Men and Emotional Affairs

[Lotus_Luna]

Yep, IMO depends on the social strata. However your posting just caused me to ponder all the males I know personally in my social circle. None would ever admit to me directly that they had an affair, ever, of any type. However, some of their kids have a different perspective! By kids, I mean long been adults and have adult children of their own. It appears their fathers and grandfathers have some selective memory issues!

 

None of them, based on my inquiries when I was in MC for my EA, would ever go to MC for anything. It's beneath them. This is simply the classic male of my generation. Tons of them out there.

 

I remember my first EA as a single guy decades ago, long before EA's were a 'thing' and it turned out the MW was banging her boss whom I thought was single. Nope, turned out he was married too. All the secretaries in his business got a piece of him. That was typical of the dynamic at the time. Think those guys go sure, I banged the office? Ha ha. That same MW shared with me many years later that she, long gone from that business, ran into the same guy, now 20 years older, at a party and he started hitting on her again. Still married!

 

Anyway, how many men in this thread have had an affair of any sort? I raised my hand. Anyone else? Let's take a poll. If you want to do a poll, come up with the poll options and I'll post it up.

 

Thanks for bringing up a topic rarely covered here.

I wish more men would be open. I’ve had this discussion with several men... i truly believe most who end up in EA are looking to feel loved or adored again. But with no intention of leaving their mate.

Women are looking for a new one.

 

I know I was... I feel hard for the OM.... I don’t even know if he feels half as much as I do. He was able to hold back

[DKT3]

I wish more men would be open. I’ve had this discussion with several men... i truly believe most who end up in EA are looking to feel loved or adored again. But with no intention of leaving their mate.

Women are looking for a new one.

 

I know I was... I feel hard for the OM.... I don’t even know if he feels half as much as I do. He was able to hold back

 

Again, this is a female view of a Male process. Charles Manson once said "having young beautiful women hang on your every word is far more powerful and satisfying than sex"

 

I think many men word agree.

[Lotus_Luna]

Again, this is a female view of a Male process. Charles Manson once said "having young beautiful women hang on your every word is far more powerful and satisfying than sex"

 

I think many men word agree.

 

I mean, not ALL men are looking for connection.

 

I know several who were revenge cheating, stroking their ego or simply bored. But those circumstances lead to a PA right off the bat.

[stillafool]

 

I have heard other men straight up say ‘my wife wasn’t available emotionally to support me. She listened’

 

I think the need to be desired is based strongly in emotion. Men want to be wanted by their partners. They want to know the sexually satisfy and emotionally connect with their long term partners.

 

Granted, some want just sex and an escape. But I’ve had some fairly open conversations with men and they’ve expressed vulnerability in their relationships being a source of pain and frustration.

 

OP, do you do this for your husband?

[Lotus_Luna]

OP, do you do this for your husband?

 

I did for many years. We had sex 3-5 times a week. I lost many close friendships in my attempts to be enough for him. I saw multiple therapists because he wasn’t happy. I gave and gave and gave.

 

Then one day I decided I had enough. I just just given birth and he was yelling at me because I didn’t want to go to the river. I was 3 days postpartum, bleeding nipples, passing gold ball clots, terrible anxiety, breast infection and he was mad I wouldn’t take the baby out in 100 degree weather to please him. He told me what a selfish person I was and how I never did anything for him.

 

I snapped... i wanted to die.. I wanted the pain to go away...

 

I tried one more therapist.

Had multiple interventions

Had friends and famiky to talk to him

Had church members try to work with us

 

He never changed. Just said it’s my fault he’s not happy.

[stillafool]

I did for many years. We had sex 3-5 times a week. I lost many close friendships in my attempts to be enough for him. I saw multiple therapists because he wasn’t happy. I gave and gave and gave.

 

Then one day I decided I had enough. I just just given birth and he was yelling at me because I didn’t want to go to the river. I was 3 days postpartum, bleeding nipples, passing gold ball clots, terrible anxiety, breast infection and he was mad I wouldn’t take the baby out in 100 degree weather to please him. He told me what a selfish person I was and how I never did anything for him.

 

I snapped... i wanted to die.. I wanted the pain to go away...

 

I tried one more therapist.

