An ex that can't let go

[flsgirl]

Well, I can't believe this is actually happening to me. Two years ago the love of my life dumped me. We had been together 3 years and moved across the country together after I graduated from college. He claims he broke up with me because he hated where we moved to and wanted to move home but knew I didn't want to go back to our small town. He got a job back home and didn't tell me nor did he ask me to go with him. I was completely devastated.

(FYI: We had an amazing relationship. He was very good to me. Apparently he sucked as a communicator. I always asked if he was happy and he told me yes).

 

I went through hell and back and probably made a second trip. I thought I was going to die. I was in therapy on anti-depressants and sorts of things. I never felt that kind of pain in my life.

 

I begged to come back to him. I was going to give up my job and go back. He told me, no he didn't love me any more. It was very cold. I stopped talking to him because I knew I wasn't going to get over it if we still were in contact.

 

It's two years later. Since then, I've dated two other people (none of which worked out), have advanced in my job, made some great new friends and decided to go back to school. "He" and I have only spoken on a few occasions and I saw him when I was back in town. We recently started to talk again. Maybe once a month or so.

 

Last week, he decided to tell me that he loves me and wants me back. He said he messed up and knows he wants to marry me. He says he had to tell me that he didn't love me anymore because he didn't want me to follow him and not fulfill my dreams (I don't know whether to commend him or be really pissed off about how cold he was). He say there's not a day that goes by that he doesn't think of me and he still has my picture up. He still thinks there's hope for us. I was very surreal because these were the words I had always dreamed of him saying back then. It didn't have the same effect now.

 

I tried to tell him that I'd never let that happen again because I could never go back to someone that put me through that much pain. I'm pretty sure my friends and family would take me out if I went back to him. Frankly, I'm not even attracted to him anymore (I didn't say that to him). I do love him but am not in love with him. I want to be friends because he is a great person. We just weren't meant to be together. He can't seem to get this through his head. I was very up front and said no and we couldn't be friends if there were going to be ulterior motives behind it. He promised there wasn't.

 

Can you just be friends with an ex? I really want him in my life (he was my first love) but he's making things really complicated. He's very aware of how I feel and I'm not leading him on in any way. Should I tell him to stop calling? I feel like I'm in a really bad Dawson's Creek episode.

[Zoey]

OMG. I am so sorry. I'm sure a lot of us can feel your pain here...it hurts so bad to let go of someone that you love and had hopes and plans with.

 

I can't even begin to think of what to tell you to do. However, I do think that you would be very unwise to run skipping back into his arms. Whatever he says were his reasons for breaking up with you, they ultimately boil down to the fact that he didn't love you enough to work things out (i know this sounds harsh). Really, he knew it would kill you for him to break your heart, yet he did it anyways. He knew there was a chance that he wouldn't get you back if he broke up with you, yet he did it anyways. The point is, according to your boy, he had to have had some pretty damn good reasons behind breaking up with you in order to hurt someone that much.

 

I guess that you aren't interested in getting back together with him, so maybe the above isn't relevant. But, I'd leave the ball in his court. Be honest with him about how you feel. It sounds to me like he may just be going through a rough spot in his life.

 

btw, how long did it take you to get over your boy? I'm sort of going through a bit of the same thing...we moved across country together and promptly broke up too...I can't even imagine dating anyone else, and I have this insane hope that we will get back together...

[flsgirl]

Hey Zoey,

 

We were together for three years and broke up two years ago. I was in therapy for about six months. I had no desire to even look at a man until I got forced into going on a blind date. I used him as a rebound and it got my mind off the other. That was seven months later. I'm surprised I was ready to by then. I wasn't over my ex, but I went anyway. It helped me feel like I was still attractive and it stroked my ego (until I realized what a douche this guy was). Anyway, it did take me about a year to be fully over him.

 

The best thing you can do in your situation to stop contact with him. I know it's hard, but you HAVE to! I had an awesome support system. I started doing things I never thought I'd do. I read a lot of self help books, took an art class and hung out a lot with my friends. Eventually that pain started to disinigrate.

 

It's been a battle, but apparently I won it. He realized what he gave up. Dumbass! I just can't believe how far I've come in two years. You will too. Good luck.

[sundrop]

flsgirl,

 

I a friends with only one of my exs and it took us ten years to be able to get to a good friendship point.

We dated in college and he moved from his hoe town to mine, and he wanted more and I didn't at the time. He had to move back home. It broke my heart to break his, Becuase he is honestly one of the best people I had ever met and just about everything you could want in a guy. But, He was a little older than me and had already experianced some life and I hadn't and wasn't wonting to settle down.

Anyway, he spoke off and on about every six months, and tehen didn't speak for years. Then one day I got a call out of the blue ad he had a lay over here n town and I went to the airport to met him. So much time had gone by that we were able to be friends. So now for the last 3 years, he has been there for me, his wife is great to, but it took us 10 years to be able to be the friends that we are.

Best of Luck to you.