interested in emotional connections outside of the primary relationship is faulty logic. As men we grow up conditioned to ignore emotions and emotional aspects of relationships. Men who engage outside of the relationship rarely do so for added emotional support or connections. It may not be sex, but almost never emotions.

 

Yet, that is what almost all women are looking for. Cant catch bees with milk, so its key to convince the bees milk is honey.

[carhill]

It sounds like you’ve had a few EA.

 

What initially drew you in?

 

First and most serious was a serial MW who failed to disclose her marriage for a number of months. Combined with that, being young and my father having just died I was probably susceptible. The last factor, upon reflection, was social and parental programming to protect/serve women and believe in and trust them. I later learned Reagan's mantra of trust but verify. That first attachment (I didn't do casual sex and tended to attach emotionally in a strong way) taught a lot of lessons.

 

The main reason for experience is, upon reflection, demographics. Simple supply and demand. My competition, other men, didn't have the rulebook I followed about making sure a lady, with ladies in general being outnumbered substantially by men, was unattached. Past 18 or so, I had a hard time meeting someone who was single. Many times, by the time I verified they weren't married or had a boyfriend, they had another one! One had to move fast. I lacked those skills and sophistication.

 

As the other poster mentioned, men generally don't form substantial emotional connections with women they're not sexually active with and many times not even then. My experience defines the exception to the rule. However, it does make it easy to discern female health. I just do what I do and watch what happens. Pretty good entertainment after doing all the mating/marriage stuff.

[Lotus_Luna]

I think believing men are in general interested in emotional connections outside of the primary relationship is faulty logic. As men we grow up conditioned to ignore emotions and emotional aspects of relationships. Men who engage outside of the relationship rarely do so for added emotional support or connections. It may not be sex, but almost never emotions.

 

Yet, that is what almost all women are looking for. Cant catch bees with milk, so its key to convince the bees milk is honey.

 

If it’s not for sex, or emotional connection is it for ego?

 

I found many men emotionally disconnected from their partner and unable to communicate effectively with them. They would look elsewhere for validation that they’re attractive, to talk about their day with and generally behave like an intimate and close friend. Sex may have eventually happened but not until the emotionally connection was strong.

 

On the other hand my friend will sleep with anyone for fun. Connection isn’t important but I’m fairly certain his issues run deep in general.

[Lotus_Luna]

First and most serious was a serial MW who failed to disclose her marriage for a number of months. Combined with that, being young and my father having just died I was probably susceptible. The last factor, upon reflection, was social and parental programming to protect/serve women and believe in and trust them. I later learned Reagan's mantra of trust but verify. That first attachment (I didn't do casual sex and tended to attach emotionally in a strong way) taught a lot of lessons.

 

The main reason for experience is, upon reflection, demographics. Simple supply and demand. My competition, other men, didn't have the rulebook I followed about making sure a lady, with ladies in general being outnumbered substantially by men, was unattached. Past 18 or so, I had a hard time meeting someone who was single. Many times, by the time I verified they weren't married or had a boyfriend, they had another one! One had to move fast. I lacked those skills and sophistication.

 

As the other poster mentioned, men generally don't form substantial emotional connections with women they're not sexually active with and many times not even then. My experience defines the exception to the rule. However, it does make it easy to discern female health. I just do what I do and watch what happens. Pretty good entertainment after doing all the mating/marriage stuff.

 

I think with age, supply and demand becomes a bigger factor. There are few single men my age. In wanting/needing attention I don’t have many options beyond men in relationships. As a woman, I think it’s easier to find an attached but willing man.

 

But I would assume that most would be purely looking for sex and fun. I have been told that women with as many complications I have are the ones you stay away from.

[Artdeco]

I believe it happens when men (just like women do) look for extra validation. They can get that outside of their marriage with an emotional affair as well as with a physical affair. It doesn’t matter really.

 

Men who are prone to cheating (for whatever reason) and need extra validation will go for either. If it develops into a physical affair - even better for them. But to have an intelligent, sexy, attractive, successful, even “tied-down” female “friend” who they can share certain thoughts and ideas (values) with (about Rs, as well as politically, philosophically,…), will be just fine. Also because sharing certain values and sharing thoughts in an intimate, emotional way creates a certain (physical) tension that might develop later into a physical relationship. But all in all I would think that it’s about validation and that can very well happen on an emotional level.