Had multiple interventions

Had friends and famiky to talk to him

Had church members try to work with us

 

He never changed. Just said it’s my fault he’s not happy.

 

That's too bad and must have been extremely hard on you. So I imagine many BW's have similar stories which led to their husband's affairs. One just has no idea what is going on in married people's homes. As they say there are 2 sides to every coin.

[Lotus_Luna]

That's too bad and must have been extremely hard on you. So I imagine many BW's have similar stories which led to their husband's affairs. One just has no idea what is going on in married people's homes. As they say there are 2 sides to every coin.

 

Absolutely...

 

The OM didn’t speak badly of his wife or paint any picture. He’s known me for years and was/is fed up with my husbands crap. But we didn’t like talk much about our marriages. I basically said I’m married to someone who usbtvstabke, I parent alone and I’m trying to help my husband understand he’s abusive and it’s not okay.

 

We weren’t very romantic so we didn’t need to flame this fabtasy ‘what if’...

 

We were just good friends and he helped me with my kids and house and business

[somanymistakes]

Since the topic is emotional affairs by men, any statistics on how prevalent wives abandon their husbands emotionally to impel such replacement and/or men who seek extra attention and intimacy, not sex, from women?

 

The statistics quoted and inferences drawn would indicate to me that a wife's affair would lead to emotional abandonment and demonization of the husband. Other situations, absent an affair by the wife, where she'd abandon her husband but choose to stay in the M? Depression? Mental illness? Biding her time until a BBD? Etc?

 

While it's nowhere near actual statistics, my experience of men who admit to emotional affairs on other forums suggests that the most common reason is lack of sex from the wife.

 

Yes, lack of SEX leads some men to seek EMOTIONAL support rather than sexual. Because they don't want to get off, they can do that with porn, they don't need help. What they want is to feel loved and appreciated in an intimate way.

 

Their morals won't allow them to physically cheat and they don't want to give up on the wife, either because they're still desperately hoping that one day she'll want them again, or because they feel too guilty to abandon her.

 

I don't think I've ever seen a situation where a man sought an emotional affair because his wife cheated on him. That doesn't mean it doesn't happen, just that I don't think I've encountered it. The reaction I usually see to a cheating wife is either to drop her like a hot rock, to be emotionally devastated and curl up on themselves, or to go out and revenge-cheat sexually.

 

The OP posited an interesting question. Unfortunately, LS has far too few males posting to pull up even a few who've had, or would admit to, any sort of affair. Plus, men, in general, don't talk about their affairs. They're out building wealth and banging broads and being successful and bouncing their kids and grandkids on their knee. Think JFK. That's what men do. Right? Most of the men I see posting in the Infidelity areas are betrayed spouses. Good thing I don't draw conclusions from that.

 

Aren't most thread starters in Infidelity betrayed spouses regardless of gender? I've certainly seen male cheaters come and post there, but as far as I'm aware most threads are 'my spouse cheated what do I do' or 'i think my spouse MIGHT be cheating what do I do'.

[Chilli]

Low self esteem, aging, wanting to prove he still has it. Call it whatever you want it is self serving. What it isn't is to gain some kind of genuine emotional connection. I know a ton of men that I've had millions of conversations with and not once have I ever heard one say "we have an amazing emotional connection " or "my partner is not there for me emotionally " 9.9/10 men just aren't wired that way.

 

 

Doesn't matter how many convos you've had or what you tell yourself about the whys or what they tell you.

All that's probably a lot like women and what they tell their friends which l've always seen it and heard it most of the time as a totally different thing to the way they truly act alone.

Why do WOMeN have emotional affairs ??

And they do , a lot. and often for any of those reasons too.

Dunno how many tmes l've heard some woman say ohhh., l just need to know l'm still desirable , yeah yeah yada yada.

 

But mostly any guy l've known including myself or any women stories l've heard or know of, and there's been 100s, are all much the same and usually just a couple of very simple reasons.

Usually, either somethings missing at home, usually she won't talk or she's a b@tch or she treats him like shyt so he connects with someone else that treats him better or that isn't 30kg over weight and much the same for women.

 

ORRRR, they just connected or reconnected with somebody , and very often on FB and the like too , and it just got carried away from there.

 

Both dozens maybe 100s of women or men stories l've heard or know of personality , have all been basically usually the one scenario or the other.

Edited November 9, 2018 by Chilli

[Malin889]

Low self esteem, aging, wanting to prove he still has it. Call it whatever you want it is self serving. What it isn't is to gain some kind of genuine emotional connection. I know a ton of men that I've had millions of conversations with and not once have I ever heard one say "we have an amazing emotional connection " or "my partner is not there for me emotionally " 9.9/10 men just aren't wired that way.

 

9.9/10 men in general are not wired for commitment?

[DKT3]

9.9/10 men in general are not wired for commitment?

 

Not on the same level as female. Nor is it high on the list. I once saw a list of elements that people want men and women were almost the opposite for their top 5. Most men had sex first and emotional connections 5th. Women had committed 1st Emotional connections 2 sex 5th. Simply put, men need what he can see and touch, women need what they feel and believe. I believe if people embraced this differences relationships would improve. Instead, we so often make the mistakes of viewing the opposite sex in our own light.

[somanymistakes]

We often make the mistake of viewing things in simple black and white when the vast majority of human beings aren't so neatly slotted into categories.

 

People aren't all the same. They aren't all exactly ONE thing or THIS OTHER thing either.

[DKT3]

We often make the mistake of viewing things in simple black and white when the vast majority of human beings aren't so neatly slotted into categories.

 

People aren't all the same. They aren't all exactly ONE thing or THIS OTHER thing either.

 

I've said this many times, nothing is more reliable than human behavior. Why people insist on believing that the behavior is wider in scope I dont get. The vast majority do in fact fit nearly into categories.

[Lotus_Luna]

Not on the same level as female. Nor is it high on the list. I once saw a list of elements that people want men and women were almost the opposite for their top 5. Most men had sex first and emotional connections 5th. Women had committed 1st Emotional connections 2 sex 5th. Simply put, men need what he can see and touch, women need what they feel and believe. I believe if people embraced this differences relationships would improve. Instead, we so often make the mistakes of viewing the opposite sex in our own light.

 

Maybe for most men, the sex they’re looking for IS the emotional connection. I’ve had sexual with my husband regularly for years. It has 0 emotional connection but it’s good sex. I walk away feeling empty, I want to feel something other then just being ****ed.

 

Perhaps there are men who want something alike to that. They want meaningful sex were they feel desired and supported.

 

But then this wouldn’t be an emotional affair...

 

 

In my case I wanted sex so badly. I still do. He’s not ready or willing to cross that line. He wasn’t permissions as a youth and hold sex in high regard. If we slept together it would be a commitment to our relationship and the end of his marriage.

 

Meanwhile I have a physical and emotional itch I want him to scaratch.

[Arris]

I've said this many times, nothing is more reliable than human behavior. Why people insist on believing that the behavior is wider in scope I dont get. The vast majority do in fact fit nearly into categories.

 

 

 

Human behavior is not constrained to gender.

 

 

Everyone is different and no one can speak to my beliefs, actions or behaviors simply because I'm a man.

 

 

You may not find anything more personal than what an individual holds about their feelings when it comes to relationships.

 

 

Growing up, there may be a wide variance of factors that sculpt how we think and feel. Gender may play a part, but it is but a piece among many. Therefore, you can't predict what I feel as a man no more than can you predict how I feel because of the environment I grew up in.

 

 

We all react differently and grow and change. Everyone is individual to the experiences they have throughout life, to how they themselves cope or learn from them.

 

 

Everyones story as to why they might carry on an EA will seem as similar as they are different.

[Malin889]

I did for many years. We had sex 3-5 times a week. I lost many close friendships in my attempts to be enough for him. I saw multiple therapists because he wasn’t happy. I gave and gave and gave.

 

Then one day I decided I had enough. I just just given birth and he was yelling at me because I didn’t want to go to the river. I was 3 days postpartum, bleeding nipples, passing gold ball clots, terrible anxiety, breast infection and he was mad I wouldn’t take the baby out in 100 degree weather to please him. He told me what a selfish person I was and how I never did anything for him.

 

I snapped... i wanted to die.. I wanted the pain to go away...