[DKT3]

I believe it happens when men (just like women do) look for extra validation. They can get that outside of their marriage with an emotional affair as well as with a physical affair. It doesn’t matter really.

 

Men who are prone to cheating (for whatever reason) and need extra validation will go for either. If it develops into a physical affair - even better for them. But to have an intelligent, sexy, attractive, successful, even “tied-down” female “friend” who they can share certain thoughts and ideas (values) with (about Rs, as well as politically, philosophically,…), will be just fine. Also because sharing certain values and sharing thoughts in an intimate, emotional way creates a certain (physical) tension that might develop later into a physical relationship. But all in all I would think that it’s about validation and that can very well happen on an emotional level.

 

Honestly, this is a female perspective of a male process, that maybe wants to believe it herself. Are there men out there who look to share intimate experiences with a woman not his? Sure, a couple. But not many. What a man will tend to do is offer that woman you are talking about what she need(needs to believe) to get what he wants. Rarely is that any sort of emotional support.

 

Truth is, men rarely develop emotions without physical.

[Lotus_Luna]

Honestly, this is a female perspective of a male process, that maybe wants to believe it herself. Are there men out there who look to share intimate experiences with a woman not his? Sure, a couple. But not many. What a man will tend to do is offer that woman you are talking about what she need(needs to believe) to get what he wants. Rarely is that any sort of emotional support.

 

Truth is, men rarely develop emotions without physical.

 

I’ve seen it play both ways.

 

Men who clearly offer just enough ‘bread crumbs’ to keep a woman around.

 

But if there isn’t sex, why engage in the affair?

[DKT3]

I’ve seen it play both ways.

 

Men who clearly offer just enough ‘bread crumbs’ to keep a woman around.

 

But if there isn’t sex, why engage in the affair?

 

Low self esteem, aging, wanting to prove he still has it. Call it whatever you want it is self serving. What it isn't is to gain some kind of genuine emotional connection. I know a ton of men that I've had millions of conversations with and not once have I ever heard one say "we have an amazing emotional connection " or "my partner is not there for me emotionally " 9.9/10 men just aren't wired that way.

[brigit87]

Low self esteem, aging, wanting to prove he still has it. Call it whatever you want it is self serving. What it isn't is to gain some kind of genuine emotional connection. I know a ton of men that I've had millions of conversations with and not once have I ever heard one say "we have an amazing emotional connection " or "my partner is not there for me emotionally " 9.9/10 men just aren't wired that way.

 

So men never want to have an emotional connection with a woman?

[Lotus_Luna]

Low self esteem, aging, wanting to prove he still has it. Call it whatever you want it is self serving. What it isn't is to gain some kind of genuine emotional connection. I know a ton of men that I've had millions of conversations with and not once have I ever heard one say "we have an amazing emotional connection " or "my partner is not there for me emotionally " 9.9/10 men just aren't wired that way.

 

What I hear is more along the lines of ‘we have sex anymore. It was her decision, but we don’t really fight or anything. But we also just don’t talk, I stopped saying anything. I found it makes things worse’

 

Lack of sex

Slept in another room

No longer took time to invest in one another

Focus was co parenting not marriage

 

Didn’t want sex

Wanted to talk about kids, work, life, shared hobbies

 

He was more interested in a friend then romance.

 

 

I have heard other men straight up say ‘my wife wasn’t available emotionally to support me. She listened’

 

I think the need to be desired is based strongly in emotion. Men want to be wanted by their partners. They want to know the sexually satisfy and emotionally connect with their long term partners.

 

Granted, some want just sex and an escape. But I’ve had some fairly open conversations with men and they’ve expressed vulnerability in their relationships being a source of pain and frustration.

[DKT3]

So men never want to have an emotional connection with a woman?

 

Absolutely not what I'm saying. I'm saying that men rarely go outside of their primary relationship in search of emotional support and connections. We men simply don't require much in the way of emotional connections. Intimate connection yes, but the two are not the same

[DKT3]

What I hear is more along the lines of ‘we have sex anymore. It was her decision, but we don’t really fight or anything. But we also just don’t talk, I stopped saying anything. I found it makes things worse’

<SNIP>

 

The biggest hurdle in relationships is the mismatch in emotional requirements. Most men need physical connection to develop a emotional connection and vice versa for women.

 

Men need to feel desired, needed, supported and sexually satisfied. Maybe somewhere soon after those come emotionally connection.