 

I tried one more therapist.

Had multiple interventions

Had friends and famiky to talk to him

Had church members try to work with us

 

He never changed. Just said it’s my fault he’s not happy.

 

I hope that you left him Luna. He just sounds like an abusive creep. What a bad guy.

[Lotus_Luna]

I hope that you left him Luna. He just sounds like an abusive creep. What a bad guy.

 

Working out on it. I have a timeline...

 

I just feel guilty still, that I haven’t tried hard enough. It’s easy to get sucked into the gaslighting and manipulation...

[carhill]

While it's nowhere near actual statistics, my experience of men who admit to emotional affairs on other forums suggests that the most common reason is lack of sex from the wife.

I think I'm one of two anecdotes in this thread; in my M, right to the end, exW was always a willing sex partner. She explained it well. To her, sex was recreation. She was horny, I had a penis and tongue. Nothing complex.

Yes, lack of SEX leads some men to seek EMOTIONAL support rather than sexual. Because they don't want to get off, they can do that with porn, they don't need help. What they want is to feel loved and appreciated in an intimate way.

For men who connect emotional *only* through sex. yup. Agree.

 

Their morals won't allow them to physically cheat and they don't want to give up on the wife, either because they're still desperately hoping that one day she'll want them again, or because they feel too guilty to abandon her

Possible. Every man is different. In my anecdote, I'd say some of it was a moral imperative to keep sex within the marriage and some was hope that someday we'd get through what was going on at the time. Also, for me, fear of the failure of divorce. It was my first, her third. For her, divorce was a business dissolution. It was, actually, quite easy, once I got over the fear.

I don't think I've ever seen a situation where a man sought an emotional affair because his wife cheated on him. That doesn't mean it doesn't happen, just that I don't think I've encountered it. The reaction I usually see to a cheating wife is either to drop her like a hot rock, to be emotionally devastated and curl up on themselves, or to go out and revenge-cheat sexually.

Most of my anedotes of dual-affairs would support your assertion. However, I did postulate an interesting dynamic based on the study I was responding to in the post you responded to, something I call 'souring the milk'. The wife sours the milk in the marriage if/when she has eyes for another, not overt and sexual, rather distracted, and criticisms of H rise and support and love fall, leaving a vacuum that, if nothing else, only sex fills. Else, he's a zero. That was my situation. Of course I didn't know it at the time, though I had my suspicions. Women are crafty. Props to them for that. The guy gets boiled one degree at a time, then suddenly he jumps out of the pot, she goes 'ha' and you're outta here, I got my landing pad and see ya. Masterful, IMO.

Aren't most thread starters in Infidelity betrayed spouses regardless of gender? I've certainly seen male cheaters come and post there, but as far as I'm aware most threads are 'my spouse cheated what do I do' or 'i think my spouse MIGHT be cheating what do I do'.

Yes, mostly because people in affairs, wayward spouses, get attacked, often personally, and leave quickly or never respond. I see that all the time and actually keep track of it as part of my job here. Males don't bother with that. They aren't interested, in general, in 'talking things out'. Men cave, make decisions, and act. They solve problems rather than talk about them. The more welcoming environment for betrayed spouses, which anyone, member or not, can read long before posting, impels some to share their stories. Still, compared to women, men posting in any part of the forum, perhaps excluding Dating and ISO, pale in comparison to women. Women dominate here in all aspects of relationship discussions.

 

OP, you still reading? What's your take on this? Have you seen men such as described here in your life? How did you perceive them?

[Lotus_Luna]

<snip>

OP, you still reading? What's your take on this? Have you seen men such as described here in your life? How did you perceive them?

 

My experiences are this:

 

Man A

 

Wife cheated, he cheated. Not an emotional affair, just out of spite.

 

Man B

Said his wife couldn’t meet his emotional needs. Lots of sex, but she just wasn’t capable of truly connecting. He made friends with a woman from work, who he thought was a lesbian. Eventually as she met his need to be heard and supported his attraction grew. He in fact, said he loved her. Relationship became physical because of his feelings. Still had active sex life at home.

 

Man C

Cheated several times to build ego. Did grow attached to the women, nearly left wife twice. Some mental illness involved so I can’t say how much that played a part in his lack of self control.

 

Man D

Sexless marriage, has a roommate situation. He sleeps around with many many many women... he says there is an emotional component but i believe he’s afdicted to the feeling of infatuation. No plans to divorce, wife turns a blind eye.

 

Man E

Sexless marriage, no major conflict but just co parenting. Wanted a companion, and justified the EA as a friendship. Until he wanted more. Ultimately chose family out of duty. Never made sex a focus.

 

Maybe a few decades ago affairs were mostly about sex. I think men are allowed to express their emotional needs more, therefore EA are become more common. Men want to feel needed, they need to feel valued.

 

My AP would do things for me like move **** into my garage when my husband was gone. Help with my kids, run errands for me. He still does acts of service REGULARLY. Including this week.... he likes to be needed by me. Yes, it’s an ego stroke but frankly that makes a person feel secure to be needed. He also likes to tell me how strong, brave and courageous I am. Typically I hear ‘sexy’ or some other nonsense from guys.

 

You want to tell me that he engaged in the affair so he could fold another man’s laundry, hold his baby and entertain his wife because of sex?..... like he could have easily gotten into my pants with far less work.

Edited November 9, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote

[carhill]

OP, thanks for the response. Great anecdotes.

 

Something came to mind while reading man E and I'd liken it to a 'closet'. If a man feels closeted emotionally, meaning he is discouraged, or feels discouraged, to express his natural human style, it could be the secretive nature of emotional affairs allows him that expression within a safety zone of confidentiality, presuming he is denied that in his M.

 

I'll reflect on that more, couched in some interactions of late in real life and perhaps expand on it later. In real life, I became man B though different in that I knew the person was in all ways straight. She was a long-ago MW, actually the first, a generation prior.

[Lotus_Luna]

Man E was my AP.

 

I have been around him and his wife for years. We share mutual friends. I am watching a break down of their relationship slowly over time. He isn’t one to verbalize his unhappiness. But in the presence of mutual guyfruends I’ve seen him express things. Her temper, her unpredictability, her spending habits. Added to what I know, separate bedrooms (I’ve been there, so I k ow he’s not lying) no more sex, lack of communication in order to prevent conflict. Not to mention he takes care of his physical and emotional health. She has gained over 100lbs and not interested in changing.

 

Does he love her? Yes!

 

But he no longer feels safe to reach out to her discuss their problems. So he’s stopped, and engaged me. A lot of our relationship was mundane, laundry, work, errands... i liked that, he just didn’t want to be alone anymore.

 

I feel the best thing he could do to save his marriage was be honest about our affair. It would be painful but it might be the one catalyst for change. Allow them to put parenting (the lengths they use the children as a buffer amaze me. He was displeased they had to vacation alone without them at one point) aside and invest in their relationship.

 

But that’s not my place. And frankly, I think he’s too attracted to me sexually. I don’t know if he finds her attractive anymore. I never asked, but people notice a disconnect between them.

[carhill]

FWIW, once the emotional connection died in my M, I found sex with my exW to feel 'wrong'. She was still as attractive as ever, and had no problem replacing me with another guy but that lack of intimacy and care killed my natural desire. I did continue to participate in sex but something felt 'off'. I figured I'd get over it. Nope. Other, more sexually focused men wouldn't have had that issue. Attractive wife wants to have sex, duh, let's go.

[Lotus_Luna]

FWIW, once the emotional connection died in my M, I found sex with my exW to feel 'wrong'. She was still as attractive as ever, and had no problem replacing me with another guy but that lack of intimacy and care killed my natural desire. I did continue to participate in sex but something felt 'off'. I figured I'd get over it. Nope. Other, more sexually focused men wouldn't have had that issue. Attractive wife wants to have sex, duh, let's go.

 

He was clear from the beginning he’s always been extremely cautious about who he engages in sexual activities. Thus far, it’s been his first girlfriend and his wife for sex. Maybe one other woman and me for non penatrative sex.

 

I have no desire to replace him and he’s okay going without. I think shutting down sexually is what allows him to cope. I know he likes sex, I know I turn him on and I know he still thinks about me and our experiences. I also know he doesn’t have guilt, just aware of what it is.