Edited November 3, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Lotus_Luna]

Absolutely not what I'm saying. I'm saying that men rarely go outside of their primary relationship in search of emotional support and connections. We men simply don't require much in the way of emotional connections. Intimate connection yes, but the two are not the same

 

I agree with this. I think the man with a happy but boring relationship is more apt to engage in affair for validation and excitement. He may be attached to his affair partner but not interested in jeopardizing the status quo of his life.

[elaine567]

Many men in affairs are often still getting sex at home or even elsewhere, so they can afford to wait until a potentially willing woman is comfortable enough to have sex with him.

If that means he has to form or fake an emotional connection with her to get sex, then so be it.

It seems to me there are few men who want to have platonic relationships with women or purely EAs, there is usually a goal in mind. OWs often state "EA for six months, a year, 2 years... etc., now PA..."

Men unhappy in core relationships, are often unhappy with the sex offered, that is therefore often their true priority in seeking out an OW.

"Men need sex in order to love" is often the mantra quoted, so if that is true then an EA will never be enough.

Why risk everything for some cosy chats?

 

If she is offering, he is taking, and if she is taking her time, he can wait as long as it takes. Cultivating a OW can be a part of the game.

 

This is not the world of boy meets girl, dating and true love, this is the world of extra marital sex and it can be pretty harsh and messy.

[Lotus_Luna]

Many men in affairs are often still getting sex at home or even elsewhere, so they can afford to wait until a potentially willing woman is comfortable enough to have sex with him.

If that means he has to form or fake an emotional connection with her to get sex, then so be it.

It seems to me there are few men who want to have platonic relationships with women or purely EAs, there is usually a goal in mind. OWs often state "EA for six months, a year, 2 years... etc., now PA..."

Men unhappy in core relationships, are often unhappy with the sex offered, that is therefore often their true priority in seeking out an OW.

"Men need sex in order to love" is often the mantra quoted, so if that is true then an EA will never be enough.

Why risk everything for some cosy chats?

 

If she is offering, he is taking, and if she is taking her time, he can wait as long as it takes. Cultivating a OW can be a part of the game.

 

This is not the world of boy meets girl, dating and true love, this is the world of extra marital sex and it can be pretty harsh and messy.

 

 

What if he really doesn’t push or want sex?

 

That was my experience... I wanted a PA and he put on the breaks. I was emotionally and sexually attracted to him. And while he was very attracted to me, he didn’t want to cross that line.

 

I have found MOST men are willing to wait, they know if they push the right buttons, sex will eventually happen.

[DKT3]

What if he really doesn’t push or want sex?

 

That was my experience... I wanted a PA and he put on the breaks. I was emotionally and sexually attracted to him. And while he was very attracted to me, he didn’t want to cross that line.

 

I have found MOST men are willing to wait, they know if they push the right buttons, sex will eventually happen.

 

Maybe, but understand men and women view infidelity differently in terms of which is worse. For most women, they fear their partner being emotionally attached which men fear the physical part. In turn he simply may view whatever you two have as not so bad because there is no physical. With you he has his needs to be desired, and needed.

 

Not all men cheat for sex, but please don't mistake that to mean he is more vested because he doesn't seek sex. He would still likely toss you in front of the speeding bus should your spouses find out.

[Lotus_Luna]

Maybe, but understand men and women view infidelity differently in terms of which is worse. For most women, they fear their partner being emotionally attached which men fear the physical part. In turn he simply may view whatever you two have as not so bad because there is no physical. With you he has his needs to be desired, and needed.

 

Not all men cheat for sex, but please don't mistake that to mean he is more vested because he doesn't seek sex. He would still likely toss you in front of the speeding bus should your spouses find out.

 

He has been open about the fact he isn’t looking to leave his marriage for me. Our relationship is ‘taboo and wrong, but it makes me happy and I don’t know how to stay away’.

 

I’m not here to replace his partner. They are a stable home for his bigger focus, the children.

 

At one time he was considering if I could be a plan B, but decided it wasn’t for him.

 

I don’t know what my purpose is. I don’t think he could express it either. Right now we’re not together but in some sort of friendship bond where he is assisting me with my career in his free time. It gives him access to me without the frustrations associated with an affair.

 

I’ve had other men be far more frank and open about their intentions. He’s the only one who never knows what he wants because he breaks all the ‘rules’ (his personal, social and relationship) with me. Typically if men are interested in a sexual affair with a emotional component they’ll feed me some line ‘we still have a connection. You’re special to me. It’s been x amount of years and I still think about you’.... there’s a lot of BS fluff.

[DKT3]

He has been open about the fact he isn’t looking to leave his marriage for me. Our relationship is ‘taboo and wrong, but it makes me happy and I don’t know how to stay away’.

 

I’m not here to replace his partner. They are a stable home for his bigger focus, the children.

 

At one time he was considering if I could be a plan B, but decided it wasn’t for him.

 

I don’t know what my purpose is. I don’t think he could express it either. Right now we’re not together but in some sort of friendship bond where he is assisting me with my career in his free time. It gives him access to me without the frustrations associated with an affair.

 

I’ve had other men be far more frank and open about their intentions. He’s the only one who never knows what he wants because he breaks all the ‘rules’ (his personal, social and relationship) with me. Typically if men are interested in a sexual affair with a emotional component they’ll feed me some line ‘we still have a connection. You’re special to me. It’s been x amount of years and I still think about you’.... there’s a lot of BS fluff.

 

From the sounds of this last post, it appears you've had several affairs with MM. Maybe this is his first and he just isn't willing to cross the physical boundaries. I'm guessing you are younger.

 

I just caution you about believing your value to him is what his is to you.

[carhill]

Yeah I wouldn't worry about value and who is or isn't better. In the end, winning isn't all it's cracked up to be.

 

In my case, the serial MW in my story was banging her boss and used me as a lure to distract her husband. In my neck of the woods, at that time, men killed other men over women so all of us in the game were generally armed and knew the rules regarding affairs with MW's. Different than life in the city.

 

My takeaway has been, not remarkably, women will take what they can get from a man with the least amount of effort possible. That's not wrong, just human. We're all selfish, generally. The best MW's know how to string the mark along enough to get her fix or keep multiples in play, those are called 'orbiters'. Grab one, pull him in with sexual innuendo and suck him emotionally then move on to the next. I see this with happily married women who are simply looking for more male 'zing' than they're getting from their H. Lifestyle women are particularly good at it. H is out providing the lifestyle and W is enjoying herself. Don't blame her a bit. That's being who they really are. Pretty fun from what I've seen.

[FITT5559]

Hi, I'm new here but I wanted to comment on this thread. I am a "lifestyle Woman" having an affair with a MM. I have no desire to leave my H, my family, and my lifestyle at all. Having an affair for the passion and excitement. However, I wanted to comment on this emotional piece. My MM definitely needs an emotional connection...he is lacking this in his M. So I think some men do want intimacy and emotions as well as sex. And to the opposite, some women do want the sex and the passion!

 

First affair for me after 35+ years of marriage with a wonderful man.

[Artdeco]

Honestly, this is a female perspective of a male process, that maybe wants to believe it herself. Are there men out there who look to share intimate experiences with a woman not his? Sure, a couple. But not many. What a man will tend to do is offer that woman you are talking about what she need(needs to believe) to get what he wants. Rarely is that any sort of emotional support.

 

Truth is, men rarely develop emotions without physical.

 

Not true. The above might reflect your experience, but you need to stop acting like your perspective is everybody’s perspective.

 

Men like sex. Women like sex. Men like validation outside of sex. So do women. It’s just human desire. It’s not rocket science and it’s not that gender specific as we would like to believe it is

[DKT3]

Not true. The above might reflect your experience, but you need to stop acting like your perspective is everybody’s perspective.

 

Men like sex. Women like sex. Men like validation outside of sex. So do women. It’s just human desire. It’s not rocket science and it’s not that gender specific as we would like to believe it is

 

Nothing is more predictable then human behavior. People like to believe that we have infinite opinions. Truth is we are all fairly similar, and it is largely based on gender. Men and women simply dont desire the same things, those that believe the opposite sex desire what they desire tend to struggle with relationships. We are every different based on gender. Nothing is all inclusive of course some women enjoy sex above emotions just as some men prefer emotional connections over physical connection. Not the majority or even a significant amount.

 

what you are suggesting is that people have a different outcome from being bitten by a black mamba. Sure some survive. Most dont. Not even a significant amount. That isnt perspective it is fact. Just as men and women viewing sexual and emotional aspects of relationships. Not perspective but fact.